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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hoping you girls can offer your opinion for a guy

50 replies

lifesrichtapestry · 04/12/2006 08:57

Hi there everyone.

First off, apologies if this isn't appropriate but I'm really looking for the opinions of the fairer sex on my current relationship situation and this discussion forum seemed like the place to post in.
Hope you don't mind.
Anyway, I'm in a relationship with a terrific girl and have been for about 6 months now. Like all relationships it has needed work, especially seeing as she had a bad divorce due to her ex being unfaithful and a nasty custody battle afterwards.I get on really well with her 2 kids
We've only really had one bust up and that was where I made a comment during a family argument on her side and royally got my head chewed off, followed by her ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder for the rest of the weekend.That was a bad day and I don't want that to happen again.Lesson learnt on that one.
Anyway, I've just spent the last 3 days with her and the kids and everything was really great upto last night. She went off to bed after a few glasses of wine whilst I was talking with her son, then when I got upstairs she wasn't interested in talking to me, turned over in bed and pretty much ignored me. Same sort of body language as the time before when she was obviously not happy but didn't say anything and just gave me the cold shoulder.
I asked her if anything was wrong or if I'd done something wrong to which she replied 'No' and that was it. It was obvious something was, especially seeing as the 3 nights previous we'd had a chat, kiss n cuddle and all that before going to sleep.
So I was lying there feeling that I wasn't wanted and was being ignored for some unknown reason, in the absence of any conversation or anything else, grabbed my bag,said that I thought she was being ignorant and left.OK, it was silly of me jumping in the car having had some wine and driving back to my place but I got spooked out and needed some space.
This morning I've been back as I wanted to apologise and she really isn't happy with me, saying that someone who's spooked doesn't drive off having had a drink etc. I explained my reasons why, said I was sorry,genuinely apologised saying that I'd got it wrong but she had ignored me the same way she did before and that I had been stupid. I didn't make a big fuss but needed to say my bit about how I felt. No strop,arguing,sulking or anything like that. That made no difference to the way she was being and she told me I had been bloody stupid etc so I left and came home.
Under the circumstances, I just felt I had done the right thing.I just thought I'd post here in the hope that I could get some female opinions on this and any advice on what I should do.
She really means the world to me and I'd hate to think that this relationship would turn sour due to a misunderstanding and me, indirectly, being a bit of a prat.

OP posts:
DetentionGrrrl · 04/12/2006 09:04

well the driving was silly, but she sounds like a stroppy mare to me. Can't be more helpful than that i'm afriad! you've apologised, can't do much more.

tissy · 04/12/2006 09:07

Well she was in a sulk about something...presumably if her son is staying up at least as late as you, then he is adult? So maybe she was sulking because you preferred the company of her son to going to bed with her? How long did you spend downstairs talking?

It was stupid of you to get up and leave, but she was being childish as well (maybe the effects of the drink?).

mumatuks · 04/12/2006 09:08

Well I agree you were silly driving after a drink.
Personally I'd leave it now, you've apologised as many times as you can... and apart from the driving off thing, she still hasn't told yo why she was pi$$ed off with you for talking to her son.
Let it calm down and let her come to you now.

Original poster
lifesrichtapestry · 04/12/2006 09:20

Thanks for the replies so far. Her son's a teenager and it was 9pm or so when I was talking to him about his new girlfriend.
Me and her had been talking most of the evening prior to that and everything was just great which made the fact that she was being so off with me all the more surprising.
In hindsight leaving was a dumb idea and I realise that now but at the time it seemed like the right thing

OP posts:
CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 04/12/2006 09:27

Leaving like that is never a good thing but at least you had the decency to go back the next morning and apologise. It sounds to me as if she did have the hump about something and she should have the good grace to discuss that with you and sort whatever issue it is she had at the time rather than turning the situation round on you.

lou33 · 04/12/2006 09:29

I agree with mamatuks

you asked what was wrong ,apologised to her and she sounds like she is still sulking about something, so let her get over it and stop running after her now

she will be back

wartywarthog · 04/12/2006 09:31

yup. you've done your bit. it's up to her now. she should realise that sulking and refusing to tell you what's wrong isn't the best way to go about things.

