How to tell her she's a grandmother to an 8mo?

[Atlantis90]

Hi I'm in need of a bit of help! I have an 8mo and his father has nothing to do with him (his choice) and has never even asked how he is. I work to support my son and it can be a struggle but I'm blessed to have him and we get by. My ex lives with his mum and stepdad (he moved back in with them as soon as I told him I was pregnant after two years together). He doesn't work or claim benefits to avoid paying anything. I'm more bothered about the lack of contact though as my son will miss out.

My ex's family don't even know my son exists. I've been thinking about it a lot and I would want to know if I had a grandson and I'm sure his mum would. We never met but I looked her up and found an address. I'm thinking of sending a letter with some pictures. Do you wise people think it's a good idea? Would you want to know? Any advice on what to write? Thanks a lot!

My mate has a DS and the dad has no contact. However his mum is very close with the DS, regular contact etc

Pantone that's really nice that he has a good relationship with his grandma

If you are happy now, I would leave well alone. You do not have much to gain from contact with them, but you do have a huge amount to lose.

Potential hornets nest.
If the child's father cba to even ask after his son and didn't tell his mother that you were pregnant then I definitely wouldn't want him around.
Ok, she's missing out but she can't miss what she doesn't know about.

You could end up with her forcing your ex to go for access and all the grief that could cause - DS definitely doesn't deserve a disinterested father, better off without him.

I haven't read the full thread.

But I will just say, my father's parent's had both died before I was born. I had fantastic grandparents on my mother's side, and aside from wishing my paternal grandparents had lived longer for their own sakes, I don't feel I missed out at all.

I think you shouldn't contact his mum. I think that it's his responsibility and job to involve them. If he doesn't then your son won't miss what he hasn't ever had.

I suppose she can't miss what she doesn't know Nonnainglese. And I am scared of that happening.

Ahhhhhh it's all so difficult!

I agree Atlantis. As a GM I wonder how I would have felt, not knowing? It's very difficult for you, could you just send a photo to the father and gauge his reaction? If you hear nothing then let it go?

I sent a newborn one and one at 3 months with no reaction. I asked if he wanted me to send more and he just said no.

My dad was a knobber and left my ma high and dry with me as a babe in arms. However I had a good and loving relationship with my grandma until she sadly died when I was 10/11.

My dds gran also has a good relationship with her although she doesn't speak to her ds, my dds father.

So family is a funny thing.

I would maybe write to them explaining that you are happy to respect your ex choice to not be involved you would like them to at least know of his existence. I would give them a mobile telephone number rather than an address and arrange if they want to meet, to meet somewhere neutral. That way you are still staying in control of the situation.

As a grandma I would be devastated to find I had a grandchild I did not know but also angry I had given birth to a man who would not look after his child. Maybe leave it a while but gather as much information as you can for your son because he will definitely have questions when he grows up. ( I was in the same situation so I know). Maybe as PP said a formal maintenance application will prompt him to tell parents?

Bimandbam that's a good idea. As they're quite a drive I thought of meeting somewhere halfway if it came to that.

Please be careful. Think about the fact that you/your child could be rejected without hand - as a PP said: how do you know, that she doesn't already know about your child?

My DD (19) had no contact with her biological father, but for the first 8 years of her life she had a relationship with his parents and siblings. When she was 8, she told them - on a pre-arranged visit, on the doorstep, as soon as she'd arrived, that she wanted nothing more to do with them. As the years have gone by, she's admitted that they ignored her as soon as my father left her with them, they left her in the somewhat dubious care of her then 12 year old uncle whilst they entertained guests, they fed her food which they knew she was allergic to (Snickers bars when she has an allergy to peanuts, and peanut butter sandwiches... just before she was brought home: I have my suspicions that they wanted me to get the blame if she died, when - as much as I love peanuts and peanut butter - any products, or by-products containing them do not cross our threshold and haven't since discovering my DD was allergic). They also threatened me with going for custody of her (which she still knows nothing about, and hopefully, I will never have to tell her about!). When she started college - she ended up taking a restraining order out against them, as - as soon as she turned 18 - they started to hound her to resume contact. They vaguely knew one of the girls on her course, and convinced her to tell them all about how my DD was doing. They sent her post with huge wads of money in - and then, when she sent it back to them, telling them that she wasn't interested and couldn't be bribed into having a relationship with them, they blamed me for it. That, in itself, scared me. We'd moved since she stopped all contact - but still they knew where we lived! There was DV involved in my relationship with her biological father.

Her biological father, meanwhile, has apparently married, had other children, declined to tell either wife or children about my DD, and has no interest in her whatsoever. He's certainly never paid any maintenance and he's not on her birth certificate. I was running for my life when I left.

