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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do I say no to him?

36 replies

LalaDipsey · 10/10/2015 18:26

Ok, STBXH left about 2.5yrs ago. We have a 6yr old dd and 3yr old twins. He wasn't very nice. If you met him you'd think he was gorgeous, a charmer and a Disney dad but he wasn't. He was never abysmally awful. Never smacked us around but he touched on the edges of violence really. He was violent to dts once. He would never consider himself abusive at all and I think would be really hurt if it was suggested. He was pretty controlling - not to the extent of stopping me going out/monitoring my calls. More to the finding something small wrong every time I cooked, not wanting me on the phone, calling me messy, finding something wrong with the way my hair was, the way I'd washed up, not letting me have extra money for anything. The small things really. I didn't want to upset him. So I tried hard not to.
Anyway the divorce has now started, we're about 6 months in from me filing. We've exchanged financials and his was a joke (he got several things wrong). Anyway, now he's had to see a solicitor he's realising the cost and he doesn't want to keep spending money on solicitors. My solicitor says I should get most of the house because there's 4 of us versus one of him so the equity should be split like that. Today STBXH said he isn't bothered about pensions etc and the bits and bobs but he wants 50% of the equity. He wants us to sort it out ourselves rather than through the solicitors to save the money.
I can't stand up to him. I can't say that I want more than 50%. I can't say that. I have wanted my solicitor to do all the confronting for me as I can't confront STBXH. How do I? I am honestly a strong woman but I can't. I go absolutely frozen at the thought of confronting him. I feel sick now several hours later, more at my utter incompetence than anything. He keeps saying how he's telling his solicitor that he and I talk and it's all nice and we can sort it out. He doesn't know he's manipulative. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle him.
Please don't tell me to 'man up'. I need practical advice. Please

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 10/10/2015 18:30

At a wild guess I'd say he knows exactly how manipulative he is and how he frightens you. That's why he wants to sort the financial side out without lawyers. So he can shaft you.

Leave it to your lawyer, don't enter into direct negotiations with him.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2015 18:31

I would just say 'sorry but in the interests of the children my solicitor is dealing with it' and repeat. Keep everything by email. Of course he is being nice he wants to shaft you.
If the shoe was on the other foot would he be accepting and nice? I doubt it. You can do this and you should. Big fat hug!

pocketsaviour · 10/10/2015 18:33

Well he sounds a prize bully, well done for getting rid of him and filing for divorce

Do you have to speak to him at all? Can you let your solicitor do all the communication for you? Or are you stuck with some level of communication re contact with the DCs?

I think a call to Womens Aid might help you - you can call them any time on 0808 2000 247. It's usually easier to get through in the evenings. Make no mistake this man has been and still is abusive. I don't think anyone here will tell you to woman up, a lot of us have experience with men of this sort and we know how frightening it is to deal with them.

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2015 18:33

^^ this. let the legal people deal with it dont try and negotiate with him

Cabrinha · 10/10/2015 18:35

Accept that right now, it's still really hard for you to say a direct no.
Find a line you can practise saying.
Say it EVERY day. Multiple times a day. Imagine him saying different things and each time you coming back with the same.

It might be "fuck off, I've got the measure if you, you bullying arsehole"

But it might be "it's great we're keeping things amicable and can talk, that's best for the kids. I think the best way to keep the divorce process amicable is to keep the emotion out of it by letting the solicitors handle it, they're used to working out how things should be done fairly".

OK, that's a bit long! But work out a "I'm leaving it to the solicitor" line, and say it over and over again.

It might be worth speaking to Women's Aid or a counsellor about assertiveness around him. But that will take time, so get your smily helpful "let's just leave it to the solicitors" response polished.

Original poster

LalaDipsey · 10/10/2015 18:35

Yes we are stuck in communication because of DC. He comes once a week or so for 1.5-2hrs to see the children so it's a very weird scenario when he's here as its all 'lovely ' for the children. Yes maybe I should call WA again just to see if there is anything I should say. If I tell him I want the solicitors to deal with it he'll be unhappy and something stupid kicks in with me that I don't want to make him unhappy.

OP posts:

Original poster

LalaDipsey · 10/10/2015 18:36

Cabrinha I like that. I think I could practice that.

OP posts:

Hippychickster · 10/10/2015 18:39

Somewhere inside you, you need to try and find some strength. Tell your solicitor to deal with it or whatever you have to do. I know how you feel. I couldn't say no to my ex and we split the house 50-50 without solicitors. Forward a few years and he paid me barely anything for 2 children and had paid his new mortgage off. I on the other hand had the children to bring up alone and a huge mortgage. It's a long time ago now and things are very different but I regretted that for many years. Please don't give in to him. When I told a solicitor what we'd done, she closed her eyes, sighed and said 'equity is never equal when there are children involved'. Best best luck, you will thank yourself one day.

Bellemere · 10/10/2015 18:40

He doesn't need to use a solicitor but he no longer has a say in what you do and that includes whether you use a solicitor or not. If he brings it up, just say "Please can you contact my solicitor", "I'd rather keep the legal things through the solicitor". Stuff like that.

If it's been 6 months, it's probably worth thinking about getting the contact out of the family home, too. That's not a good long term plan for anyone.

