Cried all the way home tonight and just see a life of loneliness ahead

[feelingroughlove]

I don't want to bleat on in self-pity...but I am feeling pretty low tonight.

I know it's been said before by many others, but the one thing missing from my life is a relationship. I'm 30. I've had long-term relationships in the past. I don't feel unable to be in a relationship. I have friends. I enjoy my job. I'm busy 90% of the time either meeting a friend, doing my own thing, seeing family or online dating. When I'm on dates they (so far!) have all requested a second date, and I enjoy the company, but there's nobody I want to commit to. What I'm trying to say is that I put myself out there as much as I can (aside from the classic 'take up a hobby' advice - I genuinely don't have a particular hobby and when I'm not with other people I'm watching my soaps, reading or shopping).

But I'm lonely. And tonight I cried all the way back from work because despite being around people the majority of my waking hours, despite having lots and lots to do, and great connections with friends, I am lonely. I am, dare I say it, happier and content in a relationship than I am when I'm alone.

I am starting to resent the advice I often see on here about 'embrace this time of your life' etc, because I HAVE done that. Yes, my life is great in mnay many ways. I'm aware of that and I appreciate aspects of it usually. But sometimes the lonliness is too much. At the end of a night everyone goes home to someone. They cook for someone else. They put their kids to bed. They have 'family days.' They are building relationships with a husband that hopefully last for life. All the while, I am just doing things 'for me.' That has no feeling of deep fulfillment in the same way as a relationship.

I don't know why I am left on the shelf...(maybe a bit dramatic but I feel sad tonight). I've never cheated and I'm independent but also crave that connection with someone again. I don't think I'm particularly unusual, so why can't I have what everyone else seems to have.

I'm terrified this is it for me now.

Oh god, this is going to sound so twee, but: you are never lonely if you love and appreciate yourself.

I know the loneliness you speak of, OP. Totally. I just haven't felt it ever since some switch flipped in my mind and I started feeling content and happy with myself as a person. Now i think that, while a romantic relationship would be nice, it is not something I feel as an aching necessity.

Human connection IS essential, but it comes in many different forms.

Absolutely please trust me on this ....you need to go out,to different places than you usually frequent.
You meet new people and have to be yourself to initiate the conversation.
I met my lovely man in a social position i would never have dreamt of being in was it not for the insistence of my eldest son (eldest son has a passion for politics and is secretary for a party as well as being a candidate for election - i went to the counting of the votes with him and some months after the meetings and met my partner there!,he is totally out of the usual limits id meet in all areas but its working!)x

OP I could have written your post myself a few years ago. I got so pissed off with people telling me I didn't need a man. I knew I didn't but I did want a good relationship with a decent man as I prefer to be in relationship

Fast forward a few years and there were a number of disastrous dating experiences and a particularly rubbish relationship but then I met DP. We met, got along well but there was no spark as such but we kept in touch as friends and then we just sort of fell into a relationship. We are both very happy and it's as good as good a relationship as I could ever want.

I guess I'm sharing my story to say don't give up and allow yourself to wallow too much in the negativity as it really is wasted energy. You are allowed to feel sad but as other posters have said try new things for meeting others, don't look for the spark and give people a chance who are normally not your "type". This isn't advising you to settle for just so you can settle down either. Last bit of advice is don't look at every happy family picture on FB and think everyone is happier than you because trust me a lot would envy your position.

When in my 30s I met and had kids with my perfect match on paper, who l found drop dead sexy, it turned out that he was an Abusive alcoholic cheating arse.

Now in my mid 40s after 6 years without so much as a shag I've met my match.

Turns out he's short, bald, pretty crap at English and has less education than me.

What I thought was important actually wasn't. He's kind, wants to help me with everything, has no concept of women's work, gardens, potters, builds, can't stay awake if he sits down. But I love all that. And it turns out that what I thought mattered doesn't at all.

So what I'm saying is that you might be looking for the wrong stuff and writing off some good ones.

Really good marrying article Bertie; thanks for posting the link.

As a couple of other posters have said, don't make the mistake of believing that A Man will make your life wonderful. Lots of women who are not single are miserable: some are being horribly abused by their partners, some are bored or taken for granted by their partners, some just 'settled' for a man who's not much cop but the woman still believes, unfortunately, that anything's better than being single.
If everyone you know is a Noah's Arker (heteromonogamous couples who only associate with other heteromonogamous couples and make condescending remarks to people who are not currently engaging in heteromonogamy) look for some less boring friends. I am 50, have never married or lived with a partner, have stuck to friendly casual sex here and there for the past 20 years or so (less of it these days as menopausal and more interested in theory than practice now). It's good.

What a ridiculous post about having a child on your own! Ignore that advise OP.

You are very young... loads of time to meet someone. But you have to be in it to win it! Don't turn down invitations just because you'll be the only single person there. The rugby at the pub with family would have been fun! You don't have to look at an invitation as pointless if you're not going to 'meet anyone'.

