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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to tell ex I've moved on

28 replies

LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 18:24

Recently spilt up from XP after 12 year relationship. Very abusive, physical and emotional and we have two children together. I still have contact with him for the children and have the support of WA, the police and am starting the Freedom Program in January. There has been a lot of harassment since I decided to end it (took four weeks of hell before he moved out) and he's not really left me alone.

Basically, I've got chatting to a guy I went to school with and we met last week and had a kiss and cuddle. I'm not jumping in feet first, just taking it as it comes as both myself and the children have a lot of healing to do. But it got me thinking about how to tell XP. Do I tell him I've met someone for coffee (not the kiss and cuddle part) and would it get him to back off? I really don't think it would, in fact I think it would make him worse. Just looking for some opinions and experiences. Thanks.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 11/10/2015 18:25

Don't tell him anything, after all what's to tell at this stage really?

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 18:27

Very true Jean! I'm so used to justifying my every move to him and its such a hard pattern to break!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 18:28

No no no - don't tell him anything. Not his business.

JeffsanArsehole · 11/10/2015 18:29

If you were really over him and not still worried about his reaction you wouldn't bother telling him cos it wouldn't matter Sad

Your personal life is now NONE of his business

AnnaMarlowe · 11/10/2015 18:29

It's not his business any more, telling him about it would reinforce his view that it is his business.

If he's been harassing you already I can't imagine that telling him you are going to embark on a relationship with another man is going to make things better.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2015 18:31

In the nicest possible way, do you think it's wise to jump right into another relationship? I really think you should be single for a while at least till you've done the Freedom Programme. You need to discover you again not be someone partner continuously.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 18:35

Thank you ladies - none of his business!

pinky yes that's my thoughts exactly. The guy knows that I'm not ready for anything but I thought what's the harm in coffee and we ended up having a kiss Blush. He absolutely knows I'm not ready to emotionally invest at the minute.

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/10/2015 18:39

Take this from me.
Tell him nothing.

You owe him precisely FUCK ALL in terms of respect when he never respected you or your boundaries.

IF you meet someone who becomes serious, talk of moving in etc and there are kids involved, it's courtesy to inform him, nothing more.

Personally I would recommend that you do the Freedom Programme AND see if you can get some ongoing counselling before you consider dating proper.

That said, it's very good experience for you to interact with men and learn that not all of them expect to own you.

The worry is that you'll be drawn to the familiar and the familiar in your case is potentially life threatening.

Be YOU first, learn to accept and love yourself first and foremost so that you demand/expect the same from all those around you. This includes your ex, your family and whoever else is in your circle.

popalot · 11/10/2015 18:39

Tell him nothing. And spend at least the next year single, so you know that you are all good on your own first. It will make your recovery from abuse much clearer and straightforward if you are not having any sort of relationship with another man.

Hissy · 11/10/2015 18:40

Xpost. Who made the move kiss wise?

If him, back off a LOT!

You need people to give you time and space to make sure it's what you want and what's healthy for you.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 18:48

Wow - some amazing advice!

Hissy you're spot on about boundaries, I'm working really hard to reaffirm them to XP. We both sort of initiated the kiss, a hug goodbye and it just happened.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling (XP got some through his work immediately FFS) and I really need it. I think I maybe do need to back off from this guy as he wants to meet again, I've said Wednesday and he keeps asking for sooner despite me saying I can't. I made the desicion to just focus on myself, my children and my friends when we split and I think I need to stick to that for now. Fuck.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 11/10/2015 18:55

Why would you need to tell him? He's your ex.

Good that you are getting counselling soon so that you can examine that drive to justify your own choices to others. Do you have some good, solid friends you could unload to, while you wait for your counselling to start?

And good job sensing that you are not comfortable with a man who pushes your stated boundaries. People who don't respect the small things are unlikely to respect the big things.

Gabilan · 11/10/2015 19:01

"I've said Wednesday and he keeps asking for sooner despite me saying I can't."

