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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

baby daddy drama

32 replies

babyblues19 · 08/10/2015 10:04

I'm 37 weeks pregnant, due at the end of the month. My pregnancy has been a total rollercoaster of emotions and I've spent most of it crying into my pillow because of my crappy circumstances. I got pregnant by a once night stand and he said he would stick by me, a few weeks later and he left, leaving me to deal with this alone. I'm only 19 and this is all so new to me I don't know what yo expect. He has been ignoring me throughout my pregnancy and has now all of a sudden shown an interest as our baby is nearly due and its all "exciting"..he really did put me through arough ttime and never apoligised.. I'm torn between what to do now as my friends and family despise him and want me to tell him to stay out of it, I would love that too but it's not that simple as I want my child to have what he is entitled to, both parents! I don't want my child to miss out just because his father treated me badly, but at the same time I'm not sure of he will be much of a father and stick around. Its frustrating because he's not a terrible person he is just selfish and puts himself first like last week for example I asked him to contribute to the cost of the baby's things as I was going out shopping to buy them, he said he had no money and then I hear he is legless in the pub!! He has no job, sponges off his family and expects everything handed to him on a plate.. I really don't know what to do, my friends are pissed off with me for even talking to them and I don't know what the best thing would be for my child.. Please help..

OP posts:

FattyNinjaOwl · 08/10/2015 10:08

You've said yourself that your child deserves the chance of both parents. You know what the right thing to do is.
If he doesnt step up, then at least you can tell your baby that you gave him a chance. If you don't allow it, then he could tell your child when they are older that you stopped him.

And being "only 19" isnt a problem. You love this baby. You will be fine.

SharkBastard · 08/10/2015 10:14

I wouldn't let him within 10 ft of my child. He needs to apologise, show his commitment to being s father, then you can evaluate what is best for your child. A useless parent is far more damaging than an absent one, also, I would hold off putting him on the birth certificate until he has shown his capability of being a parent.

It's up to you, but just be aware, you CAN do this without the other parent, but it's your call as you know him

gamerchick · 08/10/2015 10:20

Careful you don't get wrapped up in a haze of hormones and an idea of how life should be in case you nab yourself a fully fledged cocklodger. They're very hard to remove once they've moved in.

Keep your homes seperate and work on the rest but tbh it doesn't sound as if he'll step up once the initial novelty has worn off.

Chillyegg · 08/10/2015 10:20

The baby can have both parents.

BUT DON'T get back in a relationship with this man!

You and your baby deserve the best and sometimes the best isn't being in a relationship, but for the baby to have co-parents that contribute to the child emotionally,financially etc.
Why put your self through more stress, he needs to get a job he needs to organise access and grow up.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 08/10/2015 10:31

are you thinking of a relationship or him staying whre he is and having contact?

Original poster

babyblues19 · 08/10/2015 11:28

I'm finding it difficult to know if hormones are clouding my judgment ?? I don't want a relationship with him as he hurt me so much I have spent months crying over him and he didn't care, as a result of my stress I always have high blood pressure, not that he would be concerned. I am secretly a little afraid that once I see him with my baby and he's a good dad that my soppyside would want a rrelationship, but deep down I know I'll never trust him and always resent him for what he has done..he was cheating on me for the short amount of time we were together and then shacked up with that woman when he left me..I love my baby and it's so important to me to get this right. I'm afraid of falling for him in the midst of emotions..

OP posts:

SonjasSister · 08/10/2015 12:26

Be very clear in your mind what a father is. It isn't really about the biological relationship, its about what he would bring to a child's life in practice. A father puts his kids and their needs (which include, having a happy mum). You would need to ask yourself - is this what he's offering? If not, I wouldn't be thinking of him as a father. How do you think he understands the word? Biology is a teeny part and not even necessary, as many stepdads are great fathers

SonjasSister · 08/10/2015 12:27

Puts his kid's needs first, that is, obviously!

Offred · 08/10/2015 13:32

I had my first at 20.

Do not worry about 'only being' 19. Everyone at any age finds becoming a parent stressful. Everyone of every age needs help and support. Some more than others and usually entirely unrelated to the age they are - usually more related to what is going on in their life and for a huge variety of reasons.

Don't let anyone ever let you feel as though being a younger mother means you will be a crapper mother. It simply isn't true and tbh, as I'm sure many women will tell you, being a mother in such an un-childfriendly society, sadly means there is often hostility directed towards you for any spurious reason people can grasp onto - youth means irresponsible, maturity means disabled babies, wealth means baby will be spoiled, poverty means you should never have had kids etc do not take these judgements to heart.

