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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken daughter

43 replies

Melsgirl1946 · 14/10/2015 20:10

My dd has just broken up with her bf of a year. He has just gone to uni whilst my daughter is currently on her gap year. Before he went he was the perfect boyfriend, sent her notes declaring his undying love. Bought her gifts and couldn't have been more devoted. One week into his uni course he has broken up with her, saying that he doesn't see a future with her and he is not sure how he feels. He is adamant that there isn't anyone else and yet according to his family, he spent the entire night after dumping my daughter crying. My daughter is devastated and cross at the same time. She wants to believe that he will realise his mistake and that they will get back together. We realise that the relationship was likely to fizzle out eventually, it just seems odd that it was so sudden. She is desperate for answers so that she can move on. How can we help her through this when we don't understand it either?

OP posts:

VenusRising · 15/10/2015 09:29

You know I've met people who've never had a broken heart, and I don't consider them well rounded individuals. They have all the answers and none of the feeling.

Having your heart broken is a rite of passage, and brings new perspectives about all kinds of things- the Trojan war for eg!

Hugs to her and him, and be wary of study breaks / holidays where he might come back for a quicky!

Good job she's on a gap year- she can get fully immersed in the experience, and go to uni next year a little more mature than most with a spring in her step.

ohtheholidays · 15/10/2015 09:31

Your poor DD,the best thing you can do for her is try to keep her busy because if she has nothing going on or nothing to do that's when she'll start dweling on what happened and what she could have done differently(nothing so you really don't want her thinking like that)has she got a good group of friends near by that she could go out with,any hobbies she enjoys,something nice the two of you could do together?

Honestly her doing things she enjoys and being around people that love her will help her get over her ex boyfriend alot quicker.

CherryPicking · 15/10/2015 09:33

Pretty typical at 18, even with a 'nice' boyfriend. I think you should introduce your dad to the relationship boards just so she can see that actually it could have been much much worse. Not minimising her pain just thinking of ways to offer perspective

SheHasAWildHeart · 15/10/2015 09:34

Everything at that age hurts more. I remember being heart-broken at 18 by every hurtful thing ex-BF did when we were at college. At 34 when I got divorced I was surprised at how well I dealt with it.
They both sound like lovely kids and with a mum like you supporting her she'll be fine with time, and hopefully filling her days activities for her gap year, planning for uni etc.

DrMorbius · 15/10/2015 10:33

Melsgirl1946 - I admit bothered was a bit crass.

My point was at 17-18 relationships should be transient. We actively minimised any relationship that our DS or DD had, because we knew (however they felt) it was a short term thing. With possible heartbreak on one side or the other at the end.

People grow through adversity, and it is good that they suffer heartbreak. It helps them handle it both ways in future.

I am not saying this is you, but nowadys people become way over invested in the DC's relationships (I have seen this with friends). DW's father didn't even acknowledge me for the first 6 months.

SkandiStyle · 15/10/2015 10:37

You'd have to be pretty hard hearted not to feel 'bothered' at the sight of your own DD broken hearted, surely

Jesus, I'm very much of the suck it up school of parenting, but would hate to see my DD genuinely grieving over a lost relationship and would move Heaven and Earth to make her feel better.

BSites · 15/10/2015 10:38

I met my DH at 17, luckily no one told me it should be transient DrMorbius

Sparklingbrook · 15/10/2015 10:39

My point was at 17-18 relationships should be transient.

Not necessarily. If you meet the one at that age then you meet the one.

Sparklingbrook · 15/10/2015 10:40

You had better rethink your whole life BSites your DH should not be your DH.

BSites · 15/10/2015 10:49

Are you sure that your DW feels exactly the same way you do DrMorbius ?

pictish · 15/10/2015 10:51

Yes I thought the "why are you bothered" post was a bit snipey. This is a parenting site is it not? And first teen heartbreak comes under the umbrella of parenting in my world. When my kids are sad, dejected or hurt, I feel it.

SkandiStyle · 15/10/2015 11:46

I had my heartbroken at 20. I truly thought my life was over as I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with him.

25 years later I can still remember how dreadful I felt. Just because you're 'young' doesn't mean it hurts any less or should be callously dismissed as ' a rite of passage'. It was horribly painful at the time and I would have been even more devastated if my parents had brushed off my feelings as something transitory.

SkandiStyle · 15/10/2015 11:48

Oh no bsites what an embarrassing faux pas. You'll be off to see a divorce lawyer forthwith, I take it?

SheHasAWildHeart · 15/10/2015 12:07

DW's father didn't even acknowledge me for the first 6 months.
:/

ILiveAtTheBeach · 15/10/2015 12:17

My DS broke up with his GF just before Uni - they'd been dating for 10 months. The thing is, the relationship wasn't perfect, and I think that as you prepare to leave home and go to Uni, you do wonder how you are going to manage a long distance relationship and whether it's worth it. His GF had done a few things that really annoyed him, so he decided it wasn't.

It's the best decision IMO. Tbh, there is just no way he would be able to fit in seeing her. So it would have fizzled out anyway. He's made tons of new friends and is partying hard - no space for a serious GF tying you down.

I don't agree though that you can't meet your DH/DW young - you can, if the circumstances are right. But if one of you goes off to Uni, I just don't think it can work.

I'm sorry your DD is so upset. It's heartbreaking for you to watch. Is there anything you could do to take her mind off it? Book a late break? So hard :-(

KitZacJak · 15/10/2015 12:39

Poor thing. It is really sad but it sounds like he is trying to do the right thing. He probably does care for her but uni is so different and he probably wants to immerse himself in life there which is hard when you are in a long distance relationship. Better he does this now then mucking her around for months and maybe cheating on her. They have a chance to remain friends like this. She also has a chance to make the most of her gap year without worrying about him.

Breaking up is absolutely horrible. I remember it well!!!

featherglass · 15/10/2015 21:20

Melsgirl,
I think most, if not all, parents will understand where you're coming from. It's not 'over investment', it's being a loving caring parent. Of course you're concerned and most responses are right - splitting up is all part of 'growing up' and learning to cope builds resilience in young people. But it's hard also hard for us as parents and there's nothing to be ashamed in acknowledging that.

springydaffs · 15/10/2015 22:39

I'm still a bit sore that my nephew finished a very serious relationship when they were young. We all thought it was going to go the long haul. I found it a bit unbearable uncomfortable when he got a new girlf.

Look away cold-hearted Dr.

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