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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

would you trust this man?

46 replies

twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 09:12

Background is that I am crap at dating, I've been single 4 years after a year of psychotherapy to work on my self esteem / why I always have abusive relationships etc. My radar is not honed but I'm trying to trust yet not get taken for a ride.

I have a client at work who I always really liked (rare for me!) and who over the period of some talks it has come about that he feels the same.

We have flirted lots and kissed, but in the last fortnight we have arranged to meet up twice but it has both times been cancelled last minute by him (for seemingly genuine reasons) I added him on fb a week ago, but he has so far not accepted because he said he doesn't use it. I can see from his profile however that he has been on there.

When looking at his fb profile it says 'single' but his first friend that comes up is a girl who is sitting on his lap just the 2 of them. I looked her up on Twitter (oh god I sound like a stalker.... Id had wine....) and she has a photo of just the 2 of them again but different from the fb photo.

When I asked him about this he just replied "it was taken at a ball a few weeks ago" which doesn't really answer the question of who she is etc, but he just keeps saying he is single and has been for 6 months.

He texts / calls me constantly but then will just disappear for an evening. He did this last night after yesterday cancelling our plans in the morning (his parents are very ill so I was understanding) and then this morning has just texted to say he got very drunk and his phone ran out of battery - I can see from what's app that he was on his phone though.

Basically, if you have read this far, what do I do? I like him a lot and am prob over invested (though I don't think he would know this) he's just messaged to ask how he can make it up to me for yesterday and im very tempted to reply "1) accept my fb friends request 2) tell me why x has a photo of you on fb and Twitter 3) actually make a date as I don't want a penpal.

Id seem unhinged if I sent that wouldn't i? How do I get to the bottom of this / work out if he is playing me without coming across like a knob?

Sorry for the mega long post. I didn't know what info was relevant!

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 13/10/2015 12:59

Just because someone wants you sometimes, don't think you have to want them back, or accept a few crumbs they may offer. You don't need anyone to validate you. You are fine and dandy without someone there.

Have you looked up that Freedom Programme online yet?

cozietoesie · 13/10/2015 13:00

PS - especially for you.

arsenaltilidie · 13/10/2015 13:01

I can bet my house he is in a serious relationship and possibly lives with this woman.
That's why most of his texts are during office hours or when commuting.
That's why he hasnt accepted you friendship on FB because his DW will question it.
That's why she has a picture of her sitting on his lap.

You could always google his name and you'll find he lives with the said woman.

Pissedoffpenelope · 13/10/2015 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FidgetJonesDiary · 13/10/2015 13:46

He's not the one for you. The FB and Twitter issues indicate he's in a relationship. You've done really well OP, as others have said you deserve better

ChilliAndMint · 13/10/2015 13:58

If you go take a look at the electoral register 192 online , it is most likely his name will show up together with any other adults at that address.

IamlovedbyG · 13/10/2015 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 15:32

Sorry I disappeared, Ds was up in the night lots so is being hardcore! You lot are brilliant, I played that song at top blast and cheered myself up a bit thank you!

Just for added info, I def know he lives alone as I've been to his house several times in the course of work before this all kicked off. The woman who has his photo lives at a different address according to 192 (I've went full on stalk mode here haven't I?!)

He has replied to my message saying that he is hungover and that my message is making his head worse and he doesn't understand where it's all come from.

I've prob disappointed you all and broken many rules here, but I've replied and said that it comes from wanting to know why a woman has several photos of them together, why he doesn't want me to see his fb page, and why if he is so desperate to see me and spend time with me he doesn't do just that and arrange a date for us to meet and stick to it. He hasn't replied, but I felt I had to say it rather than skirt around it and for him to be able to dismiss me as paranoid maybe?

I hope I'm not ballsing this up, I don't want to let you all down when you have been so kind with your advice to me

OP posts:

pictish · 13/10/2015 15:37

Again I like your style. Direct and to the point.

ItchyArmpits · 13/10/2015 15:42

Even if he is absolutely single and rarely on facebook, do you want a relationship with a man who is incapable of turning up when he says he will?

You're doing great

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2015 15:45

There are lots of men in running clubs. Just sayin......

Original poster

twirlypoo · 13/10/2015 15:59

Haha, I run like a weeble - it def won't make men want to date me

I can be quite direct pictish too old and lazy to leave room for mind games! I'm glad you don't all think I've messed up by sending the last message, even if he doesn't reply now I feel like it's because he had the measure of me and knew he was caught out. God, there's so much to be said for staying single!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 13/10/2015 16:20

cancelled last minute by him (for seemingly genuine reasons)
So he cancelled on you but still went out and got drunk enough to still have a hangover at 4pm the next day.
This makes no sense to me.
Sorry but I'm sticking by my 'he's just not that into you'
But good responses.
Let's see what he comes with shall we!?

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 13/10/2015 16:25

Yes and don't fall for it if he promises you the earth now. This early on he doesn't deserve a second chance and he sounds like a player. Some blokes like playing hard to get then if you walk away they start chasing and reel you in again.

I refuse to play such games. I'm not 18yo.

If a bloke is decent and likes you they will meet you when they arrange to barring a total emergency. That coupled witht the fb thing tells me he's an arsehole.

Handywoman · 13/10/2015 17:32

Twirly I applaud your instincts and the way you've handled this loser.

You are awesome. That is all

I know how hard it is when you actually LIKE someone.... Now do not engage further with him: your work here is done.

Next!

Jan45 · 13/10/2015 17:36

If you find it difficult to compute, look at this way, if this was a newly founded girl - friend, would you accept such shoddy treatment, would you believe their stories = no, so why believe his?

Balls in his court now, don't expect any grand gestures, it's all about actions, not words. At least you won't have any great expectation.

Annnabellla · 13/10/2015 19:03

No, absolutely not - run for the hills before he become yet another abusive relationship you've had.

TRexingInAsda · 13/10/2015 19:10

He's a knob. I like your honest and direct message, but I think you're flogging a dead horse. He's showing by his actions hat he's not very interested in you. If he's had the opportunity to get drunk, he could have used that to see you instead. He preferred not to. Have some self respect and tell him it's just not going to work for you.

anotherbloomingusername · 13/10/2015 19:25

Love it. "My head hurts and your message makes it worse!" Poor Lamb.

He's actually trying to get you to feel sorry for him, and BLAME YOU for hurting his feelings.

I think if you hang around (and I don't recommend it) you'll find out he's quite a nasty piece of work.

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 19:51

I agree with Hellsbells, he still found time to go and get pissed, yet couldn't find time to take you out...

Just because he's not on Facebook much is not a reason not to add you, i have plenty of friends on FB that aren't on there much, it just means there isn't much on their pages...

You might think you're crap at dating, bit you aren't. Your gut instinct flagged this up and you acted on it, you haven't really got involved. You're on the ball... You are worth much more than someone half hearted, and you know it deep down.

I wouldn't get involved in any more messages, just leave it if he comes back to you and don't risk any professional relationship. He's the one feeling and looking like a failure at the moment, not you. You have the higher ground. Stay there!

Phoenix69 · 15/10/2015 02:56

Hungover? Again? Cancelled a date? Again? Has another woman in his profile picture? Sounds like a drunk who cannot commit and has personal issues to hide. You are right it shouldn't be this hard to start with. avoid. It will only get worse.

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