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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So bloody angry I could cry!

26 replies

lostremotecontrol · 08/10/2015 21:58

I've been supporting a partner with severe MH issues. We were in a relationship for 3 years, just friends now. Never lived together.

Just a few facts about him:
Anger management issues
Racist
Drunk
Forced me to have sex
Selfish
No affection EVER
'Cheated' via Facebook/texts

And a few facts about me:
Stood by him through everything
Took him to various appointments
Looked after his DC
Cooked
Cleaned
Put up with ranting
Bit my tongue permanently

I realise I was a doormat, know I needed to get out completely and was gradually easing myself out of the 'relationship.'

Sent me a text tonight saying he was drunk - surprise surprise - and we were over etc etc.

90% of me was relieved, 10% sad because of what we lost when things were good.

He's now sent me a text saying he wished I was more honest with him, we had no connection.

I am so bloody annoyed I feel like crying. How dare he!!! I did everything I possibly could. Really want to pick up the phone and tell him how unfair this is, but I know that's the wrong thing to do.

To be honest, I don't mind if no one replies this, I just feel so much better for having got it out of my system.

Thanks for reading.

x o x

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 08/10/2015 22:00

Text back that you agree with him you should have been more honest. Then text him the "few facts abut him" above. Then tell him good bye and delete his number.

TheoriginalLEM · 08/10/2015 22:00

i have mh issues. no excuse for that behaviour. hes doing you a favour. he'll sober up and probably forget he even sent the text. id block and ignore

fusspot66 · 08/10/2015 22:00

Now you're free of him, keep running.
Don't look back
Ignore Ignore Ignore

Original poster
lostremotecontrol · 08/10/2015 22:19

Apparently he never loved me at all, not even when we were planning a future together earlier in the year.

I just want to cry. He is being so vicious in his texts - how on earth can he say these things to me??

I am almost speechless with how unfair he is being.

Three hours ago we were planning to go and see a film on Saturday!

OP posts:
pictish · 08/10/2015 22:21

Why on earth are you keeping dibs in with someone who treats you this way? Because what...his MH problems? Well, he's not grateful. He doesn't even like you.
Why are you doing this to yourself?

Original poster
lostremotecontrol · 08/10/2015 22:27

I'm not anymore, don't worry.

I found it hard to walk away because I wanted to support him with his issues but you are right - he doesn't care at all.

I was told over and over again by lots of people that having MH issues didn't give you an excuse for being a twat and I knew that and was distancing myself gradually as I didn't want him to have a relapse - he was improving, albeit slowly.

He can go to Hell in a handcart now for all I care.

But I'm still in tears at the sheer bloody injustice of it all.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 08/10/2015 22:34

Tell him to fuck off. Block him on your phone. Wipe him from your contacts.
Never ever speak to him again. He has abused you emotionally and physically.
Walk away, be glad you have escaped and never, ever look back

Imbroglio · 08/10/2015 22:34

He's drunk and miserable and blaming you for how he feels.

Send his texts back to him, verbatim.

Then block him and say goodbye.

DoreenLethal · 08/10/2015 22:38

Why havent you blocked him? He is a rapist, racist mysogonistic cunt.

lordStrange · 08/10/2015 22:40

I'm guessing that there were good times and you have kept hanging in there hoping for more? Give it up!

One day, 10 years from now, 20 years, he will realise this massive cock up he has made. He is a twit.

Make a whole new life for yourself starting now. There is truly nothing for you in all his silly bollocks.

NameChange30 · 08/10/2015 22:43

He fucking raped you. He doesn't deserve your "help". He is beyond help anyway. The "MH issues" (if they even exist) are beside the point. HE IS ABUSIVE. Get him out of your life, block him. Get counselling, do the Freedom Programme.

lordStrange · 08/10/2015 22:45

OMG had to read your op properly after Doreen's post. Christ lady! Bin. Bin and be glad.

Original poster
lostremotecontrol · 08/10/2015 22:52

DoreenLethal you have it spot on.

TBH, you are all right and I'm so annoyed with myself I tried to help him.

I sincerely hope you are right lordStrange - I would absolutely love for him to be regretting the way he treated me for the rest of his life.

