So what is more important....children being brought up by 2 parents, or my happiness

[Massivelyconfused]

This has obviously probably been discussed thousands of times on MN but I am so messed up and just need to get this out. DH has just gone out after our thousandth argument in the last few months and it has ended with us saying it's over and will see a lawyer tomorrow. Long story short, I am unhappy and dream of being on my own with my DC (4 and 6). But boys happy with their dad. Do I go for it or stick with an unhappy marriage? What is more important?

I'd say your happiness needs to come first, purely for your own mental wellbeing. I would just caution that it's not easy being a single parent, especially if things turn nasty so just make sure it really is what you want. Good luck.

I meant nasty with your ex - you may be prepared to still be friends / civil etc but it's not always the case with the other person, especially if they don't want to break up. Also, have you thought about the children's living arrangements, financially how you'll manage etc etc?

I think research has shown that children are happier and better adjusted if the parents split up, when they've been unhappy, arguing, angry etc.

You certainly will find it easier to look after them and sort problems if you're feeling happier.

Single parenthood isn't a panacea by any means, and it is very hard if the nrp is a dick and messes you about, but on balance I think it's a better choice than the unrelenting misery of staying.

Be prepared to stop arguing and perhaps improved relario ship with their dad.
Not guaranteed but after 6 years here we help each other like friends would. You may even remind yourself why you married him!

It isn't an either/or situation. If you've both agreed that it's over, you can look to end your marriage amicably and live separately while co-parenting your dc.

If this is the 'thousandth argument in the last few months' it's clearly time to start working out what you can agree on as a battleground is no place to raise dc.

Perhaps couples counselling or some form of mediation may enable the two of you to communcate in a meaningful manner instead of fighting each other.

Thanks everyone. antimatter do you mean you stayed together and stopped arguing or since you separated it's been better?

He wouldn't be interested in counselling, I can almost guarantee it. Emotionally it wouldn't work for me either, I know I no longer love him (except as the father of my children) which is partly why I don't want to stay. The battle for me is with the moral issue of whether I should leave to be happier alone.

I know that when he comes home in a few hours I am faced with the stark option of backtracking and saying I'll stay and try (again) or doing what my heart says and going ahead with a separation. Feeling more torn than ever before in my life.

oneowlgirl you're absolutely right about the financial thing - this is another aspect of it. Staying would mean financial stability (for me and the boys). Leaving I have no idea. We run a business together and it will be unbelievably messy sorting that out.

My mum told me to write a list of pros and cons of both sides but all that is on the pro's for me leaving side are me being happy (hopefully) = calmer parent.

'Morals' only come into it if you're intending to leave him to be with an om you've been seeing on the sly unknown to your h.

What or where is the problem in your marriage? Why do you keep arguing, and why haven't either of you suggested counselling as a means by which you can communicate on neutral ground in the presence of a third party whose remit is to facilitate rather than adjudicate.

goddess no there's no OM, I meant morally taking my children away from their father.

Whether you are stay living with your DH or not, your children will still be brought up by two parents. Your happiness is vital to your children. I grew up with a depressed mum, who stayed married for my and my brother's sake. It has damaged me and my brother deeply. Our adult friendships and relationships have been affected.

Please choose carefully, research your options fully and thoroughly.

Whatever you choose, it will not be without some opportunity cost.

Can you see yourself lasting years together? Because if you think that you could stick another few months or years, it is pointless to stay together, you are just delaying the inevitable.

pico2 no I don't see a future. I think it will happen at some point in the next few years.

All also complicated by the fact that I live abroad and although I would try my hardest to make a life out here as a single mum on my own I may eventually have to return to the UK if I can't cope here. DH obviously scared of that.

It isn't selfish to want your DC to grow up in a calm and happy environment.

Presumably you're not planning to spirit your dc away to a place where they won't be able to have any contact with your df and, that being the case, there's no reason why you can't co-parent with the dc spending weekends with their df/ and week days/nights with you or vice versa, or any other child caring/sharing arrangements you negotiate between you or, if you fail to reach agreement, according whatever a court may determine is in their best interests.

