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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting back together -

44 replies

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 15:40

I had a FWB arrangement for a few weeks with someone and called it to a halt because I was getting emotionally involved and wasn't happy with the situation but now he wants to talk to me about which bits I wasn't happy with and change them so I am happy.

I'm confused. He's a good person. I know he likes me. It, is not a normal FWB arrangement in that we are exclusive, we have dates,we make birthday plans together, we cuddle and have romance and all of it.

The problem was really that intimacy was not great, I felt it going nowhere, I felt no escalation of closeness and there was a sign over the relationship saying "temporary".

I just feel now like he is wrestling with it because he doesn't want to lose me but also doesn't want a girlfriend.

I don't want to feel like I am forcing him to be my boyfriend. I am not sure what to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 15:41

Sorry, a few months not weeks

OP posts:

tribpot · 09/10/2015 15:44

Did you tell him the reason you wanted to split was that you were getting emotionally involved?

If you didn't, he may be just thinking he likes the 'no strings pseudo-relationship' that you'd fallen into (not strictly FWB but not really a problem as long as both sides remained emotionally unattached) and therefore it's worth talking through whatever it was you didn't like because he had fun.

If you did, perhaps this is a clumsy way of telling you he wants to become proper boyfriend and girlfriend? I don't think that is the case, however. I think you were convenient and he prefers not to lose the convenience. You need to be clear with him that the FWB relationship was not working for you.

TheVeryHungryPreggo · 09/10/2015 15:50

I agree, just tell him that the arrangement wasn't working for you and you are looking for something less casual and you don't see a future in this. Don't be persuaded to carry on if you think that things are not going to change. It's important to not keep doing something that you think will hurt you more in the long run. I think you've done exactly the right thing here.

I think you're right that he doesn't want to lose you, but more importantly he doesn't want to lose the casual arrangement either and rather than look for someone else who can provide that it's easier to try and keep you around. He wants to change "some bits" but not the fundamental nature of the relationship, which is the whole problem.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 15:50

At first I told him it just wasn't working (protecting my own ego there) but he's been quite upset and sad about it and so I bit the bullet yesterday and explained in detail why I did it, how being FWB hurt me in various ways and how much I actually liked him.

He replied that he'd had no idea I felt that way and that he was incredibly sorry and actually reassured me a bit like a boyfriend. Our problem is that we do act like bf and gf a lot of the time and I feel the lines are blurred and all on his terms and part of that is me not speaking up. I am just not built for FWB!

He is now saying that it's a waste beause we are so good together etc. and what would I need from him that I am not getting.

I will say, in fairness, I have known him a long time and he was absolutely resolute against being in a relationship for the past couple of years with anyone at all and he has his own reasons for that. Not that he is a player but that he feels his life is in a place he can't offer a woman what she would need financially, time wise or in many other ways.

In truth I believe he was heartbroken a while ago and uses these as excuses. I know he liked me for a long time.

I know he doesn't want to lose what we have, but I also want more and don't want to feel like I forced him into it. I am not sure what to say or do...give him a few weeks to think?

OP posts:

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 15:52

VeryHungry, that's exactly right, he wants to change bits so I am happier but the fundamental remains the same...he seems himself as not ready to settle down or be there 100% commitment wise. Not in terms of dating anyone else (he never would) but I feel he is painting a psuedo version of a relationship on his own terms and I feel castrated in many ways from the normal evolution of these things.

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tribpot · 09/10/2015 15:59

Our problem is that we do act like bf and gf a lot of the time

But you don't, not really. Well, maybe 'act' is a way to describe it. You both enjoy the cuddling and superficial intimacy that it comes with it, but fundamentally you want an actual relationship and he doesn't. Neither of you is wrong but neither of you will change the other's mind. You can't have what you want with him. He can't have what he wants with you.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:00

Is there room or the possibilty that he might change their mind? Or am I dreaming?

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Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:00

change his mind! illiterate today!

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Offred · 09/10/2015 16:01

You made a decision. He is not listening to you.

Making that decision and acting on it must have been difficult for you and he should respect your choice as it is abundantly clear that he is not able to give you what you need. What he wants is to convince you to keep giving him what he needs - emotional support and the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities.

