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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken daughter

43 replies

Melsgirl1946 · 14/10/2015 20:10

My dd has just broken up with her bf of a year. He has just gone to uni whilst my daughter is currently on her gap year. Before he went he was the perfect boyfriend, sent her notes declaring his undying love. Bought her gifts and couldn't have been more devoted. One week into his uni course he has broken up with her, saying that he doesn't see a future with her and he is not sure how he feels. He is adamant that there isn't anyone else and yet according to his family, he spent the entire night after dumping my daughter crying. My daughter is devastated and cross at the same time. She wants to believe that he will realise his mistake and that they will get back together. We realise that the relationship was likely to fizzle out eventually, it just seems odd that it was so sudden. She is desperate for answers so that she can move on. How can we help her through this when we don't understand it either?

OP posts:

GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 20:38

They're what, 18? Plenty more fish in the sea, he's obviously not ready for a proper relationship (hardly surprising at that age).

Original poster

Melsgirl1946 · 14/10/2015 20:47

I know, you're completely right. It just been a sad weekend for her (and us!) as he seemed to genuinely care for her. Everything happens for a reason and she's better off without him :)

OP posts:

Handywoman · 14/10/2015 20:48

Completely normal and understandable. If painful. He should immerse himself in uni life and so should your dd, this time next year. It's a no-brainer.

GoodnightDarthVader · 14/10/2015 20:49

Yes, it's sad, but she will have plenty more time for relationships that will mean more to her than this one.

pictish · 14/10/2015 20:50

Yes it's sad, but it's also sensible. It's break up now, or just cheat eventually. Basically.
The lad did the right thing. Hugs for dd. xx

springydaffs · 14/10/2015 21:58

At a similar age I cried buckets when I finished with my first serious boyfriend. It just was sad.

He's made a sensible decision, hard though it was. Hope your dd is OK - you too (we get so attached to our kids' partners!)

springydaffs · 14/10/2015 22:06

Sorry, read your op again - I would guess he's got to uni and realises he wants to experience the full uni experience. That is, he doesn't want to be in/tied to a relationship, certainly not a long distance relationship, at uni.

How did he tell her?

SkandiStyle · 14/10/2015 22:11

This is best all round for everyone. You don't want to head off to university already tied into a serious relationship. They're too young and life is too short.

Must be horrible for you to watch her feeling so upset though

The only person I know who kept a long distance, serious relationship going from sixth-form and right through university, did actually marry his girlfriend the year after he graduated.

Then he divorced her 3 years later, and was bitterly regretful that he'd 'wasted' some of the best years of his life tied down to her.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 15/10/2015 03:55

It's completely normal. The whole point of going to university is that you shed the old you and embrace the new.

I'm more surprised that you didn't see it coming and prepare her tbh.

IME, it was just a given. We talked the good talk but i already had doubts and, in reality, once I shut the door of my student house, he felt like part of my old life.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 15/10/2015 03:56

And it doesn't mean he didn't genuinely care for her.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2015 05:09

It's heart-wrenching, but there's little to understand other than a whole new chapter of his life is beginning and he wants to embrace it independently.

As PP have said, that doesn't mean he didn't absolutely love her while it lasted.

Original poster

Melsgirl1946 · 15/10/2015 07:35

He did tell her to her face. He came back this weekend and initially began telling her on the Friday night that he was completely besotted still. He was fine on the Saturday night until just before the end of the evening when he told her he felt completely differently and that he wanted to end things. I have full respect for that fact that he was brave enough to do this, however, he had plenty of opportunities before he went. Of course we prepared her for this, like I say we never really expected them to last. What we are surprised about is the complete about turn and the way he has gone about it. It certainly makes things easier for my dd to do to uni next year. If things had fizzled out during the first term we wouldn't have been that surprised, it's just the speed of how quickly things changed for them that is hard to comprehend.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/10/2015 07:47

Thinking charitably, it's possible he went home and thought, "I didn't mean what I said. It was a lie." and wasn't comfortable with the dishonesty.
If he's 18 he's got a lot of learning about emotions and relationships to do.

Original poster

Melsgirl1946 · 15/10/2015 08:31

Yeah I know, thank you everyone for your comments. We do actually feel better to get other perspectives on the situation. They're young and both have bright futures ahead of them. It's about going forward and not dwelling on the past. Think I might encourage her to give boys a wide berth for a little while though!!!! :)

OP posts:

DrMorbius · 15/10/2015 08:37

Sorry if this comes across harsh, but why are you bothered if your DC's relationship of one year has ended? (bothered enough to post on here)
Thats life, thats growing up.

Also why is anyone trying to analyse a 18 year old boy, whose world has just exploded...Good luck with that.

He has left home (probably for the first time), he is meeting lots of new exciting people (many who will be totally different from people he has ever met before). He is having to look after himself (again probably for the first time), he is having to fit into a uni/life schedule. He is trying forge friendships and not become isolated. He is putting himself "out there" (scary). He is learning some people should be kept clear of, etc etc. In short he is at the very start of the road to adulthood.