MossletoeAndWine · 04/12/2006 09:36

Hi, lifesrichtapestry.

Sorry to hear you and your dp are having probs.

Are you sure you're not a woman and your dp is actually my dh? They have certainly gone to the same school of relationships anyway! That song "mardy bum" was written about him I'm sure! Every time he was in a sulk, it would take me ages to find out what was wrong with him. The hilarious thing was, if I didn't push and push until I found out what was up, he'd sulk even more!!

This may help you with the first part of your argument. Eventually, I laid down the law with dh. In a very calm and controlled manner, I said that if things upset him, it was fair enough to have a sulk, but after he'd told me why he was sulking. I said I wasn't going to dig and dig any more, and that unless I knew what he was sulking about, was going to make no attempt to apologise. I said that I was sorry if some things I did upset him, but unless I knew what they were, I was going to assume I'd done nothing.

It took quite a few times and a lot of willpower from me (you know, acting as though everything was normal when he was in a proper strop), but eventually, he started to tell me much sooner why he was sulking. (And when I got pg, the sulks stopped all together but I suppose that's not a goer for you!)

I hope this helps.

However, as for the drink driving, I know everyone has different views on this, but imho, it is a really bad thing - people die as a result of people getting into cars after they've had just "a few" - and I would be so if my dh did it that I'd pretty much expect him to get down on his knees and beg forgiveness!

If your dp has the same views as me, you may need to offer a full-on olive branch for the drink driving, perhaps something like offering to give her the keys to your car whenever you drink, or something that makes you sound very credible, rather than just paying lip service.

Hope this helps!

nailpolish · 04/12/2006 09:36

shes sounds very moody

expatinscotland · 04/12/2006 09:45

She sounds like she's either not ready to be in a relationship again, or she's a stroppy moo.

Or both.

TBH, I'd call time on this one.

She's got some issues she needs to work out.

satine · 04/12/2006 09:45

She is being unreasonable. You're not psychic, and if she won't tell you why she's cross, then there's nothing else you can do. I'd write her a letter, explaining that you have no idea why she suddenly got cross, and until she tells you, you don't know what else to do. Then leave the ball in her court. Passive aggression like this is a nightmare to live with.

nailpolish · 04/12/2006 09:46

IMO writing a letter to her is just pandering to her moods

carry on as normal and she will soon be coming round to see you

expatinscotland · 04/12/2006 09:48

I agree, np.

You apologised.

That's that.

I'd leave the ball in her court.

Earlybird · 04/12/2006 09:50

Could it be she was feeling jealous of the time/attention you were devoting to her son?

Agree with the others that it sounds like there are issues she needs to work out. The cold shoulder is not a good communication technique (understatement).

wartywarthog · 04/12/2006 09:52

but a mum feeling jealous of the time her dp was spending with her son?? that's just not good is it? i'd want my partner to get on with my kids and be really glad if they did.

HuwEdwards · 04/12/2006 09:52

agree with the others - I mean what the hell more can you do if she won't tell you what it is she's mad about?

expatinscotland · 04/12/2006 09:55

Seriously, though, she's the mum of a teen and acting like one, too!

Earlybird · 04/12/2006 09:56

warty - completely agree it's unreasonable to be jealous, and IMO as a single parent, the kind of man you want is one who is interested in your children too. But the OP was concentrating on the son when the gf went off to bed in a strop - hence, my question of whether or not it could be a jealousy issue.....

fortyplus · 04/12/2006 09:57

You were definitely a prat to drink and drive, but looking at it from a positive point of view you have shown that you're not prepared to lie back and take her behaviour indefinitely.
I think that this will prove to be a turning point in your relationship - either she will show you more respect and explain her feelings or otherwise you will have frightened her off due to her previous bad experiences. She sounds like a bit of a control freak. You shouldn't have gone back this morning - that was pandering to her, but now that you've done it I would leave her to stew for a while. If she's got any brains at all she will realise that a sensitive chap who gets on well with her kids is a bit of a treasure.
If she can't see that then you're better off elsewhere.
Keep us posted and let us know how you get on!