As I've said above, it's not a question of morals. It's a question of doing what is right for the dc and it's certainly not right to for them to be around dps who are continually arguing/shouting the odds/flouncing etc.

Are you living in your dh's home country and, if so, does his family live nearby?

Are your dc British born/UK passport holders and will you need your dh's permission to take them out of their current country of residence?

If you should have to return to the UK for economic reasons your dc can spend all of their school holidays with their df and he can spend his holidays with them in the UK or, if it is more advantageous for the dc to be raised in their current country of residence, they could spend their school holidays etc in the UK with you.

Your happiness is more vital. Kids are resilient and will be fine. TBH if your H refuses counselling then he's already checked out of the marriage.

Your children will still have two parents.
They will be aware of tensions and the lack of love in your relationship should you stay together.
Millions of couples with children split. As long as you are able to help them deal with issues arising from it and remain positive I think children demonstrate great resilience and understanding.

Am stunned at the amount of posters saying your happiness is more important. Seriously?
The OP has two young DC's who by all accounts love their dad. And somehow miraculously they will get through this and it will be ok. Do some of you live in a parallel universe?

I am in the process of divorcing my STBXH. Two youngish DC's. The divorce was not my choice per se, but his actions left me zero choice.

My DC's miss their dad every single morning and every single evening.
I'm the one wiping their tears and trying to tell them their lives will be ok. Life won't be the same, it will be different and it will be ok.
I am the main provider. Period. Since they are with me 80% of the time the responsibility falls to me.
I used to have free time. Now I have zero. If I'm not working I'm rushing home. When he has them, I'm trying to get my finances and life in order.
I also used to think that we would never be one of those non amicable divorces. The process can change someone you have known for years overnight to a total stranger. Despite bringing this on himself my STBXH is being incredibly difficult at times.

It's brutally hard.
I can see a long tough road ahead

The only silver lining for me is that I have zero guilt. So when the DC's are crying. Or when he's trying to guilt trip me. I know deep down that I have no choice but to press on with this divorce. And that is coming across in my actions and how I am coping. If this wasn't the case, I can categorically say the guilt would stop me in my tracks.

Sorry OP but you sound horrendously selfish. You should at least make an attempt at counselling. If you think an easier road lies ahead, you're in for a rude awakening

TooSassy

Yes it's hard on children but my parents stayed together, there was nothing wrong other than them not being in love or fight for each.

I have my own issues from that and I firmly believe setting your children the benchmark of what an acceptable and desirable marriage/partnership is is far more important.

By staying together in an unhappy marriage you deny you and your kids the change of finding a strong family unit with the right person. I know of many first marriages that have dissolved and been unhappy, the second go around has bought them what they'd hoped for in the first and a well blended family may give a child a richer well of 4 adults to rely on rather than just 2.

Between the arguments and the lawyer there is the halfway house of mediation and counselling . I really think you should get help this way before making any decisions . As can be seen on here you will get opinions . Staying in an unhappy relationship is fucking depressing that's for sure .

I would urge you to get some couples counselling and try and work out what's going on

Too sassy

I appreciate that your split was thrust upon you . But the relentless misery of a shit relationship is awful

You can't look forward to anything
Atmosphere tense all of the time
Unable to plan or even do things as a family
Dreading weekends (which is a shame when you work full time )
That sick feeling in your tummy when they are around

I just don't know - my kids would also weep if we split - but staying in my scenario is making me feel crushed

Would you really call me selfish for striking out ? An curious not having a pop at you and I hope things get easier

I'm Not saying that the OP should stay in this situation forever. But they haven't even tried any counselling before talking about splitting up! And some posters on here are just saying your happiness is the most important thing.

No. Once you decide to have children, your priorities shift. Or they bloody well should do. Once you make that commitment and bring these little people into your lives, they deserve you trying everything to make it work before you decide to walk away

My parents split up. Best thing they did, they couldn't stand each other and I was fed up with it. They were much happier with new partners.

No one needs to live in a miserable family.