Right to End Relationship Over Petty Lies?

[Oddsod]

I have a history of relationships with liars. I have no doubt that it had turned me into a paranoid mess. My dad is an alcoholic so my role model from a young age has always been of a liar.

I divorced an habitual liar then my next relationship was with another liar.

Recently I got involved with someone who is kind, loving,thoughtful, romantic, good in bed etc but also has a tendency to tell tall stories. He has also shown himself to be emotional and clingy. He seems to be a bit of a fantasist, at first I laughed it off but then it got to the point where I didn't know what was true and what isn't.

I admit to having controlling tendencies and he said some of his lies were because he was afraid of my reaction. He appears to have anxiety, and has ignored it for years, smoking dope and not taking responsibility.

some of the lies were pointless, exaggerating his family's wealth, telling stories about mistreatment from loved ones then completely changing the story later on, lots of lies about debt, work , dodgy friends etc.

He's setting up a new business which I've been actively promoting and he has done work for my friends, sometimes turning up late, leaving people wondering where he is then blatantly lying to me about it so not only is he lying to me but in my mind he is affecting my reputation as a consequence.

We are both in our forties but being with him is like being with a flakey guy from my youth.

When I have talked this over with friends and family people are divided. Many say I should mind my business and just enjoy the fun times, let him do his thing, others say I don't need the stress, which I don't, constantly worrying about him, I have small kids , health problems, money worries of my own.

So after seven months of frustration, disappointment and tears interspersed with good sex and some laughs I have called time on our 'relationship'. I could feel myself becoming someone I don't like, constant questions, checking up, doubting everything and my brain is so tired and heavy.

What do you think? Are petty lies a deal breaker for you? Is clingy emotional behaviour only allowed in women? Am I applying double standards by not wanting him to cry all the time?

I think my guide is in whether a relationship promotes me to be the best version of me possible.

If instead it squashes me, turns me into somebody I don't want to be or brings out the worst in me then it's the wrong relationship.

I think your fault, if you have one, is that you give these guys too many chances. The point at which you were initially laughing it off was probably when you should have called time. When he first lied to you was exactly your get-out card.

Reading that back, it sounds a little harsh, and it's not meant to, truly! You don't owe any body any chances, let alone multiple ones! But you keep giving people chances, probably because of your less-than-optimal upbringing.

So, no, you're not being petty and unreasonable. You've been more than patient. Now you need to be good to yourself.

As to your role model, feugh! We constantly grow and change (the real people among us, that us, not the little man-child or similar). Start today thinking "alcoholic father? NOT a role model" and go find new ones. People, make and female, whom you admire, whose qualities you'd like more of in yourself. Go find some inspiration, make some new, fulfilling qualities a goal.

BTW: that bit about how you felt you were becoming somebody you don't want to be? THAT. Perfect.

Wow! joysmum and preemptivesalvageengineer what brilliant responses, not harsh at all, thank you, you have articulated exactly what I was feeling inside.
It was turning me into a headchurning mess and yes, the first lies were definitely when I should have shut up shop. I have no idea why I didn't because I was already working hard on listening to my gut and following my instinct after ignoring a gazillion red flags in past relationships.

Not sure why I gave this guy more chances, he had that stereotypical Peter Pan charm I guess and we had a great physical connection (vom emoticon)
I think also I fooled myself into believing that with a bit of work he would become perfect and we could led have a future. I have some serious money worries, not debts but hanging on to my house by a fingernail and I had this distant dream that he'd suddenly pull his shit together and we'd live happily ever after...

I love how naive I sound. Not.

1- you have the right to end a relationship for any reason or none
2- yes, lies are a deal breaker. Non negotiable.
3- don't ever laugh off awful behaviour.
4- good sex is never a good enough reason to put up with a shit relationship
5- never ever think you can work on or change a man to become a better partner

joysmum has the measure. If the relationship makes you into someone you do not want to be then it's time to end it. Regardless. This type of behaviour in the long term is crazy making and you say it yourself, you don't need that. Nor do you need permission. Wishing you and your dc's all the best for the future. Many people would have overlooked these things or spent more time 'working on things' in other words flogging a dead horse. Well done.

Thanks obsidian and inthebox. I think I seek justification because people keep telling me how obvious it is that he's into me and I should let myself go and have some fun, 'nobody's perfect' but he's kind etc etc and I have a history of overlooking things because I think my standards are too high when in reality it's probably that their standards are too low :/
I feel like I have flogged a dead horse way too long, I believed him when he said he was working on things but his excuses became more and more pathetic. Pathetic men don't do it for me!

