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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hoping you girls can offer your opinion for a guy

50 replies

lifesrichtapestry · 04/12/2006 08:57

Hi there everyone.

First off, apologies if this isn't appropriate but I'm really looking for the opinions of the fairer sex on my current relationship situation and this discussion forum seemed like the place to post in.
Hope you don't mind.
Anyway, I'm in a relationship with a terrific girl and have been for about 6 months now. Like all relationships it has needed work, especially seeing as she had a bad divorce due to her ex being unfaithful and a nasty custody battle afterwards.I get on really well with her 2 kids
We've only really had one bust up and that was where I made a comment during a family argument on her side and royally got my head chewed off, followed by her ignoring me and giving me the cold shoulder for the rest of the weekend.That was a bad day and I don't want that to happen again.Lesson learnt on that one.
Anyway, I've just spent the last 3 days with her and the kids and everything was really great upto last night. She went off to bed after a few glasses of wine whilst I was talking with her son, then when I got upstairs she wasn't interested in talking to me, turned over in bed and pretty much ignored me. Same sort of body language as the time before when she was obviously not happy but didn't say anything and just gave me the cold shoulder.
I asked her if anything was wrong or if I'd done something wrong to which she replied 'No' and that was it. It was obvious something was, especially seeing as the 3 nights previous we'd had a chat, kiss n cuddle and all that before going to sleep.
So I was lying there feeling that I wasn't wanted and was being ignored for some unknown reason, in the absence of any conversation or anything else, grabbed my bag,said that I thought she was being ignorant and left.OK, it was silly of me jumping in the car having had some wine and driving back to my place but I got spooked out and needed some space.
This morning I've been back as I wanted to apologise and she really isn't happy with me, saying that someone who's spooked doesn't drive off having had a drink etc. I explained my reasons why, said I was sorry,genuinely apologised saying that I'd got it wrong but she had ignored me the same way she did before and that I had been stupid. I didn't make a big fuss but needed to say my bit about how I felt. No strop,arguing,sulking or anything like that. That made no difference to the way she was being and she told me I had been bloody stupid etc so I left and came home.
Under the circumstances, I just felt I had done the right thing.I just thought I'd post here in the hope that I could get some female opinions on this and any advice on what I should do.
She really means the world to me and I'd hate to think that this relationship would turn sour due to a misunderstanding and me, indirectly, being a bit of a prat.

OP posts:
Bananaknickers · 04/12/2006 13:01

How long has she been on her own? Perhaps her self estem is a little low at the moment.Perhaps you are so kind and caring that she feels she dosen't deserve you?.After being treated so badly by ex. Perhaps she is testing you to see if you will stick around? All the situations you have explained are to do with her family.She loves you but dosen't feel ready to let you in i.y.k.w.i.m. Saying all this you shouldn't have to put up with sulking and I hope you can find a way to talk in future

LadyOfThePoinsettias · 04/12/2006 13:06

have not read all posts so sorry if im repeating. maybe she wanted you to follow her for some lovin'?!
cant think of anything else. would of thought she would be happy that her son can discuss his personal issues with you ie: his girlfriend.
or maybe, as has already been said, she is a bit touchy?! lol
actually to be honest, my dh has to do not much wrong for me to get a bit stroppy when i'm due on, so maybe it was beacuse she wanted to snuggle.

fortyplus · 04/12/2006 13:19

utterlyconfused - but that's the whole point... none of us know either of you so we're being truly objective about the situation, not judgemental based on how we see you.

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 04/12/2006 13:20

ah us females are complicated creatures

I sometimes give DH the cold shoulder if I am annoyed with him and refuse to say whats wrong. When I do this it is normally because

a) I am not ready to talk about it
b) I am not actually sure how I am feeling and can not put it into words
or c) I know how I feel/or think and know I am being silly and feel embarrassed about it and don't want to tell him.

It certainly sounds like something has pissed her off but you are not psychic and she needs to tell you why. I would just give her a gentle nudge and say something like, "I am really sorry about the other night. When I came to bed you gave me the cold shoulder and I have no idea why. I would like to know why because I don't want to repeat it and upset you again."

