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Original poster

8 weeks pregnant and he wants me to have an abortion

66 replies

whatnext37 · 07/10/2015 22:33

Hey
I'm not even sure if this is the place for it but I just feel alone and need someone to talk to.
I am pregnant. It is the result of a one night stand.
I have in the past had some concerns around my reproductive health, I lost an ovary about 10 years ago, and more recently had to have surgery to remove a fibroid that grew to 9 pounds.
I have never tried to get pregnant, and I thought we had been safe in using condoms although I now believe the guy may have taken his chances.
I've been straight with the guy from the off and we met face to face tonight. He is desperate for me to terminate. He has threatened all sorts of nasty stuff and says he will do anything to make sure I don't have the baby.
I just feel so afraid of what to do next.
I want this baby so badly but i don;t want it to grow up feeling unwanted. I don't want it to be born into a conflict environment.
He says I should be happy that now I know I can get pregnant I should terminate and find a proper relationship. Boy. I wish that was my situation but I already feel connected to this little one and what if this really is my only chance? Just because it happened easily this time doesn;t mean it would again. He says i am ruining his life. I feel awful. Am I being cruel having this child in these circumstances? Is the kindest thing to terminate? Being a single mum will be hard but i really want this baby. Oh, i'm sorry, I just thought i might find someone on here who had been in a similar situation.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

OP posts:
loveliesbleeding1 · 08/10/2015 09:59

Just to echo what everyone has said, and to wish you the very best of luck, you don't have to have any more contact with that jerk.Its an old fashioned saying, but where there is life, there is hope.SmileFlowers

Inthelookingglass · 08/10/2015 10:04

Yep raising a child by yourself is tough, really tough. There is no support at 4am when your eye balls are hanging out and your baby is screaming or when your both ill. Then you have to consider the financial side of it. It costs a lot. And it does effect your career - that's if you have one. Tax credits will be abolished soon so people claiming any benefits will start to struggle. It's no easy ride being a single parent, you have to be massively sure your mature enough to nurture a small person and be able to afford it.

I know all the because I had a baby at a very young age and raised her by myself and made every mistake going. Is she worth it ? Absolutely she is twenty now and a brilliant young lady but it was a hard slog and at times very lonely.

Personally I would report these threats to the police - just to let this guy know your not some walk over that he can bully because if you do keep this pregnancy you could be in for a battle of wills with this bloke because even though he is a dick he still has rights too . So while it's ok posters saying ' it's your body do want you want' - you also have to consider years of being attached to this man and putting your child in a position where is father wanted him dead and is clearly a bully.

Think very hard about this as it will effect your whole life for ever. It's not very nice explaining to you child why his/her dad doesn't want to see/spend time with them.

Good luck

SharkBastard · 08/10/2015 10:19

I had a child as a result of a fuck buddy relationship. He threatened me on numerous occasions, nothing ever came of his threats. My DD is 7 now, and a wonderful child. It can be tough at times, but parenting is tough at times regardless. I'm now married and will be TTC in a few months, she adores her dad and has never formally met her father although she has seen him in the street, I always wave.

I have always been open about the differences between father and dad.

It really boils down to you and your decision, how you will cope, how he will behave following the birth etc. DD doesn't have a fathers name on her birth certificate, that makes life much easier for passports etc.

Good luck with whatever decision you make

Twitterqueen · 08/10/2015 10:26

I would suggest some counselling. As everyone has said here, it's your choice, your body.

My impression from your post is that you really want to keep this baby but you are scared of the fallout with the guy. But you don't have to keep him in your life if you don't want to.

How would you feel if you lost the baby? Would thinking about that help at all?

didofido · 08/10/2015 18:10

Never, never let ANYONE force you to have an abortion you don't want. It could mess up your mental health big time.

And you could be right, given your health history, this might be your only chance.

magoria · 08/10/2015 18:23

If you want this child and are prepared to go it alone.

I suggest.

You lie. Tell him yes you had an abortion. Then cut all contact and have nothing to do with him again.

NumbBlaseCold · 08/10/2015 19:47

Do what's best for you, if you want the baby then have the baby.

Do speak to the Police about this, it may not paint you in good light to some people but then it will speak worse volumes about him and his attempts to blackmail you.

Make sure you text/email if you do speak so that you have a written record.

If you keep the baby then do not involve him in anything, do not even update him on anything, if he changes his mind in months or years cross that bridge then.

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 20:42

Yes, good plan to lie. Then he will never be in your life again - and that's what you and your dc want. Some fathers are better off not being in a child's life, no question. He is a thug and a bully. He should have thought about this outcome when he dipped in his dick without protection. (Talking of which, you're going to have to get an sti test to be on the safe side. Sorry, but good to get this checked out earlier rather than later.)

Yes it's hard bringing up a baby alone but, as a pp said, bringing up a baby is hard anyway!

Do you see him around, is he part of your social circle? Do you have family support? Is it possible you could move?

It is totally your choice what you do, he is just a thug, get him out of your life. You really want this baby and I don't think you could bear to lose it, esp with the difficulties you've had.

Congratulations btw Smile Flowers

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 20:43

And, yes, speak to the police about it.

Offred · 08/10/2015 20:53

I would never lie about something like this...

Your child will have a right to know who his/her father is and to either expect a relationship or answers about why there is no relationship.

I don't think it is right at all to deprive him of any opportunity to be a father - that is deliberately depriving your child of that opportunity.