As a pp said; you are in a great position. Loads of dates, offers of second dates! And the free time to go!
As a single mum, I'd kill for just 1 date!! Or even the opportunity to go out and have some fun!
I know you don't want to hear it... but seriously, enjoy yourself!!

ittoo, it's not up to you to tell the OP what advice she should listen to or ignore. She asked for our thoughts - not just the selected ones you approve of!

She may meet someone, I hope she does, but she also may not. If she wants a family, then going it alone may well be something she has to think about in future. It depends on what she wants. Some women will only contemplate having dc with a partner but others are happy to go ahead without one. I'm just making the point that having a family doesn't depend entirely on having a relationship. It's up to her.

I agree with the poster above criticising the concept of the 'spark'. I found dh positively unattractive (physically) the first time I met him. And he later told me I really wasn't his type (which would be curvy and blonde... I am a flat-chested size 10 brunette shortarse ). But we became friends while I was going out with his best mate and out of that developed a relationship which has been going through thick and thin for nearly 18 years now - we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary two weeks ago.

You're 30 - that's very young. I know that's a bit hypocritical coming from someone who married at 23, but it truly is.

What PeopleLie said re having a baby alone. And I do agree with SGB that a relationship is not a panacea. I am a firm believer that it is better to be alone than badly accompanied.

It can all change on a heart beat op and you are doing everything right.

That spark might just be a little glimmer that gets brighter with every meeting. Sparks flare up and extinguish.

I'm 7 years in with a lovely man I met old. We were looking for a companionship. He was very, very lonely. Me not so as I was surrounded by friends, family, grandkids and had a fabulous life. I just knew at 56 I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

We soon realised we had a connection. We enjoyed each others company. We made each other laugh. He is nice looking but not conventionally handsome but I could tell he had a good heart and he does. I wasn't looking for a husband but I was looking for good husband material...just in case it developed that way and he ticked all boxes. He was smart, punctual, kept in touch on days we didn't see each other, trustworthy ....caused me no angst. He is a gentleman and a gentle man and has my back in times of trouble.

We married last month and all is good. Better to wait for the right man than waste your time with the wrong one.

It will happen. I wrote a list of the sort of man I wanted and he ticked all the boxes on that list. I know a friend of who did the same . They are out there.

Trust me ;-)

Hi OP,

Not read the whole thread so not sure if its been said already but would you consider working abroad?

Could give you a different perspective/ open new doors?

Sorry if I offended about my comment about not having a baby on your own... what I didn't convey properly was that as the OP is so lonely, having a baby on her own could make her even more lonely.

OP is so young and has plenty of time to choose whether or not to have a child on her own.

Right now, you seem very unhappy OP. I know it's really hard... I watched all my friend get married and have babies when I couldn't even get a date (this was before OLD!) The best advise I can give is to love yourself, relax and give people a chance.

Best of luck OP. It can all change in a heartbeat.

ittoo no offence taken

Wow this thread really struck a cord with me. I've been single for five years, a single parent of a seven year old (for which I thank god every day).

I too have felt that crushing loneliness. That horrible feeling on a Friday night after work when you are part of a crowd going home and you just know you are the only one going home to an empty house or a lonely dinner.

Ever since I split up with my husband everyone I have met (or know) has said 'oh don't worry you'll meet someone, you're too nice/fun/too much to give to be on your own' and every fucking time I have thought 'you are wrong, I'm NEVER going to meet anyone'. And I haven't.

If I go out no one is ever really interested in me so at least you have more chance of a relationship than me.

This is a rambling crap post, sorry but I hope I have articulated that I understand where you are coming from.

I'm prepared to bet you'll meet someone before I do

Agree about that instant spark thang being misleading.

The first 5-6 times I bumped into DH in various bars and clubs I felt rather meh about him mainly because I was nursing a broken heart. DH was very persistent and kept hanging around, but to me he was just some cute guy at the bar.

When I eventually agreed to a proper date, I wasn't expecting anything much. Was still carrying a torch for my ex. But my God by the end of our first proper date (which ended up lasting the whole weekend) I could barely remember my ex's name.

Those first few months we nearly killed each other with sex. Less of a spark...more of a super nova. But 6 weeks earlier he'd barely registered on my radar.

You're putting too much pressure on those first few dates. I've been with DP for a while now and he's absolutely perfect for me and I love him to bits but trust me when I say there was no spark when we met. I thought he was just kinda average. There was a certain set of circumstances that meant I had to see him again a few times and only then did I realize what a great guy he is. And we took it slowly,we dated for a good 6 months before we said I love you etc.

So I think you need to take some of that pressure off,have some fun on those dates, get to know them better. Sparks are just sexual attraction and that fades away quickly if you're not compatible.