Cried all the way home tonight and just see a life of loneliness ahead

[feelingroughlove]

I don't want to bleat on in self-pity...but I am feeling pretty low tonight.

I know it's been said before by many others, but the one thing missing from my life is a relationship. I'm 30. I've had long-term relationships in the past. I don't feel unable to be in a relationship. I have friends. I enjoy my job. I'm busy 90% of the time either meeting a friend, doing my own thing, seeing family or online dating. When I'm on dates they (so far!) have all requested a second date, and I enjoy the company, but there's nobody I want to commit to. What I'm trying to say is that I put myself out there as much as I can (aside from the classic 'take up a hobby' advice - I genuinely don't have a particular hobby and when I'm not with other people I'm watching my soaps, reading or shopping).

But I'm lonely. And tonight I cried all the way back from work because despite being around people the majority of my waking hours, despite having lots and lots to do, and great connections with friends, I am lonely. I am, dare I say it, happier and content in a relationship than I am when I'm alone.

I am starting to resent the advice I often see on here about 'embrace this time of your life' etc, because I HAVE done that. Yes, my life is great in mnay many ways. I'm aware of that and I appreciate aspects of it usually. But sometimes the lonliness is too much. At the end of a night everyone goes home to someone. They cook for someone else. They put their kids to bed. They have 'family days.' They are building relationships with a husband that hopefully last for life. All the while, I am just doing things 'for me.' That has no feeling of deep fulfillment in the same way as a relationship.

I don't know why I am left on the shelf...(maybe a bit dramatic but I feel sad tonight). I've never cheated and I'm independent but also crave that connection with someone again. I don't think I'm particularly unusual, so why can't I have what everyone else seems to have.

I'm terrified this is it for me now.

I too think that the concept of 'the one' and 'the spark' is rubbish. Everyone has flaws. I don't mean you should put up with any losers, but as pp said looking for a spark straight away sets people up to fail.

Oh OP I could have written your post except I don't even get the dates atm. Love my life, happier now that I was in my last relationship but I kissed a guy in a club a few weeks ago and since then just feel so low. I miss someone holding my hand. Going to now RTFT but I just wanted to let you know your post resonated with me.

Thank-you bertie I love this site.

Oh! And this is wonderful. Please read this one. I love the criteria it gives for how to know you're picking the right person to marry :) "How are you mad?" Wonderful stuff.

thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

That's a really good article bertie thanks

I was good friends with my DH for two years before that first kiss and it was very much a slow burner. Been together for 18 years now. I have had a couple of bodice ripping heaving chest type relationships and they are actually not sustainable for me becuase after it fizzles off a bit there isnt enough of anything else.

My tactic which I was unaware of at the time was to be a total ice maiden to any men. In my twenties I worked with engineers who were 95% male and was incredibly stand offish, they lapped it up.

A 'spark' is worth how long it lasts.

Orange, if you never once thought of him romantically, why did you agree to a date? just wondering whether it really works when you feel no attraction whatsoever?! what made you feel it eventually?

MN is a good place for you to be to realise being single is no bad thing. You are hankering after a fantasy. Just scroll through the relationship posts to realise the power and benefit of being on your own.

Lots of posts of "I thought we were SO PERFECT but now I've found he's fucking his secretary/ my best friend/my sister".

And more of "He's abusive/nasty/not the man who seduced me"

Short summary is: there are benefits and weakness to any situation.

Being single: Upside -do what the hell you like at all times. No need to worry about him if you want to go to Paris this weekend. Downside- no comfort care when you are down. All the rest is details (Eg. if you just want regular sex as a woman you can get it)

Being married: Upside: benefits of pooling financial resources, comfort care and cuddles on demand. Downside: the detritus of a living together relationship - skid marked pants, demands on your time, whinging, nagging etc.

Nothing is perfect.

Honestly look at people who are married and really look hard. Most are really not that happy and clinging on to "I love my kids" and "I like the public illusion that I am happily married". Scrape the veneer and the shit is exposed.

