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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can a marriage ever be repaired after a conviction for assault?

43 replies

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 10:46

Just that, really.

He was convicted of common assault (on me) a few months ago. It was traumatic and I have been badly affected by it, as you can imagine. It took me ages to sleep properly and I still live in the house where "it" happened. We have been living apart but met up recently and have started tentatively communicating again.

He apologised and I could see a degree of remorse from him.

There MAY BE way back but he would need to attend an anti domestic violence programme. Is it possible to be together again knowing that I could never fully trust him? The programme I know of (for which he had an assessment before the assault happened) has a pretty good success ratio, although there are no guarantees.

Have any of you managed this? I do love him. I love him dearly but I'm not a piece of rubbish who's his emotional punchbag.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 11/10/2015 10:55

I think it's very unlikely that your marriage would succeed. The dynamics have permanently changed. You know what he's capable of. Why is he sorry? That may sound odd but is it because he was convicted or because he now knows violence is wrong or because he's lost his home and his life is worse now etc? It's v important that he finds out where his actions came from and how he can move past that. You don't have a hope in hell otherwise.

magoria · 11/10/2015 10:55

He was already being or had been assessed before the actions which lead to this last assault.

How many times has he assaulted you?

The program may work. It may not.

I would continue to live apart and not see him while he does this course.

If he completes it and you still have feelings take a very very long slow time (another year or so) meeting up and getting to know each other before going further.

Hopefully you will have moved on before he finishes his course and not want someone who is supposed to love you but did this back in your life.

OurBlanche · 11/10/2015 10:59

OK. Re-read your post, change the people to Sarah and Joe.

Sarah was assaulted by Joe a while back. She is still really unsettled by it. She has only just started to sleep again and is just coming to terms with living in the home that was supposed to be her safe place but became the scene of her terror.

Joe asked to meet with her, sends texts and emails, tells her how awful he feels, how much he needs her, has seen that he has some issues, that he needs her help.

Sarah asks if, having once been beaten by the man she loves dearly, she would be mad to support him through a domestic violence programme and to take him back.

What advice would you give to Sarah?

RedMapleLeaf · 11/10/2015 11:00

What are your reasons for considering getting in to a relationship with him?

Original poster

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 11:05

I'm not entirely sure that I do want a relationship again with this man. To answer OurBlanche, he's not been sending me texts and emails telling me how awful he feels. Neither has he told me how much he needs me nor that he needs my help.

I appreciate you seeing it in the third party, though and for your other very wise replies. The advice I would give to Sarah is to bide her time and to establish with him how much work he is going to put into the marriage to win her back and to deal with his issues.

I can't help him, he can only help himself.

To answer another question: he had an assessment as he was regularly verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I sat opposite a man this week who understands that it MAY take a long while. I guess I was wondering if anyone else out there has managed to reconcile and re-build trust successfully. I'm not sure.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 11/10/2015 11:07

Please don't do that to yourself. Can the person who is the greatest danger to you also be the person who's got your back?

AnnaMarlowe · 11/10/2015 11:12

My concern would be what happens next time you have an argument (as is normal in couples) are you holding back making your case in case he hits you?

Do you end up a door mat because you are afraid of him?

By hitting you he's changed your relationship for ever. He can't take it back.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/10/2015 11:13

I couldn't get back with him and spend the rest of my life waiting and watching and treading on eggshells, and I don't think it would be advisable for anyone else either

All the time you're hanging around to see if the DV course helps, you're not moving on and taking control of your own life and future

charis3 · 11/10/2015 11:14

no, it can't be repaired and it shouldn't even be considered or attempted

Original poster

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 11:16

For what it's worth I believe that people can change but only IF they want to, they understand the damage they have done and can cope with the bad feelings that they inevitably will have to go through while they focus on "fixing" themselves.

My husband for the first time this week said that he's been having a long hard look at himself and how he behaves.

He's away this week (family related stuff) so I'm taking the time to reflect. As is he, I guess.

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/10/2015 11:22

It must have been very traumatic for you to have pursued the conviction, on top of what happened to make that necessary. My concern would be whether you had the fortitude to have him convicted again, knowing the penalties would be higher this time. If he knows you would struggle to go through with it, it means the threat of prosecution has lessened. And that sets up an unhealthy power dynamic in what is already an unbalanced relationship.

However, to be clear - he was assessed for rehabilitation before he assaulted you. At minimum he would have to be re-assessed before you could decide anything? I would question the validity of an assessment that found he was capable of change when in fact he went on to escalate the abuse.

Are you having counselling for the after effects of the assault? Is it wise to be in contact with the perpetrator whilst you are coming to terms with it?

I think regardless of what you decide to do, I would tell him that living together is off the table. You have to feel that your home is a haven (which may mean moving from the place where it happened) and you won't ever live with him again. It would be interesting to see how he reacts to having a move back into his old home taken off the table.

Original poster

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 11:29

Well, he certainly couldn't live here again, that's for sure. There will be the means available soon for me to move, which may or may not include him in the long term.

The assault happened before his place on the waitlist for the DV programme became available but I was there to listen to his initial phone call which pulled no punches (pardon the pun) about why he was calling them. He admitted everything.

This week was the first time we had been in contact, which has been strange to say the least.

