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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I trust him again?

26 replies

CanWeFixThis · 14/10/2015 09:57

I recently found out my DH has been messaging another woman, flirty stuff but nothing overtly sexual, still totally inappropriate for a married man. I confronted him and he said straight away that nothing more than flirting had happened and as far as he was concerned nothing more would ever have happened.

I do believe this, but I am so hurt he could do even that, never mind anything else, and the trust I had in him for over 20 years has been badly damaged. One of the main problems with this is he works away a lot, so trust is vital really. I love him so much and really want to try and rebuild our marriage, for us and DS, who is only five and would be devastated if we split.

There are lots of other issues with our relationship, which in honesty probably contributed to him straying in the first place. We've been bumbling along for a long time now. So I know it's not an easy fix, trust aside, but we talked properly for the first time in a long time the other night and I know what we need need to do to address the other issues and I am prepared to do what's needed for that.

Can anyone offer any advice on how we can start rebuilding the trust? The other night he went to show me something on his iPad and I realised he was shutting down web pages before passing it to me. I was immediately suspicious and confronted him. He said he was looking at stuff about relationships, which I believe, but my initial reaction worries me - I can't live my life like that. He doesn't think I'll ever be able to get over it and I'm not sure, but I do know people get over a lot worse and go on to have long happy relationships.

So can we fix this? It seems like such an uphill struggle right now. I feel sick, can't eat or sleep - will I always feel like this or will it get better?

I'm sorry this is so long. I have name changed but promise I am a regular reader, occasional poster who some might recognise.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 14/10/2015 10:00

I stayed after something similar, and tbh, no you probably wont ever get that level of trust back.

On the surface we are fine, scratch that surface....and its not good. Frankly sometimes I wouldnt trust him to tell me the right time.

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 10:11

why are you saying we? It is up to him to show you can trust him.

I wouldn't trust a word he ever says again tbh. He doesn't seem remorseful, and I would bet there is a lot more that has gone on than he will ever admit to.

horrayforharoldlloyd · 14/10/2015 10:26

In my experience, that initial reaction of yours when he shut down pages on his iPad qas your gut telling you that he isn't being honest with you. Sorry OP.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/10/2015 10:30

You'd be mad to trust him while he's still obviously hiding things from you.

Original poster

CanWeFixThis · 14/10/2015 10:44

I'm not trying to minimise his behaviour but I don't think he is hiding anything more from me and the messages I have read don't lead me to believe anything more has happened.

I also think the iPad thing was a stupid reaction by him, but in light of our current situation, not the wisest.

He has shown lots of remorse, he is gutted that he has made me feel like this and has jeopordised what we have as a family.

It just feels so shit. I've done nothing wrong yet I'm the one who has to deal with the fallout. If we did split he'd no doubt go off living like a single bloke for the majority of the time while I'd become a single mum, dealing with DS by myself.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2015 10:54

What is HE doing to try and get the marriage back on track?.

Who is this woman; is it a work colleague?.

In what ways has he shown remorse towards you?. Has he talked about him receiving counselling?.

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 10:55

You don't need to minimise - looks like he is doing a grand job of that already. And you will do the pick me dance, anything to cling onto the illusion that you had, and have, a great relationship.

You deserve better than that don't you?

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 10:59

What do you mean by 'He doesn't think I'll ever be able to get over it'? Has he actually said this?

Original poster

CanWeFixThis · 14/10/2015 11:24

I don't know what I deserve Summer, I can't deny things haven't been great for a while, we've been missing our spark and have both buried our heads in the sand over it.

Attila, yes it's a work colleague, albeit not someone he works directly with. He is mostly home based with travel. He would only see her if they were both in the head office together.

Counselling, I don't know. I haven't spoken to him about it, but TBH I went when I was younger re anxiety and found it a waste of time.

Liney, he means I won't be able to trust him again and that will eat me up.

So there's no one who thinks that, after 20 years and one mistake, you can salvage something from the wreckage?

OP posts:

RolyPolierThanThou · 14/10/2015 11:26

You said: So I know it's not an easy fix, trust aside, but we talked properly for the first time in a long time the other night and I know what we need need to do to address the other issues and I am prepared to do what's needed for that.

Which sounds like either you are or he is blaming you for his actions and now it's up to you to fix the marriage.

However it seems to me that he was the one doing things he knew he shouldn't and he should now be on his knees to you and doing whatever he can to show he can be trusted - either to never cross that line again or to talk to you about any issues in the marriage BEFORE and INSTEAD OF looking for jollies outside of it.

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 11:30

And it sounds to me like you are blaming yourself for his infidelity - why do you think that is? You weren't unfaithful, you didn't lie and cheat - but you are saying it is your fault?

I can tell you that you deserve way more than this, even if you don't believe it yourself.

Jan45 · 14/10/2015 11:35

The whole point of being married or in a long term committed relationship is that it is based on mutual trust, I am sorry but I don't care how shit things became, what stress there was, if one partner chooses to be disloyal then you can't ever get that trust back again, not to what it was originally.

And again, another woman wanting to fix things, it's up to him OP, he fucked it, you should be sitting back and actually taking your time to decide if you want to be with him anymore, not actively trying to repair what he broke himself.

