DRY 9!!!!!

[CheesyNachos]

The DRY 8 thread suddenly came to an end! 1000 messages before we knew it.

THis is the thread for those who are abstaining and who want to abstain from alcohol. :)

All are welcome.

Previous thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2432985-DRY-8?

[Sirenetta]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the great book links above and umpteen thanks for your story. I am in my first period of sobriety (now about 50 days) and I don't know what I am going to do when I get to 100. Already a couple of people have said it could be a "Reset" and then I could go back to moderate drinking. My heaviest drinking was probably about 1 bottle of wine a week plus 3 or 4 bottles of beer and 2 cocktails on Sundays. Some weeks a lot less. But I felt this pattern wasn't doing me any favors and I worried that I was using wine as an after-work numbing medication. I feel transformed by total sobriety (better skin, better calm, better modd, better sleep and so on) but still can't bend my head around it being forever, especially as I don't have any extremely bad experiences on the booze that I can think of as cautionary tales. We are so brainwashed by alcohol and the industry and culture around it - as Alan Carr's book talks about. It's really awful. As I get closer to the 100 days I will up my reading and hopefully find inspiration to just say "I'll do another 100".

[BamBam21]

Hi everyone. Welcome umpteen, melborne and sirenetta

So, another shitty, non-dry weekend. After DS2's sickness on Friday night he has just been really sleepy and off-colour, and I have felt a bit queasy off and on. Didn't stop me drinking though. I feel I am learning a lot about why I drink, and what my triggers are, but I can't seem to find the solution to being able to stay stopped.

I felt like I was in hell on Friday afternoon - I craved a drink so much, and at the same time I desperately wanted to be sober. And I knew that if I drank I would really regret it, and yet I still did. Maybe it would be different if I was on my own, or if DP wasn't just the same, I don't know. And that's another reason I think I drink - just to get some time to myself. Last night, DP fell asleep on the couch, so I got a precious couple of hours to myself just to read, think etc. That time would be so much nicer if I was actually sober, and if DP wasn't passed out!

Try again. I can't describe how awful I felt with craving on Friday, and that was Day 4. Maybe I should take Kalms or something. And I will try to get out for walks if DS2 is up to it.

[gladistopped]

BamBam even though you had drink you ARE thinking about why you drink and what triggers you - so that is progress. Use the things you have learnt to alter the routine, avoid the triggers etc. Hard to do I know. But you can do it.

[BamBam21]

Thanks glad. That's what I am trying to do, and to see the positives.

I feel so full of rage about everything today - my rubbish life, my rubbish appearance, and my stupid addiction. I feel like punching a wall or something.

[CheesyNachos]

Bam do you have any time to yourself today? Can you go for a swim or a bike ride or do something very physical to attack your rage?

Take care of yourself.... please, NO NEGATIVE self talk..... you are addicted to an addictive substance that is insidious, and somehow socially acceptable. But you know what? You are actually ahead of the game..... you know what you want to achieve, and you are on this thread and addressing it. You have tools in your armoury, and you know you can use those tools. You are way way way way further down the path than millions of others.

Welcome umpteen melborne and sirinetta. It is SO good to have you here with us. :)

[RainyBow]

Can I also join? I have struggled with alcohol consumption since my early 20s and have got to the point where I think about it all the time, and don't feel relaxed unless I have a plan for how to get it later in the day.

Yesterday I drank way too much and managed to get myself into a really awkward / bad situation simply by missing all of the warning signs due to being too drunk. After I got home (no recollection of this) I ended up being sick all over the bathroom and my wonderful DH having to hose me down in the bath I no longer feel like it is about just me. I have to do it for him and our wonderful DC who only missed this embarrassing state because he kept them away from me.

So today is Day 1 for me. I have to completely abstain as it is not possible for me to moderate. I am currently finding the idea really easy as I can't even stomach food and I am still feeling the shame and depression of last night.

[BamBam21]

Hi cheesy. You are very kind. I don't have any time to myself today unfortunately. The kids are on holiday from school, and DP has to work a bit later, so won't be home until pretty much bath time. I am going to take the two of them for a walk I think. We are lucky to live by the sea, so a walk might help. I just feel so trapped. I need to be alone.

Welcome rainybow. You have come to the right place.

[RainyBow]

Hi BamBam thank you. I think a walk sounds like a great idea. I know what you mean about being trapped and needing to be alone. I felt like the school run earlier was the walk of shame - like everyone could tell what happened yesterday. I just wanted to drive but of course couldn't.

We've run out of some important things so need to go to the shops soon. I think I am going to stock up on chocolate and fizzy drinks. I realise that it is swapping one problem for another but it is early days and will need treats as a distraction.

