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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does my mum put a dampener on things?

35 replies

OiledBegg · 13/10/2015 08:06

It's getting frustrating and upsetting.
It's only small things, but for example I've recently gone through a breakup and lost quite a bit of weight unintentionally and mum feels the need to say "yes you are smaller, your boobs have gone down and everything!" (I'm small chested as it is and self conscious about it) Then yesterday I was sent flowers to my work from another man I met recently, I was so happy and shocked as never receive things like that, I showed them to mum and said "well they aren't a proper bouquet or anything but still nice, probably cost about £15 odd quid"

Typing those out examples out it doesn't seem bad but in reality it feels like she's always trying to pop any type of little glimmer of happiness I have with a comment.

OP posts:
Every1KnowsJeffTheJerkOlantern · 13/10/2015 08:09

Sounds like a case of the green eyed monster to me. My mum does this when the attention is not focused solely on her.

Ignore her Op and enjoy your flowers Flowers

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2015 08:09

She does it because she likes putting you down .

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/10/2015 08:11

You need to repeat things back ... my boobs are smaller? silence
Only £15? silence head tilt
Shes missing tje point isnt she?
She doesnt hear herself!! You be that voice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 08:14

She does this also because she can and she wants to piss on any happiness that does come your way.

It is NOT your fault she is the ways she is; you did not make her that way (her own family of origin did that).

I would not actually tell her anything about your life now. If you do speak to her at all (and I would actually consider lowering all forms of contact with her now) then you need to keep the conversation very superficial indeed.

You do not mention your Dad; is he still around?.

Do you have siblings; if so I would think that they are treated differently.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 13/10/2015 08:16

How dare you be happy?

She's not just jealous - that I'd but one element of a whole cocktail of emotions and mindsets she has in for you. Its a control thing: you don't get to feel good or happy if she didn't cause it.

I'd bet cash money you've got a whole lifetime of more examples. And I'll bet you're only just coming out of an abusive relationship. I wish I were wrong, though.

shovetheholly · 13/10/2015 08:21

Actually, it does sound REALLY bad. It's not the individual nature of the examples, it's the 'drip, drip, drip' of undermining remarks that cut you down.

I think I would be tempted to challenge her (gently) - 'Oh, that's quite an undermining thing to say. Aren't you happy for me that I've lost weight and feel healthier now?' And see what the reaction is if you call her.

(NB - if you already know that calling it would read to an almighty row, then you already know everything about the dynamic of this relationship that you need to know. And I would definitely suggest retreating from personal closeness and getting some boundaries up so that she can't hurt you continually).

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 08:23

My D(!?)M is exactly like this. I don't tell her anything any more and she has little access to my life. And I'm so much happier for it, I do have the odd pang of guilt and then she'll phone me which reinforces my decision.

Enjoy your flowers, someone has taken time to think of you and send you some. Whatever the cost but I bet they're lovely Thanks

Shodan · 13/10/2015 08:24

My mum used to do this-never paid me any kind of compliment, but was happy to make little snide comments that in themselves wouldn't seem 'too bad'

Crunch-time came when I was wearing a pretty (I think! Grin) summer dress, make-up, nice shoes etc rather than my usual jeans/t-shirt outfits. As she opened the door she said "Oh! Why have you got your tits out?" She knows I don't make a habit of this kind of thing, we don't (as a family) talk like that-it was all so unnecessary.

So I called her on it. I asked her why she always felt the need to slap me down, did she want me to feel silly? Was I 'getting above' myself? She defended herself by saying she hadn't realised, she was sorry etc.

Whether it's because she feels genuinely remorseful (doubtful, knowing my mother-jealousy is a huge and overriding force in her life) or because she doesn't want to be challenged again, I don't know. But she's been more circumspect since then.

Give it a go.

TendonQueen · 13/10/2015 08:29

Say, 'Oh well, that's put a dampner on it' when she makes these comments. If she genuinely doesn't realise she'll stop/apologise. If she tells you you're being 'too sensitive' then it's more likely she's taking the opportunity to have a pick at you.

dustarr73 · 13/10/2015 10:05

My mam used to be the same.I was in the shop with her and i had my newborn son with me.I tried a dress on and i stepped out of the changing room she said your belly is very big.Mind the baby was a few weeks old.

With tht the lovely assistant came over and gave her both barrells.Saying i was only after having a baby and i looked radient and it was an awful thing to say to your daughter.My mam didnt know what to say,it was great.

After that i just started pulling her up on everything negative,she stopped when she didnt get the reaction she wanted.