But yes, it can be savaged, if he can regain your trust, which can take a very long time.

Original poster

CanWeFixThis · 14/10/2015 11:36

I'm not blaming mys.ef for his actions at all, I think the messages and our marriage difficulties are two different things. BUT I do think that if things had been better at home, things might not have progressed as they did with this woman. I have to hold my hands up to my part of our marriage problems, but not to the other shit.

He is making an effort - he is in London today and tomorrow and, where he'd usually stay over, he is travelling four hours each day to come home instead. We've also got a day off together on Friday and he's booked for us to go out for a nice lunch, something we rarely get time to do.

It's hard to explain everything on an Internet forum, especially when you don't know either of us or our history, so I hope I'm not coming across as one of those 'AIBU?' 'yes' 'no I'm not' people. I just wanted impartial opinions, as I think I would struggle to get that from anyone in RL as they will be too invested in us, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 11:39

OP, I think his saying to you that you won't trust him again is his way of wriggling out of his own responsibility for trying to fix this situation.

KinkyAfro · 14/10/2015 11:43

The cynic in me would say he's doing these things to try and put you off the scent.

What would have happened if you hadn't have found out? How do you know if she wasn't on the trips when he worked away, you're probably only going off what he's told you. If it were me I wouldn't believe the looking at stuff about relationships line, if that were all he was doing then there was no reason to close the pages.

I couldn't trust again

summerwinterton · 14/10/2015 11:54

so bury your head in the sand until he does it again? I don't think a nice lunch can fix this - sorry.

Jan45 · 14/10/2015 11:57

Nope, you are wrong OP, just because things are not great at home we don't all go sniffing for an ego boost, he did, you never, don't forget that, maybe you don't mean to but you are taking the responsibility for his own flaw, a flaw you will now have to watch our for in future, don't be duped again.

Cabrinha · 14/10/2015 12:58

That's a pretty shit lie, about the web sessions being about relationships.
Tbh, that's something that would have built trust, if he'd been "caught out" looking up blogs on recovering from affairs, no?

I didn't ever trust my XH again (and was right not to)

Don't write off the counselling, there are good and bad counsellors.

But most of the effort needs to come from him.

slugseatlettuce · 14/10/2015 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 14/10/2015 13:11

Did you have a look on his ipad history to see if that's what it actually was?

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that yes, you can survive this as a couple, if that's what you want.

Assuming you believe that he hasn't committed adultery (and you said the messages you saw don't point to that at all) all that has happened here is that he has been flirting with a colleague. Something that a hell of a lot of people do every single day, without taking things any further, or wanting to.

If the messages had been sexual, or if he'd been saying "hey let's meet for a drink" or whatever then I'd think differently. If he'd had any physical contact with her, that would obviously be very different.

You could both look at this as a "warning". The grass is greener where you water it - so he needs to put some effort into watering the grass at home and not admiring someone else's windowbox. You also said the marriage was just sort of "okay" - this would be the time when you can both talk about what more you need from the marriage and each other, and make an effort to provide it. All marriages change when children come along and it can be hard to make time to reconnect with each other. But it's essential for the health of your partnership.

Please note, I am certainly not saying you're to blame for him having a flirt with someone else. It's not your job to make the marriage interesting enough for him. However it is both of your jobs to work on your relationship with each other.

All of the above is on the proviso that he is a good husband and father, apart from this incident. If there are other issues within the marriage, then obviously those need to be addressed and this may tip the balance into you wanting to go it alone.

LineyReborn · 14/10/2015 13:11

If he ever says anything like 'What's the point of me making an effort, you'll never trust me again anyway?' then you know he's detached quite significantly.

Original poster

CanWeFixThis · 14/10/2015 14:30

Thank you for all your replies, I do appreciate people taking the time to comment, even if it's not necessarily what I want to hear.

for everyone who's been through similar, it is fucking awful and I can't quite believe that I am in this situation, with someone I thought was dependable to the end. For the record he has always seemed a great man and a good father.

Now I know that's not necessary the case but he has never given me reason to doubt in the past. There's no back story here, apart from two tired parents drifting a bit and not doing anything to respark their marriage.

I need time to think, but I am finding it hard to walk away from someone I've been with for more than half my life over this - if he had slept with her or even been more overt in his flirting I can assure you it would be a different matter.

I know lunch might seem like fuck all in the circumstances, but we've got to start somewhere.

OP posts:

slugseatlettuce · 14/10/2015 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/10/2015 22:26

I agree with pocketsaviour, but if the pages he was hiding on his i-pad were "stuff about relationships" I would have thought he'd have come across websites he'd be keen to show to you.

MatrixReloaded · 15/10/2015 12:51

How did you discover these messages Op ? Is she married ?

I think you are wrong to blame this on issues in your marriage. A bad marriage doesn't cause cheating ( otherwise we would all be doing it) . The only thing that causes cheating is cheating mentality.

This is an internal problem, it's down to traits within your husband. You can work and work on the issues in your marriage, but if he doesn't fix the internal problem within himself, the state of your marriage won't make any difference whatsoever. The original problem will still be there.

The problem is not in your marriage. It's in him.

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