Do I need to get a grip and face reality - more children or not? Am I having a mid-life crisis?

[FreckledLeopard]

This may be slightly rambling so apologies in advance.

I'm in a same sex relationship. Been together 18 months. Live together.

I have a DD, nearly 15, from a previous relationship. I had her aged 19. I'm now 33.

DP is 34, has no children and wants them.

I always thought I would have more children. I assumed, for some reason, I'd have three in total. Now that there is a real possibility of having more children, I'm suddenly freaking out.

Part of me is terrified of having to go back go square one. DD is pretty self-sufficient and I've now got lots of freedom. The idea of sleepless nights, screaming children and the mundane 9-5 is making me come out in a cold sweat. It's not the idea of children per se, but the idea of being trapped in a "normal" job, juggling childcare, routines, living in nappy valley with a load of other families doing the same thing. When DD was small I took her travelling in South East Asia, spent lots of time in France, went to festivals, hung out with a wide range of people. I liked being a lone parent (DD's father was never involved) because that gave me the independence to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted (within reason).

Now that I have a proper, "grown-up" job, a mortgage, an elderly parent who needs care, I'm kicking against it like crazy. Part of me thinks that once DD is 16 or 18 and has effectively left home, then the world is my oyster. I could rent out my house, travel the world, volunteer with NGOs, maybe make a real difference (my job is fine. I'm a lawyer. But it's not earth-shattering or going to change the world). I could get a motorbike. Take up sailing and sail round the world. Move to a different country and learn another language.

DP is understandably fed up. She wants babies and she wants them now. I said from the outset of the relationship that I wanted more children. Now it's crunch time and I just don't know what to do.

I've always kicked against the norm. I've always had itchy feet and wanted adventure. I always assumed I would live in different countries, meet exciting people, have amazing experiences. Living in a city in the South West of England, working full time and raising children does not really tick those boxes.

But - in reality - if I wasn't with DP, would I actually want to do these things? Am I just being contrary (as is my nature)? Would I be perfectly happy having more children and a fairly comfortable lifestyle? After all, I can travel the world when I retire.

Obviously whether to have children or not is a deal breaker for DP. I love her and don't want to lose her. But nor do I want to be trapped.

Part of me thinks I should just take the plunge, have more kids and suck it up. But I just don't know what to do for the best.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Am I just being a selfish twat having an "early-life" crisis?

bump

Don't have a child unless you're 100% committed to the idea. If you suck it up for the sake of not losing your relationship, you're going to end up resentful and stifled, which will probably result in you leaving anyway, just at a later time when it will hurt everyone more.

I think you have to be honest with your DP and say no more children for you, and let her go.

Hi Freckled. From your OP I have to say it really does sound like you do not want more children. It's kind of shouting out from the screen - 'Nor do I want to be trapped'.

It's absolutely ok not to want them of course. Though as you seem to know anyway, this will almost certainly be a 'dealbreaker' for your DP.

It's a lot easier to give advice in this situation than take it but I think you need to be honest with your DP so she can decide what she wants to do. You really don't seem to want any more and would your DP even want to have them with you once she knows you feel like that?

Best of luck to you - it's a hard situation as there is no meeting each other in the middle with this one.

DP would go it alone. That was her plan before we even met.

I wonder if my plans for travelling etc are simply a pipe dream and that I just need to get a grip, accept that most people work full time, pay a mortgage and have children, and just do it.

It sounds like you don't want to go back there. For your DP it will be exciting and new but for you it'll be "Oh I've been there, done that".

Believe me, I was in the same position, although bit older than you. I had an older "child" and didn't want any more, ever. My partner did, and he left me for that reason, about 3 months ago. Its fucking heartbreaking for me, and I had to let him go even though I loved him and had been together over 4 years. It still hurts now, and probably will for a long time.

You need to think very long and very hard about what you want, and this is one of those times that can be the absolute deal breaker.

I hope you can make the best decision for you, your partner, and your family.

Best wishes to you.

The problem is I don't know what I want. When I was single I wanted a normal relationship, nice house, more children. Now I have a nice house and a relationship, I want to run away and travel the world. I have never been satisfied or content with anything.

DP suggests that she goes and tries to get pregnant regardless (sperm donor lined up) and it would be "her" baby and I would have the option to walk away, or to co-parent. Which sounds monumentally fucked up to me.

