Can a marriage ever be repaired after a conviction for assault?

[LapisBlue]

Just that, really.

He was convicted of common assault (on me) a few months ago. It was traumatic and I have been badly affected by it, as you can imagine. It took me ages to sleep properly and I still live in the house where "it" happened. We have been living apart but met up recently and have started tentatively communicating again.

He apologised and I could see a degree of remorse from him.

There MAY BE way back but he would need to attend an anti domestic violence programme. Is it possible to be together again knowing that I could never fully trust him? The programme I know of (for which he had an assessment before the assault happened) has a pretty good success ratio, although there are no guarantees.

Have any of you managed this? I do love him. I love him dearly but I'm not a piece of rubbish who's his emotional punchbag.

I guess I was wondering if anyone else out there has managed to reconcile and re-build trust successfully. I'm not sure.

With all due respect, this isn't about you regaining your trust in him. This is about him, and his escalating violence against you.

It never happens just once. There are only 2 scenarios here

1] He hits you again before you have a chance to start trusting him
2] He waits until he has your trust, and hits you again

#2] will happen time & again until you start believing that it is all because you didn't do X, or you did Y instead, or you did Z. When in reality, it is because he is abusive.

They [abusers] are very good at remorse.
Promising that it will never happen again.
Justifying the abuse "I had a bad at work/It's the drink/It's the drugs/I'm tired"

Blaming you "I didn't want to hurt you but you made me do it because ..."

You need to decide if you can live with more of what you have already lived through. Trust doesn't come into it, because you can't trust him. This is about whether you can withstand more of what you have recently experienced.

but I was there to listen to his initial phone call which pulled no punches (pardon the pun) about why he was calling them. He admitted everything.

And STILL assaulted you.

When we talk again it would be made VERY clear that I would not hesitate to dial 999 if I'm in the least bit frightened Do you really want to live that life though? Under the threat of being frightened enough to call the police. Every time he comes home form work, has a bad day, you disagree with him...

Add to which, by the time you have assessed the situation, now he knows your threat, the first thing he will block your access to is the phone

And then there is what ptumbi said to take into consideration.

You stand to live the rest of your life on eggshells because of him.

I've thought long and hard about what I deserve and it certainly isn't abuse and violence There's your answer. He is unlikely to change.

My STBXH showed plenty of remorse, until the next time.

I also told him that if he hit me again I'd call 999. He replied "You'd not get to the phone in time.".

I knew that was true.

Now it seems absurd that the threat to call 999 was even a part of our relationship,

OP, you can have a relationship where violence has no part. Don't negotiate this man's behaviour. Walk away. Start again. A new, fresh start.

I'm very happy now.

You would be a fool to go back there. There are other men who would never assault you. There is no reason to give this one another chance.

LapisBlue, please, please, for the love of God, get out of there.

I understand the complexity. I understand you've invested a lot in him (read up on the sunk costs fallacy, also known as throwing good money after bad - businesses have failed on the same principle). I understand he's probably not a violent shitbag all the time, that there could be good times too, that he may have been absolutely everything you needed and wanted when you first met. I understand you probably pity him, he has probably spent years telling you what a tragic hero and victim of circumstance he is.

But that is then, and this is now. Now, he has committed a criminal act of violence against you. He WILL NOT CHANGE. He will do it again. You will NEVER GET BACK those days when he was good to you - even then he was only priming you.

The fact you can ring 999 if you can get to the phone in time next time is no way to live, it is not an acceptable compromise.

The fact he instigated contact doesn't mean he's changed or he loves you. What do you mean, you're starting to see remorse? Remorse isn't supposed to be difficult to detect. He should be returning to you on his fucking knees begging forgiveness for the atrocity he committed against you...and you should slam the door in his face anyway.

I guarantee you that once you have gone, and cut him off, and lived untouched by his influence for a while, you will be stunned at how easy it is. You will not believe how easy it is. You will wonder what the hell you ever saw in him. And you will be happier than living with a violent criminal where your only consolation is that you might be able to contact the police or an ambulance in time if you need to.

You must be mad to even think about it. Why would you want to?

There are millions of men in the world, why fixate on one who hurt you badly.

You have nothing binding you to him. Nothing. You need to wake up and see sense!

