8 weeks pregnant and he wants me to have an abortion

[whatnext37]

Hey
I'm not even sure if this is the place for it but I just feel alone and need someone to talk to.
I am pregnant. It is the result of a one night stand.
I have in the past had some concerns around my reproductive health, I lost an ovary about 10 years ago, and more recently had to have surgery to remove a fibroid that grew to 9 pounds.
I have never tried to get pregnant, and I thought we had been safe in using condoms although I now believe the guy may have taken his chances.
I've been straight with the guy from the off and we met face to face tonight. He is desperate for me to terminate. He has threatened all sorts of nasty stuff and says he will do anything to make sure I don't have the baby.
I just feel so afraid of what to do next.
I want this baby so badly but i don;t want it to grow up feeling unwanted. I don't want it to be born into a conflict environment.
He says I should be happy that now I know I can get pregnant I should terminate and find a proper relationship. Boy. I wish that was my situation but I already feel connected to this little one and what if this really is my only chance? Just because it happened easily this time doesn;t mean it would again. He says i am ruining his life. I feel awful. Am I being cruel having this child in these circumstances? Is the kindest thing to terminate? Being a single mum will be hard but i really want this baby. Oh, i'm sorry, I just thought i might find someone on here who had been in a similar situation.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

I love it. He chose to have unprotected sex with you (lying about it), and YOU ruined his life. Oh, he's just a passive victim of your wicked feminine wiles.

Nothing he shares about that night can compare to the fact that he lied about wearing a condom and is now trying to pressure and threaten you into an abortion. You had enjoyable sex, no shame. He's a liar and a blackmailer (that's illegal, you know - tell the police) - shame forever.

Springy - because lying to the DC and keeping them completely away from XP would have kept them innocent of who he is. They are most at risk if they do not experience it for themselves. I'm sure you can understand why telling them is not good enough.

Teenagers are vulnerable, they like to rebel, it makes them more vulnerable to give them a precisely controlled and negative narrative entirely from you about their dad who is then free to turn up full of plausible sounding crap about being kept away and you being a liar and full of offers of rebellion ready made.

The DC then only find out the truth when they have been put very badly at risk or they stick with him and his story of being kept away - which in that case would be the truth.

My kids are growing up knowing his limitations as a father, he is parenting them and being forced to recognise his limitations as a father as a consequence. Keeping them apart and bad mouthing XP would not have been sensible at all and they have benefitted from his (small) contribution.

It's a sure fire way of ensuring that the DC idealise their father and that he never learns what is involved in parenting IMO.

Please do not take the advice of lying to him about having an abortion. Your dc may want to find him later on in life and it will not go well. Just cut contact but don't play games.

I really have no experience or great advice to offer you. But don't let this man bully you into something you don't want to do. Get yourself some support through family/friends/police/a counsellor. And make a decision for you and you only.

I do agree with the posters saying do not lie. I couldn't live my life constantly looking over my shoulder like that.

Thanks everyone. Yes, I won't be lying. Honesty is always the best policy. He has been in touch and wants to talk again, I've said only on phone and he acknowledged that his temper got the benefit of him last time. I will hear him out as long as he stays rational, he deserves that - but I will also stand strong. I'm not a walkover and I need stay focused on what my heart feels. Thanks so much to all of you. It's been an amazing help so far. I'm speaking to him this weekend. I'm hoping he may finally accept that I'm having these baby and re-calibrate his thinking. I just need to ensure his words don't affect me so much this time! Much love to you all ??

You don't let anyone pressure you into anything and certainly not ending your child's life, and making the wrong decision will haunt you forever, and you will never get over it.
He doesn't want the baby, fine off he jolly well pops. It's his loss. Not yours. How dare he be so stupid with contraception go around getting women pregnant and then tell them to have an abortion.
You really do not need this wanking pricking arse hole in your life, and your child certainly doesn't. Get rid of him and stay rid of him.
Oh congratulations.

Whatnext please talk only in a public place, this man has been very out of order and threatened you.

Do not see him in private, he may well try threatening again and to coerce.

I hate to say this part but stop hoping and thinking he may recalibrate his thinking.

It will only make his words hurt more if he has not and given his behaviour so far he is more likely to be playing nice to sweet talk you into what he wants.

If you go in thinking you know what you want and will do it alone then hopefully he will surprise you in a good way.

But if you go in hoping and he is not surprising in a good way then that will make you upset, stressed and more vulnerable towards his threats and promises.

springydaffs said this earlier One sperm doesn't make a father

It is very true.

If he wants to be a dad, once he has proven himself sincere and sorry and aghast at his own threats that is one thing.

Right now you are vulnerable to him.

I know men who are fantastic dads and contributed no sperm to their little ones.

Likewise ones who contributed sperm and nothing more.

I swear, I'm so glad I know so many fantastic men in real life because MN is enough to make me wonder where the fuck the actual men are. All these useless, whining, wibbling, freeloading drips. Lie about wearing a condom then whinge because the girl is pregnant. Can't decide whether they want a relationship or not and boinging back and forth with their thumbs up their arses. Threatening to ruin people rather than manning up with a little personal accountability. Irresponsible, indecisive, cowardly, craven, selfish, sponging and downright thick as pigshit. I never feel such contempt as I do when I hear about these gutless, witless wet blankets. Who quite simply, in the words of Destiny's Child, don't know what a man's about.

If he can't act like a man, don't pretend he is one. He's not worthy of the name.

I agree that if you talk, do it in person and in a public place. Set your phone to record the conversation if you can, just in case he makes any threats. And maybe have a friend that he doesnt know sitting nearby and see if they can record too.

I know that seems OTT but with a man who will, in his own words, do anything to make sure you dont have this baby, you can not be too careful.

Hi my dd is the product of a ons, was obviously a shock at the time (she is 9yo now) my situation was different to yours as I contacted the father when I was a few months pregnant to tell him and offer him the chance to be involved if he wished. I got a reply after dd was born (by letter) to say that thanks but no thanks he thought it best I didn't contact him again and he didn't want to be a father thanks very much

As it has turned out I think he did us a favour and we have been able to get on with our lives.

Being a single parent is tough at times but I feel incredibly lucky to have my lovely dd.

Honesty is always the best policy.

No! No it isn't! Sometimes one has to be canny. I'm not at all saying you should lie - that is your choice - but please, please don't think that being good and honourable and fair wins the day. It really doesn't. Eg 'he deserves that at least' - no he doesn't!!

Offred I see your point/s entirely. But I'm sorry to say the worst happened in my family and I can't see it the way you do bcs of my experiences. Your reasoning is sound but didn't prevent the worst happening in my case.

You don't need to talk to him about this. He's not your partner and he does not get a say. Work out what you want on your own. It sounds like you already have - the beautiful baby that is growing in you and that you will love more than you have ever loved anyone or anything. The baby that you will look at and think 'I can't believe I ever even considered it for a second' and the thought that they might not have existed will be the most unthinkable thing you can ever imagine. xx

I'd be afraid this man would hurt the child after it's born. You don't know him and what you do know of him doesn't come across as good. Please be careful.

Agree with the consensus here. Im pro choice but thats the key word here.....CHOICE. Its your body your choice your baby OP

And i think hes also a tight bastard whos scared of having to pay Child Support.

He sounds very abusive