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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend's way of dealing with conflict driving me up the effing wall

47 replies

callmemaybe1 · 12/10/2015 22:52

We have such good times together but also loud, messy rows.

What drives me bloody mad is that after one of them he goes completely MIA, once for almost two weeks. He ignores any attempt I make to talk or discuss what went wrong. He just disappears and it makes me feel awful, rejected, wondering if I'm being ghosted.

What's the effing point? Can understand needing to breathe and think about your feelings for a day or two but seriously? That long? I hate it :-\

OP posts:
callmemaybe1 · 13/10/2015 11:21

I put up with it because I love him. And because the argument was my fault.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 13/10/2015 11:23

Why was the argument your fault?

I expect he has you conditioned to believe everything is your fault. If only you would shut up and let him just do what he wants, then you two would never row - so it must be your fault?

How wide of the mark am I?

molyholy · 13/10/2015 11:33

Wow, he has got you well trained. You love him so he can act however he wants because everything is your fault anyway!! If only you could keep your mouth shut/not disagree, he would not act this way.

You need to get out of this situation, and fast.

molyholy · 13/10/2015 11:34

Sorry X Post Alibabs

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 13/10/2015 11:35

It bears saying twice, moly!

Potatoface2 · 13/10/2015 11:40

into my 2nd week of my husband of 24 years doing the silent treatment.....its worn me down over the years...if you want to end up like me....depressed, no self esteem, just wishing the days away, carry on.....or do what every one on here has told me to do.....leave....you need to be happy.....so do I!

Ragwort · 13/10/2015 13:42

What exactly do you 'love' about a man that treats you like this?

Wake up and smell the coffee. Please don't allow yourself to be treated like this - it is not love - it is just a one sided relationship with you mooning all over him. Sorry to sound harsh but listen to the voices of experience on this thread.

Norest · 13/10/2015 14:24

I dunno if I would go as far as saying a person is definitely doing this sort of thing as some kind of planned out scheme to control another. Might be the case and I have met people like that.

I've also encountered people who are so emotionally stunted they run off and hide for extended periods of time whenever things in romantic interactions don't go their way. It's not an 'evil genius abuse' thing...but it makes it pretty impossible to resolve anything in a relationship and is really really not worth the effort of trying.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/10/2015 14:27

"I put up with it because I love him. And because the argument was my fault"

You've been conditioned re your second sentence; why do you think it was your fault?. You drove him/made him act like that?. Such logic is flawed. You are only responsible for your own actions, not his.

Is your love for him really based on an unhealthy co-dependency?.

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 13/10/2015 14:44

It doesn't MATTER whose fault the argument was. If an argument is his fault, do you get to waltz off for a fortnight?

I just hope you're not hoping that this relationship develops into marriage and children. Gold rings and nappies won't act as magical magnets to keep him attached to home. He knows this little routine of his works, and he'll keep using it.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 13/10/2015 17:30

You don't love him, you are attached to him. It's different.

Jan45 · 13/10/2015 17:39

So you are in one of those relationships, you know, the drama, the fall out and then the make up - believe me you won't be happy playing this part, nobody is, even if you do love him.

Toxic is how to describe this situation, stop taking the blame for him being an absolute shit person, punishing you for 2 weeks after an argument, actions of a person that adores you?

Really?

Exactly.

AnyFucker · 13/10/2015 17:40

Because I looooove him.

Would you listen to yourself ?

You have "walk all over me" written on your forehead, dude.

FunkyColdOedema · 13/10/2015 18:29

What he's doing is not a mature response to conflict. Neither should you put up with it. LTB.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2015 19:00

Disney lies. Love cannot conquer all. Bloody good thing too.

Are you actually in love with him?

Or are you in love with an idealised version of him that you wish existed? Maybe the him that appears when you are a good obedient little puppy?

honeyroar · 13/10/2015 20:00

How many times has he done this?

NumbBlaseCold · 13/10/2015 22:40

And is the argument always your fault OP?

After all this is not the first time.

I would think very carefully about this behaviour and whether you would put up with a) a child stomping and losing a temper like this and b) you would like one of your parents treating the other like this.

This is how your life with him will go:

You argue, he storms out, he sulks and stays away, you beg and cry and pleasd and beat yourself up.

Then he comes back, oh yay, oh joy, he's home, you do everything for him and ignore the argument or take all responsibility.

You give him love and sex and you are just so very very glad he is home.

Then something sets him off again. You beg, you plead you cry.

And you love him so much, you stop seeing this as bad behaviour.

You starting thinking you are always wrong.

You accept, as he states, that you deserve this and are responsible for it.

Then you cannot ask him to leave even when it makes you ill, stresses you out and has you on edge.

And he has you where he wants you, by metaphorical balls.

Too scared of being 'punished' to ever disagree or do what he doesn't like.

Walking on eggshells, over compensating by being all over him because you don't know when the next storm out will be.

That will be your life.

Is that what you want?

You may love him but why do you love him so much more then yourself?

Don't allow him to disrespect you in this way and try to punish and manipulate.

He does not love you, people don't punish the ones they love: they support them.

And when people in respectful, loving relationships have blinding, messy, rip roaring rows, they do not punish the other.

They may say angry things, they may go quite for a short time but they always, always communicate.

Because that is the pinnacle of a good relationship: communication.

ptumbi · 14/10/2015 07:38

Read that again OP.

You are doing the 'pick me' dance every time. He walks off, you do the pick me dance, he 'decides' to come back even though is is all your fault and you do exactly that - love, sex, food, doormat, everything to him.

Why wouldn't he pick fights, walk off, come back to loads of me me me me me me me me me me me me

Stop it now. Pick yourself and let him go.

AnnaMarlowe · 14/10/2015 07:44

Love isn't enough.

One of the greatest lies that society tells us is that it is.

hesterton · 14/10/2015 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/10/2015 07:53

So when he comes back, he's thought through the issues you raised, considered your perspective and is able to acknowledge his part in the original issue and offer constructive solutions in a conciliatory manner?

If he lacks the insight to achieve that he is desparate to talk through the issue so you can help him find a solution?

That would be someone with emotional difficulties who needed a lot of thinking time.

Otherwise, what they said.

hesterton · 14/10/2015 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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