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Original poster

Boyfriend's way of dealing with conflict driving me up the effing wall

47 replies

callmemaybe1 · 12/10/2015 22:52

We have such good times together but also loud, messy rows.

What drives me bloody mad is that after one of them he goes completely MIA, once for almost two weeks. He ignores any attempt I make to talk or discuss what went wrong. He just disappears and it makes me feel awful, rejected, wondering if I'm being ghosted.

What's the effing point? Can understand needing to breathe and think about your feelings for a day or two but seriously? That long? I hate it :-\

OP posts:
DarkNavyBlue · 12/10/2015 23:21

It sounds like he's punishing you for rowing with him.

goawayalready · 12/10/2015 23:32

dont bother contacting him wait for him to contact you dont try and talk about it check his reaction

he sounds controlling Flowers

Mabelface · 12/10/2015 23:33

Personally, I'd fuck him off. He wants to make you suffer for disagreeing with him. Can you really be arsed with this?

AnyFucker · 12/10/2015 23:35

Stop allowing yourself to get mugged off

You can do better than this. Anyone can.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 12/10/2015 23:37

Dear god, just dump him. Life is too fucking short for this kind of dramatics.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2015 00:27

Why would you take him/back after he has blanked you for two weeks? Give your head a wobble.

Original poster
callmemaybe1 · 13/10/2015 00:47

I just don't get it. Why wouldn't you rather work through the problem and be done with it??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/10/2015 00:54

There is no fun in that for him

Your distress is his sport

Don't you get it ?

spatchcock · 13/10/2015 01:10

He's showing you that if you step out of line you'll lose him, ie, the relationship is all on his terms. But to me it sounds like him being awol is preferential to having a controlling arse sharing your space.

TendonQueen · 13/10/2015 01:10

He doesn't want to work through it. He wants you never to argue with him in the first place and the silence is to show you how wrong you were to dare to argue, and to put you off doing it again in the future. I know you've posted that you have these rows, but I'd also bet you've bitten your tongue a few times because you know that if a row develops, he'll punish you by doing his disappearing act.

quicklydecides · 13/10/2015 01:40

Just dump him
Seriously.

magiccatlitter · 13/10/2015 03:55

He's training you to keep quiet and let him have his way. Who needs that crap in their life. You're expecting him to behave as a rational human. He's not. He's a mean controlling bully. That's who he is.

Get rid.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 13/10/2015 03:55

He doesn't want to talk about it or work it through because he doesn't care about what you think. What's supposed to happen is that you stop disagreeing with him and learn not to challenge him.

I wouldn't tolerate this. You went back for more after a 2 week silence?More fool you.

This isn't his way of dealing with conflict, this is his way of punishing you for daring to express an opinion/thought/need that interferes with what he wants.

Dump him.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/10/2015 07:25

It is possible that, in his mind, he needs this cooling off period to climb down from the heightened emotions he felt when rowing.

This does not change the fact that him disappearing is very disrespectful to you. If he's the kind of person who's only concerned about his own feelings (the fact that rowing has hurt him), and can't fathom that you have feelings of your own (that him disappearing hurts you), then he is not very good partner material.

Every1KnowsJeffTheJerkOlantern · 13/10/2015 07:31

I had one like this. He cheated all the time.

Drop this fucker like a hot potato and run.

DoreenLethal · 13/10/2015 07:34

Are they silly messy rows for no apparent reason as well?

ptumbi · 13/10/2015 07:40

Agree with PP - eventually you will stop arguing with him, because you can't take the 'punishment'. Then you will just let him get away with stuff so not to provoke a row, and then he can do what he likes...

Kr1st1na · 13/10/2015 07:45

Does he have a job ? When he disagrees with someone he works with, does he quit the job or take two weeks off ?

If not, then it's not that he's needs two weeks to cool down after a disagreement. It's not his way of coping with conflict . It's that he's a controlling arse .

Original poster
callmemaybe1 · 13/10/2015 07:55

"I'd also bet you've bitten your tongue a few times because you know that if a row develops, he'll punish you by doing his disappearing act" - Exactly right. Personally I think think this is one of the worst things you could do to a partner.

OP posts:
Madamscorp · 13/10/2015 08:20

Silence / ignoring. One of many many other things that my ex used to do . I could never understand why he would never talk about things. Turned out he was a narcissistic controlling bastard. Run for the hills while you can, seriously it is no way to live.

shovetheholly · 13/10/2015 08:31

Whaaaaaaaat?

Seriously - he vanishes for TWO WEEKS after a row? And leaves you worrying about his safety and about your future all that time?

This sounds either like a very extreme form of conflict avoidance that requires therapy (how does he deal with other antagonisms in his life) or deeply controlling behaviour. Either way, my response would be: is he really worth it? Honestly?

Ragwort · 13/10/2015 08:39

Why do you hang around waiting for him, he must love all the attention. Just ditch him, have some self esteem and respect for yourself, because he clearly as no respect for you.

You are enabling him to get away with this behaviour.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 13/10/2015 10:59

So why do you put up with it then?

He isn't going to change.

Do you live together? If you do I would change the locks and have his stuff packed up before he comes back.

SomethingOnce · 13/10/2015 11:12

What everyone said.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Cabrinha · 13/10/2015 11:18

So tell WHY you are putting up with it?

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