There are a lucky lucky few in a proper happy marriage. Most are dogged by infidelity, fears of infidelity, inequality in financial or social status that is used as control or abuse, boredom, lack of friendship compatibility etc etc.

Also..i'm not saying it's a good idea to 'settle' or to get into a relationship with someone you know is incompatible etc. But sometimes the whole idea of The One..leads to really unrealistic expectations. I don't think I have ever met anyone who is in a long term relationship who can say the person they are with is some magical person who is perfect for them in every way, compatible on every level and all that. More often it is give and take, compromise and some boring bits, along with the really amazing bits!

I guess I just think it is worth exploring what assumptions we hold regarding what a relationship can give us, because sometimes when we dig a bit we can figure out a bit more of what we do and don't want etc.

My "sparks" has always ended. Great sex or laughs but nothing much else.

My DH was a slow burner, i thought he was a nice guy which is why i went on a few dates with him and i started liking him more and more. We met through mutual friends.
We would have never ever been matched online because he would have been out of my search area and we have no hobbies in common.

I'm a cynic and i don't believe in "the one" and never ever expected to get married. I was setting myself up to be single forever
It just evolved.

30 is that age that you expect to have your shit together, not always the case.

Please don't be sad. Its frustrating but things happen when you least expect them too.

noclue, good question! I can only think it was because I knew him in a work capacity and subconsciously didn't want to complicate things? I had thought a couple of times that he was quite good looking, but it never really went beyond that. He asked me out as he was going to be leaving his role, and we wouldn't be working together. I was in a similar position to OP, thoroughly fed up with being single, so thought I would just see what happened.

You're single because you haven't settled for the sake of it or just to crack on and have children. That's a good thing. It takes strength of character to do that.

However lonely you feel right now, its better than being in the wrong relationship. You have the opportunity right now to meet people, to change things in your life that you don't like, you have flexibility. You have choices.

Don't be desperate for something that might not make you any happier (and might remove those choices).

Another poster recommended counselling, that might be a good idea, just to give you clarity?

Yes it is not great to be single when you really want a relationship but please Dont waste your precious time being sad and miserable. Easier said than done I know.

I think finding the right one is random and as someone pposted the relationship board us full of Mr Rights seeing escorts and being caught out as damn out liars and snakes!

Be quietly optimistic and go about your business. Peace of Mind is the true prize imo. Good luck.

I think 30 is hard because it's supposed to be the next phase of your life after the treadmill of school/uni/starting work and actually there is no set blue print. It can feel underwhelming especially if what you imagined (DH/kids) hasn't happened yet.

I think you should plan something. A trip, a course, a holiday, something out of your normal routine.

Just piping in OP to say I know how you feel. I am turning 38 next month and can't believe I find myself single.

I have loved and been loved and remember how fantastic it was but in both cases it didn't work out as I'd hoped.

It isn't about sex (I get offered that a fair bit), it's about wanting someone to call at the end of the day or someone to just make you feel less alone. I can't offer advice, but it's hard.

@ brokenhearted, kindness, thoughtfulness and understanding is missing.

Yes, when it is lust, the other three might/might not around...

I dont know if this helps or not

I think it is a frame of mind

I have always been lucky to meet people when I have been single & at my very happiest - just being me & enjoying life
I would describe myself at that time as positively "glowing" !
So enjoying myself, not really looking for anyone, but connections have occurred
eg
on holiday
enjoying shared hobbies

You can do the same online too

Be positive

Smile

Good luck

I hear you OP. However, take some comfort at least that you've been getting dates and guys wanting to go on second dates with you. I know you say there are no sparks but at least you are out there dating. There are many who, for assorted reasons - being in a rural area, not wanting children - who are lucky if they get one date a year through online dating and just never meet single people despite being hugely social and out and about a lot. You're still "in the game" as it were, so you are at least in with a chance of meeting someone.

I get the loneliness thing because I have been single now for over 5 years and haven't had a date in 4. I'm very sociable, lots of friends, but like you I want someone special to share things with. It's getting me very down at times, despite my generally being a very upbeat person.

Maybe some people are meant to be alone. Have a look at planning your life as if this were the case.