How do I make Him love me again?

[Kellyxxxx14]

Basically overheard oh convo to his sister and he said "I just don't love Kelly anymore"
I'm heartbroken we have a 6 month old girl.
He is still here.
He must still love me a little bit or he would of left by now.
Do I try harder? Cook a nice meal?buy him a present?
What did I do wrong?

We got back together last year and I got pregnant the month after.

Love isn't doing his washing and keeping house.
Him buying a new tv/sofa isn't a sign that he loves you, its a sign that he's bought himself these things and will take them with him.

Please talk to him. You need to know and you can't live in fear in a one sided relationship.

Also the earlier you split up the better for your DD. Do you want her to grow up thinking she can only get a man to love her by doing everything for him?

Im so sorry kelly, no advice to add but I've been there and it's not nice. Un-mumsnetty hugs x

I'm just feeling low at the minute.
He is still here so I guess I'm clinging to hope we still have something beetween us.
He must still have some love there surely.
Don't want to give up on him.

Are you sure he stayed at his dads?

Yeah deffo .
His dad rang and told me he turned up drunk saying he didn't want to come home and asking why he had to come back here.
Lovely eh ..because you live here.

Basically he said he didn't love me anymore and he was unhappy.

I wonder if his sister has seen or heard something that he is trying to justify, ie, an OW.

Sorry but his behavior coupled with the fact that he left for another woman once before would suggest to me that he may be cheating

I am sorry, but I think you need to consider this as a possibility. Would you still want to stay with him if that were case?

And to answer your OP, you cant make someone love you, but you can demand their respect, something that you havent been doing and I think that you should. If he wants to go then let him, I rather think that he is banking on you not wanting him to go, so pull the rug out from under him and ask him to go.

Bogeyface is right....

Sorry you're going through this because its horrendous, you don't deserve it and you sound like a nice, caring person. But time for some tough love:

You cannot make someone love you, and you certainly can't do it by making their meals, washing up after them and generally being their skivvy. If anything you are likely to make them love you less by doing this as they will lose respect for you.

You need to grow a backbone and get your self-respect back. This man clearly doesn't love you any more he would not have gone off with another woman for the best part of a year if he had and does not respect you so your endlessly running around to cater for his needs is not going to help that situation. You can't win him around.

If you start to show yourself, and show him, that you are no longer prepared to tolerate this, you will start to gain a sense of self confidence in your management of your own life. You will be a better parent to your little girl on your own without this man. Once you make that clear, he will in all likelihood start to respect you more, not that that is a reason for doing it.

If you carry on as you are at present you will demolish your own self esteem and show your child a terrible model for how to be a mother.

He sounds very unhappy. You sound very unhappy. This isn't a healthy situation for any one of the three of you.

I'm going to tell you what I believe is the truth, but it's not easy reading.

If you love him, then his happiness will take precedent over your worries about how you'd cope as two single parents. But you will cope, if it came to it.

If you try to hold on to him, he will pull further away. As you get more anxious you cling tighter, and this unfortunately will be less and less attractive to him.

You need to prepare to parent and live alone. Show everyone (including yourself) that you can do it if needed.

Of course you can't make him love you. Being extra nice and kind and thoughtful will definitely not work.

You need to toughen up and give him a shock.

When I knew my ex didn't want to be with me any more, I said, fine off you go then. It hurt but I wasn't going to beg him to stay.

9 months later he wanted me back. Too late then of course, I didn't want him.

It is humiliating to be acting desperate for his love. Even though it's heartbreaking and you have a little one, I think you should tell him you know there's something wrong and you can't live like this. Call his bluff and give him permission to leave. Be really strong and firm. There is a risk your relationship will end but you could lose him anyway eg staying out overnight drunk, it sounds like he is half out of the door anyway.

Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry. happyending14 is right though. You can't make him love you. Let him go.

This happened to me 12 years ago after years of struggling and knowing deep inside it was all over.

It took 6 weeks for him to want to come back but by then I knew I didn't want him, the children and I were happier in a calm house, not having to walk on eggshells to keep him happy.

It will be awful, but you will move on an find someone better, who really loves you and your little girl.

I promise you, you don't need him if he doesn't want you.

If I knew how to do flowers and hugs I would.

We are all rooting for you. x

If I were you I'd start showing him that you are not dependent on him.
Start having your own life again, hook up with friends, get out without the baby. Stop trying to please him and please yourself a bit.
Act a bit Indifferent to him, concentrate on you and the baby.
You wil totally be ok on your own (I brought up four kids alone) but in the meantime it won't do either of you any harm to be reminded that you are more than just a mum.
Work on your self confidence maybe even with a counsellor, yiur local NHs probably runs groups or individual sessions to help with this.
Increased self confidence will serve you well no matter what happens.
Good luck

I have a night out with a friend tonight just to the cinema and for a meal.
It doesn't make sense to me why he didn't want to come home after a few drinks..it's not like I stop him from going out.
It hurts that he would rather go to his dads than come home to me.

Thankyou for your helpful comments.
I do need to work on my confidence.
I don't know how but I have got to a point where I feel if he doesn't love me I must be scum and worthless.

You are not scum and you are not worthless, I know this because I know that there is no person alive who is!

As others have said, you need to work on your self-esteem, and your ability to be autonomous and independent.

However I disagree with those who say:

• he is probably seeing someone, we simply don't know that. *and that you should start to just concentrate on you and baby, because often this is a major cause of why men start to opt out, they opt out because they feel pushed out.