A dad that is risky is a dad you need to act protectively and defensively around but only in the most extreme circa is completely excluding him justifiable IMO.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/10/2015 21:03

Congratulations Flowers

Block him . And don't take this bullying . Can you make it clear that you won't ask for support and won't make him on the birth certificate and then rinse him forever ? Agree with making a diary of his threats

NameChange30 · 08/10/2015 21:05

I don't think lying is a good idea either. It gets him off your back in the short run but it would be awful if he found out later and was angry, threatening etc. It would also completely close off the option of future contact, which may or may not be the right thing for your child, but it would be good to at least keep it as an option for now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/10/2015 21:34

I would also be wary of lying - as you will be basically living a lie ! Never a good thing

Good luck xxxx

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:42

If your DC doesn't get to understand their father for themselves they will be more at risk IMO. Xp's dad swung in at 13 and gave him cocaine and booze. My neighbour's x kidnapped her two little ones when off his face.

I'm a firm believer that if a parent is shit the child has a right to find out for themselves and this process can help protect them when they are no longer dependent on you. What you need to do is protect them from the damage but not from the experience IMO. And yes that is difficult and traumatic to watch your child going through but my nightmare was always XP turning up in teen time and enticing my DC with tall tales.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:45

That does not mean he gets any kind of access that is unsafe btw. If he is not safe at all that's the explanation you have for your DC.

Offred · 08/10/2015 21:47

Contact can be had in a supervised contact centre, can be by phone or letter. It does not have to be you handing a baby over to a dangerous man for the night but there is a difference between completely excluding him with lies and him demonstrating that he is/isn't safe.

springydaffs · 08/10/2015 21:54

One sperm doesn't make a father. This 'man' has made it very clear he has no intention of being a father - and has brought nothing but anguish to date. And clearly plans to carry on doing the same.

Sometimes we have to be canny to carve out a peaceful space when it is crucial to get it. You can pick it up later, if you choose, Sunshine, but for now you and your baby need peace . This 'man' has no intention of giving it to you.

So to lie would get him off your back. What you do once you and your baby are ( well ) settled is your choice. Of course your baby has the right to know who his biological father is at some point - but not necessarily now or in the first period of his/her life. You certainly don't need the anguish and upset of this thug in your life while you carry, give birth to, nurture and settle him/her. You both need peace.

Offred · 08/10/2015 22:01

I agree with that completely. Not now and not immediately postnatally.

I just don't agree that a father should ever be deliberately and totally excluded before he has even had a chance to be a father (before the baby is born).

expatinscotland · 08/10/2015 22:02

I would report this man to the police. What an arsehole! Make you have an STI screening, too.

Offred · 08/10/2015 22:04

Yes, begin creating support. Speak to the police on 101 and see what they say about the whole thing.

Bogeyface · 09/10/2015 00:24

I have to admit that my first instinct was to lie and agree to an abortion but to not have it.

Sometimes you need to protect yourself in the short term to allow yourself time to think about what to do in the longterm.

How feasible that is though in terms of who you know, who he knows, whether he would find out, etc is a different matter.

chitofftheshovel · 09/10/2015 00:50

You want this babby, hey! Therefore you keep her/him growing in you and then nurture your baby/toddler/pre-schooler/ etc. Yes, it's tough on your own but totally doable and there are even lots of benefits - it's your way or the highway. And actually it's easier on your own than with a dick of a "partner" who does fuck all.
I do speak from experience. When I fell with my first me and his dad had been together all of 6 days. Nearly every member of my my family wrote to me to say, basically, get rid. I didn't! Was a healthy 22 year old, but with pro-choice views I guess. Anyway. I now have a 10 year old and eight year old (same dad, we struggled on that long) and would not be without them. They have honestly made me a better person! Good luck, and happy days.

springydaffs · 09/10/2015 01:17

my nightmare was always XP turning up in teen time and enticing my DC with tall tales.

Precisely. So, unequivocally, why run the risk. What for? I get it kids need to know who their biological father is but under the tightest tightest control. Some of these men are nasty so why would we feed our kids to them. Why do we suspend, ignore, what is as plain as day: that they are bad people and bad for our kids. Why should they need to find that out for themselves? Why don't we just tell them? Not dissing the NRP is usually the right thing to do but in some circumstances normal rules simply don't apply.

magiccatlitter · 09/10/2015 03:16

This guy is a stranger and could be psycho. You just don't know. Protecting yourself and your unborn child trumps any so called rights he has.

Lie to him and say you had the abortion then completely cut him out of your life.

And yes you can certainly live with a lie that protects your unborn child. People lie all the time about all sorts of things and manage just fine.

PainAuChocolat23 · 09/10/2015 06:04

whatnext37 i could of written your post word for word as my ex did the very same as yours trying to pressure me into an abortion i didnt want and said now id fell pregnant it would be okay as i know i can have kids ( i had bad pcos). And likewise i thought what if this was my only chance to have a child. He wanted sex after i nearly miscarried at 4 months pregnant and when i refused he didnt speak to me again and hasnt done to this day. He ignored all my appointment texts that i sent and as a result i didnt inform him of the birth i left it to the csa.
Skip forward 4 months and im looking at my gorgeous baby son sleep as i type this. Yes im a single mum and yes its the hardest thing ive ever done but my son was wanted by me and that was enough for me to say no to the abortion. You say you want this baby and that is enough in my eyes to continue with the pregnancy. I wish you all the luck in the world Flowers pm me if you would like to talk x