HeavenisInherwinterunderwear · 04/12/2006 10:10

You need to let her know, that if she isn't prepared to tell you what is wrong, then you can't be expected to put things right.

She may have insecurities which have been brought with her from previous relationships but communication can only lay these to rest.

It was dangerous to drive maybe you should have just slept on the sofa.

utterlyconfused · 04/12/2006 10:22

I think the thing that we are overlooking is that maybe something else pi**ed her off - not just the staying up and talking to the son thing. Taps (if I may be so familiar) obviously doesn't know what it was, or he would have told us. He is oblivious, and maybe that's part of the problem. I agree, she needs to communicate, and if something has annoyed her she needs to tell him, but you know what it's like, sometimes you really don't want to discuss it NOW, and would rather sleep on it and deal with it in the morning, when you've chilled out and sobered up a bit.
But she didn't get that chance, did she?
Sleeping on the sofa would have been a better option... on all counts.
What happens now? Well, if you do like her and do see a future with her, you need to tell her that you love her, tell her that you realise you upset her and dealt with it wrongly, and promise that you'll do everything you can to stop this sort of situation arising again. Don't mention what she's done (ie shut you out) until it happens again (let's hope it doesn't) when you can say, look, I meant what I said, but you have to talk to me because I can't do this on my own.

ChristmasCaroligula · 04/12/2006 10:43

OK you put yourself totally in the wrong with the drinking and driving thing, it was a very dangerous and childish response to her behaviour.

However, her behaviour is intolerable imo, I don't really see how you can put up with it. Someone who refuses to tell you what's wrong is just a great big A1 PITA. I take your point uc, about not wanting to discuss it now, but sulking is not something an adult should do - all she has to say is "I'm upset about xyz, but I feel too pissed off and unreasonable and drunk to discuss it now, i want you to piss off and leave me alone because we'll only have a row if we try and sort it now. Let's go to sleep and sort it in the morning when we'll be more likely not to have a row about it." The problem is that lots of men will have that problem-solving thing of "well let's sort it now then" when the woman knows that it won't be sorted, it will just lead to recrimination and lack of sleep. But God, sulking is the pits. I really don't blame anyone leaving the house to get away from that kind of behaviour, but if you feel the urge to do that again, get a taxi.

Original poster
lifesrichtapestry · 04/12/2006 10:46

Thankyou everyone for your frank and open replies, I really do appreciate it.

Yes, I was a prat for driving.In fact if she'd smacked me around the chops this morning for doing that I would have taken it quite happily. I know it's wrong but I've never done it before. I wasn't hammered and hanging off the steering wheel,I drove home just fine but it would have been touch and go had I been pulled over

Thinking about it, when I went to bed, her daughter was in with her and was really upset because she really doesn't like her dad and is visiting him tomorrow. I did ask if something was wrong with her daughter too and got a blunt 'No' in reply. Maybe that was it that pee'd her off.
I would have been quite happy if she had just said 'I'm not happy about something at the moment, it's not you honey but I need some time to myself tonight ' etc and I would have been happy with that.I don't think that is asking too much.Considering the night before we were saying we loved each other whilst lying there having a cuddle and stuff, getting the complete cold shoulder is a tough one for me considering that we'd had a really great time over the weekend.
I think I'll just take a wee step back for now and let the dust settle for a few days and pick up from there.

Thanks again

OP posts:
fortyplus · 04/12/2006 11:24

Print this thread off and show her - then she'll know how much you care & want things to be right between you. If it doesn't work out after that then maybe you're better off without her - hard to know when we don't know either of you personally. Hope it works out for all of you - she's lucky to have found someone who cares so much about her and her children.

utterlyconfused · 04/12/2006 13:00

God - I wouldn't print the thread off and show her!!! Remember she'll see the things a whole load of strangers have written about her - that would be really hurtful.