Not a good sign that this early on he's not listening to what you say. Enthusiasm is great but that should take the form of "Wednesday, brilliant, I look forward to it, what do you want to do?" not "that doesn't suit me, make it earlier".

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 19:02

I have a friend who is going through almost exactly the same at the minute - we are starting the Freedom Program together. We have supported each other so much and our XPS are alike it's unreal! My other friends have been absolute rocks - I'm so lucky.

Just as I've been reading replies I've got another WhatsApp from the other guy - I told him not tonight as I have to study and he's told me to study now so we can meet up later. No no no. Thank you, I was starting to backslide into people pleasing and I've just realised I'm going to have to set boundaries with him too. Don't have the strength for it, not worth it.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 19:12

Tell him nothing.

But I think it is way too soon for anything new, and this new guy, bit pushy isn't he? Bit of a red flag. I think you should run like the wind quite frankly.

While you are waiting do the Freedom Programme online, it only costs a tenner.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 19:24

Don't tell your ex a thing

Bin off new guy...he is coming over as far too pushy

Start the FP as soon as you can. You still sound very vulnerable to using men.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 19:48

I didn't realise I could do the Freedom Program online - thank you will look at it.

Have told other guy he needs to back off, I'm not ready for this. He's apologised but I'm really not sure about him now. Leaving it at that for the now, too much other stuff going on.

Any - can you have explain what you mean by "using men" please? As in them using me or me using them?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 20:10

Them using you, lovey.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 20:17

Thank you - you're right. I have a hard time saying no and I need to look at that. Thank you all for pulling my head out my ass xx

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 11/10/2015 20:21

There's nothing to tell him. You've met a bloke and snogged him. Hardly worth the upset.

Agree with pp though. If you were moving on, you wouldn't be thinking about how to tell him. I'd keep out of relationships until I'd healed if I were you.

wallywobbles · 11/10/2015 20:22

I was single for 6 years after abusive ex and then even when l thought I was sorted emotionally and psychologically I still had a lot of issues. Please be single for a good while or you'll never know who you are.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 21:03

Yes you're all right. I do need to be single but some of my friends were encouraging me to "get under someone to get over him". Really don't think that's going to be the case though it's going to take a long time to get over this. He still thinks he has a hold over me and trying to break that is a nightmare. Which is why I was thinking I should tell him but no. And I'm cutting my losses with the other guy. Not worth it when there is so much to sort out already.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/10/2015 21:46

Oh dear it gets worse. So new guy is already not listening to what you say and telling you what to do. I think you know it'll end in tears if he stays around don't you?

For the sake of your mental health please do not let another bully into your life. You need to heal from the abuse you've been through, you need to be at peace with yourself and build confidence and self esteem. Build a new safe nurturing environment for your children and for yourself. Stand on your own 2 feet and feel the pride and happiness that comes from knowing you are living your life to full and doing right by your DC and dependant on no-one. Then and only then will you be ready for a new relationship, then you'll have the self respect and awareness to only accept a respectful decent person into your life.

You owe nothing to this new guy, he's already riding roughshod over your wishes and you've only had a coffee! I bet your ex was pleasant when you first met him too.

You sound lovely OP, please don't give your time and energy to another guy who doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
LadyRivers1 · 11/10/2015 21:52

Thank you pinky - I've had years of someone telling me I'm a psycho bitch because I tried to stand up for myself and I'm not taking it anymore. I am a bloody nice person damn it!!

If he had been happy to leave it at coffee and a kiss and then to meet up on Wednesday I probably would have been happy to go along with that, but yes don't have the energy for setting boundaries with someone else. Sod that. Myself and my children come first, and before I started chatting to him I was actually at peace with being alone for a while. My house is now so quiet, drama free and at peace and I can't have anyone coming in upsetting that dynamic.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/10/2015 21:55

X posted with your last post OP. Glad you're cutting him out . I know your friends mean well but think that's pretty bad advice.
Get a vibrator maybe?!