And then leave the ball in her court so to speak. Thats all about you can do. Hopefully, she will tell you what was wrong. It may not have been you at all. But she needs to communicate with you. hth

fortyplus · 04/12/2006 13:20

sorry - meant 'see her'

drosophila · 04/12/2006 13:27

She may think it is obvious what is wrong and if it is anything to do with you, you probably do know what it is deep down. If you are truly at a loss I would suggest some very direct talking. I would tell her how she has made you feel and that there is no excuse for rudness and disrespect. Suggest an evening out away from everything and have it out.

LittleSarah · 04/12/2006 13:32

Do you want to go out with me instead?

giddy1 · 04/12/2006 13:37

Message deleted

giddy1 · 04/12/2006 13:38

Message deleted

HeavenisInherwinterunderwear · 04/12/2006 13:50

Maybe she was upset because her dd was in the bedroom with her and you came in,but she should have told you if that was the case.

Rhubarb · 04/12/2006 13:54

pmt

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 04/12/2006 13:56

It was foolish to drive off after you had been drinking.
It sounds like she's in a bit of a strop, TBH.
You've done your bit and apogised.
Leave it to her to make the next move.

FrumpytheGrumpyreindeer · 04/12/2006 14:02

Ah we are a fickle breed .

Something got her goat and you might need to explain that you have no idea what went wrong. Good luck with it.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 04/12/2006 14:03

I'm a bit moody and can do this sometimes. Having said that, if dh asks, I'll always tell him what the problem is. He usually leaves me to it and I get over the strop in my own time

You have done all you can. I would suggest a 'I don't like moods. Please tell me if you have a problem' chat before too long. Also, don't show your adoration too much or she'll walk all over you.

lupo · 04/12/2006 14:34

sounds like a stroppy mare, my husband often sulks and I hate it, would rather he would just tell me what is wrong.

She should count herself lucky with a chap that even bothers to find out what is wrong eith her, my dh prob wouldnt bother.

I would def let her make the next move and play it a bit cool, you have apologised so now its her turn.

god luck

Original poster
lifesrichtapestry · 06/12/2006 08:33

Well so far the only contact I've had since has been an email on monday. She called me an idiot for not listening and says that I'd got it wrong thinking I had done something to p1ss her off, there was nothing wrong and that she was just tired, full of cold and wanted to sleep.

The only real problem I have with that is that she was feeling the same, i.e tired and full of cold the previous 3 nights but wasn't blatantly offhand, abrupt and surly with me then. Something was making her moody. Seriously, if I really hadn't done anything as she insists then why the complete change in attitude towards me.

Anyway, she said that the only thing that annoyed her was me driving away.She went onto say it doesn't make sense why I would do that , and my explanation doesn't make sense either.I just think that she's using the driving thing to divert the focus away from her mood and the way she was with me.It did make me chuckle though because she said 'perhaps you need to speak before jumping '.Maybe someone can explain how you go about doing that when someones blatantly ignoring you.

I dunno, the night before this happened we told each other we loved each other, everything was going great. It's not like me driving home was something that I did directly to her to hurt her.She has said and done things to me that have annoyed me and I havn't been happy with, but I've diplomatically said my piece, accepted it and moved on from it. If you're in a relationship where you're in love, is it too much to ask for both of you to do the same thing? I don't think that's asking too much myself.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
7swansaswimmingup · 06/12/2006 08:47

have to say she sounds exactly like i have done in the past with men.

i reckon its the "i love you" thats started it off. that feeling of, oh my god ive got to make this work now. its very scarey and ive run a mile when declaring the "L" word and been abymsally nasty to some very decent men like yourself

the only man that ive ever had respect for and still hope that someday when we're old and ragged we'll eventually set up home together is..... a man who stood up to me and gave me a bit of my own medicine, it really shocked me and i love him dearly deep down even though were only close by phone calls now. id back right off, its not childish too and might make you feel more in control and her also.

of course i could be wrong

expatinscotland · 06/12/2006 09:04

I am so glad not to have to date anymore and if God forbid something happened to DH, I couldn't be bothered w/it at all, tbh.