I am so, so stressed out and really cannot see the wood for the trees. In a way I wish she'd take the decision out of my hands and just walk away and then I wouldn't have to decide anything.

Now I have a nice house and a relationship, I want to run away and travel the world. I have never been satisfied or content with anything.

In that case you are definitely not in the right headspace to have a baby are you?

You may have wanted a steady job and a nice house and partner but was another baby ever part of that dream?

It really isn't the baby so much that's the issue (I really, always did think that more children would be on the cards). It's the trappings and convention that most people associate with having a child.

I have friends who had a child in the US, moved to the Bahamas, decided they wanted to live on a yacht with the child and the dog for a year, sailing around, then they moved to London and they're now living in Switzerland in a chalet running a B&B. They've also mooted living in a yurt from time to time too.

Since I had DD at 19, I've moved house five times, lived in three different areas of the country, travelled with her in South East Asia and Europe and generally not been too tied down. Before I met DP I was on the verge of moving again. I could easily envisage having more children, but don't want that to have to mean juggling childcare, jobs and the mortgage for the next 18 years.

But...I don't want to lose DP. I just don't know what to do.

OP only you can decide what you want. So is it:

• your DP plus her baby (or babies) and all that entails; or
• your freedom to travel, work abroad, meet someone else who doesn't want more DC?

None of us can make that decision for you. So which is your greater desire?

FWIW I can completely understand your reluctance to go back to square one with DC. You've had a DC and raised her almost to adulthood, so you know exactly what kind of sacrifices will be required of you for the next couple of decades, by which time you'll be in your 50s. I would really urge you not to have a DC that you don't want, simply in order to make your DP's dreams come true. Down that route lies resentment, anger and, ultimately, break-up. Be honest with her and yourself and make the choice that feels right in your heart. Its okay to change your mind, you know, and much better to just be honest that that's what's happened.

I'm a bit confused - are you are living the normal Joe soap life now and are happy? It seems a bigger issue that having a baby? Is it having the long term commitment to DP that's troubling you? 33 is so young but your post reads like a 53 year old.

I just don't know what I want. I am so stressed out (other stuff going on with elderly parent). I've been in tears every day for the last six days and keep welling up at my desk.

I don't want to break up. I really don't. But I don't want a "normal", run of the mill life either.

Does your DP want a normal, 'run-of-the-mill' life then?

If yes, then you and she are fundamentally unsuited.

If no, then why can't you live the bohemian (for want of a better word!), life you want, with her?

I am living a fairly normal life now and keep thinking that there must be more to life than this. I'm tied to this city and my job for the next two years until DD finishes GCSEs. After that, there are endless options (ish - obviously would be constrained to an extent by money or lack of if I were to quit my job).

My job is fine - it pays well, it's intellectually stimulating, the people are nice. But I can't imagine doing it for the rest of my life. When I was a teenager, before I had DD, I imagined I would get a job in international politics or development, or journalism. I wanted to report in a bullet-proof jacket from wherever the latest conflict was. Instead, I had DD at 19, took her with me to university and then became a City lawyer, before moving to the South West.

It sounds ridiculous but if I were to die tomorrow, I want to have done something sufficiently worthy and interesting to warrant an obituary in a national, if not international, newspaper. I appreciate that sounds conceited. I want to change the world or make a pretty big impact. I look at what some of my Facebook friends are doing (who I went to university with) and I feel like such a failure. They're writing books, travelling the world doing freelance journalism, being interviewed on Newsnight and Radio 4. I'm getting up, going to work, coming home and watching the Bake Off.

Everything is troubling me. I've never been content since I was twelve. I have a history of depression and dissatisfaction. I have a failed marriage behind me and feel stuck in a rut. Part of me wishes I could just run away or disappear.

Reading this makes me sound like such a whiny, ungrateful bitch. I want to slap me.

You're certainly not having a midlife crisis at 33!

But the more you post, the more it sounds like this isn't the life you want even without a baby? I think even if you decide not to have one, that's still a problem that will need solving.

It sounds like whatever you pick you won't be happy anyway. In all honesty, do you really think that you're going to travel and change the world as soon ad your did finishes her GCSEs? Where will she live to do a levels then? No support for her to start university? And how will the ending of your relationship and the change in living circs affect her anyway?

You don't really have any plans, just vague ideas that aren't going to happen. You're scared of spending longer in the everyday life that the vast majority of people live. Chasing empty dreams aren't going to make you happy, you need to accept that.

