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Original poster

It terrifies me how nice he is

30 replies

bridie69 · 10/10/2015 07:41

Hi all
I feel so weird writing this. I'm a widow and had a very happy marriage until DH left this world 8 years ago. I have rebuilt my life since and had absolutely no need of a relationship. I saw many friends marriages collapse in the meantime and others suffer abuse etc from awful men. I felt and honestly feel grateful to not have need of a man. I met someone recently while abroad. He invited me to visit him in Ireland which I've now done twice and had lovely times. He isn't keen on moving to London as he says he found people were racist towards him when he lived here as a young man but he has made it clear he would like to develop things with me. We also agreed to talk a lot. He is visiting this weekend but stays with his friend so I still have my space. He is the kindest most loving,intelligent refined man, pretty successful , well liked etc. I really cannot fathom how he stayed single. I, and I know this sounds bad, find it hard to take on board how nice he is, how considerate. He hasn't laid a finger on me apart from some very lovely kisses which has kind of got me wondering too iyswim..Thoughts?

OP posts:
Orangeisthenewbanana · 10/10/2015 07:51

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I think just keep doing what you're doing and see how things continue to develop. You can take things at the pace you feel comfortable with.

With regards to his niceness, some men happily just are! Is there anything he's said/done to give you concerns? Or is it maybe your confidence/self esteem that is understandably a bit wobbly around dating again after so long? Give him a chance, and just see what happens. Good luck!

Savagebeauty · 10/10/2015 07:52

Oh enjoy him!!!
He sounds wonderful.

PurpleWithRed · 10/10/2015 07:54

Some men are absolutely wonderful - my DH is. You've nothing to lose by taking this relationship forwards and seeing how it develops. Good luck!

Original poster
bridie69 · 10/10/2015 07:56

Oh that sounds really encouraging thanks. Do you think it is a bit unusual he hasn't even raised the physical side yet? He is quite shy as well.

OP posts:
RitaConnors · 10/10/2015 07:57

I think it's wise to be cautious when you start any relationship.

I fell in love with my dh as he was kind in small ways, as opposed to big grand gestures. He always talks kindly of others for example.

He doesn't get frustrated with me. When we started going out with each other I needed the loo on the tube as I hadn't gone before we left and he just said 'lets get off here and find a pub' and we did and then we got back on the next train.

I would have said 'for god's sake, why didn't you go before we left?'

hauntedbytheghost · 10/10/2015 09:26

What do you mean by the last part? What has it got you wondering?

squidzin · 10/10/2015 10:33

bridie, not really. Maybe he's being cautious because he know's your widowed (Flowers) and is simply enjoying your company. Some men are not sex pests!
I remember I had to make the first move very clearly with dp. He was overjoyed and I am glad he was a gentleman.

Original poster
bridie69 · 10/10/2015 13:31

Well I feel a bit strange admitting it now but I was kind of wondering if he really is 100% straight.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 10/10/2015 13:41

I wouldn't over think things, or you'll maybe ruin it. Just go with the flow! He sounds charming. :-)

DarkNavyBlue · 10/10/2015 13:47

You've visited him twice and there's just been a few kisses? That does seem a bit odd.

Thefuckinggrinch · 10/10/2015 13:49

Not all men want to start a physical relationship immediately. He may simply be taking things slowly due to your background. If you are worried about it why not talk to him? Or initiate some physical contact you are comfortable with and see what happens?

Anastasie · 10/10/2015 13:53

The way you are posting on here makes me wonder if there is something about him you don't quite trust.

You don't sound to be in love. You sound like you ought to be grateful. But hinting that he wants you to move countries to be with him is a bit worrying. You barely know the guy, you would have no support system if anything went wrong or he started to be abusive for example.

People are usually very well behaved during the initial phase of a relationship. You really need to get to know him properly as a friend, I mean nothing physical, maybe a peck here and there or holding hands. Nothing more till you really do know him for I would say at least 6 months if not more.

I firmly believe that relationships should start off as friendships or being colleagues or something like that for quite a while until you really know someone inside out. That's coming from someone who has got it wrong a few times though.

Just be careful, Ok? x

Anastasie · 10/10/2015 13:55

Oh by the way. What does he say about his past relationships (or lack of)?