For reasons like this.

What's w/all her games, mate?

Why is it always such a Big Deal? Oh, the 'L' word! The 'C' word - as in 'commitment'! The 'M' word!

FFS, we're grown-ups, not 14.

But you wouldn't know it for the most part. In fact, I met plenty of 16-year-olds w/more sense and maturity than many of the 40-year-olds I went out w/after my last marriage fell apart.

DH was the first man who stood up to the plate and said, 'I love you. I want to marry you and have kids and a home. I know it's sudden, but this is how I feel. If you don't, that's okay, but I'm not going to waste years fooling around.'

We were married three weeks later - would have been sooner, but there were no dates at the Register House available on his day off - now have two kids and are happily married.

She's immature, lifesrich. That's why she's acting like htis.

Hate to break this to you, but it is time for you to Move On and find someone who wants what you want and isn't afraid to go for it.

I'll never forget the immortal exchange between John Malkovich and Glenn Close in the film 'Dangerous Liasons':

He: What do you suppose compels us to chase after those who run away?

She: Immaturity, perhaps

fortyplus · 06/12/2006 09:21

lifesrichtapestry - I think you're being a bit paranoid. If I've got a cold (which fortunately is about once every 2 years) I don't want to talk to people, either.
If you were being loving a few days previously then you don't need to get on her case - we can't be bouncy happy bunnies all the time, can we?

She has behaved in a rather immature way but I'm starting to feel that - even though you have good intentions - it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Lighten up a bit.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2006 09:24

I don't like being around others when I'm ill, either.

BUT, instead of ignoring them, if they don't know that yet, I say, 'Look, nothing to do w/you, but when I'm sick, I'm a bitch to be around, so probably better for me to be alone for a bit.'

That way, no guessing games or hurt feelings on their part.

fortyplus · 06/12/2006 09:29

I actually get a bit cross when dh tries to be all sweet & caring and bring me hot lemon & stuff! Poor man - don't know why he puts up with me.

Anyhow - I'm off out now - it's a beeeeautiful day, I don't have to go to work till 1.45 and I'm going to take my friend's lovely horse for a ride. Aren't I lucky?

Tortington · 06/12/2006 09:30

i'm sory if this has been said before i have only read a few posts. you say her daughter was in bed with her.

i think that may be it.

men being nice in bed could be construde as sex. and her way of dealing with it was poor communication - falling back on what she knows perhaps.

i thin the cold shoulder was because she had kid in bed and thought you might try it on

LittleSarah · 06/12/2006 09:34

Oh dear, this is what I think about when I ever get tired of being single. All those complications and uncertainties... good luck!

thebecster · 07/12/2006 15:41

I would have been FURIOUS about the drink driving and tbh I'm not sure I'd ever forgive a prospective boyfriend. Sorry LRT, but I'd have dumped you for that alone, no question, no second chances.

But since she's clearly not so hardhearted as me and is still on speaking terms with you... I think if you keep asking her why she was 'off' with you when she's told you she wasn't, you're just going to p* her off. Stop asking. She's told you she wasn't, and you want her to take you back. So whether she was or not is academic now, let it go. If she's like that again in future, DON'T drive off (lesson learnt there I guess ) but give her some space to calm down, be nice in the morning then ask her 'I was a bit worried that I'd done something wrong last night - was everything okay?' DO NOT ask 'Why were you off with me?'. Stick to the 'I' statements not 'you' statements ie. 'I felt rejected' NOT 'You were stroppy'. There's a book called 'Happy Families', can't remember the author but it's out now and has a picture of penguins on the front. Buy it, read it.

And don't you dare ever drive after drinking again or she will be fully entitled to drop your sorry ass faster than Ulrika Jonssons pants.

ChristmasCaroligula · 07/12/2006 15:43

LOL at Ulrika's pants.

Ooh yes the I statements. I'm practising that with the kids.

"I will have a nervous breakdown if..." etc.

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