So, I really do think you need to work on yourself, on your life, on looking at work/study/leisure time. This will do two things: show him you are strong without and with him, and prepare you for life on your own if that is the eventual outcome.

I think you should stop acting desperate,clingy, sad,and dependent and stop waiting on him, it won't work. But neither should you become combative, start pointing blame, nailing him down on certain issues, and giving ultimatums, or imagining all sorts without proof. That won't work either, and you might reflect later and conclude "I pushed him away" I say this because you seem to be a person who internalises things and holds herself responsible for everything, as though the fault were all your own. It isn't but it is easy to fall into that way of thinking.

So, if it is him you want, don't cling, but instead work on yourself. People fall in love with others because those other people have something about them that they respect and love, make yourself such a person. People do not fall in love with people who simply make themselves a door mat.

I agree with others. Start working on yourself.
Get out and about. Do things you enjoy or want to do. Start planning for your future.
Do you work? Are you able to be independent?
Do you have any hobbies?
Stop being a doormat and start being your own person.

I can drive but have no car at the moment so rely on him to drive or take the bus.
I don't work at the moment but I have been looking at part time work.
I used to work as cabin crew for 2 years and it was the best job ever ..I know I can't do that again tho with baby as it's not realistic but would like something travel related as I have A levels in travel and business.
I have no confidence at the moment tho which I know is a issue.

I don't know how but I have got to a point where I feel if he doesn't love me I must be scum and worthless.

No. It doesn't work like that.

Im sorry, but the very hard-to-accept truth is that if he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you. Nothing you can do will change that. You can't force him to love you, even though you love him a lot.

I'm afraid you have to face that you are not going to get what you want here. It's going ot hurt like holy fucking hell. But it's going to be just as painful for longer if you don't grasp this stinging nettle.

you can't control him. You can't control his emotions. It's better for you both if you stop trying. He won't move out unless he finds a better place to live, men rarely do when they get everything done for them and would have to do it for themselves. But if he really doesn't love you, when he finds something 'better' (in his mind), he'll be gone.

The advice to work on yourself and value yourself is the best way forward. Hobbies if you can, building up friends (other mums? mum and baby groups?)

Its a funny thing, you can't make someone love you, but you can be the person that someone loves. You can though make someone not love you, by being someone that they couldn't love. Mmmm, not so certain its that simple though.

To some extent I think we can make someone love us. Throughout history there have been women, clever women, strong and ambitious women who have indeed got men to fall at their feet. Most of these women have been both flirtatious and hard to pin down. I think if you looked at these situations one common element is men feeling they have to prove themselves. If you fall at their feet they simply step over you and keep walking. Maybe they feel that a woman who clings is not worthy of them, or perhaps they just like to feel they have to always be a better man for you. This of course smacks of all this ridiculous advice you find on dating blogs...but myth and explanation of reality is always to a great extent going to reflect such a reality.

I also think that some people (emotionally immature) can see things in very black and white terms, childishly proclaiming love one day and not the next. I think the proof of such things is not in words but deeds and time.

I should have thought that being air crew gives you lots of transferrable skills, so I should think you are in a good position to find work OP. And I think that is probably a good place to start.

I'm thinking admin jobs would be a good place to start.
Can I ask you a honest question ..why is he staying if he doesn't love me? Do you think he thinks it can be saved? Or is he too coward to leave?

Laziness.

you do his cooking, washing up, cleaning and everything else.

If he lived on his own, he'd have to do it for himself. Simple as that. You're doing it all for him.

it's said that men who are unhappy in a relationship rarely leave until they have someone else to go to. Occasionally it happens they simply go, but mostly they stick around until it's they've found something they think is better.

YOu are worth so so much more than this. Remember that, even in the bad moments. You deserve cherishing, not being a convenient domestic servant

My friend is cabin crew part time with two small kids. Her husband - their father - looks after his kids when she's away.

why is he staying if he doesn't love me? Do you think he thinks it can be saved? Or is he too coward to leave?

It could be all of the reasons Meerka says, but it could equably be that he's undecided or denying his feelings or confused or scared of being single or scared of being a part-time father etc.

He might be staying because he feels a responsibility to do so as a parent, it might be because he realises that he should give things more time, or it could be that he hopes things will improve. Alternatively it could be for all the reason listed by Meerka

But, he isn't leaving, or hasn't at the moment. Neither have you, so now would be a good time to work on yourself, your plans and happiness, and to try and talk to him at least in very general terms about how he feels. I wouldn't be trying to pin him down, exact confessions and pushing for resolutions.

I was in a relationship for nearly 16 years, and there were times when I would have told friends that I didn't love dp (in fact I'm certain I probably never did)but there were times I know he felt loved, and when we were both happy, times when I didn't have cause to believe I didn't love him. People's feelings can change, and they can change again, and in the course of any long relationship I think it would be unrealistic to suggest otherwise.

Put this way, I'm sure we all talk to friends and family, I'm sure too that sometimes we talk about our feelings (even the fleeting ones, or negative ones) and I am sure too that we don't always act on those feelings. If the object of those feelings never hears our thoughts they pass into oblivion, like they never existed.

I think its a whole different game when someone actually comes to you and says they don't love you and want to leave. Of course there is no compromise and no midway and that is terminal. But he hasn't done that.

OP He's not worthy of your love.