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Original poster

Advice re my male Counsellor

47 replies

Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 22:42

I have been seeing a Psychotherapist for the past 6 weeks. I saw him last year for a few months also. I went to him for help with a lifelong eating disorder, alcohol issues and depression - he is helping me with my relationship problems too. I have made amazing progress. With his help and encouragement I given up alcohol completely - something i never thought I could do. Problem is .... I am developing feelings for him. He is older than me and not my usual type (at all). I don't know why I have these feelings for him but I do. He is a gentle and kind man who shows me such empathy and compassion - I feel he really cares about me. I know that's his job - and he is obviously doing it really well because the therapeutic process is working so well for me. I'm terrified he knows how I feel even though I try to keep my composure. He is nothing but professional and has not encouraged these romantic feelings from me whatsoever! Has anyone ever experienced anything similar ?

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 10/10/2015 22:51

This is actually very common! Can you tell him about it? It would be good to work through..

NotOneIota · 10/10/2015 22:51

It's quite common,OP, it's called transference. If you're brave enough,tell your therapist. He won't be fazed by it at all, and it could help your therapy, by uncovering any underlying issues such as dealing with power balances in relationships.

mrstweefromtweesville · 10/10/2015 22:53

Is he a Zen Christian? If so, he has form.

kittybiscuits · 10/10/2015 22:57

With respect, and sorry if you've had a bad experience mrstwee , there's nothing here to suggest that the counsellor has done anything at all inappropriate and it's very common for clients to feel this way towards counsellors.

kittybiscuits · 10/10/2015 22:58

And psychotherapists.

MakeItRain · 10/10/2015 22:58

Yes it's really common/ normal. Google "dealing with transference in therapy". Some useful articles on it. The main advice is to be open about it and talk it through. It's linked to your own emotions and worth exploring how/why you feel as you do.

Original poster
Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 23:21

Thanks everyone. I think I can potentially fall for anyone who shows any kind of interest/care for me, which must represent some underlying issue. However, I'm afraid to tell him incase to refers me to another therapist, or worse, refuses to see me in the future.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 10/10/2015 23:26

And those worries are just exactly why you need to tell him.

It happens not infrequently so don't worry.

ilovesooty · 10/10/2015 23:28

I concur with what's been posted so far except for the comment upthread from mrstwee. I don't think that's at all helpful.

GrammarTool · 10/10/2015 23:31

When I was seeing a psychiatrist regularly for anxiety and depression, I developed feelings for my female psychiatrist, even though I'm heterosexual. I was infatuated with her. I've since read that this is pretty normal.

Transference is central to the whole idea of psychotherapy, so I think it would be important for you to tell your therapist. If he does refuse to see you, then he is a pretty poor psychotherapist!!

Original poster
Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 23:34

And just to confirm, as Kitty said, my therapist has done absolutely nothing to warrant this. He is very professional, has never attempted to cross boundaries, no physical contact etc. He is a true gentleman. We have a very good connection, I think that's why my therapy has been so successful. He has truly saved my life.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/10/2015 23:36

Gabby, this is very common for therapists and as others have said it would be good to raise it with him. I have had it happen to me at work and when it does I would rather my client discussed it with me. Indeed sometimes I have been the one to tentatively raise it as it does impact the dynamics of the therapeutic relationship.

As NotOneIota has posted, it is helpful for addressing the client's real romantic relationships.

cozietoesie · 10/10/2015 23:41

Gabby

This therapy should be about you and not you and your therapist as some sort of couple. The 'connection' you mention is not critical to your own future. You have to tell him if you want to keep benefiting from it.

Original poster
Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 23:47

Thanks Dione. When we finished up last year he said he really enjoyed working with me and said he has never worked with a client like me before (I don't know what he meant by that, maybe he has never seen someone with so many issues!).

I know this will sound odd but I don't know if he would handle it well. He seems a very sensitive man, I could imagine him being mortified if I said this to him ... with me sitting there wishing the ground would swallow me up whole. I don't know if it's worth putting either of us in that position :(. It might spoil the great relationship we have - I would hate for that to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 23:58

Yes, I see your point Cozie, I understand the process is about me and its there to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gabby99 · 11/10/2015 00:04

I never realised psychotherapy is so powerful, it has truly changed my life. I suffered for years, since I was a teenager, I tried many other avenues and this is the only thing that has ever worked for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gabby99 · 11/10/2015 00:19

I have taken all your good advice on board and will attempt to bring it up with him (gulp). I realise the importance for me in this process - it has nothing to do with him. Thanks again, I appreciate all the input.

