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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting back together -

44 replies

KnifeandFork · 09/10/2015 15:40

I had a FWB arrangement for a few weeks with someone and called it to a halt because I was getting emotionally involved and wasn't happy with the situation but now he wants to talk to me about which bits I wasn't happy with and change them so I am happy.

I'm confused. He's a good person. I know he likes me. It, is not a normal FWB arrangement in that we are exclusive, we have dates,we make birthday plans together, we cuddle and have romance and all of it.

The problem was really that intimacy was not great, I felt it going nowhere, I felt no escalation of closeness and there was a sign over the relationship saying "temporary".

I just feel now like he is wrestling with it because he doesn't want to lose me but also doesn't want a girlfriend.

I don't want to feel like I am forcing him to be my boyfriend. I am not sure what to do?

OP posts:

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:51

He knew what part of the real relationship to hold back, he didn't think twice about behaving in a misleading and inappropriate manner that was likely to lead you on.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:52

He also has it in his head that women are demanding and he has to protect himself from them. Not healthy.

Offred · 09/10/2015 16:57

Are you hoping to fix him and convince him you would make a lovely and none threatening GF the you are hoping to sign up for a shit relationship IMO.

Cherrybakewells1 · 09/10/2015 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeldomAthleticFC · 09/10/2015 18:20

I had a FWB relationship after my marriage ended. My friend had just ended a 12 year relationship. Neither of us wanted anything more at first and we had great fun.
I began to have strong feelings for him after a few months and so, when he asked another girl out, I said I didn't want to see him any more because it was too painful for me. I was 100% honest with him but it wasn't an ultimatum. I expected that to be the end of it.
Three days later he said he wanted to commit to me and 13 months later, we're living together and expecting a baby in March.
My DP didn't have the emotional baggage that your FWB does, so maybe it's a bit different. But in any case, my advice would be to be totally honest and don't put up with any shit. If he wants to be with you - great! If not, better to know now and avoid being strung along.

Cherrybakewells1 · 09/10/2015 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 10/10/2015 11:50

seldom thanks for sharing that story. Congratulations!

I have assessed a little bit further in my own mind and I know that when this bega neither of us wanted any more than FWB and that I have had to "try and see" in terms of what works for me.

I know he'd not deeing or interested in anyone but me, I don't worry on that front and he does spend "boyfriend" style quality time with me and does most of the things a boyfriend would do. I can call him if I am worried and he's there, I can ask him for help hanging shelves and he's delighted but what is missing from my side is:

a) Contact when we are apart, which is definitely sporadic and I am not getting a daily checkin.

b) Making plans, which I find to be a bit flaky and last minute.

c) Emotional intimacy, which I find is often really great when we are together but is dampened by te above two things.

d) The total absence of their being a joint hope towards the possibility of a longer term future.

I don't think being honest that it's only me who wants more. He does and says a lot of things which made it definitely look like he is not seeing this as just FWB. He wants to be invited to things with me and he seems hurt if I label us as FWB and says he hates that label and he looks worried if my phone beeps when we are together.

I think he has to sort his head out.

I have given him the information that I want more than FWB and will now leave it with him for a few days to digest and if he wants to be with me and does not want to lose me then he will do something about it. If he lets me go, I guess there is my answer.

I feel better for valuing myself enough to figure out my expectations and needs and I deep down don't believe in FWB. I am not a casual sex kind of a person.

OP posts:

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 10/10/2015 11:57

Yes Cherry...exactly. I have no expectation for us to see each other every day or for him to pay for me. I think he has some issues to work through here.

Being honest with myself, I think he probaly never thought I would want a relationship with him. I think he thinks he is batting out of his league.

I have spoken to him about this in general terms before and told him what he wants isn't friends with benefits - it's a relationship but one that is temporary with no long term commitment and he agreed that's what he wants.

I asked at the time why he would feel that way, and would it not hurt to lose someone and he said "it wouldn't be the first time".

I told him I thought this all had nothing to do with practicality and everything to do with him being hurt before and he said "you're probably right, it affected me".

I do feel for him, I think he craves the intimacy cuddles, affection but he's also quite scared of it. Not that this is my problem but I don't think he is doing this because he doesn't like me enough or because he wants to shag around.

OP posts:

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 10/10/2015 11:58

I do expect, to be honest though, this to be the end of it. I am sad about that, but I won't get invlved again without being his girfriend

OP posts:

SeldomAthleticFC · 10/10/2015 20:16

Well done for being strong. You sound very together. It's not easy - at least it wasn't for me - but it's less painful in the long run than settling for something you're not really happy with.
Best of luck to you, however it turns out. As my mother says (ad nauseum) "What's for you won't go by you."