If I were you I'd be going for some therapy to work on your own issues before you make any decisions.

Firstly you have already done something amazing - you had a hard slog and made a lot of sacrifices to bring up a child alone as well as achieve academically and professionally. There are two more years in your head andthat's about to be snatched away and looks to you like you will be signing up for 20 more? Is this that it is that the worry? Firstly don't waste DPs precious time let me get on and ttc but on the understanding it's not yours. Next get to a professional coach - lots of organisations working in humanitarian sector wld jump at getting you on board . see what you should be learning now so you are ready in 2 years time. That could be a language or skill first aid etc etc I have several friends who work overseas with charities they go off and then come back- they all have families friends connections etc it dosent have to be either or.

I would be going the therapy route too, 'I have never been satisfied or content with anything' warrants some investigation or you may well spend the rest of your life feeling this whatever you decide about your current dilemma.

I think (as a parent of 16 and 18 year old) that your dd will need you arund for much longer than the next 2 years. I think it is stereotype to think that every child is ready to face the world alone when they turn 18. They need stability an a safe harbour so that they are adventourous but have family they can go back to.

When you were at Uni did you spend 52 weeks rhere or got back to your parents house?
Did you pay from your earnings for yor training and chikdcare?

I think if you look back and see how much of your success depended on having back up of your family and how many of your friends are in the place you envy them depended on their family help you can begin to see what your dd is likely to face when you chase your dreams. How many of your friends who failed are posting o FB though?

I can't comment on your partner's decision but you obviously need to make decision sooner than later.

Therapy is an option, though I've had it in the past. It's helped to an extent, but whether it would make a significant difference is something I doubt. However, I will certainly look into it again.

I think the professional coaching idea is really helpful - thank you Amammi. At least I could get a more realistic idea of how my skills might be transferable internationally. DP has not ruled out living abroad, but is far more of a homebody than I am and understandably doesn't want to up sticks and move to some humanitarian disaster-zone with a baby.

I wish she'd just take the decision out of my hands and walk away. Speaks volumes, don't you think?

I think you are feeling tied, tearful and pent-up at the moment because this issue is really beginning to rear its head. I feel you have probably mentally been on some sort of countdown for a long time with two years' time as its endpoint. The endpoint being when you get to do stuff again that fulfils you.

What your DP wants to do and the child she wants to have is going to reset that deadline from 2 years' time to 'maybe' 'at some point' or 'never'. I think that realisation is what's getting to you.

FWIW you do sound like you want something different from life from the majority. I don't think most people feel like you do. It doesn't sound (to me) like the classic 'always wanting what you haven't got'.

Fast forward to two years' time, your DD is settled and doing her thing, your DP is childless but not wanting a globe trotting adventure. Would you still want to be with her? Or would that be a much harder/ easier decision to make when 'freedom' is tangible?

You can't add a baby into that mix IMHO. And I agree that your DP's suggestion that you 'try before you buy' vis-a-vis having a child is very fucked-up.

It sounds like you really don't want to be tied down, and if you want your DP to make the choice for you and leave it sounds like a part of you has made up your mind.

But it could just be that there's so much other stress in your life that anything else seems to big a challenge to consider.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. Your DP needs to now sooner rather then later and you need to do what's best for you as well.

Firstly don't waste DPs precious time let me get on and ttc but on the understanding it's not yours.

How on earth would that work when you are on a relationship

If your DP is essentially a homebody who, in her mid-30s is looking to procreate, then I'm sorry, but I think the two of you sound fundamentally incompatible. If you're serious about going off to a war zone and doing something heroic I think the decent thing to do is to break up with her and let her go it alone on the baby front. Otherwise, your dithering is just costing her valuable time that maybe she doesn't have.

Shutthatdoor, I imagine it would work the same way it does with OP's daughter - kind of step parent arrangement?
OP, you are only 33 - you have plenty of time to do it all if you want. You could head off in 20 years time with the mortgage paid off, the pensions paid up (yeah all the boring stuff that doesn't seem important at 33) and still do all the travelling you want.
You say you can't imagine being in the same job, doing the same settled thing - but can you imagine being without your partner? Does she feature in your chaning the world plans?
Not that I'm saying either way is right or wrong - but you have to decde.
Finally, something by Gran taught me when you can't decide between two options.
Toss a coin. If you look at it and say, 'best out of three....' then you really want the alternative.