Original poster

LalaDipsey · 10/10/2015 18:43

That's true - he doesn't have to use a solicitor but I can choose to. That's very true. I don't like feeling responsible for his unhappiness - I tried to keep him 'happy' for so long. Contact has to be here. It works even though it doesn't as this way he doesn't take the children and I know they're all ok.

OP posts:

sodabreadjam · 10/10/2015 18:46

You may be keeping things "friendly" for the sake of the DCs but he is not your friend. He is out to shaft you financially - just as he walked all over you when you were together.

Do not spend any time in his company. Do not be pressured by him into agreeing to anything financial.

Keep repeating - your solicitor is handling things.

Your STBXH's happiness is not your responsibility.

Galvanised · 10/10/2015 18:53

Lala, I remember your thread, please keep posting when you feel like wavering, and don't think about giving up your legal advice. He will screw you over.
Is there anyway you could arrange contact out of your house? You need space, mentally, to detach properly.
He still has you wrapped around his little finger. Do not give up your solicitor, he can represent himself if he wants.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/10/2015 18:56

"He comes once a week or so for 1.5-2hrs to see the children so it's a very weird scenario when he's here as its all 'lovely ' for the children"

By that, do we take this to mean he comes into your home to see the children? If so, that stops right now! He chose to fuck off, so he stays fucked off. He picks them up on the doorstep and then takes them out. That's it.

Have your solicitor tell him that visits need to carried out elsewhere. The only direct communication between you should be about times etcetera regarding the children and that will be by text or email. Absolutely nothing else.

The less contact you have with him, the less power he has over you.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2015 18:58

The other posters are right you need to move contact on and away from you and the house. When he arranges next tell him you have plans but will have them ready for two (for example) even if its just for a couple of hours....

RandomMess · 10/10/2015 19:02

As he only sees the dc for a few hours get him to take them out for a meal instead of being in your home. The boundaries are way too blurred for you to cope.

Another thing to say when he mentions the financials tell he has to put it in writing, that you won't discuss it. Then you can liaise with your solicitor and if need be write back EVERY time "I have spoken with my solicitor and the say x y z"

Galvanised · 10/10/2015 19:08

Didn't he have drinking problem? Is this why he has been seeing the children in your house? There must be some better way.

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 20:11

I really do know what you mean about the fear.

I take it he's having access in your house so you can keep an eye on him. That you wouldn't trust him to take them out of your sight. Ach, that's such a difficult situation to be in.

Try to keep it light, just say words to the effect you're going to carry on using your solicitor and he can talk to them. In fact you could even make out in future it's the solicitors driving all the decisions - you could act a bit kind of blond and slightly not sure what's going on? I don't know if that would work for you. Just trying to think of a way you can get around this.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If you haven't you really MUST. It will help so much with your confidence and you'll get a lot off support and camaraderie from the other woman. I did the course a number of times bcs I also felt the same level of fear which is why I recognise it in you.

Keep going lovely, you're in the home strait now. Bravo!

Original poster

LalaDipsey · 10/10/2015 21:19

Springy - that's absolutely it. When he's here with them I can keep an eye on them and it's all ok. That is the better option, in my opinion.
Yes, he has a drinking problem, he doesn't drink in the day but drinks too much at night and can be a nightmare drunk and hungover person.
I have done th freedom programme, coming up to 3 years ago now (gosh!). I found it invaluable at the time and really validating, well worth doing. I still don't know how to be with him though.
Ok, thanks loads for the advice to keep passing it back to the solicitors, and even playing the dumb card, I think that's my best bet at the moment, and he can cease his legal support if he chooses too.

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 10/10/2015 21:27

When he left your children were very young but it's been 2.5 yrs they are older now so could you wean him off spending so much time at your home ie with you.
This would lessen your interaction and give him less chance to influence you.
Could he take them out for the day instead?
Then when you do speak you could just say how you prefer the keep the nitty gritty between the solicitors.

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 21:39

Is there anyone who could take your place during contact? Or contact at somebody else's house would be better.

I went around and around with the FP. Then did it again a while later. It's just good to be in that environment, with ppl who know what it's like.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2015 21:41

Hungover or not he could take them to the park. You have to at some point seperate the need for him to be in the house- it's almost co dependent. He doesn't step up as you are there and you can't step away.

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 21:43

No wannabe. She has him there bcs she doesn't trust him alone with the children.

Bellemere · 10/10/2015 21:58

That's not a long term solution though

Galvanised · 10/10/2015 22:04

I wonder if there was anyone else who could be in the house while he was there, at least for some of the access visits.
Just something to help show that the 5 of you are no longer a 'family unit'? I think that while it is just the 5 of you in the home you all shared together, it is hard not to slip back into the way things were. What do you think? Would you trust him taking one of the children at a time out of the house, on Saturday/Sunday mornings perhaps?
It's not your responsibility to maintain the relationship with their father, nor to prove to the children that he really does care. That's his job.
I really think that you are giving him a lot of control with the set up the way it is.

wannabestressfree · 10/10/2015 22:15

If she doesn't trust him it needs to move on. I completely agree with galvanised he needs to sort himself out and now is the time to start putting much needed boundaries in....

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