I don't know how to begin to say it.

[blametheparents82]

I don't love my wife. I respect and admire and like her - she's an incredible person, and any sensible man should be thankful to have her, but apparently I'm not sensible because I don't love her.

We've been together 12 years, married 10. Two DCs, 8 and 6, who - needless to say - are the reason it's still a marriage and not an ex-marriage.

Like a lot of these stories, it begins with sex, and a mismatch in drives. Hers was always lower, and although her perception is that we used to be at it like knives, we weren't. Maybe for the first few weeks. After that, we settled into a pattern that I'd associate with 20 years of marriage: 2, 3 times a week. That lasted a little while, but dwindled fast to once a week, then once a fortnight. Then the DCs came along and it tells you everything you need to know that I am certain where and when DS (second child) was conceived.

While all this dwindling was going on, I tried and tried and was rejected and rejected. It was humiliating, and caused a lot of resentment. Both of us, to be honest, were embarrassed to confront it, embarrassed to ask for what we wanted in bed, embarrassed to say "I'm not in the mood". Sex between us shrivelled and died. It's probably more than a year since we last attempted it, and that was a disaster. After years of feeling resentment and humiliation, I became the one to reject her. I wanted sex - want sex - but I don't want it with her. I quite simply am not attracted to her - the years of near-drought killed my desire for her. I actually don't blame her for it - we were both to blame, our inability to talk it through or get help before it was too late.

But now I don't want help. I want to be free. What began as sexual dysfunction spread and turned malignant. We don't row, we don't abuse each other - we simply exist under the same roof. The kids wouldn't necessarily be aware there's a problem, but we have no friends in common, no interests in common. The DCs are all that unites us. And they're great - happy, healthy, hilarious, intelligent little miracles. I adore them, and look forward to every second I spend with them, and have a wonderful time when I do. But it's always better if it's them with their mum, or them with me. Not both. "Family time" always has that underlying tension, at least for me.

Despite my respect and regard for my wife, I can't help misdirecting my feelings sometimes. I do find myself blaming her - although I certainly don't express it intentionally. (I'm suffering from quite acute depression, which I'm getting help for, but I'm certain the marriage difficulties are a cause, not an effect, of my MH problems.) Anyway, when I'm down, a symptom is anger. I'm not an angry person, and I don't shout or scream, and I've never used my fists on another human being, let alone in a relationship. I just go cold, and sarcastic, and freeze right up. I feel myself doing it and try not to, but it's so hard not to make my sadness come out as anger. She doesn't deserve it, and I do try my hardest to be nice. This doesn't happen often, but it's becoming more frequent, and I don't want to be that person. I hate myself when I freeze up on her, and that makes it all worse.

So we're both so unhappy, and we know that The Conversation, when it comes, will be the end of us. So we're not having The Conversation. We're desperately avoiding all conflict because we both know the dam will burst when we do.

And I know it's coming, but all I want is to minimise the damage for the children and for both of us. I think she still loves me, and is terrified. And part of me wants to do what a husband does - put my arms around her and make it all OK and reassure her. But I've got no reassurance to give: she may love me, but my love for her is gone. And The Conversation is coming and I'm so scared.

How can I have it in the most blame-free, kindest way possible? Is there a way to do this without cruelty? There isn't, is there? Oh god, I never wanted to be cruel to her.

Well done for having the guts to come on here acknowledging your problem, it's not easy for a man doing that. Now acknowledge it to your wife and do the decent thing.

Myself and my DH split. The children suffered at first but everything is so much better in the long run. Everyone is happy.

Do it now before resentment takes over. You and your wife need a good relationship for the sake of your children for everything to work well in the future.

No one has to stay in a relationship. Just tell her that you feel you've grown apart and you want to separate. I wouldn't necessarily bring up the fact that you're no longer attracted to her as she will just feel even worse.

Ask her how she thinks you can go about making the separation amicable and give her time for it all to sink in. Be kind but stick to your guns. Giving her false hope might ease your guilt but in the long run will hurt you both more.

