In need of advice - am suspicious of DH, feel like I'm going mad.

[seasonoflists]

Name changed regular, need privacy.
A few things have happened over the last few months that have raised my suspicions. I'm now recovering from painful and quite severe primary genital herpes, and have had great support from GUM and my GP, and I'm back to wondering, where did this come from.

Bkgd: married to DH for 4yrs, effectively childless by marriage as he has 3DC who are young adults. I'm 35 with some physical disabilities. I work in a professional job, he earns very little from his business but enjoys it - I say all this to show we both bring different things to our relationship with give and take, compromise, and, I thought, a good balance.

The herpes - Dr says I have recently caught it, DH may be an asymptomatic carrier that kind of sheds the virus intermittently. That is possible and I need to remember that.

The rest: I got back from a conference in April and found a bangle type bracelet in our living room that definitely wasn't mine - I'd never seen it before. He just said he didn't know where it had come from either. A few weeks later, the same thing with an e-cigarette in the car.

He has always since we met been super secretive about his phone and his internet browsing. I know he cheated on his first wife more than once. I've asked him how things will be different now - he says he wouldn't cheat now as he has no need - and he said after I asked straight out that I have nothing to worry about regarding the herpes and whether it could have come from him, recently. He has endless work related calls on his mobile, I have twice, once in May time, once the other weekend, chanced upon his phones there's always tons to scroll thru, usually unsaved mobile nos, but I could see both times he calls a female name, say 'Lucy' up to a few times a month, always when he's out of the house. I see his phone so rarely that I don't manage to be very quick with it, no screenshots or anything.

I am not sure how this looks to outsiders - I don't actually want to let myself get to the point of endlessly seeking opportunities to check his phone. Do I calmly confront? I am SURE he will just deny though.

I am going mad and of the two friends I tried to talk to, one pointed out that it's not fair on her to have to hear relationship issues - we are both friends with her and her DH, fair enough - the other was great, but said I need to be entirely ready for what happens after the confrontation, and am I?

So sorry it's so long. Wisdom greatly needed.

Re not asking about herpes, I think he's acting as if he has you over a barrel, as if he has all the power and he doesn't have to accountable to you ?

...I can wonder if the bracelet was actually mine and I'd forgotten...

I have a good memory and while I might forget that I had a certain item of jewellery, if someone showed it to me, I would recall chapter and verse of where I acquired it and welcome it like an old friend.

If you think the bracelet wasn't yours, it wasn't yours in my view. Together with the other two things, I'm afraid that it doesn't look at all good.

I would have thought that the usual reaction to being told a partner has contracted a transmittable sexual infection would be to hotfoot it to the nearest GUM clinic to be tested and I'm astounded that your h not only doesn't appear to have done this, but also seems indifferent to how you came to be infected.

There is a blood test that looks for the antibodies the immune system makes when infected by HSV-2 which almost always infects the genitals; a blood test which shows antibodies to HSV-1 indicates the presence of genital or oral herpes as oral herpes can spead to the genitals during oral sex.

If a NHS GUM clinic won't carry out the necesssary blood tests, it should be possible to arrange them through a GP or a private medical clinic for a sum which your h will no doubt consider reasonable given the peace of mind it will give him if it is proves negative and, for your own peace of mind, I suggest you make this a dealbreaker.

Fwiw, DiscoDiva has raised the first thought that came to my mind re the friend who doesn't want to hear anything about your 'relationship issues' because they're too close to home.

It does sound odd to me.
As a pp said one of those things you could possibly get past, but all those things together looks iffy.
You do really need to see his phone properly before confronting otherwise you confront, he says no nothing going on, then deletes all evidence - you're still in the dark. Unless you can somehow confront, he denies, then you immediately ask for his phone to put your mind at ease and then going by his reaction you'll know.
As everyone on here says, trust your instincts.

season, this is a catalogue of red flags. I think you need some real life support and, of course there is no such thing as certainty, but I am as certain as an outsider can be that this is very very bad. The general secrecy around communication and the absence of even a simple explanation for the bangle and e-cig are defining in my opinion, even outside the STD are damning.

What is sad is that you say and I would agree that he is unlikely to ever admit. This is a seasoned cheat and also someone who doesn't seem to have any problem lying or withholding from you. I think without hard evidence he will permanently deny and even gaslight you. I would agree that the mutual friend may well know something and would be my first port of call, frankly. Even if it takes emotional blackmail and begging.

The bad thing is without proof you will simply have to make this call on your own. I notice you don't include large number of reasons to stay or praise for him otherwise. You also are sure he would deny which means you know him to be both a coward and a liar. I would be very wary and concerned about this relationship. I am so sorry about your herpes too.

I think you need to research/confront or leave. I'm not sure - for me - that waiting this out would be a possibility. At this point he will be very aware of your suspicion and keen to hide things well.