Let yourself go and have some fun?

You say yourself you have had 'seven months of frustration, disappointment and tears'. How is that fun?

Lies would be a dealbreaker for me. Trust in a relationship is important. You were right to get rid.

I'm a very nurturing and forgiving person, again probably because of my toxic parents. I have put up with a lot from guys but am now waking up, I have my kids to consider and to be a role model for.

Every time he told a new lie or overstepped my boundaries he said that he 'panicked'. For some reason I thought that this justified all his crazy making behaviour and that his past influences and experiences needed to be worked on and I trusted him to try and put it right.
What a fool I've been.

I have done pattern changing and freedom programmes so in a way I have no excuse...

Please, stop with the self-abuse.

I can't cut&paste, so apols for not quoting directly, but this really whacked my asshole-dar:

"... he said he panicked..."

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Sorry, but you're all adults here. A loving supportive relationship involves helping people to help themselves, not propping them up to avoid reality.

And, sorry, hon , but you really do need to get some You Time (I.e : therapy). You mentioned Toxic Parents like it ain't no thang. I truly feel that's the root of a lot of your stumble-blocks to healing.

Thanks preemptive just what I needed to read as I am premenstrual and was feeling emotional and wondering if I'd been too hasty!

I feel such a fool but yes you're right, self abuse isn't going to help.

Longer term I don't know how to deal with the toxic parents thing. I've been in many a scary situation with men because I keep 'choosing' the same types of people, namely weak ones, different weakness for each guy but ultimately they were all accepted by me who would then try to support and enable them to change...

I have had a fair bit of therapy but none of it has really helped with those issues because every therapist has wanted to focus more on the future than the past, every now and then I think I'm over the parents thing but at times like this when I'm feeling weak and vulnerable it really highlights my loneliness and lack of secure attachment to anyone other than my children .

I think you really need to press for some more therapy, to get that past sorted out. I've heard the Freedom Programme's praises sung time and again on here: worth considering in addition to more general therapy. And how about ACOA and Al-Anon?

I'm re-reading your posts, and want to address also the casualness of some of your friends/family about your relationship troubles. By some accounts, yes, having fun and enjoying the good times should be what's happening here - you maybe shouldn't have to think too deeply about new romance. In a nice, healthy relationship with a nice, healthy other half you can relax and have fun. But just because that's the goal, and should be the norm, doesn't mean it's true for all - its certainly not your experience, given your father, and some of your family should know that, FFS! And, of those who didn't grow up with that sort of experience, at very least some of these so-called friends lack empathy.

We even see it on Mumsnet sometimes, sad to say: posters having problems with abuse, or street harassment and too many repliers doing the equivalent of ">shrug< doesn't happen to me..."

I have to be careful here, because I think lying in a relationship is abhorrent and people who tolerate it are enabling gits, but even if they are living perfectly happy lives being lied to, you are not, and they should be supportive of that.

And that's the lesser of the scenarios: what's really probably going on is they want to drag you down to their level. How very dare you think you deserve respect, from them or your partners?

Seriously consider setting up some stronger boundaries with some of your friends and family, and pruning the ones who continue to be a hindrance.

Wow, thanks again preemptive ironically I'm having to do a bit of firefighting at work, I'm in a scenario where my seniors are being dishonest and I'm in a huge battle with them, I'm finding it extremely stressful having to keep saying 'but you said...'
It's much harder to just ditch my employers but I really don't want it in my private life as well.
Alastair night some friends came over and were asking about me and Peter Pan, inviting us out for dinner. I explained that he is gone and the husband kept saying 'but he loves you' and I'm saying I can't deal with his inconsistency and the husband said I should keep him on the 'back burner'. Fortunately the wife was a bit more understanding of my reasons.
I have difficulty pruning many more people, I have already done this and the rest news that are left it's hard to challenge because either they are in unhelpful relationships or they don't get my issues, they'll say 'oh but he's this and he's that' and it's hard for me to explain because I just sound like an angry bitter woman.
I have thought about ACOA before, maybe it's a starting point.

Obviously not Alastair night!?! *last night....fss...

Are you under a name change?

Aaarrrgggh! This planet is chock-full of liars! Feel yer pain, OP.

You just vent away all you like; don't care what you call yourself these days...

I think you are right to end the relationship. To put it bluntly lying fantasists who smoke weed and act like overgrown teenagers are fun for a bit. Right up until, you know, real life. Which they are pretty shit at.