Regarding this: I suppose it was inevitable that, being a bloke, someone would try to cast me as the villain, you were a bit premature in posting that, try not to be defensive, not everyone is going to agree. Take what you need from the thread, ignore unhelpful comments.

Ps i agree u r not dooming your kids to a lifetime if misery. I have split up from my kids dad. A different situation, but he is happier with somebody else and im happier without him and kids are happy.

People sometimes do a bit of a head tilt "aw poor kids' but we are all happy here.

Hi OP.
Would counselling help you and your wife to negotiate your separation?
Random makes an excellent point about not letting guilt push you into a poor financial position. You both have good salaries so as long as your children are supported properly, both you and your wife should have a nice home for your DC.
Good luck with having the conversation.

Counselling might actually be helpful in negotiating your separation so that it's as painless as possible.
It's not wrong to end a marriage that is making you unhappy, but it's good to your best to end it with consideration, kindness and fairness. Good luck.

I think you sound really honest and decent. I can understand why you've not braved the conversation. Can the kids stay with grandparents and you sort it out over half term?

I am a teacher. I remember a set of parents split up and came in together to let us know. They told me that they loved each other as the parents of their children. That really stuck with me. They loved each other for doing the most important job by their children. Their priority was to try to protect their kids and as far as I know they seemed to manage that really well.

You sound thoughtful and decent enough to make the best job you can of a really tricky situation.

fairenuff yes, you're right about the "because I'm a man thing". I was lashing back thoughtlessly at one post that stung a bit, and that wasn't fair. The comments I've received on here have been really helpful and supportive, and I really appreciate it. Thank you, everyone.

iguana God, that's so spot on it's really affected me. Yes, that describes absolutely how I feel about my wife: I love her for the wonderful mother she is to our children. I like her, I admire her. She and I aren't right for each other, and so I don't love her in that way, but I do love her as a fantastic co-parent.

As others have said, don't blame. There's no point discussing the sex/no sex situation.
Just explain as kindly and calmly as possible how you feel.
For gods sake, get it over with before you find someone else - that will definitely hurt her a lot more.
Good luck.

Don't delete the thread.

You'll get good advice here.

Does your wife come on MN? I suppose I'm always suspicious of men starting threads like this in the hope their wife will recognise themselves.

Mostly everyone on here has echoed my thoughts op,please get out of this relationship,you're both so obviously unhappy. You only get one chance at life and you owe it to yourself to be happy good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Something I said to my dh which helped him was "I don't want my dc growing up that this is all they expect from a relationship, that they think this is normal, yet that is what we are teaching them."

Really give him clarity that short term heartache can lead onto something better for the dc.

I think I am very similar to your wife and you sound very like my husband who is a decent man. We separated a year ago for very similar reasons. What I would stress to you is - make a plan for your new arrangements. Talk to your wife. Don't just go suddenly, with no clear idea of how it will all work. You owe it to her to talk through new arrangements, either just the two of you or with a counsellor. Make it as good as you can for the kids. And as good as you can for the two of you, it will be hard. But you both have to suck it up and put the kids first. Which means you have to communicate about them. Regularly. And will have to for many years.

OP almost the exact thing happened to my DH with his xw except his xw didn't want sex either

unfortunately rather than having a difficult conversation, he had an affair - with me. he left very quickly after meeting me but it was a shit cowardly way to leave, as we both admit. he says he was too scared to lose his dcs, the family home, the status quo and of course the whole shitstorm of a divorce and an angry wife. so it took meeting someone to give him the guts to leave

don't let that happen to you, as 8 years on he is still dealing with the fall out in many ways.

also DH best mate just left his wife in similar circs but also for another woman (except his wife was a fucking nightmare tbh) we helped him through it but he has been through hell.... his XW is now trying to stop contact, keeps trying to get him back using threats and all sorts and generally fucking him about in so many ways, she has even threatened the new GF and stalked her online. whole other thread

come on OP man up, clean break. and no other women till you have left (not saying you would but can see how you would be tempted) ...and then not for a long time

if you want to talk more, do feel free to pm me. as honestly my DH could have written your op in the past

Please dont delay having this conversation. Dont wait until you have everything panned out. This may come as a surprise to your wife, it may not. However it would be incredibly unfair to her to tell her that you will be doing X, Y and Z and to expect her to be instantly on the same page.

