In need of advice - am suspicious of DH, feel like I'm going mad.

[seasonoflists]

Name changed regular, need privacy.
A few things have happened over the last few months that have raised my suspicions. I'm now recovering from painful and quite severe primary genital herpes, and have had great support from GUM and my GP, and I'm back to wondering, where did this come from.

Bkgd: married to DH for 4yrs, effectively childless by marriage as he has 3DC who are young adults. I'm 35 with some physical disabilities. I work in a professional job, he earns very little from his business but enjoys it - I say all this to show we both bring different things to our relationship with give and take, compromise, and, I thought, a good balance.

The herpes - Dr says I have recently caught it, DH may be an asymptomatic carrier that kind of sheds the virus intermittently. That is possible and I need to remember that.

The rest: I got back from a conference in April and found a bangle type bracelet in our living room that definitely wasn't mine - I'd never seen it before. He just said he didn't know where it had come from either. A few weeks later, the same thing with an e-cigarette in the car.

He has always since we met been super secretive about his phone and his internet browsing. I know he cheated on his first wife more than once. I've asked him how things will be different now - he says he wouldn't cheat now as he has no need - and he said after I asked straight out that I have nothing to worry about regarding the herpes and whether it could have come from him, recently. He has endless work related calls on his mobile, I have twice, once in May time, once the other weekend, chanced upon his phones there's always tons to scroll thru, usually unsaved mobile nos, but I could see both times he calls a female name, say 'Lucy' up to a few times a month, always when he's out of the house. I see his phone so rarely that I don't manage to be very quick with it, no screenshots or anything.

I am not sure how this looks to outsiders - I don't actually want to let myself get to the point of endlessly seeking opportunities to check his phone. Do I calmly confront? I am SURE he will just deny though.

I am going mad and of the two friends I tried to talk to, one pointed out that it's not fair on her to have to hear relationship issues - we are both friends with her and her DH, fair enough - the other was great, but said I need to be entirely ready for what happens after the confrontation, and am I?

So sorry it's so long. Wisdom greatly needed.

so, he cheated on his first wife but wouldn't cheat on you because "there's no need." I cheated on my xh. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at the time, however this does not justify the affair I had, and if I could turn back time I would have left years earlier, before it got to the point of me ending up falling for someone else.

I can categorically say I would never do it again. not because "there's no need," but because it was a deeply painful, destructive thing to do, and as well as hurting my xh I sacrificed my integrity - something which has always been very important to me, because I didn't have the strength to end my marriage without a reason. In fact, even when I did end my marriage (and fwiw I didn't leave for OM, the marriage ended partly because of the affair but partly because I then had a reason for my ex to divorce me) I was told that doing so was unreasonable because at least he didn't hit me.

There is no such thing as a "need to cheat," and if he was remorseful about having done it to one person you would see this in his behaviour now and clearly you're not.

Similarly with his phone, relationships are built on trust and transparency, and if someone has had an affair once then secrecy with something like a phone is often an indicator that something is wrong. It would never occur to me to be secretive with my phone - I have nothing to hide. My dp trusts me, not because I have had to prove to him that I can be trusted, but because he knows that i wouldn't do it again - not just to him but to anyone, regardless.

Thing is op, the trust has gone from your relationship. You have reason to believe that your dh is cheating, and tbh even if he isn't, the level of the lack of trust here indicates that the relationship has no future.

It's not entirely a myth as, while symptoms may not appear for months or years, they usually appear within 2-7 days of exposure to the virus. If your symptoms appeared within a week of you having sex with your h, and he was your only sexual partner during that time, it's probable that he infected you.

The first occurence is often the worst as symptoms can last up to 21 days. When herpes recurs, which it doesn't always do, the symptoms are milder and last for 3-5 days because the body has produced a defence and can fight the virus more effectively.

Can you get back to the GP and talk about the blood test I referred to in my earlier post? If the surgery can't do it they may be able to tell you where to get it done.

The first time I had oral herpes (cold sores) it was a mega attack of about 20 cold sores. I caught it from my then partner. My GP said it was a classic initial infection and it would never be that bad again. He was right.

Your dh has infected you recently.

I think the question you need to ask is whether you will leave him. He clearly is cheating and I suspect this isn't the first time he has cheated on you. Massive red flags all round - he has form, he's secretive with his phone, he calls random women when he's out, the bracelet etc.