I definitely think it is worth accessing some therapy to further process how your relationship with your dad affected you and continues to affect your relationship choices. Cool that you are self-aware enough to know it has played its part.

Whoops IT fail, u know, I want different names for more innocuous threads so people don't think 'ah, so she's the one who had the problem with the blah blah blah...'
But yes, I do have plenty of insight but struggle with actually using it in a positive way. Although ditching the fantasist is a good start. I really really miss him tho even though I can't handle the perpetual bullshit.

I asked because I didn't understand the post (as in from anther poster).

Your feelings are entirely normal and natural. You must hold on the fact that you've done the right thing. Emotions are irrational inexplainable things, as such, I'm not surprised you've found yourself on a bit of a roller coaster.

You keep on keeping on! "ditching the fantasist is a good start" is something to hold on to.

inthebox yes it would look a bit weird if it were another poster!

Thank you for the validation. I know I shouldn't need it at my age but it's hard to know when I seem to be swimming against a tide of people telling me one thing and my own brain/heart/loins telling me something different.

I have ill health and we have some mutual friends, somebody has obviously told him I'm having a bad time as I came home today to a bouquet and a note on the doorstep wishing me well and saying sorry for being a fool. It's a nice gesture....

I think the missing him is natural. Missing the jokes and the physical side and the things we enjoyed together but I think as with the grieving over my divorce and grieving over my childhood and my dreadful parents, and grieving over him, I'm grieving for and missing things I never had, the failed marriage, the useless parents, the man I though Peter Pan was.

I'm not going to get better physically so am grieving my fitness and mobility and having a dreadful time at work, a place where I've always had a great reputation and since becoming ill most of the old senior staff have left and there's nobody there who remembers how I was and nobody who knows my worth there, so me asking for reasonable adjustments based on my health seems like me just being a demanding, mardy cow.

I have gone off course but the point I'm making is that I'm really struggling and really lonely right now. And disappointment is making me feel so sad.

Oddsod Many of us have been where you are and quite frankly we need support. It sounds like there's much more stress than just the loss of the twat. How's things with work? Is it changeable? Obviously not as easy as that but it does sound like a nightmare feeling like you're more of a nuisance than a member of the team.

You rant away. Here's a hand to hold. IMO you've demonstrated quite some strength of character going by the posts you've made. The only way out is through in this scenario. Sorry for the cliches but sometimes it helps to remind oneself.

What sort of measures are you looking at? e.g. speaking with GP or similar? Quite nice that the fool realises that he was a fool. The better thing is that you know better than that. He's a leech and obviously wants to suck you back in.

You need to figure out who your real friends are because a good friend wouldn't have provided him with that sort of information. On the flip side opening up to one of your mutual friends means you must have had an inkling it might get back to him. Tbh after 7 months you should still be thinking the sun shines out of each others' arses not stressed with lies and continuous bullshit. Your past relationships sound unhealthy, from one habitual liar to another. Build yourself up again before you consider anything else. The goal at this point should be to reduce if not eliminate stressors, not add to them.

inthebox thanks for the handholding. I am in a grievance situation at work right now, sadly my very supportive GP retired at the start of the process and my new on doesn't know me from 'Adam' so I'm not feeling particularly supported. I don't have any support from family and my friends are all in different life stages and although they make soothing noises they are not really interested.
My house relies on my job, there are no other jobs that pay as well in my area so leaving isn't the easy option which I'd normally take, I feel quite trapped, I'm not ready to lose our house just yet.
Wrt to the mutual friends, they came round as we live nearby, and caught me when I was in a bad way so I didn't even have to say anything but yes, the husband is very indiscreet but I hadn't thought as far as them sharing the information, I have a good relationship with the wife and she knows about my illness so we were discussing it as a matter of course.
You are right about the elimination of stressors, that was the main reason I dumped the liar because I was expending too much brain and emotional energy on him and it was unedifying to say the least.

I think you're doing well, considering. Keep plugging away, and know that having shed the liar will save you some much-needed strength!

Perhaps it's time for another reminder to your friends what you consulider acceptable, i.e. not that.

PM me if you like about the work situation. I think I know what you're saying.

How are you holding up today Oddsod?

So annoying had a long reply written the other day plus a pm to preemptivesalvageengineer and had some web/Ict trouble and lost both...I'm not great at the mo, permanent pain and headache so just doing very little to preserve energy for the kids.
I will pm again soon re work situ just too tired and headaches now to type/read more. Thanks