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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband got found out

32 replies

zannyminxoxox · 08/10/2015 09:45

My husband suffers bipolar he has had it for about 5 and 1/2 years now. His bipolar makes him impulse buy, which costs us hundreds of pounds it first started off with him buying things off ebay, which then escalated into many parcels coming every day, which was ridiculous and they would be silly pointless buys that he nwver used anyway. He goes through alot of hobbies, tattooing, collecting insects, fishing, growing plants, circuit board making, making scooter engines they are just a few. These hobbies only last a few months then were left with the hoard of atuff he has brought for them. I had my last straw last year when he was buying guns ones that were real but werr deactivated. He lied about how much they cost which altogether cost £500. We have two children and ade not exactly well off. Plus he had stopped paying the rent and we had got into debt. His mum was a life saver and helped us out the debt
For this we split up for 3 months. He came back as I love him and he promised me he wouldnt lie again and he would discuss his purchases with me as he is not rational on what he spends money on. Well anyway its been a year now since we got back together, we have had no more ebay parcels unless discussed. He has a new hobby which is pellet rifles he goes to a club twice a week we agreed he could get an air rifle and a pistol to use at the club but that was it nothing else. Well anyway I have found our he has been buying things off facebook. He came home with another gun and a scope. He said the gun was the clubs gun, which i didn't believe so he swore on our childrens lives that it was the clubs gun he was borrowing, so I believed him. So the other day I still had a guy feeling he brought the gun. I dont usually snoop but I went on his facebook and he had put a picture of a totally different gun to his friend in inbox and said check out my new rifle. It had our wallpaper and table in the picture so I knew it was his. I confronted him he said he was juat makjng out it was his. I said about the wallpaper and table and he admitted he brought one and I said I suppose tou brpught ur so called club gun aswell and he said yes I did. I was furious I was so angry I kicked him out how could he lie to my face and swear on our childrens lives that he hadnt brought it when he had. This means he has 4 guns now I really dont see the need im so sick of this impulse buying and the lies that go woth it I literally cant take it anymore. Were having another baby due next april and all he cares about is buying stuff for himself. We never go out as apparently we have no money. I took over the bills as last time he got us into debt so all the moeny I have goes on the bills and food and stuff for the kids. I dont know whether to take him back. I think if I do its going to be more lies im still so hurt by what he has done at the minute I dont want him back but I think about my children and how they will not have their dad around everyday as he is a good father to them and our unborn child will only know him as a part time dad.

OP posts:
mintbiscuit · 08/10/2015 10:49

Sorry Zanny but I may have not read this correctly. Your dh has been buying guns? Real guns but deactivated? Sorry if I'm being a bit naive here but is that legal? How do you know they are deactivated? Does this not concern you with children in the house?

You say he is a good father but everything you have said in your post indicates otherwise. I appreciate he has bipolar but this does not sound like a very stable environment for your children to grow up in. Is his condition being managed with meds? Does he need to be reviewed again?

Doublebubblebubble · 08/10/2015 10:54

You can buy replica guns afaik (is that what you mean op??)

Firstly Flowers it sounds tough.

Secondly. You have to do what's best for you and your children. You've been apart before and I'm sure that it was horrible but he isn't being at all responsible. X

Doublebubblebubble · 08/10/2015 10:55

Also, I'd put your hoard of stuff back onto ebay. Dont keep stuff it.

Floppy5885 · 08/10/2015 10:59

Yes put the hoard of items he's bought back on ebay or FB to sell

Don't have him back

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/10/2015 11:15

Boot him out.
He will never change
Run like a hurricane and don't look back.

Anastasie · 08/10/2015 11:16

I think it would make practical sense for you and him to live apart and have totally separate finances.

He could still come and see your children every day if he wanted to.

He will be able to get some benefits if he has bipolar disorder, including DLA hopefully, and housing paid for if he can't afford it.

You will know where your money is going. Close any joint accounts. Separate in all practical ways. Maintain totally separate finances. I think you may have to look into what you can do legally though as there may be issues with benefits if you still have a relationship yet live separately.

Please seek some advice, there should be a benefits advisor somewhere who will tell you what you can and can't do, if it is relevant to your situation.

If benefits are not involved then do what you like - but whatever you choose, relationshipwise, make sure your money is totally separate from his and that the children's right to having enough of what they need, are protected.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 08/10/2015 11:18

A good father looks after their children.
He not one.
Get rid and look after you or your life will always be like this.

MushroomMama · 08/10/2015 11:23

Bi polar or not he's being incredibly selfish and a liar.

I honestly don't think it's going to change as he's done it before. I'd get some real life support like your family?

Sell the stuff and recoup as much money as you can for the kids

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/10/2015 12:29

Why do lying men always swear on their childrens' lives?? I see it again and again on MN.

OP. I could forgive the impulse buying - but the lying to your face? No.

NettleTea · 08/10/2015 12:36

does he get any help for his bipolar?

ForChina · 08/10/2015 12:47

He's mentally unstable and has guns. Do you know they are actually deactivated OP or is that another lie he has told you.

I would be getting myself and my children away from this man SO quickly - especially as your children's lives are so meaningless to him that he could swear on them whilst knowing he was lying.

cleaty · 08/10/2015 12:55

Is he not taking medication to manage his bipolar? This should have stopped this kind of behaviour.

Muckogy · 08/10/2015 13:01

jesus.
never take him back. never, ever, ever.
he'll keep you all poor and you'll have nothing. he'll have you all out homeless on the street, if he can.
i realise he's ill but he's a twat. these two things are not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
zannyminxoxox · 08/10/2015 13:07

The guns are replica they have certificates stating so the guns werebkept away from the children and locked up thw deactivated guns have now gone but have pellet rifles which are legal

OP posts:
Original poster
zannyminxoxox · 08/10/2015 13:11

My husband would never hurt our children or put them in danger he loves them completely and them him.