What blood said.

I'm sorry not to have updated at the time - I have really thought about your advice, and spoken to a couple of brilliant real life friends who have supported and advised.

I'm building up to speaking to my DH. It's been a slow recovery from the herpes, and I have waited to feel well as, especially with my disabilities, I want to be able to cope with the fallout. This may be the weekend.
Impulsively, when DH left his phone alone earlier - a rare, maybe monthly occurrence, I did the read-about-on-MN trick of switching the number that I suspect to be the OW to my own number. If I text him/ ring him in the meantime, will it still come up as me? Or as her? I normally text him during the day and I am trying to bide my time. It's often a Thursday night they are in touch, but he always deletes the contents of the texts.

Does anyone know the answer to the above?
And can I have some support as I get ready to confront him either later or at the weekend?

Meant to say blood I especially appreciated your post and it's really helped me get my head together.

You seem to have difficulty actually communicating with him which will make all these odd instances easy for him to pass of as your over imagination.

You never imagined a bracelet, or an e-cig, never mind the herpes, as has been said that can lay dormant for years but he's never really commented on it.

All the above and the fact he is secretive with his mobile is pretty telling that he is up to something and hiding it.

Personally if it was me in your situation I would not drop it until I got a reasonable explanation for the above, in other words, he'd have been gone by now OP, I won't tolerate someone treating me like an idiot.

Won't he know it's you in the style that you text? And if you're on whatsapp your photo will come up instead of whoever elses? Sorry to put a downer on it.

I'd have just saved the number and then phoned it myself to find out if it is another woman or not.

Good luck

Don't text or ring!

I know you've swapped the number, but what sort of phone does he have? If it shows a conversation, he'll see what you've done, won't he? eg if he goes to text her, he'll see messages to you.

Yep, swapping the number was just daft - what're you going to do if he doesn't ring/text/whatever? Did you write it down anywhere?

You need to think this through now.

Good point IB but OP said he has been deleting texts, in which case he would expect to have to start a new thread. At that point he'll just search "OWName" and start typing.

OP I think if you text him it will just show as you, but it depends on the type of phone and which messaging app he uses. I would leave it if I were you and just wait to see if he calls or texts tonight. If he rings, I wouldn't answer.

Well it's done now. Good luck this weekend

I think it will show up as her if you call him/text him (depending on phone) so you need to make sure you don't do that in the meantime.

He doesn't cheat on you because there's 'no need.' What happens when decides there is a need to cheat?

You've married a nasty bastard.

You have a bangle, an e-cigarette and an STD that aren't yours, and the only guy you can ask about it all cheated on his first wife.

Why would you want to rebuild anything with this man.

^ absolutely this.

You don't need to confront him. He is already gaslighting you.

I think you need to decide to leave and get your ducks in a row and then go.

He doesn't feel he is accountable to you for his poor behaviour and he doesn't need to be let in on your decision to leave until you have made sure you can be protected as much as possible.

Good luck seasonoflists, I hope everything goes okay this weekend.

Please don't let him gaslight you.

There are so many variables and ifs and buts with herpes that it would be very easy for him to wriggle out of that. He may have had it but not known. He may have known he had coldsores but not realised that he could give you genital herpes. He may not have it - you could have had it for years and not known etc etc etc. Thinking all the scenarios through will only drive you insane - you'll never get an answer I don't think

The rest of the stuff...well..it doesn't look good either does it?

Good luck. I'm not sure if the number change was a good thing or not. It will certainly bring things to a head I guess

So what happened last night OP? Are youOK?

Now you have changed the number just dont call or text him and see what happens

Nothing happened... I really wish I could have proof, but wishes don't grow on trees and I'm going to have to do this the hard way before I do go mad. Financially I'm ok - it's emotional 'ducks' I need to have ready so I don't fall apart.
BOOP wrt herpes, GP said to have such a florid, nasty infection,I must have just caught it. Another myth?

GP is correct that it is highly likely you have just caught it.

You don't need more proof, you just need to make a decision to trust yourself above what he is telling you.

You are not going to get emotional ducks in a row while you are with this man. You are going to be able to do that only after you have left and that means being really brave and deciding to tackle it without being there emotionally IMO.

I agree with GP and unfortunately speak from experience ....be it from many years ago.

Don't live like this Op. It sounds exhausting.

The thing is you can't have proof unless he admits it which is unlikely.

I tink at this stage you can rely on your own feelings towards him as a good enough reason to leave the relationship.

What you would do about a divorce, well I don't know how that works - would you need something definite?

If you told him you were going to leave because you think he is being unfaithful, do you think it would prompt him to confess and try and cling to the marriage, or do you think he would simply shrug and move on?

I do think your life would be immeasurably better without him and having no children with him makes that a lot easier to facilitate xx