I'm sorry OP but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

What's the point in the H getting tested for anti bodies? Op knows he gave it to her, the question is did he pick up the virus recently or years ago? Both are possible but I would say recently is slightly more likely...?
Op, you didn't own that bangle or the e cig - another woman has been in your home and car and probably on your husband's penis too. I'm sorry to say it but now comes the stage of preparing to separate, unless you are willing to turn a blind eye (not recommended)

op would have valid reason to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. She doesn't have to prove adultery but she can claim the herpes infection as reason to suspect infidelity as one of her reasons for sighting unreasonable behaviour iyswim.

The only reason for the test for antibodies would be to remove any uncertainty from the OP's mind as to how she came to be infected with genital herpes, Obsidian,

I have no doubt her h infected her and I suspect he was infected years ago.

goddess sorry for not replying directly - I see no need to test DH as I too have no doubt it came from him. The question being when. If he doubts it, of course he can attempt to prove it's not. I have not slept with anyone but DH in 3.5 yrs, and he is now pestering,but not communicating verbally, his want for sex. And I absolutely have no desire to sleep with him and so I need to tell him why that is.

Offred I'm really scared and that 'tackle it without being there emotionally' is the heart of it.
I so appreciate the encouragement. I am poor at confrontation although the fall in communication like Jan45 says is a new low for me. I need to protect my heart and be strong - I have a couple of friends who are not off away over half term and I will not hesitate to call or land on them. I'm trying to talk myself into just doing it.

You can do this, Season. Please please don't shove this under the rug. I promise people regret that for the rest of their lives. He has cheated on you, possibly is and will again.

You have to remember that if you do nothing that emotionally this will eat away at you anyway, you'll never trust him again, never believe anything kind and loving he says to you

You are going to go through the trauma of emotionally detaching slowly and surely if you stay.

Chances are he has just infected you. But don't forget he could have had it for 30 years and not known, before infecting you recently.

I'm not saying he didn't give it to you recently. I'm not saying he hasn't just caught it from someone else. What I was trying to say is, that there are so many variables and possibilities about when, how and from what you and he both caught it, it will never give you the definitive answer / proof that you are looking for.

You have my sympathies. I have direct and painful experience of both the herpes and the horrible doubt and pain that planted in my mind and soul about a much-loved DP. It is the absolute pits and youhave my total sympathy and understanding

(FWIW it wasn't the herpes that led me to the truth. It was other stuff)

come on....he knows hes got herpes....he must have had the symptoms when he passed it to you...ACTIVE SYMPTOMS....you can only pass it on when the active symptoms are showing....even if hes had it for years....he didnt even tell you he was a carrier???...hes not a very nice person at all!

Try on the decision to leave for a few days.

What I mean is decide for yourself that it is over and you are breaking up and then do nothing about it for a short period. Think on it. Think about a future without him. Think about all the reasons why deciding to go is a good thing and why staying is bad.

Make the decision but do not put pressure on yourself to act on it.

It's basically a reversal of what you are doing now which is trying to act before you have decided and the pressure to act is paralysing you IMO.

The act will much more naturally follow once you are accustomed to the decision I think.

Potatoface you are actually entirely wrong
You can pass in herpes without symptoms (asymptomatic viral shedding) and 50% of herpes carriers never have an outbreak so it's pretty much impossible to avoid catching it as your partner may have no idea they have it and no idea they are contagious.
However with this guy - his lack of curiosity about where it came from is very bizarre and suspicious

Yes. Potato. It's that kind of generalisation that not only gets people infected. It also drives people crazy with false information

In my case my exDP had had " eye infections " for years. He did not know they were cold sores. Neither did I. That's how I got infected: via oral sex with a person who did not even realise that what they had was herpes.

The difference between my ex and the op's DP is that my outbreak lead to a flurry of activity, tests, accusations and paranoia on both sides. The op's DP seems suspiciously unconcerned

And I'll add that, ironically, although the herpes is what aroused my suspicions initially, it turned out to be an entirely innocent red herring. Although it did lead me to ask the questions and do the digging that lead me to find out what was going on.

He sounds very blasé about the herpes. Surely he should be more concerned and actively having a very serious conversation with you about it.So he needed to cheat on his first wife as she was so awful! Horrible statement. You said he had grown up children. Could the bangle have belonged to his dd? Just checking all angles so he doesn't write it off if you bring it up.

About the phone thing… don't change 'Lucy''s number to yours, change it to another phone, if you have a spare one hanging around.

Yes, exDP's reaction when I had it was very different to the op's DP's. Blind panic about covers it.