This is critical. If he won't discuss it, then finish it and move on. If he says his last wife/girlfriend etc was crazy/a stalker/anything negative, don't pursue it.

Has he said anything at all?

mrstweefromtweesville · 10/10/2015 13:57

moments of happiness. every one is precious. enjoy, don't rush ahead. say, 'we'll see'.

MouldyPeach · 10/10/2015 14:00

I don't think it's weird at all that all you've progressed to in two visits is kissing. He respects you and it is sad that it seems weird to most people.
My dp and I didn't get physical for a month or so even though I insisted! We waited and it was the best thing to do now I look back. Can't keep our hands of each other now days.
Some people just want to wait until they feel confident and that is fine!

Kr1stina · 10/10/2015 14:04

How old is he ? Have you asked him about past relationships ?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/10/2015 14:11

Are you thinking there could be a sexual issue?

Original poster
bridie69 · 10/10/2015 16:52

I'm not sure quite what was meant by a sexual issue. He is 42 and had had relationships. I believe the last one was ended by the other person who wanted to relocate abroad. He isn't totally against the idea of the UK just not London. I think outside M25 would be ok for him. Anyway he is not asking me to move there, and yes getting to know each other is a priority. I need to be somewhat discreet but he did have a very very strict Catholic upbringing and was involved quite heavily in his 20s . This would have precluded relationships until his 30s when in his words he "saw the light". He won't set foot in a Catholic church now because of the sex abuse scandals.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/10/2015 17:05

Well I was thinking maybe impotence

springydaffs · 10/10/2015 17:45

Armani!

I know what you mean op about not being able to see the seams. A kind of too good to be true feeling? I've been out of the game for a while and I'd also be a bit nervous if I met someone who was, well, perfect... Confused

If he was up to his neck in Catholicism well into his 20s then I venture to suggest he may have some hangups about sex. Or, at least, DTD. All that catholic guilt - gruesome.

But look, you've only just meet him! You shouldn't be thinking yet about 'where you'd live' - wait up! You have no idea how this is going to go yet! Slow down, lovely; enjoy your friendship, see how it unfolds. I perfectly appreciate how nervous you are - I would be too! - but try to lean back and relax and see what happens.

Original poster
bridie69 · 11/10/2015 08:24

We spent a lovely afternoon together yesterday. I am really enjoying getting to know him. He opened up a bit as we went for a long walk near the village where he is staying. He said it was hard for him to start relationships in his 30s after he left the church. He also told me he didn't think he was attractive( I do not know how he possibly thought that, he is lovely& handsome) and had had therapy for shyness. Anyway I am understanding a lot better now. He said he would really like to get to know me better. We are going to go away to Spain for a weekend in November. He is staying with a female friend here but I don't think anything is going on, I spoke to her on the phone and she sounds lovely and says she is looking forward to meeting me. So on we go. Oh yes we had a bloody beautiful snog or ten on our walk and over tea after....

OP posts:
Disorderedthought · 11/10/2015 10:32

I married someone almost exactly like this. Although my DH didn't have any relationship history which concerned me (at the age of 38)
He wasn't at all pushy about the physical side either to the point where I did wonder about his heterosexuality (as had his friends!) We had a long chat and he was painfully shy when it came to relationships. He has made the most fantastic husband and father in every way possible. And our sex life is pretty awesome??

MatildaTheCat · 11/10/2015 10:39

He sounds wonderful.

One thought occurs to me. There is, on the whole, less racism in the London area than many most parts of the UK. I think his views are out of date. Not saying he would wish to relocate but if he did then I wouldn't use that issue as a guide to where to live.

Very best wishes to you both.

Tram10 · 11/10/2015 10:43

If he was in the priesthood for the main part of his adult life, than it is understandable that he may be waiting a while to see where the relationship is going before allowing it to become physical. It is also reasonable to question if he may be gay, a lot of Irish male homosexuals joined the priesthood to avoid being outed as gay.

Enjoy it for what is is and see where it goes from here, and enjoy your weekend in Spain.

DarkNavyBlue · 11/10/2015 11:14

I would be wary of getting to know someone too well before sex. There is the danger of getting too emotionally invested and then discovering that the has 'issues'.

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