His parents have made my DD's life a living hell. She cannot walk through our small town without fear of bumping into them. She cannot go to work without a niggle at the back of her mind that they might turn up to dine at the restaurant - and she'll have them in her section. And it is a genuine fear which she is now undergoing counselling for. She rejected them... but with good reason from the little I've been able to gather over the years.

If your DC's own father wants nothing to do with them... then leave it. You really do not know the can of worms you could be opening.

It's not about the grandparents missing them atlantis it's about your son having the opportunity to know his grandparents. If they never know because son has denied in his mind you exist that would be so sad. Imagine it happening to your son? Would you want to know? In the future when he is filling in medical questionares he will feel it. When he does the family tree at school he will feel it.

Men are funny creatures sometimes, my bil has recently left my sil, and really stopped contact with his grown up children. They seem to be able to move on so much easier.

My grandparents were prevented from having a relationship with our cousin by my uncle who forbid them. It broke their hearts.

OP, have you asked your ex if his mum knows?

Yes I've asked him if any of his friends or family know and he said "no why would tell them'.

Contrary13 - your poor dd. This is what I'm scared of. It must have been awful for you both. They live a couple of hours away though so hopefully it might be easy to cut contact if it came to that.

Headofthehive - of course I would want to know, that is why I am writing this post. I am not preventing anything, my ex is. I have tried and tried to get him involved but he doesn'twant to and I can't force him. I know full well what my son is missing out on and you wouldn't believe how guilty I feel. But as I said I can't force my ex. I don't have a number for his mum. Just a possible address I looked up. Please don't make me feel more guilty than I already do for him leaving.

It's all quite skewed by the fact that you've never met her imo.

Also perhaps hard not to wonder why your ex is so morally bankrupt!

Could all be down to his dad of course, but you don't know that.

Is there any way to find out what she's like?

I'm not sure. I know his brother has a son whom he sees even though he isn't with the mother but he still lives at home at the age of 30. My ex used to always say she nagged him etc but I think that was with regards to getting a job and being rubbish with money!

Raffles that sounds terrible for you. Yes leaving it for my son to decide is probably a wise move actually! Ugh I would hate for him to think I wanted him back even for one second!

The mere thought of it makes my skin crawl!
Haha I'm sure Christmas is a lot cheaper! Thanks a lot for all your advice

Oh I am sorry atlantis I didn't mean to make you feel guilty in any way. There is no guilt on your part. You have not done anything wrong. Even if you choose not to tell his mum, I don't think it would be wrong as such. I was thinking more what might be best for the long term, and what might generate the most happiness for your son, long term. Of course I don't know. When he is an adult he might try and find them himself...would it be better to put the feelers out now?

I sometimes watch the programme on TV about reuniting long lost adoptive children, and I am struck with the need to know, not just your mum, but dad, and extended family. It does seem to close a gap, but I do recognise there can be problems too.

Your ex sounds awful, but his family may or may not be. What a situation!

You sound like a very caring thoughtful mum, and I am sure you will make the best decision for you and your son.

If your ex is not interested then don't push - you are only exposing yourself to anguish that you don't need. Fwiw - I left my violent and emotionally abusive ex when DS was a v little baby. He said e wanted nothing to do with either of us an as he was self-employed he fiddled the books so he didn't have to pay maintenance. 13 years later he has never paid more than £10 a month, which frankly was an insult as he lives in a huge house and has a very lavish lifestyle. DS contacted him about a year ago and it quickly went from relatively mild emails to my ex sending scarily anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic messages. DS, eho has friends from pretty much all possible backgrounds was completely horrified and sent some pretty punchy messages back before blocking all contact. He is now happy to have nothing to do with his father. I guided DS in a very neutral way an let him come to his own decision. No doubt he and his older half brother (they are v close) will tip up on their fathers doorstep at some point and demand some answers, but that will not be for a long time to come.
Just ensure that your child is emotionally secure in the family that she has got and answer any questions in an age appropriate way as they arise. There is no point forcing your ex to do something he is not prepared to do.

Apologies for typos! Am in the bath and have sausage thumbs!!

I would stay leave well, well alone.

Your ex sounds like a piece of work (ignoring his child, fiddling things to avoid paying for his child, not supporting you in any way, not admitting to his parents he has a child). TBH, I would view him as having a very poor upbringing to behave like this.

His mother might be a pleasant woman with the potential to be a doting grandparent. But she could equally be a "my son first" type person who sees nothing wrong in what her son has done, will not help you, only try to force access.

What if she pesters her son to start taking your child every other weekend? What if she says she will support him to do so? But of course he might not step up, so the chances are your baby / toddler / child will be shuttled over to her house for her to do her best with them, whilst her son continues in his denial.

If you are managing fine, keep the status quo. You risk too much by contacting her.