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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would you trust this man?

46 replies

twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 09:12

Background is that I am crap at dating, I've been single 4 years after a year of psychotherapy to work on my self esteem / why I always have abusive relationships etc. My radar is not honed but I'm trying to trust yet not get taken for a ride.

I have a client at work who I always really liked (rare for me!) and who over the period of some talks it has come about that he feels the same.

We have flirted lots and kissed, but in the last fortnight we have arranged to meet up twice but it has both times been cancelled last minute by him (for seemingly genuine reasons) I added him on fb a week ago, but he has so far not accepted because he said he doesn't use it. I can see from his profile however that he has been on there.

When looking at his fb profile it says 'single' but his first friend that comes up is a girl who is sitting on his lap just the 2 of them. I looked her up on Twitter (oh god I sound like a stalker.... Id had wine....) and she has a photo of just the 2 of them again but different from the fb photo.

When I asked him about this he just replied "it was taken at a ball a few weeks ago" which doesn't really answer the question of who she is etc, but he just keeps saying he is single and has been for 6 months.

He texts / calls me constantly but then will just disappear for an evening. He did this last night after yesterday cancelling our plans in the morning (his parents are very ill so I was understanding) and then this morning has just texted to say he got very drunk and his phone ran out of battery - I can see from what's app that he was on his phone though.

Basically, if you have read this far, what do I do? I like him a lot and am prob over invested (though I don't think he would know this) he's just messaged to ask how he can make it up to me for yesterday and im very tempted to reply "1) accept my fb friends request 2) tell me why x has a photo of you on fb and Twitter 3) actually make a date as I don't want a penpal.

Id seem unhinged if I sent that wouldn't i? How do I get to the bottom of this / work out if he is playing me without coming across like a knob?

Sorry for the mega long post. I didn't know what info was relevant!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2015 09:20

He's just not that into you.
Sorry but actions speak far louder than words.
His actions show he's not really that interested.
That is how it looks to me anyway.

I would reply : What are your suggestions?
And then leave at that. HE should be coming up with 'ways to make it up to you' not the other way around.

Did you do the Freedom Programme as part of your psychotherapy?
If not, then please do contact Womens Aid and enrol. Try to attend the course. If you can't, then even doing it on-line will help you.

ARV1981 · 13/10/2015 09:21

I think he sounds like too much hard work, tbh.

I don't think there should be this much angst so early on. You're already cyber stalking him, and you're yet to go on a proper date! Doesn't seem healthy to me.

I'd draw a line under it and move on.

You don't have to settle for this man just because you're "crap at dating" - the longer you're mooning after this man the less time you have to find someone who deserves your time.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 09:23

You lot are brilliant, thank you. That's what I needed to hear. I kept thinking it shouldn't be this hard this early on, but then Id give him benefit of the doubt because I'm trying hard not to knee jerk run away from people.

I signed up for freedom programme but didn't actually do it (I know, I know!) I will look up the password and have it a look over.

Do I just not reply? It's somewhat complicated by fact he's a client so I will have an ongoing relationship there with him.

OP posts:
maras2 · 13/10/2015 09:25

Sorry twirly but avoid like the plague.Firstly because of the work connection,it sounds unethical and secondly he sounds like a bit of a player and rather deceitful.

ARV1981 · 13/10/2015 09:28

The fact that he's a client also sets alarm bells for me too... I would maybe reply with something like "on reflection, I think our relationship is best if we keep things professional." And leave it at that.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 09:33

The work thing is complicated but not at the same time (useful huh?!) I basically own an agency that he has contracted a member of staff from, so not unethical as such but not simple either. Right. I'm going to go with the "on reflection I think it's best we keep things professional" line. I'm disappointed as I really liked him. Bloody men Sad

OP posts:
BarbRoyle · 13/10/2015 09:34

I don't think he's good enough for you. You haven't even really started a relationship and your instincts are telling you all is not as it seems. There is a decent, trustworthy guy out there for u somewhere.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 09:40

Thank you barb that's actually really nice of you to say, I was feeling a bit crap but if I can turn it around so he isn't good enough for me then it feels a bit more positive. Oh bloody hell, it is horrid taking that risk of liking someone. I'm not cut out for this!