Yes I am having outside support. Counselling as a model doesn't work for me (someone asking "how I feel about that" doesn't really help me) but there is support for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 11:32

When we talk again it would be made VERY clear that I would not hesitate to dial 999 if I'm in the least bit frightened. People can find a way back but it will require "intervention" at the very least - on his part.

Thanks everyone, for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate it.

OP posts:

AnnaMarlowe · 11/10/2015 11:35

Good luck Lapis with whatever you decide.

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/10/2015 11:39

OP...once they are violent, they do not ever stop. The world is a big place and someone, somewhere, probably knows someone who has, but I don't. Someone somewhere won the Euro Millions but I wouldn't recommend buying a Seychelles island and waiting for that to happen to fund it.

I have known a number of violent men. They never stopped. They aren't scared by you threatening to call a number because when they are hitting you they are not thinking. They think you deserved it. They think they are the victims, with their terrible backgrounds and their hard lives and your refusal to kowtow to them for it and make everything easy for them and actually be a person around them as opposed to a sycophantic accessory.

They do not change.

They. Do. Not. Change.

OurBlanche · 11/10/2015 11:41

Lapis, do you mean that you re-started communication with him?

I ask as you say you love him dearly but also that you are not sure if you want to rekindle a relationship? Understandably, if both of those statements are true, you sound very conflicted and that can make seeing clearly so much more difficult.

If he has not said any of those things then you may need to leave him to get on with it, alone, for himself. If he starts saying any f those things you need to tell him to do it for himself.

Whilst I have not my aunt has been to hell and back with my uncle. He was financially and emotionally abusive for years then he started to slap her, eventually beat her and hospitalised her. She stayed, he went to all sorts of groups, made a concerted effort to follow his meds routine properly. 30 years on and they are still together, happily semi retired in the sun, no far from one of her sisters.

I have no idea how she did it, I couldn't have put up with him. But she did and he has changed, unbelievably, almost completely, 180degree changed.

LurcioAgain · 11/10/2015 11:48

Two separate sets of questions to ask yourself.

One - was his violence towards you part of a more general problem - pub fights, arguments at work leading to being sacked etc? My understanding is that where it genuinely is an anger management problem there is a very very outside chance that he might, with intensive therapy, be fixable. If pn the other hand it is only directed at you then it's something he could have controlled but chose not to. In this scenario (by far the more common) I believe the general consensus among people working in the field is that the man can't reform.

Second, make a list of reasons why you want to give him a second chance. "But I love him" is not a good reason - you should be looking for what he can do for you. Then look hard at these reasons - how many are genuinely positive ones rather than simply expressions of your fears (I might never get a new man, I might not get a new man before I'm too old to have children, I can't afford to leave, the house is only in his name and I can't raise a deposit on a place of my own)? Also if it's a case of "well I've put up with the really badbits, wwouldn't it be a shame if I threw in the towel just before he turned things round?" then google 'sunk cost fallacy'.

Okay - I said two, but here's a third. Ask yourself how you'll feel the first time your adult daughter has a black eyw because all she's seen modelled through her childhood is this sort of behaviour being accepted. Ask yourself how you'll feel when you realise your adult son is hitting his wife. (I say this because one of the top "reasons" I've seen for staying in this situation is "but he's a great dad").

ptumbi · 11/10/2015 12:06

OP - you say he knows you will not hesitate to call 999. But when would you call? You start to minimise it - he's only shouting, I can't call for just shouting. Or he's 'just verbally abusive, or emotionally abusive', I can't call for that. It's just a push, a finger digging in, a scratch, a light tap, I can't call for that.... until he realises that in fact you won't call (unless it's a full blown thumping) - and at that point he can jsut carry on shouting, pinching, slapping. Because you won't call 999 for that.

What sort of life is that?

You say you 'love' him - an abusive, violent bully who will not stop. What is there to love? Have you read up on 'Stockholm syndrome'?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/10/2015 12:06

Unfortunately, there will always be this huge crack in your marriage. Fill it in as much as you want, it'll still be there.

People who hurt others only appear to be contrite when they have been caught and punished. I doubt its out of a realisation that he's hurt you, more a selfish one that his life better before.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 12:08

You don't mention if there are children involved.

kittybiscuits · 11/10/2015 12:09

OP I'm saying this in kindness. You are in denial.

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 12:15

He won't change - sorry. He isn't even remorseful.

You would spend your life waiting to dial 999. If you met a new bloke and knew he had done this to an ex you wouldn't go near him. So my advice is run like the wind away from this 'man'.

Original poster

LapisBlue · 11/10/2015 12:19

No children involved, no. We are both late 40s/early 50s.

I'm starting to see remorse, or at least I was when we met. He instigated contact. I'm really not in denial, I've thought long and hard about what I deserve and it certainly isn't abuse and violence.

OP posts:

summerwinterton · 11/10/2015 12:21

So you know you don't deserve this - so why stick around?

You need to do the Freedom Programme and you need to block him from communicating with you full stop. Why on earth are you even entertaining this? Would you advise a daughter or friend to go back to a violent man? There really is no excuse.

ouryve · 11/10/2015 12:24

In your shoes, I'd not want him to have an opportunity to try again. And fail.

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