I think you should stick with your original decision and not go back TBH.

tribpot · 09/10/2015 16:02

See, you're already hanging around on possibilities. This is no way to run a relationship. He is who he is. By all means, tell him straight out that you're interested in having a proper relationship with him, but that something casual doesn't suit you. He can then make a choice. But you know that really he's already made that choice. He hasn't offered you hearts and flowers and a real relationship, has he?

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:02

He is not respecting you and he is telling you he plans on continuing to not respect you so whatever nice bits there may be on offer in an interaction with him are not worth it.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:02

I think this is it:

My goal = spend time together, fall in love, get married, have babies.

His goal = enjoy what we have for as long as possible.

I look at that and think "forget this", then I remember all the people I have known who have started out with the same goal as him and fallen in love despite themselves and my silly brain thinks...give it time. It's only been less than three months and we were apart for one of those in the summer.

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Offred · 09/10/2015 16:03

If you tell him you want a real relationship it is highly likely he will just agree to it and carry on treating you as a second class citizen because he doesn't feel he needs to respect you.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:04

I do agree with you (know I made the right choice) but say for example he comes back to me and says "okay, let's do this" then isn;t that just him pretending to want it to suit me? A bit like what I was doing before?

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Offred · 09/10/2015 16:04

And the difference between the successful relationships and the failures is being on the same page at the same time. You aren't.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:05

You were absolutely correct to jib him off. Move on now. Don't let him back in.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:06

He's not really like that Offred. He doesn't treat me badly ever. It's more - if i can put this into words - that he approaches it at arms length. It's very hard to explain. He's been more into me and more attentive and more kind and more understanding and more of many things than lots of men I have had as proper boyfriends but the fact that he sees this as temporary is glaringly obvious. Like he tries to keep that distance there. If we get too close one day, he will pull away like a rubber band.

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Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:06

I do agree about being on the same page

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Offred · 09/10/2015 16:08

I don't mean that he is nasty.

He was aware you wanted more than he did, that's why he imitates BF behaviour. The fact he is not allowing you to move on even though he is not willing to have the kind of relationship you need is more disrespect.

He's thinking of himself. He is manipulating you to get benefits for himself. Maybe not cynically, but he lacks respect for you in his behaviour.

MairzyDoats · 09/10/2015 16:12

So be specific about what you want, and then move away (figuratively.) He may be scared to commit, he needs to see that you mean what you say. You can say to him, look, we don't have to rush anything, let's see where this takes us, but only if you admit that this is a proper relationship.

NameChange30 · 09/10/2015 16:15

"He is now saying that it's a waste beause we are so good together etc. and what would I need from him that I am not getting."

It's obvious isn't it? You want him to stop keeping you at arm's length, to make himself emotionally available, to commit to a relationship, to be open to the possibility of that relationship developing and maturing. If he can't see that, it's not a great sign, but if you want to give him a chance you could at least tell him. Then see what he says.

He can't have his cake and eat it, though. So if he won't do those things I think you should walk away.

Cherrybakewells1 · 09/10/2015 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 16:46

Being completely honest I have never told him before yesterday that I wasnted more. He thought I wanted the same.

No, he's not really discussed it with me because we discussed it before we got together. If I remember back he'd said he felt having a gf meant seeing her nearly every day, doing everything together and him paying for things. Obviously this is not my expectation. But we've never really talked about it.

Yes, he was incredibly badly hurt before. His fiance for pregnant by someone else four years ago and he's not had a relationship since.

Threw himself into his work, so he works full time and also doing a degree course so he's made quite an isolated life.

We see each other once a week (fine for me I am busy too) and when we do it's romantic and great and we just smile like a pair of idiots and I have honestly tried to let go of my need for words to be said but I feel scared myself.

I probably do need to talk to him and find out what his reasons are.

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Offred · 09/10/2015 16:49

I would urge you not to.

From what you say he is projecting issues he had with his last partner onto ALL potential partners.

He isn't respecting you ending things.

He of course did know what you wanted even if you didn't tell him explicitly because he managed to provide an imitation of it in an attempt to keep you happy.

A man who is resistant to a relationship because of being hurt in the past and who is happy to ignore you and pressure you when you put boundaries up is not one that will make you happy IMO.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:50

No matter how nice they are to you.

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