[BamBam21]

You are a woman after my own heart rainybow! I have got some nice cordial, so I am going to get some lemonade to go with it, and maybe some crisps. I have taken some Kalms, and we are off for our walk now.

It's horrible when you feel like everyone knows you are hungover. I always worry that people can smell it. Be kind to yourself.

[Umpteen]

Rainybow, I've been in the same boat a few times, with DH sorting me out and him being both angry with me and worried about me. It is all very horrible. Get your strength back today.

[Umpteen]

BamBam, have I read upthread that you have both a toddler and a 12 year old? That's such an exhausting combination of ages, hard to carve out any space in the day for you. But, like gladi and cheesy said, recognising your triggers is really positive, and you know what you want to achieve.

[Seabiscotti]

lurking as still unwell and brain not working properly. bam and rainy.

[Fontella]

Well it's four weeks dry for me today and I am really pleased with myself at the moment.

On Saturday, I had the most awful meeting (I'm self-employed), very difficult and stressful - didn't want to be there, but I desperately need the work. One of the guys was an awful creep and kept touching me. Every time I put my hands on the table, he'd lay both of his on them - at one point I very pointedly sort of pulled them out from under his, but it didn't seem to deter him. Kept touching my arm and shit - I felt so stressed and uncomfortable and the meeting went on for hours - from mid-morning until late afternoon.

When I eventually got out of there I had a long walk back to my car and rang a friend as I walked, to tell her what had happened. She said 'go home and have a lovely big glass of wine - you deserve it'. Once upon a time that is exactly what I would have done - thought 'fuck it' and stopped at the shop on the way home and got a bottle or two for the evening.

But I didn't, and even though I had to stop off a the shops for lottery tickets and bits and bobs - as stressed and tired as I was, I didn't cave in.

[Lucy2610]

Kudos Fontella What a D-bag!

[BamBam21]

Yes umpteen, the DSs are nearly 12 and 3. It seems full-on from the moment I wake (and DS2 still wakes at least once every night), and DS1 is very demanding and stroppy too. I know I would cope better with it if I was sober, but the initial few days/weeks after stopping drinking are so awful and stressful that I end up falling back into it. Not sure yet how to get past that, and already wibbling about tonight.

We had a nice walk, but DS2 is pretty tired as he is still washed out from his sickness bug. It was nice though, and I have a big pot of homemade lentil and bacon soup in my slow cooker, so it's not all bad!

Well done on 4 weeks fontella! What a creep that guy sounds!

[Lucy2610]

Welcome melborne sirenetta & Rainybow :)
Keep on keeping on BamBam :)

[Sirenetta]

Here is a very interesting article from today's guardian:
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/19/pregnant-women-alcohol-pediatric-study

"The highest prevalence of drinking while pregnant is found among a surprising demographic: college-educated, unmarried women between 35 and 44 years old, according to the CDC. Those findings seem to have held steady for years – in Elizabeth Armstrong’s book about fetal alcohol syndrome, Conceiving Risk, Bearing Responsibility, an analysis of 1988 data found women’s odds of drinking while pregnant increased with education and income level. At the time, a woman with a graduate degree was twice as likely to drink while pregnant as a woman who had not completed high school."

Who are these women who drink while pregnant? Well, us.... The women juggling careers who get into a wine habit that escalates from 20s to 30s to 40s to 50s... Fascinating and also devastating to think about how these drinking trends among women could be starting to hurt children before they're born. (though note - v clear that there is a lot here that science doesn't understand).

I consider myself squarely in this group (though am married). I'm 35 and had my first child nearly 3 years ago. I totally made excuses for the odd glass of wine later in the pregnancy. All was and is fine but I'm sorry I did that. I wish I could have just gone AF and enjoyed it while pregnant the way I am enjoying it now.

[RainyBow]

Hello all, thank you for your welcomes. I am feeling a lot happier today and much less low about it all. I am trying to move forward now and seize the moment.

I found that article really interesting Sirenetta. I had my DC in my 20s and did go AF (largely because I felt so sick, but also as I hadn't slipped into such bad habits). It is since having DC that I have struggled the most. I bf and remember having to express and dump a lot. I always felt guilty but didn't stop. I do agree that the wine habit has escalated from my 20s to 30s. I am really trying to interrupt that now.

[CheesyNachos]

Hi everyone. :)

Interesting article Sirinetta. I was in the throes of my drinking years when I was pg and used to have a 50 ml of wine twice a week. I HATED being pg because I could not drink. I moaned and moaned throughout. I am smiling now, because I am LOVING being sober. Just loving it.