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 10:08

Brilliant Dustarr!

GrammarTool · 13/10/2015 10:12

My mum does this sort of thing. I say that she's a 'puller'- whenever I have ideas or plans, she always sees the negative side and 'pulls' me down while I'm trying to climb the mountain. It's like she's thinking "I haven't had it easy, so why should you have it easy??"

I think it's all about jealousy, poor personal boundaries and not being able to accept that I'm a grown individual with a destiny that is entirely separate from hers.

dustarr73 · 13/10/2015 10:16

Jealousy is an awful thing.HellKitty i think that was the start of me having the confidence to say something back at her.Because it wasnt all in my head,and it did mean i wasnt imagining it.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 13/10/2015 10:19

I would say jealousy too and I'm so sorry you have to deal with the negativity. I'm very fortunate that my Mother is amazing and would never intentionally make me feel crap. I wonder if it's habit, perhaps her own Mother talked to your Mum in the same way?

More importantly though, tell us about your new bloke??!! Grin

ShatnersBassoon · 13/10/2015 10:24

My mum can put a negative spin on anything too. Why look on the bright side when you can drag people down? Doom and gloom is some people's sunshine and happiness. Leave them to it, they're only damaging their own wellbeing.

I always say "It's only being so cheerful that keeps you going, mum," which shuts her up, especially when I do it in front of people Blush.

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 10:36

Mine thinks she is an amazingly positive person. She's told me that, shortly after a phone call about how many funerals she'd been to, how the bloke next door 'doesn't have long left', how many lumps her dog has, how DBs wife is very sick, how her internet doesn't work - despite me telling her how to, how other DB hasn't spoken to her for months...

I thanked her for being so cheery.

Whatevva · 13/10/2015 10:39

Someone told me it was lack of fulfilment in her own life - not sure where that idea comes from, might be a bit old fashioned psychology, but there is a grain of truth in my case.

trappedinsuburbia · 13/10/2015 10:48

My mum is exactly the same, I now totally ignore her 'comments' and do what I want anyway. It pisses her off no end and she knows when im blanking what shes saying.
I always thought it was a control thing but im pretty shocked to hear a mother can be jealous of her own daughter, although she done her best to cause a rift between current dp and I.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 10:59

It is a control thing.

You may want to read "When you and your mother cannot be friends" written by Victoria Secunda.

Fishboneschokus · 13/10/2015 11:06

I think that HellKitty might be my sister.
My mother managed to find fault in the village war memorial for being too well kept.
I am terrified of turning into her.

NicoleWatterson · 13/10/2015 11:09

My mum is the same, everything is 'oooooooh but what about x, y or z'
and then she will go on and on and on about x than y than z until I'm just depressed and am looking at the down side of whatever it was.

I have never asked her opinion on things for this reason, she hates that she just gets told what I'm doing not asked. Its so draining and depressing. With mine she's always played the martyr and early on in my first childs life i realised i was doing it. I soon snapped out of it! Default setting is look on the doom and gloom so i have to slap that away and find the brightness instead. Both that and the martyr are deeply ingrained as its all I've known a mother be.

I think you have two options, call her on it EVERY time or just don't tell her things

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 11:12

Fishbone! I'm feeling like I'm not alone for once!
Mine moaned about the last funeral that she didn't have a very good view and the sandwiches weren't up to much - that was her closest friends husband funeral, they'd been friends for 40 years.
She never mentions the friend now, I think the friend has dumped her.

Threefishys · 13/10/2015 11:39

I sometimes catch myself being derisory to DD (13). Its absolutely down to the feeling that the lack of respect kids give you for all you do as a mother entitles you to bring them down a peg or two sometimes. I'm sure its something that can become habitual over the years. I try to nip it in the bud when it happens whilst DD is young. Honest answer. Kids lack of respect or acknowledgement is just as corrosive to the mother as the mother nitpicking. What it is to be human and fallible.

HellKitty · 13/10/2015 11:42

Threefishys
You have to stop. You will mess her up. ALL children answer back or don't fit the perfect mode, you are there are her parent not as her bully.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 11:45

"Its absolutely down to the feeling that the lack of respect kids give you for all you do as a mother entitles you to bring them down a peg or two sometimes. I'm sure its something that can become habitual over the years"

Such behaviour can indeed be learnt and I guess your own mother or father did that to you. You can stop you from doing this to your DD and having therefore another generation affected by family dysfunction. Does being derisory to your DD actually work; no and certainly not in the long term.