OP posts:
AradiaWitch · 13/10/2015 10:06

Trust your instincts! See this one as dodging a bullet. One of the things that stood out about my DH when I met him was that there was none of that messing about / letting me down and having done online dating for a year I came across it a lot.

If he said he was going to call or email - he did. Simple really but it said so much about who he was and what he was about. If I could give one criteria for whether a guy is a tosser or not it would be that. He keeps his word! If he lets you down or makes promises he doesn't keep - bin him and move on.

summerwinterton · 13/10/2015 10:17

I agree - ditch and find someone who is decent and who deserves your valuable time. You are worth so much more than this man has to offer.

And I was going to suggest the Freedom Programme - online is grand, in person is better.

Jan45 · 13/10/2015 10:18

How many times must he cancel on you before you get it, why are you wasting your time on a plonker that drops you like a hat, sorry but please wise up, he's one BIG let down and will continue to be, move on for goodness sake woman.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 10:18

aradia that sounds like a breath of fresh air! I've just texted him back and said that I don't think he can make it up to me, and that I think ive misread the situation between us and i wish him well for the future. I feel a bit sick now.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2015 10:22

Well done.

It's not easy to let go a bit and trust someone and then they let you down.
But you will get there.

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 10:31

Well done!
I met a guy on a night out years ago, added him on FB - which he too also claimed not to use much. Eventually wondered who the woman with the same last name was, sister possibly? - it was his wife Confused

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 10:36

I don't feel well done, I feel like a bit of a knobber! Why is that? I'm embarrassed cos ive stood up for muself? I clearly need more bloody work on myself Sad

My ex added me hellkitty in similar circumstances. He had put me on limited profile so I couldn't see he was engaged to someone else. I don't really care about him using / not using fb, it was more the lie that he hadn't been on when he had that made alarm bells ring. Hope that makes sense, I'm feeling a bit all over the place now I've texted him. It's hard trustimg your own feelings when they aren't reliable!

Thank you everyone for looking out for me and telling me how it should be, I'm very grateful even if I do feel a bit silly!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 13/10/2015 10:37

Good! Believe me if he really wants you he will put the leg work in, simple as that.

molyholy · 13/10/2015 10:38

That was very strong of you twirly Don't let him sweet talk you. You have done the right thing. He's playing games.

TheJiminyConjecture · 13/10/2015 10:43

Be prepared for him to possibly start up the charm again. If he's a man who likes the chase he may well go all out now you've called quits. He won't be realising what he nearly missed out on, he'll just be chancing his arm in case he can win you back.

pictish · 13/10/2015 10:43

Bloody good response! You couldn't have presented that better. Well done.

ChilliAndMint · 13/10/2015 10:54

You've done the right thing, give yourself a pat on the back.

The guy is a player ; your starting to see the signs, all that therapy was not in vain.

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 10:55

Well he's seen the message and not replied - though to be fair I haven't given him much room to say anything.

How do I know if he is trying to chase me for the thrill as apposed to showing through actions that he wants me? That's assuming I never hear from him again as I am too much hard work!

I think in going I go for a run now and turn my phone off for a bit. I always feel stronger after a run (which is ironic seeing as it nearly kills me!) and I could do with getting out and stopping over thinking this. I need to get him out from under my skin!

Thank you all again for being so lovely and telling me what I needed to hear Flowers

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 13/10/2015 11:53

whether he chases or not is irrelevant now - as you don't want him, because you deserve better don't you?

experiencedhider · 13/10/2015 12:44

Well done on sending him that message. Like you, the lies would have been the most worrying thing. If someone can't be truthful about small issues how can you trust them on anything really important. Enjoy your runSmile

Original poster
twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 12:45

I'll keep repeating that to myself summer , thank you. its hard not wanting someone to want you though. I need to give my head a wobble! (He hasn't replied by the way, which is irrelevant, but does show where his head was at clearly.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/10/2015 12:54

He sounds pretty slick so your instincts are starting to show green shoots again. Smile

Hope the run was good. (Even if the muscles are now aching.)