NameChange30 · 11/10/2015 03:23

Sounds like he's not over his previous break-up and not ready for a proper relationship. But maybe if you tell him how you feel and break up but explain why, he might come back when he's sorted himself out and is ready to be in a proper relationship with you. If I were you I'd make it clear to him that you're open to that. But meanwhile try and move on (which I know is probably hard!)

FlourishingMrs · 11/10/2015 23:40

Just talk as adults and decide on the way forward, he could change his mind and decide you are the best person for him and vise versa.

TendonQueen · 12/10/2015 00:47

It sounds like he is in fact in a relationship with you but still has in his head the idea that he now Doesn't Do Relationships because of Being Hurt In The Past, so can't get past that because it would mean opening up again. All that sounds very Mills and Boon, but in practice it means, as you've realised, that he's got to take that step in his head. I think a cards on the table approach is good, while making it clear that while you'd like to try doing this 'properly', you're not going to wait indefinitely while he comes round to that idea in 8 months' time or whatever. Stick to your guns now as that's what will make him realise he has to piss or get off the pot. I'll stop mixing metaphors now.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 12/10/2015 09:15

Thanks all. I didn't hear from him over the weekend :( have managed to stay strong and not tell him I miss himKeeping my fingers crossed he will assess this and decide he's not willing to lose me, and I know if he doesn't that I have proved the wisdom of my own choice but it's still hard.

I am going out with someone else tonight, someone who wants a relationship with me and who has been relegated to the friendzone for a while now. Trying to get on with life and not hang around waiting.

Still feel really miserable though! Wish it was simpler and that when you felt like this about someone they felt it back!

OP posts:

tribpot · 12/10/2015 09:22

I think this is why you need to be very careful about who you choose for FWB. And indeed assess whether FWB is right for you - I know I wouldn't be able to stay detached enough.

And if you want a real relationship, own that choice rather than wibble about in something that isn't right for you - you are entitled to want it, he's entitled not to want it. I think the relationship was too much on his terms.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 12/10/2015 09:39

It didn't really start off correctly as a FWB arrangement. He'd been a friend for a long time and I didnt see him at all romantically but we had great talks and I had emotional closeness to him.

I'd been seeing various men who it didn't work out with and one night I'd basically not had sex in ages, was feeling really lonely and thought "what the heck" and invited him over and we had sex.

At that point the sex was great but I still wasn't seeing him in a romantic light at all and pratically shoved him out of the door in the morning. It took him a while to convince me to continue seeing him and he wasn't saying that it was just about sex, he was saying he felt something and didn't I feel it too.

Then he was the one who started to blur the lines. He wanted to stay all day with me and cuddle and talk about our childhoods and he was the one who started to invite me as his date to things (I was very standoffish about that), but at the same time as him blurring the lines with that he was also on and off with contact and quite flaky about plans

Half of him was sending me signals of "he is just not that into you" and half of him was sending me signals of "this man really likes you" and I felt quite confused and as my own atachment really blossomed I started to feel vulnerable and back away myself.

I'd never intended to walk into a FWB situation. I think I naively thought that we were starting a relationship and needed to walk away if that was not what he was oferring. Yes, I am the one who changed how I felt but at the same time nothing about him was telling me I was a friend with benefits.

I think he's a confused man and living with that is quite hard!

OP posts:

tribpot · 12/10/2015 10:01

Ah but I think in general (despite the name) a Friend With Benefits should primarily be about the benefits and not the friend. Trying to manage casual sex with someone you felt emotionally close to sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I agree that he has clearly also been confused about the nature of this relationship/non-relationship - the lines were blurred as soon as he used 'but I feel something for you' as a reason to continue an arrangement that was meant to be about sex. I appreciate it's not very romantic to then say 'so what are we doing, are we casually dating and seeing whether this progresses into something more, or what?' but clarity and communication do make a world of difference.

Overall he sounds like what Bridget Jones correctly termed 'the commitment phobicity nightmare'.

Original poster

KnifeandFork · 12/10/2015 10:04

Yes he probably is!!!

I do agree him using certain wording was unhelpful, but I'm an old romantic at heart and I saw it as two people just coming together and there being magic.

All of this casual sex nonsense is beyond me and I can't really figure why anyone woul be interested in someting so shallow and meaningless in a life so short!

OP posts:

Threefishys · 14/10/2015 15:46

Sounds like a very nice commitment phobe. Its highly unlikely that will change so if you want a proper commitment/relationship it looks like this isn't the one.

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