OP posts:
GinBunny · 11/10/2015 01:00

I've come back to this thread a couple of times and not commented, but think I ought to share my experience too. I fell head over heels for my therapist. I managed to get 4 weeks of therapy over what I should have had because he felt he could "help me". It didn't work and at the end of it I cried and cried and had panic attacks. I told DH it was because the therapy hadn't worked (it hadn't) but really it was also because I was so crushed at the thought of not seeing him again. Gabby speak to him, because I was left high and dry at the end of my therapy with no room to address it. Good luck Thanks

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2015 01:02

Good woman Gabby.Smile

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/10/2015 01:43

Gin, I am so sorry.Thanks

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 11/10/2015 05:21

Op, transference is so common that when I did an Introduction to Counselling course many years ago w covered it briefly then; on a 12 week course.

I developed feelings for a man who was very supportive when my dad died and I split up with my husband too.

I was on the receiving end of it once too. Trust me, it won't phase your therapist in the slightest. He certainly won't be mortified. In fact, he'll be half expecting it. Please don't worry.

It's fantastic to hear therapy is working so well for you! Flowers

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 07:42

It's completely usual to fall for the therapist! It could be argued we're there bcs we haven't had enough love [who has??] - and along this wonderful person comes who completely validates us and gives us kindness and space. Of course we're going to fall in love with them!

And as pp says, they cover this extensively in training. i'm not sure about his comment that 'he has never worked with anyone like you before'. That would concern me, I don't think it's an appropriate comment to make. Basically we are all wonderful and unique if only we get the space to be those things. He will have supervision where he will talk through any feelings he has about all his clients/sessions.

It's a combination of 'love' and hero worship - you say he's saved your life, you're going to be dazzled in love/gratitude/awe with him. I felt like that towards my son's cardiologist especially when I saw him in scrubs who had saved my boy's life. He became practically a god to me, I fell hook, line. I'm single so I'm particularly vulnerable bcs I'm not getting that kind of love in my daily life.

Do talk to him about it. Their training is extensive and nothing (feelings) is out of bounds - that is the whole point of therapy, everything is relevant. The more powerful a feeling, the more relevant.

Rockluvvindad · 11/10/2015 09:25

OP, to echo what some of the previous posters have already said, transference is a well known aspect of therapy. I trained as a psychodynamic counsellor for two years, and a huge part of it was in how to deal with this. Your therapist will be well versed in dealing with it, and you absolutely should tell him. If you do not, you will be placing an obstacle in the path of your healing.

He sounds like a good therapist. This will not phase him in any way, and I'm sure that he will have the tools to help you with this additional layer. In an extreme case it might be that he would refer you on to another known and trusted colleague, but this is not likely if you get it all out in the open and deal with it.

Also be prepared that when your "contract" begins to draw to a close, there should be some sessions on the ending of your therapeutic relationship with him. The longer you spend in the care of a given counsellor, the greater the likely sense of loss when you come to the end of that journey. It can be very damaging to simply cut it off. It needs careful preparation for separation to ensure that the client is not left feeling even more anxious ( Stability is key in counselling... You may have noticed that your appointment would be the same day and time every week, changes to it are not made lightly, and any changes are mentioned weeks in advance except in dire circumstances. This all helps to bring a sense of normality, stability and routine as well as a feeling of reliability.

Good luck. You've already made the hardest step. Just keep taking them one at a time :)

RLD.

Original poster
Gabby99 · 11/10/2015 10:05

Springy, I think the comment he made was complimentary. We have a good connection/relationship and we made very good progress, very quickly. We talked and talked. I opened up very quickly. I think he found me unusual ... I am a deep thinker, I don't connect with many people in RL e.g. I don't have any friends so I think he found me an intriguing/interesting client in many respects (?). I think what he was trying to say is that he has never had such success, so quickly with anyone else before.

Rock, I am already dreading the sessions coming to a close. I have become so attached :(

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mrstweefromtweesville · 11/10/2015 10:58

With respect, and sorry if you've had a bad experience mrstwee , there's nothing here to suggest that the counsellor has done anything at all inappropriate and it's very common for clients to feel this way towards counsellors

Keep your respect, I don't need it.
I have not had a bad experience, thank you, don't jump to conclusions.
Some counsellors do take advantage of vulnerable clients - the Zen Christian was one.
Pretending its all ok, without checking, isn't helpful.