Find your own confidence from real things - your relationship with your baby.

I think with regard to the baby's dad I'd give the following advice;

You are not responsible for his behaviour. You cannot make him better than he is. You aren't responsible if he chooses to be shit. It is his responsibility. It is within his control.

Your baby needs a stable and loving environment and a secure attachment to their primary carer to develop well emotionally. If the baby has that from you, he will weather unstable parenting from his father (which you are not responsible for and can't change). So, for your baby, do not take him back under the misapprehension that what the baby needs is two parents living together. He doesn't. He needs whoever he lives with to bond with him and care for him and be as happy and secure as they can be themselves.

I think the 'trick' here really is to have boundaries based on the reality of your relationship to the father. He was a one night stand. You tried to have a relationship because of the pregnancy and he was a shit. Therefore you behave towards him as is appropriate for a one night stand. You have no contact until the baby is born, you notify him of the birth and when things are settled down to the point where you can handle seeing him you offer him the opportunity to meet his child. Things then go from there.

In reality this man is someone you had sex with. If the baby hadn't happened you might never have seen him again. You have separate parenting roles right from the beginning of the baby's life (which is totally fine btw) and if you try to make things any different from this reality it will not work.

I know that's probably tough to hear with being hormonal and pregnant with his baby but I think really you know if you'd wanted a relationship with him (baby aside) he wouldn't just have been a ONS.

Offred · 08/10/2015 13:42

Basically, the route to security in this situation is to see the baby's dad for what he is, not what you would like him to be, and act accordingly. Never stop expecting him to behave like a father but don't make you and your son dependent on him doing so and certainly never get involved in trying to prop up his parenting. Especially atm. The baby is not born yet. He is not yet a father. It is ALL about you right now. He is not your partner and is not behaving supportively so he does not get to be involved just yet - you only need people in your life who are there to support you right now.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2015 14:12

As a former midwife let me urge you with all my heart do not let him into the delivery room. Emotions run high, he will act the big daddy and you will be left sad and bewildered when he reverts to form soon afterwards.

I suppose he is entitled to some type of contact but it should be supervised , short and hopefully on neutral territory. Sadly I doubt he will keep it up and you need to be prepared for him to cause heartache given half a chance.

I would say no contact until after the birth. Concentrate on you and your baby. Gather good support and love around you. Send a text afterwards and state your terms. Consider whether he has family who might start making demands and consider what your response would be. If you aren't up to it ask someone else to deal with all this. Keep it very low key for several weeks after the birth and do not allow yourself to be bullied into anything you do not want.

He's shown you what he is like plenty already. Keep that in mind because sadly, he's unlikely to change.

Original poster

babyblues19 · 08/10/2015 17:08

Thanks for all the advice, it's appreciated! Its so frustrating that I'm still allowing him to be involved, I'm doing it for the sake of my child and my child only. I won't lie though, it's so hard going through pregnancy without a relationship, someone who can be there for you and help you through it..I feel like I'm caring for this baby but who is going to care for me? I get days where I can't wait to meet my baby and other days where I just want to throw myself of a bridge. I'm scared for my future, I'm worried I'll be single and not meet someone cause men may see my child as "baggage" which is why I'm scared that I might take him back if I'm lonely??

OP posts:

FattyNinjaOwl · 08/10/2015 17:20

If any man sees your child as baggage then they are obviously not the right man for you. If someone likes you enough then whether or not you already have a child will not alter their opinion of you.

I won't lie, it can be lonely. But if you surround yourself with friends and family you will get through. I don't think you should be letting baby's dad be involved until after the birth though. You need to be stress free. Once the baby is born then he can see baby on your terms. Especially while in the newborn stage. And have someone else there when contact happens, so that you arent alone with him and you don't start thinking how things "might have been"

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/10/2015 17:22

You say he's not a terrible person but he clearly is. He is an absolute piece of shit. You two don't need to be in a relationship but you are the mother of his child and he has some responsibilities toward you and the baby. He is shirking every last one. He will not change.