Oddly enough, no-one ever told me not to drink and bf. In fact, because I lost alot of blood my midwife actually instructed DH to give me a glass of red with every meal including breakfast to replenish iron or something. I never inquired too deeply what it was meant to help with but entered into the spirit of that with some relish..

Sorry - random musings.

Had a bad night here - DS has a new puzzle book he is keen on so woke up at 3 am determined to play it - with me. He just would not sleep. I heard 3 am strike, 4 am strike and 5 am strike while I was trying to persuade him to settle. But am bright and bouncy today - strangely! Although I am procrastinating - via- Mumsnet again.

Fontella what a creep! I am always amazed at the self-regard some people have that they think their creepy attention is somehow welcome!

[custardcreamdreams]

Kinda been a bit awol from the thread. How is everyone?

Interesting to see the difference in guidelines between countries Sirinetta. I actually had two drinks total with my 1st pregnancy and zero with my second. I'm one of the people that knows before period due that I'm pregnant too so no fear of not finding out until later. I was the same as Cheesy though and detested the forced sobriety.

What age is your ds Chessy? Dd has nights like that too - she's usually bouncy the next day and I'm clinging onto coffee to keep me awake. Hope you have a better night tonight.

Bit nervous about impending Halloween parties approaching.

[Sirenetta]

Hi everyone. Had my first really clumsy "I'm not drinking" awkwardness last night - amazing that it took this long (I'm over 50 days in). Had a big work meeting and at the end of it everyone was like "wayhey let's go have drinks" --I made excuses that I needed to do xyz, which I did, and then went along once I started to get "where are you" texts. By then people were a little p*ssed already. I ordered iced water and thought I wasn't going to get busted but then people started calling me out . I could see them wondering if I was pregnant (could almost see the thought bubble). Embarrassing and awkward but, you know what, so much better than drinking! I had a great night's sleep at my hotel and was fresh in the morning (unlike colleagues). GAH though. Why is it so socially acceptable to call out non-drinking? You wouldn't call out a muslim for not eating a ham sandwich.

[CheesyNachos]

Morning all.

Well done Sirinetta for not caving to peer pressure!

You are quite right though..... why do people (who are drinkig) seem so invested if you do not? Hope you enjoyed a lovely breakfast! Going to sleep sober in a comfy hotel room.... lovely. :)

DS is 5 custard. He was okay yesterday, then got extremely grumpy in the evening but I managed to wrestle him to bed at 7 and he is still sleeping hard. He is usually up around 6 am so I often try and squeeze some MN work in before he gets up.

I am going okay. Bit swamped with work which is a bore. I took on two back to back projects which I will try and avoid in the future!

Hope everyone has a great day.

[Wtfmummy]

I'd like to join if I can please.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Sometimes i start thinking about it right at the beginning of the day and I have no control over how much I drink, I just keep going until it's gone or I'm passed out. The worry for me recently is that I've started having sneaky drinks before DH gets home. I have 3 DSs under 4, so when the school run is done and I'm doing their dinner st 4.30pm I'll start drinking a glass of wine. I did a bottle last night on my own. Feel like shit today - not hungover but massively disappointed in myself.

So, today is going to be my Day 1.

[CheesyNachos]

Welcome Wtfmummy. :) So good to have you with us.

3 cs under the age of 4??!! Gosh, you must be exhausted!

what plans for today to avoid the alcohol? I can really recommend getting in some luxurious soft drinks that you would normally never drink. (I used to avoid soft drinks because of calories, but would down 800 cals in wine without thought... )

Also, plan a treat for you after the dinner that you can look forward to. Or, if cooking is THE massive trigger, can you just have a McDonalds or takeaway day - in front of Cbeebies/dvd or something? Anything to shake up the routine and the trigger time. When I first went alcohol-free last year we were coming into summer and my trigger time was the same as yours, so DS and I had a picnic dinner every day for weeks at the playground. It helped immensely.

You will feel alot better tomorrow. :)

[FartemisOwl]

Hi to Melbourne, Rainybow, Umpteen, Sirenetta, Custard and WTF (love the name!)
Good luck on your day one! Just to reiterate what Cheesy said really, I've been finding that having something nice to look forward to in the evening helps - I've made so many cakes and goodies lately to keep me going I broke the blender, oops! Definitely helps though. Also putting a different relaxation trigger in place at 'trigger' times is a good one. For me, 8.30 was always wine o' clock. Now it's slippers and full fat milk time instead.

Two weeks dry today, so I'm pretty happy. Though if I ever needed a reminder why I'm doing this, I'm also in hospital today for surgery to remove some metalwork from my foot after breaking it in 3 places back in March - my first and last drinking related accident.