I can see I'm going against the grain here but... some abusive men do change. What they are most likely to change is their use of physical and sexual violence. What they are less likely to change is their controlling ways (making decisions for you controlling the finances etc). This is a link to the most comprehensive longitudinal UK research on the topic. I should emphasise again that some men change - not all.

Those who change have usually completed a reputable programme (check if they are accredited by Respect - if not - ask why not) of at least six months duration and at no point has their attendance on the programme been dependent on any actions / responses from you.

Only you can know if he has changed enough for you to trust him again. Whatever you decide, prioritise you and your safety first. If it were me I would want a minimum of a year to pass before considering starting a relationship again by which time I would have almost certainly moved on.

As others have said here: HE WON'T CHANGE. It'll all be sweetness and light for a while and then ... you'll say or do something that flips his switch and BANG! Please don't let yourself be used as a punch-bag again.

This programme is indeed Respect accredited and last six months on a weekly basis. Even starting to communicate regularly would be dependent on him attending this, week after week after week and being forced to face what he's done its effects on me.

However, thank you all for your very valuable and wise advice. I've taken all of it on board.

Things may move on naturally anyway.

It is far too early to be talking about significant change. He has shown a trace of remorse, but since the assessment for the abuser programme he has assaulted the OP. Let's not get confused between what occasionally happens in the rarest of circumstances, and what might be happening here.

Some men change, some women marry Prince William.

Please don't go back. It is so easy for him to say the things you want to hear. It is also easy for him to keep up the act until he has you back where he wants you. Really changing, however is incredibly hard, and very very unlikely to happen. He is, and will remain the same man who hit you, and it will almost certainly happen again. You have done the hard bit and got out. It will be harder again next time.

I was in your shoes last year after being assaulted and after weeks of remorse, tears, claims of depression, mental health issues and him completing an anger management course I went back.
Partly for the children (who were devastated at the split) partly because lots of people told me I should give him another chance after one incident and being married so long, but modtly because he didnt give me room to breathe and think but overwhelmed me with phonecalls, visits, presents, emotional blackmail about the kids.
Anyway, sorry, my point is that I have now finally walked away for good, not because there was another incident, but because I cant live with waiting for one to happen. Whether it would or not I dont know but its very telling that as soon as he realised he couldnt change my mind this time, he became aggressive and threatening and very nasty so I was probably right.
No one can tell you what to do but from my experience I would say stay away. Best of luck whichever you decide x

Wot Sheba said upthread. PLEASE go back and read that.

It describes much more eloquently what i want to say. Please, please, please reread it. What would you say to an adult daughter in this position? In kindest, xx

I'm starting to see remorse, or at least I was when we met.

Most abusers and numerous other individuals can act out 'remorse' to get what they want without meaning a word they say.

He instigated contact.

How did he instigate contact? Was it through a third party or did he write to you expressing his 'remorse'? If he simply called you on the phone or turned up on your doorstep, or at a place where you habitually go, it suggests he has no shame and any tears of remorse he shed were of the crocodile variety.

I'm really not in denial, I've thought long and hard about what I deserve and it certainly isn't abuse and violence.

It seems to me that if you're considering reconciling with a man who has been convicted of assaulting you, you are in denial about the probability of him assaulting you again or of him engineering a situation whereby he calls the police and alleges that you've assaulted him.

"Some degree of remorse". What the hell does that mean? Only total and utter sorrowful and apologetic tearful and heartfelt remorse would even come close to cutting the mustard for me even talking to him again. "Some degree"? Nope

I have a family member who has been through a similar experience. They have reconciled and live together, in their case the violence was when he was drunk and he has stopped drinking completely. Whether it has been successful is a moot point - they sleep in separate rooms and she has told me she still has flashbacks to the incident when he hit her. The relationship is strained, both snap at each other and there isn't a close, caring feel about their marriage. But they are together and both seem to be trying to some extent. I suspect that the DCs are a big motivating factor for them, both as a reason to stay together and as a reason to try to make it work. I can see it's a long hard road for her though, and fwiw I think you should be very cautious about any reconciliation, and keep low expectations of how far damage can be fully mended.

For what it's worth I believe that people can change but only IF they want to, they understand the damage they have done

In my view, people who are capable of really understanding the damage they have done, don't tend to commit such a crime in the first place.

Saying you get it, and actually getting it, are also two different things.

I hope you can move on, OP, while he works on himself for his own sake.