It might sound stupid, but I needed to feel this anger to get shut of him. All the while I felt sorry for him and yearned for what we once had, I couldn't do it.

Well, it's done now and I am NEVER going back there.

Feel sorry for his teenage DDs who live with him - they are part of the reason I hung in there - what sort of skewed view of men are they going to have?

OP posts:
Inertia · 08/10/2015 22:55

Doreen has summed it up perfectly- and you cannot cure someone of being a rapist by doing his housework.

The injustice is not in the fact that this relationship is over and he's called it. The injustice lies in giving up your bodily autonomy and three years of your life , and that he's got away with a serious criminal act.

Ending the relationship might genuinely be the first good thing he's ever done for you. I wish you the strength to get through this.

MissApple · 08/10/2015 22:57

Don't waste a second more on this guy!! No matter what he says from now on!!

NameChange30 · 08/10/2015 23:01

"you cannot cure someone of being a rapist by doing his housework"

!!!

BiscuitMillionaire · 08/10/2015 23:06

It's GOOD that you're angry. Hooray. Be fucking furious. Then turn your anger into action. Cut all ties with him. And enjoy the rest of your life.

Original poster
lostremotecontrol · 08/10/2015 23:08

inertia thank you - you're making me look at it differently.

You are all giving me the strength to get through this, I knew you would.

Having lurked for a long time on this board, as soon as I got his text message all I wanted to do was post here, because I knew it would stop me contacting him again, and that there would be wise words to help me.

RL friends know some details - not the worst parts - and are caring and supportive, but there is something in being about to post in an anonymous forum that lets you be more graphic, and strangers are able to say things to you RL friends might feel unable to.

Flowers to you all.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/10/2015 23:21

lostremotecontrol& I agree with fusspot* and all the others saying things like .... RUN and don't look back. Your revenge is that you make a vow no prick will ever treat you like that again, and YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE WELL.

Really truly do not engage, there is no point. You wanted out, you are out, PHEW get on with your life and learn from this terrible experience.

Re I just want to cry. Then cry, it is upsetting,

Re He is being so vicious in his texts - how on earth can he say these things to me?? because he is a bastard!

Re I am almost speechless with how unfair he is being. How could he be anything else, he is seeing things through his own warped lens. He is drunk. He is abusive. That is how he can be so unfair.

Re Three hours ago we were planning to go and see a film on Saturday! Just think phew, I dodged a bullet, I could have been stuck in this relationship even longer.

Please learn from this, look for signs, avoid the men who are shit and you will not be able to change them or remould them with your kindness. If you want to do charity work, do it for a job or do it as a volunteer but in relationships look for an equal who will give back to you what you give out, love, respect and care. You are worth it. Cry and then move on, you are worth more than this shit.

If you think his teenage daughters are in danger you could anonymously report him to NSPCC. If they just live with s shit dad then pray they too will see the light and move on. But please do look after yourself.

chitofftheshovel · 08/10/2015 23:23

Sounds like you are doing this already but I would completely ignore his text/s. He is drunk, goading you, wants the attention, even if it is bad attention.
And then work on becoming the person you love again, May take some time but it will happen if you allow it to. Flowers for you during this tough time

CalleighDoodle · 08/10/2015 23:26

Are you going to think about speaking to professionals about the rapes?

Why are his daughters living with him? An alcoholic rapist with mental health issues doesnt sound the best person to be raising teenage girls.

CalleighDoodle · 08/10/2015 23:26

Block his number

summerwinterton · 08/10/2015 23:31

I would be reporting his texts to the police, and the rapes too quite frankly. And I would advise the Freedom Programme for you at the very least and perhaps a call to Rape Crisis too.

cosytoaster · 08/10/2015 23:34

Delete/block etc and don't have any more contact ever - consider him dead to you

Lynnm63 · 08/10/2015 23:37

Block his number, do not go back. Consider the text breaking up as the best gift he's ever given you. You are free of him and he can't blame you as he dumped you.
You might want to keep the DD's on your contacts at least for a short while just so you know they're ok, assuming you are close enough to them.

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