OP posts:
Fannyupcrutch · 08/10/2015 13:11

I am bipolar and now EXACTLY what you mean about the buying sprees. I am shocking for it. I have 20 mini ornamental watering cans in a bin bag that will testify to my need to buy shite. Incidentally, they are in the drawer next to my 15000 scrabble tiles and 25 used , second hand carboard wool cones and 32 unused notebooks ( and lots more) . I have had many many obsessions and always need to have a "thing" to focus on.

The fact that he is lying to you is unacceptable but to be perfectly honest I would be more worried that he is focusing on GUNS. Forget that it's an air rifle, they still have the capacity to cause massive damage. Bipolar people can not get a license to own a "proper" gun, and for very good reason. We have poor impulse control, as proven by his spending habits. A person with very poor impulse control should not have access to weapons of ANY sort. And definitely not around kids. I wouldn't allow any sort of weapon in my house, even my ex-husbands axe had to be locked in the shed. I have a paring knife and a santoku knife for the kitchen and that is it. I don't doubt my sanity, I would never ever hurt somebody intentionally.......but when I am manic, I have very little control over ANYTHING. And if I am manic and obsessed with a certain thing, what do you think I am going to be carrying around with me, or focused on when I am in a very unstable state?

In short, I would not have ME around my own children under those circumstances. And deffo not if I had a collection of air rifles! you need to get him out of your home, your children's safety and the ability to keep a roof over your heads is way more important. I urge you to speak to somebody at the gun club and make sure they know 100% that he has a mood disorder and also impulse control issues. I might even go speak to the local police station and ask their advice.

Anastasie · 08/10/2015 13:19

I do think that bringing up children in a house where someone like this is allowed to behave so badly, is asking for trouble in terms of their behaviour later and is also extremely bad for them.

Seeing him a few times a week would be far better for them - they would have somewhere stable and safe to call home, with a mother who was in control, enough money for things they need and they could still see their dad when they wanted to.

How do you think he would respond to being asked to stay living separately?

Anastasie · 08/10/2015 13:20

Fanny, what a fantastic, brave and helpful post. I salute you for that.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2015 13:27

Great post from Fanny. OP, I may be wrong but bipolar does not make someone into a liar. ( one of my best friends is bipolar). Of course he lies to cover his shame but also he is completely unable to prioritise his family over his obsessions.

Is his illness properly supervised? He sounds as if his medication could do with a review at the very least. Until he can behave like an adult I'm afraid I would be living separately and forcing him to take responsibility for his actions.

ForChina · 08/10/2015 14:36

My husband would never hurt our children or put them in danger he loves them completely and them him.

He swore on their lives, OP. I just don't think you swear the on the lives of someone you 'love completely' unless you are putting yourself before them, and that is not 'complete love'.

Original poster
zannyminxoxox · 08/10/2015 16:48

I understand what you are saying. I thinknpeople are going crazy about these guns he has. The guns are locked away and only come out when he has gun club or he goes round his friends. If i didnt think he was going to be safe with them I certainly would not allow them round my children! Yes he has manic moments but he doesn't hurt anyone in these manic moments and if he did im sure it would be quicker for him to grab a knife out the kitchen rather than have to go and unlock the gun cupboard and then unlock them out the case. he either goes seriously depressed, where he wants to do harm to himself by overdose or on a mega high where he is intensely happy. I have considered living separately but wouldn't that make him worse. I do believe in marriage and it should be for better or worse but like I say its not about what he is buying its the amount he is buying and the lying. And when he had the deactivated guns the police were informed and they are legel and they know he had bipolar but they have gone now. I didnt write this post for people to tell me about the safety of guns I know all about that. And I agree that his meds definately need reviewing. And he swore on the kids lives to me to hide his guilt which is totally wrong yes thats why im hurt but he does love his kids I wont have anyone say that he doesn't and my children are not aware of his bipolar they are 3 and 2.

OP posts:
SonceyD0g · 08/10/2015 16:54

Some bipolar people do lie. A lot.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 08/10/2015 17:31

If he wants to hurt himself when he is low, aren't guns a bad idea? Hmm I think maybe you are minimising a bit. I don't think you mean harm. Quite the reverse but you may be making the issues worse by enabling him, ill or not. Time to get tough. Separate finances. Guns GONE. Speak to the gun club and drag him to the doctor.

Original poster
zannyminxoxox · 08/10/2015 17:46

I have spoken to him we are going to speak to his counsellor about it. They are not real guns! They are pellet guns! We have discussed moving all finances in my name and all money in my bank he has agreed as he has admitted he is out of control and he said it started from when his grandma died a few months ago . As all was good for a year after 3 month split. Until now so will see after meeting with counsellor where to go from there. He hasn't been that low for a while as he has his meds upped

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2015 18:09

In your position I think I would be looking at a temporary separation. He has to take responsibility for his own actions. You simply watching him like a hawk and being in charge of the finances is infantilising him and land you with another child. A sulky, untruthful one at that.

Until he decides to change and take control I can't see anything improving. You have moved your stance throughout this thread, your OP is understandably furious and despairing. Now you are defending him to some degree. Of course you are conflicted: he has an illness and you love him but his behaviour is certainly not conducive to a happy marriage and this might as well be the catalyst. If not and you go back with a few weak promises he will soon start up again. More lies, more debt, more broken promises.

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