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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need an outsiders view please

50 replies

jennilou2 · 11/10/2015 23:09

I've been with my fiancé for 18 months but i don't think I should stay with him. For the first 9 months he txt, sent rude pics, continued if single even planing meet ups with other women behind my back. This devastated me when I found out but he believed lying to me was the answer and the lies continued each time I'd find him out. He has changed but upon changing has turned controlling wants to know who I'm texting who's calling me, where I'm going, how long will I be and he always wants to go everywhere with me. I have told him I hate this behaviour as it seems he has trust issues with me when I have never done anything wrong.
Today I have said that if by the end of this month things haven't improved he has to go.
any advice please

OP posts:

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 23:10

Get rid... Don't bother waiting out the month. He will not change, I promise you that.

Lizawithaz · 11/10/2015 23:12

You have only known this man for 18 months. He is clearly a cheater and a liar. You deserve better. Much better. Dump him.

abanico · 11/10/2015 23:14

If you marry him, or even stay with him, the only way is down. there is no reason to stay with someone who treats you like this. There is no point in waiting a month. A month is plenty short enough to pretend you have changed and then blow up again once your probation period is up, you've already been given free reign to do so. He knows you will keep giving him one last chance to prove he has changed.

lorelei9 · 11/10/2015 23:15

Dump. And in the nicest possible way, ask yourself why you put up with a shit for so long. Don't waste your life like that.

ImperialBlether · 11/10/2015 23:16

Why are you waiting until the end of the month?

NanaNina · 11/10/2015 23:19

I think you've jumped the gun a bit here - engaged and only known each other 18 months. He sounds like he has real problems - insecurity and emotional immaturity spring to mind. His constant lying is a real problem and suggests that he doesn't understand how to interact with someone on the basis of trust and harmony.

The controlling issue is equally as worrying, and very often this sort of behaviour is a prelude to violent behaviour. What do you know of his background, his parenting etc. But regardless of how he was brought up I think you need to end this relationship - there are too many red flags to risk continuing, but be prepared for an adverse reaction if and when you do actually end the relationship. I think there is the potential for this man to become violent.

Allalonenow · 11/10/2015 23:20

Liars and cheats never change.

Don't give him another chance by waiting till the end of the month, if you do, he will improve for a little while, then in two or three months you will be back where you are today.

Get rid of him ASAP, and once he has gone, stop all contact with him.

Best of luck jennilou

Original poster

jennilou2 · 11/10/2015 23:21

I feel guilty as he has no where to go. Yes I know I sound like a doormat but i don't want someone to be homeless too end of the month he gets paid and its problem gone .

OP posts:

abanico · 11/10/2015 23:25

Don't be a mug, he's not your responsibility, he's a grown man not a stray dog. Get rid of him.

abanico · 11/10/2015 23:27

You'er already on the back foot because you haven't even said "you can stay until you get paid, then fuck off", you've given him a chance to prove himself over 20 days, which any tosser can manage to do if they know it will give them a cushy number of a woman who is (apparently?) financially supporting them and also being available as an emotional punchbag.

CupboardOfBacon · 11/10/2015 23:29

His problem. How dare he treat you like that. Do you dc? What would you say to a child of yours in this position? He is not responsibility especially if if he can't treat you with respect!

CupboardOfBacon · 11/10/2015 23:31

God typos.. Sorry feeding the baby

cozietoesie · 11/10/2015 23:31

It's not your problem, jenni - he's a big boy now. I'd have him out of the door tonight, personally.

Original poster

jennilou2 · 12/10/2015 10:41

I have told my mum today I'm ending it with him, she wasn't supportive and said your kids will grow up and leave you and your going to be lonely. I would of thought as a mother she would say good for you but no, I'd rather be lonely than in the wrong relationship wishing I had left years ago , sorry for rant but I don't have anyone else to talk too.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 12/10/2015 10:45

Omg it's no wonder you've put up with his shut for so long given that you mother has clearly conditioned you to have such low expectations for yourself and of life!

Your relationship and the opinion of your mother is not normal. Please stay strong. You'd not want a shit relationship like yours for your kids and so shouldn't model it as being acceptable for you otherwise they will see it as normal. You and your kids deserve better.

cozietoesie · 12/10/2015 11:15

It sounds as if you've been lonely for a good while, jenni - especially with a mother like that. (And you can be lonely inside a 'relationship' as well, as you know.)

Well done. Onwards and upwards.

MissApple · 12/10/2015 11:21

It can only get worse. Run and dont look back...

nameschanger · 12/10/2015 11:23

It's your life not your mums. Ignore her advice, she obviously just wants you in a relationship rather than single. Which is daft.

Stick to your threat. He won't have changed by the end of the month so on 31 October pack his bags and tell him to go.

Or just tell him to go now. Why delay the inevitable?

cozietoesie · 12/10/2015 11:37

Yes - watch out for the nature of the changed behaviour. You could well be getting the flowers and the tears and then the 'I wanted us to have Christmas together at least' (it's an indifferent time of year for protestations and the Little Boy Lost technique.) If you don't stay strong, you'll likely still be where you are in the New Year or longer ...........

AnyFucker · 12/10/2015 11:39

Your mother is stupid. What sort of abuse has she tolerated over the years and she expects you to perpetuate it ? Ignore her.

Dump the controlling twat. Your life will improve immensely. I am sure some mug will let him sleep on their sofe. One of his online dalliances perhaps ?

cozietoesie · 12/10/2015 11:46

Which - despite what the OP believes - could well be continuing to this day.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 12/10/2015 11:52

I'd rather be lonely than in the wrong relationship wishing I had left years ago

Yyy op..you are so right.

And I doubt you will be lonely. There are plenty of men out there. Some of them are lovely but you cannot meet them while you are with that dead weight.

miaowroar · 12/10/2015 11:53

"your kids will grow up and leave you and your going to be lonely"

If you do what you have always done you will get what you have always got. Take it from someone who has done this - I LTB and now am without a partner, but the peace of mind is worth far more than any "companionship" this loser would ever give you.

My kids haven't left yet though - despite lots of hints

It amazes me how some women can think that a man - ANY man - is better than being alone. Believe me, being your own master (mistress?) is great - embrace it.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/10/2015 13:38

Your mothers response explains a lot about why you put up with this shite!
I would change your phrasing to him and tell him that he has 1 week to find a place to live because you want him gone.
You are sounding strong but please....
Contact Womens aid and get on their Freedom Programme. From the sounds of your upbringing you need to establish what boundaries are and how learn how to spot red flags far earlier than this.
He should have been gone at least a year ago.

Get him gone then get on that course!

Original poster

jennilou2 · 12/10/2015 21:01

Thank you all for your messages, I have firmly made up my mind now also helped with the fact I found out he's on dating sites again which yet again he denies, game over

OP posts:

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