And absolutely no to letting him in the delivery room, like MatildatheCat says. He wants to play act the family man when there's an audience and in all likelihood wants to get off on seeing you in pain and indignity. Have your mother or best friend there, someone who will actually be supportive and realises it's about you and the baby, not them.

mulberrybag · 08/10/2015 17:37

It's SO much lonelier being in a relationship with someone like this pretend man than being a single parent. I've been there. Yes you are young but you WILL cope! You have come onto a site where you will (& have already) receive amazing advice. Please, please know that the women that have already posted on your thread are the voices of reason, and take the advice you are being given. Please don't entertain being with this shit of a human being he will only disappoint you time and time again. Read and re read what offred has written and please take the advice on here. You and your baby deserve a life of love, with commitment and kindness from a partner not some idiot scumbag wannabe dad. good luck

Original poster

babyblues19 · 08/10/2015 18:11

Thanks to you all, ye are amazing!! Yes I'll definitely have my mother with me, she's such an amazing woman and has done so much for me, I wouldn't want to share that experience with anyone else! So do ye think I should ignore him till the baby is here? There is still a few things I need to buy but he has been using the excuse that "he's owed money" and doesn't have it right now so I don't know how I'm going to pay for the rest of the stuff and it seems unfair that he more than likely won't pay a penny. Shortly after he left me after i got pregnant he popped back into the picture saying he misses me and wants a family but he doesn't know whether to pick me or the other girl cause he didn't want to end up alone..needless to say he picked the other girl and dashed my hopes again and ironically that girl left him which is probably why he's contacting me again..I guess all I can do is give him yetanother chance and if he messes up tthen that's his loss. Again, he wants the child to have his second name which I really don't want and also he wants to be on birth cert.. Any thoughts on that??

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 08/10/2015 18:17

You go to register the child alone and give it your name. He cant do anything about it, the only way his name will be added is if a) he goes with you (dont tell him when you are going and get it done ASAP after the birth) or b) if he gets a court order which is expensive and time consuming.

IdaShaggim · 08/10/2015 18:19

If you are in the UK, I would quietly register the birth on your own so he can't go on the certificate. It gives you more control, especially if he does revert to form and flake out of your baby's life.

I absolutely, totally, 100%, would not give his surname to the baby. Non-negotiable.

FattyNinjaOwl · 08/10/2015 18:21

My personal opinion, baby gets whatever name you want and he only goes on BC if he steps up to the plate. Give him 6 months or so and if he has been consistent and a good dad then he can have his name put on. If he fucks about, ums and aws, doesn't pay etc. Then imo he has no right to be called dad.

Offred · 08/10/2015 18:45

Being on the birth certificate means he will have parental responsibility. It means he will have to be consulted about every decision that is made about your child. He will have to give permission for you to go on holiday abroad with the DC.

In these circumstances no-one can tell you what to do. I made sure my eldest two had their dad's last name and that he was on the birth certificate because I wanted to be clear he was expected to be a father and because we had been in a 4 year relationship and were at the time of the birth. I also have great sympathy for the argument that he should only be given parental responsibility if he is acting as a responsible father when it is a conception outside of an established relationship between the parents.

You need to do what's best for the baby really I think. Not what he wants you to do. If you feel it is best for the baby to have your name and him not be on the birth certificate and the only reason you are considering changing this plan is because of pressure then I think stick with what you decided.

Offred · 08/10/2015 18:47

And re no-one wanting a single mother. I have 4 children. I married my husband when I was a single parent to 2, had twins with him and left him. I've been with my childless boyfriend for nearly 3 years. People who don't want you with a child aren't right for a single mother, there are other men who will want you but it's ok to be alone too you know?

Offred · 08/10/2015 18:48

My kids are 10, 9 and 6 (twins) in a couple of weeks.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/10/2015 18:57

If there's one thing that makes me swoon, it's a man who, after getting me pregnant, refuses to be supportive, makes excuses about money, pops back in saying he'd sort of like a family but can't decide between me and someone else, fucks off and then, when she dumps him, decides I might do after all.

He sure has a way with the ladies.

Original poster

babyblues19 · 08/10/2015 20:11

I agree, he is an absolute idiot but unfortunately I made a stupid decision myself by having sex with him and dealing with him is now a punishment for that. I'm nervous about his family, they are very pushy and will probably expect a lot from me..I'm thinking of allowing him 2 days a week, supervised by me in my home and his family can also visit on his days..is that fair? He will go mad when he isn't on the birth cert or the child doesn't have his name..I explained to him that I want the child to have my name in which he replied "its my child too"...

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 08/10/2015 20:18

I really don't think you should give him a second chance to be your partner, but I do think you should leave the door open for him to be a father to your child.

Do legally pursue him for the financial support of your child.

"2 days a week" is a bit vague. I would say something like "between 2pm and 4pm at my house on a Tuesday and a Saturday". Can your mum be there to supervise so that you can keep yourself busy elsewhere in the house? (Nap, housework etc).

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