If your controlling ex got worse after you left did it ever stop?

[AllOfTheCoffee]

I left the father of my 2 daughters around 2 and a half years ago because of his controlling nature.

For the first year things were very much the same. The constant arguments still carried on, the name calling back and forth, his assumption that he could still control what I did, where I went and how I organised my household and my allowing it. It was exhausting and neither of us came out it smelling of roses.

In the end I realised that one of us needed to just stop. Unfortunately this made him worse.

He'd do things such as try to find out my LL's details so he could make complaints about things he thought were issues in my house. He'd phone the school regularly to check that their lunch money had been paid on time, they'd been handing in homework and they were punctual.

I ignored all of this and any texts or messages that were not directly related to the children's welfare or contact. The messages became more frequent and more abusive, so I changed my number. He can only contact me quickly and directly via Facebook messenger and I set it so that he can only do so when he has the children with him. All other contact is via email or a third party.

He's now started to involve the children, who are 7 and 13 years old.

Two weeks ago he asked if we could meet so he could discuss dd1. When we met he went on an hour long tirade, telling me that dd1 had confided in him that she is being bullied at school because of my house, my dress sense and my job. He suggested that I move, look for a new job, get my hair done, lose weight and buy new clothes. I don't believe dd1 said any of this and did not raise the issue with her.

This weekend dd2 was invited to her cousin's party at his brothers house. She was to be picked up from his house and would be spending the night at his brothers.

3 times she was sent back to me because she was wearing or had packed something he didn't like. The third time she was in tears and it takes a lot to upset dd2. I told her not to go back and contacted ex-BIL to ask him to collect dd2 from my house.

The children have also told me that he's imposed a dress code on contact now. They must arrive freshly showered, with neatly styled hair. Clothes must be freshly washed, ironed and must be matching, with co-ordinating shoes or trainers. School shoes must not worn unless they are on their way to school. Hand me downs are not permitted to be worn at his house. Clothes must appear new and tights are not to be worn with anything other than skirts or dresses. Pjs must be matching, with slippers.

If they break these rules they'll be sent home, although this is all from the mouth of babes so they could have misunderstood. He's never told me of any such rules.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm tempted to just continue to ignore it and hope that he gets bored.

Another more hopeful ending from me, too.

XH was passive-aggressive and had me well subdued. However, I found being free of him so liberating that I stood up to him quite quickly, especially after he applied for (and got) the decree absolute without telling me. Shortly after that I sent him a pretty ballsy email calling him out on is behaviour, and thereafter simply used to say / write Which part of 'You can't control me any more is it that you don't understand?' He tried to enlist DD against me despicable turd that he is but she saw through it. Last spring he told me that my unreasonable financial demands (translation: getting him to pay the CSA minimum) meant that he wouldn't pay her sixth form school fees. I let him stew until DD's GCSEs were over, then calmly wrote recorded delivery and pointed out that if he broke the Consent Order I would take him to court to enforce it

My then-counsellor told me, several years ago, that XH was expecting me to back down because that was what I had done throughout our marriage. It took XH three or four years to realise that he really, truly had no control over me any more. He paid the school fees, BTW.

Six years down the line here and exH is no better. Similar situation, he can't control me so he has done his utmost to harm dd's relationship with me and dictate what she does with me (including trying to get her to stop certain sports and activities, go on trips with me, and see the extended family). DD(7) was becoming so distressed that the school intervened and made a referral to SS. With their support, I went back to court to change the order and ensure a third party is present during contact. This is a temporary arrangement - we're back in court in the next couple of weeks, and we may be moving back to unsupervised again. We'll be back on the whole merry-go-round, as he hasn't learned anything from the experience. Anyway, at least it's given dd some respite and it's vindicated her feeling that her dad shouldn't be treating her like this.

I note previous posters mention others judging the situation as two parents who can't agree. It make me grit my teeth with rage when I've done my utmost to be reasonable and fair and we're both treated as unreasonable. People think it takes two to have a conflict, but it really doesn't, not with men like this. You could roll over and agree to everything they ever want, but it still doesn't take away the conflict because they are bottomless pits of entitlement.

Biblio - your final para is it in a nutshell. This ^^. They have no boundaries and huge entitlement. School are a big one for this and although I am sympathetic to their requirement to be fair to both parties, I do feel that for most people it is about avoiding confronting the bully.

I'm having terrible trouble getting school to listen to me and they know the background of my ex's EA behaviour. I get the impression they switch off when I call or email.

Quite depressing to see that things don't get better (and we're at the start of this road). My ex is out to destroy me every way possible and its proving really hard to fight against. Virtually every day brings a new battle.

So many of these posts could have been written about DH's exW!! Just to add a little balance women can be monstrous too! She EA DH throughout their marriage (serious gas lighting, emotional blackmail and just outright cruelty) and when he finally suggested trial separation she crucified him. Every week we have to contend with a new attack, largely via the dc who it is clear she is now EA - especially the youngest who is v like his father. We tried the courts but she just became more devious and would inflict punishments in other ways. Today we managed to get some progress - SS are going to "put a team around" the DC. Hopefully she will not be able to wriggle out of so many people focussing on her at once.
It might be an idea to request the same for your DC - that way a paper trail can be established, it is a more softly softly approach than court but the outcome would appear to be more positive.

Team around the family was a nightmare for me. Some of the help provided was from very incompetent individuals who did more harm than good. The provision was patchy and very limited. My ex used the discussions in the meetings in court documents - he was not supposed to do this but still did, again without rebuke from anyone. I like you was very hopeful at the outset that the delivery would help, in fact you spend more time discussing what is needed and justifying it than actually getting on.

Oh fucksticks. I had been really hoping for something positive. I won't tell DH as he gets so overwhelmed and anxious by it all that he would just back out now.

What an absolute nightmare some of these exes sound. In my opinion, when they start bringing the kids into it, they've crossed a massive line

I get on very well with my ex. Sometimes, if he's planned on taking the DC out or to visit family he'll text and say "hi! could you ask the kids to be a bit smarter today when I pick up as we are going to xyz". (Usually tey'd be in jeans and converse). That is fine. All of these archane rules your exH is imposing on youOP are quite another matter

I would be tempted to take a picture of your DD2, OP. Could you say "You look so lovely I want a picture!" before she goes. Your DD1 won't fall for that of course but you might get away with it for DD1