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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice re my male Counsellor

47 replies

Gabby99 · 10/10/2015 22:42

I have been seeing a Psychotherapist for the past 6 weeks. I saw him last year for a few months also. I went to him for help with a lifelong eating disorder, alcohol issues and depression - he is helping me with my relationship problems too. I have made amazing progress. With his help and encouragement I given up alcohol completely - something i never thought I could do. Problem is .... I am developing feelings for him. He is older than me and not my usual type (at all). I don't know why I have these feelings for him but I do. He is a gentle and kind man who shows me such empathy and compassion - I feel he really cares about me. I know that's his job - and he is obviously doing it really well because the therapeutic process is working so well for me. I'm terrified he knows how I feel even though I try to keep my composure. He is nothing but professional and has not encouraged these romantic feelings from me whatsoever! Has anyone ever experienced anything similar ?

OP posts:

hairbrushbedhair · 11/10/2015 11:16

Keep your respect, I don't need it.
I have not had a bad experience, thank you, don't jump to conclusions.
Some* counsellors do take advantage of vulnerable clients - the Zen Christian was one.
Pretending its all ok, without checking, isn't helpful.*

That does suggest you have had a bad experience or possibly someone you know has

However there was nothing in the OP to suggest the OPs counsellor was taking advantage

Which is why you are being perceived as hypersensitive in your assumptions, had you simply asked OP if there was anything that was crossing boundaries in his practice then this assumption would not be made

But you simply suggested her counsellor was possibly "the zen Christian one" for no logical reason to any other reader

Rockluvvindad · 11/10/2015 11:21

It's normal to have that feeling Gabby, so don't feel that you're alone in having them. Just acknowledge those feelings. They are something that can be worked on in the session too. He's your anchor at the moment when all else has seemed to be confusion and challenges. He'll help you realise that you don't need him as an anchor, but that you have the capacity to take control. It sounds like you've already come a long way, so I think you're right, and his comments were complimentary. It feels good for any of us to know that your work has had a positive effect, so imagine how great it feels as a counsellor to see that one of your clients has really made a difference to her life with your help.

One thing that always stuck with me from learning and personal experiences of going through therapy. Deal in immediacy. If you feel something, say it. Those sessions are a safe place for you to acknowledge anything you feel without fear of judgement. Feels great to get stuff out that you've been holding in.

You know you want to make positive changes in your life, and you're making them. There will be little speedbumps, but so long as you keep your determination to change, then you'll make it, and it will feel fantastic, because it's all your own work ! You'll look back and realise that it wasn't him that changed things. He enabled you to. :)

RLD.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 11/10/2015 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 13:18

That zen christian, by the sound of it. If she's been abused by a therapist then it's not surprising she 'jumps down people's throats' (though that's not how I saw it) if she hears of a dynamic that could mirror her experiences.

No, I don't think him telling you he has never met anyone like you is wise. Of course it's complimentary, that's the reason it concerns me as it rather singles you out as 'better' than most in his opinion. This is quite a seductive thing to say when one is exposed in therapy and need boundaries to be absolutely safe.

Just saying! I would be concerned to highlight this comment in your sessions in future.

mrstweefromtweesville · 11/10/2015 13:53

when they respond sensitively and generously
Not so.

He didn't abuse me, springdaffs, but he had abused someone I knew quite well. I'm surprised everyone seems to know him! It makes me think there must be more than one.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2015 14:19

Dealing with the ending of a therapeutic relationship and any attachment issues must be done sensitively and carefully. You do need to discuss your feelings with him.
I'm still confused by the posts of mrstwee and I don't think they're helping the OP.

hairbrushbedhair · 11/10/2015 14:21

This zen Christian counsellor business is rather confusing

I would assume there are hundreds if not thousands of counsellors out there to choose from

And some of those will be zen Christians

The probability of there being only one zen Christian counsellor and that the OP has discovered the one you know of is fairly remote unless you know the OP IRL and there's some backstory to your posts

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 14:45

Is it me or is there a hijack in here

mrstweefromtweesville · 11/10/2015 14:53

well not from me!

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 11/10/2015 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Gabby99 · 11/10/2015 17:51

The Zen Christian comment was lost on me I don't know what it is in reference to or how it relates to my situation, so I just ignored it.

I welcome all the other opinions. To hear this isn't unusual is a great help. I have been reading about transference all day ... I had never heard of it. I have also been reading articles on counter-transference . Once again, I had never heard of it.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 11/10/2015 19:07

I just ignored it

Good.

I'm glad you found the other responses helpful and that your reading is enlightening. Hope you get this sorted out with your therapist.

eternallflame · 11/10/2015 19:48

I am currently experiencing exactly the same things re my own therapist. I expect to have a conversation with her about it this week. I am male btw.

springydaffs · 11/10/2015 21:23

I specifically avoid seeing a therapist of the opposite sex for exactly this reason. I've enough to be geting on with without all that lol.

cozietoesie · 11/10/2015 23:06

I appreciated Rock's post, in particular the para that went:

...One thing that always stuck with me from learning and personal experiences of going through therapy. Deal in immediacy. If you feel something, say it. Those sessions are a safe place for you to acknowledge anything you feel without fear of judgement. Feels great to get stuff out that you've been holding in...

That 'immediacy' sentiment rang very powerfully to me.

I think that talking about it this week will be useful for you, eternal.

Original poster

Gabby99 · 12/10/2015 00:30

eternal I hope your session goes well for you. I'd be interested to how it was received, if you feel like sharing.

OP posts:

eternallflame · 12/10/2015 03:32

I am really worried about saying it. But last week I was sort of told I was missing out ( from the benefit of the therapy I guess) by being too restrained. I now feel a certain responsibility to people on here to acknowledge it though.

cozietoesie · 12/10/2015 17:11

No need to feel any sort of responsibility to people on here, eternal. Do what's right for yourself.

ForChina · 12/10/2015 23:05

I think one thing you need to be cautious of, OP, is building this up in your head to be more than it is. Instead, you should be normalising this and talking it down again (to where it really is). Your posts about how you have such a good 'connection' and you have great conversations - 'we talked and talked' and you refer to yourselves as having a great relationship. Can you not hear the infatuation talking there? You are just one of his many clients and you do not have a relationship outwith a professional one.

I'm not saying this to be unkind but because you have asked for help. You are still spinning around in a fantasy about what is actually between you two. You have clearly thought about that one comment he made a lot and you know it was probably a bit of a throwaway remark in the middle of a lot of other stuff, a kind of 'you're an interesting case' comment which taken out of context sounds a lot more personal than it was meant to. Please try to take a step back and understand that this is a) not real and b) normal.

Original poster

Gabby99 · 13/10/2015 06:56

ForChina I hear what you are saying and I know it makes sense. I clearly have issues with attachment e.g. falling for anyone who pays me attention. As the others have said he will be trained to deal with that and work through it with me hopefully.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 13/10/2015 07:39

Blimey, you're far from the only one! Tis why therapists need to be careful - the majority of us are putty in the face of attention, validation, connection.

onlyfairychasing · 15/10/2015 16:40

I adore my male counsellor. I've been seeing him for 3.5 yrs. It's not a romantic thing, but could get how that could happen. For me I find myself jealous of his kids at times, wishing I was part of his family. So sort of similar.

I believe it's fairly normal to form attachment. Telling him may be hard, but it may help too?

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