You never know, she may be relieved but do her the courtesy of planning your separation together.

ImperialBlether I don't think she has time to come on MN. She always claims to have no patience with online discussions - anyway, she's at work atm (on call) so doubt she'll see this before it's deleted.

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and good advice.

OP I could have written your post - only i'm the DW (with my DH resentful, dismissive, withdrawing affection) and its me that has instigated our split after years of sadness, misery, resentment etc.
I was so frightened to being it up, scared of what he would say or might do; its wasn't great for a while but we're at the mediation stage now and plan to use it to make arrangements for us and the kids. Like a pp remarked, we admire eachother as parents and are trying to think of eachother as family.... neither of us are bad people but we're hopelessly incompatible.
Truthfully, we're now far less stressed around eachother .... we are communicating better (ironically!) and have more consideration.
I wish you and your wife all the best for your lives, together or apart.

I agree with the posters advising you not to go into too much detail about the sex aspect as I think she'll find that even more painful. Just say your relationship doesn't feel right and you're not happy.

Agree with Gnome, don't give the impression you have been thinking about this for ages and have it all planned out.

Be prepared for her to accuse you of having an OW - it would be natural for her to assume this, so don't be offended. Maybe let her look at all your phone messages / emails to put her mind at rest?

You might be one of those families who can do xmas day together!!

Did the sex diminish because your wife had children? It happens in the early months after kids - hormones, lack of personal sexiness because her body has changed. Did you take it as rejection when she went through the post-kids lack of sex drive?

Or was the lack of sex a symptom of your relationship changing? eg. your feelings towards eachother changed and so the intimacy took a hit?

Either way, don't mention it as she tried to initiate it and you rejected her so she has tried to get back on that bike. Just discuss the feelings you have for eachother. It might be you can sort it out with some help if it was the former.

It's best to move on so the two of you can find partners who are more suitable. You're incompatible. It happens. I'd leave all the sex bit out of it and stick to the fact you two have drifted apart.

blametheparents82 You are quite brave to come on here and pour out that you have written. You must have that talk with your wife an I do suggest some counselling. Try Relate that might just get you and her to see things differently or have a trial separation that might just help get it on track again if some of the pressures are removed. I get the feeling that this isn't quite as broken as you think it might be and is perhaps worth trying to mend the damage. before blowing the whole thing up with a divorce

OP

Your post could have been about me and my STBXH. I think a lot of what you have written could have been written by him I think. Well done for coming on here and posting such an honest post.

Firstly, have the conversation and get the inevitable moving. I am in the process of divorcing my ex due to the fact he felt this way but never had the conversation. He instead went the multiple shags route (some with hookers etc). I wish I had had the conversation at least 18 months ago if not before then. Not having the conversation only puts off the inevitable.

Secondly, please do not be brutally honest about how you feel towards her sexually. This process will traumatic enough for her without you adding that layer of honestly on. As others have posted just say you have drifted apart.

Finally, go into this with absolute clarity. If you don't think you can fancy her and get back to that place then don't waste her emotional time and energy on counselling if you've already made up your mind.

It's not going to be easy OP. Your children are going to be devastated (i speak from first hand experience). They'll get through it but it will be really really tough, especially the first few months. Be prepared for anything; if you're fortunate and both parties think clearly then this can be an amicable divorce. But divorce can change people, be prepared to be dealing with someone who will be angry, hurt and as a result unreasonable. That obviously may not happen but it's a possibility you need to brace yourself for.

Last word: you owe it to her to have this conversation. She deserves to have someone in her life (just as I do), who loves her and wants her. She doesn't deserve to be with some one who feels this way towards her, not one bit. Don't take any more years of her life away from her, it just isn't fair.

I hope you don't delete this thread.