At least the lad turned up and did it in person. I wouldn't have (at the age).

Sleepybeanbump · 15/10/2015 08:37

Uni in a long distance relationship is miserable and you miss out on a lot. I did it. I massively regret it- the guy was an idiot, but it would take a really incredibly special relationship to make it worthwhile, and you'd never even know if it was worth it until years down the line.

BSites · 15/10/2015 08:52

I understand totally why you are upset OP, I have now seen my DD through countless break ups and when she is unhappy I really feel for her.

I'm her mum, her age doesn't matter.

Original poster

Melsgirl1946 · 15/10/2015 08:59

DrMorbius your comments aren't particularly helpful. You ask why I'm 'bothered' about my dd relationship and yet you have 'bothered' to let me have your comments. We are fully aware that uni is a huge change and that they are very young. Interesting that at that age you say you wouldn't have bothered to give crappy news in person. Maybe that says more about you and your integrity. Doesn't make for a particularly nice person eh? We are bothered because we happen to care not only for our dd but also for the boy in question.

OP posts:

Original poster

Melsgirl1946 · 15/10/2015 09:00

Thank you BSites :)

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 15/10/2015 09:05

Your poor DD Melsgirl, and you must feel helpless. Of course you would care about your daughter going through this.

As the parent of a 16 year old DS I am quite interested in what 'the full uni experience' is WRT not having a girlfriend back home. or maybe I don't?

purplemeggie · 15/10/2015 09:13

I was absolutely devastated when I broke up with my first love, as a teenager. When I was 30 and my husband (with whom I'd been in a relationship for 12 years) ended, I was struck by the fact that heartbreak feels the same whatever your life stage. Yes, there was grown-up stuff to deal with, like mortgages and credit card bills, but I could cope with all that: it was the betrayal and loss that paralysed me. So I can't agree with all the people saying "they're just kids, it doesn't matter".

With both of my heartbreaks, I know with hindsight that I convinced myself that my love would see the error of his ways and we would get back together, for as long as it took me to be strong enough to accept that it was not going to happen.

For your DD, the mixed messages will be the thing that gives her the most difficulty. She will be thinking that nobody changes overnight and choosing to believe the positive messages rather than the fact that he doesn't lover her anymore. My XH kept telling me he hadn't stopped loving me, but he did want something/someone else and I held on to the fact that he still loved me and thought we would get back together. I later understood - when ending a relationship myself that the temptation is to be gentle and kind to someone that you care about but are not in love with and that it is important to be absolutely clear and firm. If you have any contact with the boyfriend, it might be helpful to tell him this so that he doesn't give false hope and prolong the pain. But it would be worth gently explaining this to your DD too.

She will mend. Hugs for all of you.

Reallybadday · 15/10/2015 09:17

I can still remember how fabulous my mum was when I went through my first (second and third...) painful break up at that age. She let me sob, made my favourite dinners and then after a few days of moping, she dragged me out to my favourite cafe for afternoon tea, sent me to the shops and generally kept me busy. She listened and never criticised my feelings or my ex as I was defensive about him even though he dumped me.
However platitudes didn't help. I remember shouting that I didn't want a bloody fish.
Now, 20plus years later, what I remember is my DM's patience and kindness more than the pain of being ditched. Hope your DD feels better soon.

rogueantimatter · 15/10/2015 09:18

It's horrible isn't it. I still feel a bit upset three weeks after my 19YO DD and her bf of just under two years broke up, even though I know they're both better off not being in a serious relationship at this stage in their lives and that relationships that start at 17 are very unlikely to be long lasting.

Their feelings do change quickly sometimes - DD and her bf moved in together and DD thought he was the one. It was all domestic bliss for a few months until he began to get on her nerves and "be annoying".

I know it's normal and better for our DC that they don't have a long drawn- out process of breaking up or a very long relationship which they live their lives round instead of making new friends and discovering who they are, but it is sad when a previously happy relationship ends. And I enjoyed having bf coming round too.....

In my case I think my over-reaction is a symptom of a more general issue - I over-react to everything, dwell on things and over think everything.

But in your case your DD (and you) have had a shock. Keep her (and yourself busy) and look at the positives in her new situation. There are lots.... it's about going forward and not dwelling on the past So true. Sometimes difficult though.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 15/10/2015 09:27

This was me but the other way round, I went to Uni and left behind BF who was working in a bank and all of a sudden leading a very different life to that we had as sixth formers (9-5 job, bed by 10, only out at weekends, sensible car). I realised after about half a term that my student life and his were totally incompatible. I was very sad about breaking up, apparently he was devastated but it was inevitable and he did end up marrying someone else within a couple of years. It's hard on everyone though. Just be there for your DD, it will get easier to bear as time goes by.

Shutthatdoor · 15/10/2015 09:28

And it doesn't mean he didn't genuinely care for her.

I agree with this.

My dear niece and her bf split when he went to uni.

She was heartbroken but after the dust settled, they remained friends. Both have now finished uni. Have got back together, got married to each other and are expecting twins.

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