Do I need to get a grip and face reality - more children or not? Am I having a mid-life crisis?

[FreckledLeopard]

This may be slightly rambling so apologies in advance.

I'm in a same sex relationship. Been together 18 months. Live together.

I have a DD, nearly 15, from a previous relationship. I had her aged 19. I'm now 33.

DP is 34, has no children and wants them.

I always thought I would have more children. I assumed, for some reason, I'd have three in total. Now that there is a real possibility of having more children, I'm suddenly freaking out.

Part of me is terrified of having to go back go square one. DD is pretty self-sufficient and I've now got lots of freedom. The idea of sleepless nights, screaming children and the mundane 9-5 is making me come out in a cold sweat. It's not the idea of children per se, but the idea of being trapped in a "normal" job, juggling childcare, routines, living in nappy valley with a load of other families doing the same thing. When DD was small I took her travelling in South East Asia, spent lots of time in France, went to festivals, hung out with a wide range of people. I liked being a lone parent (DD's father was never involved) because that gave me the independence to do whatever I wanted, when I wanted (within reason).

Now that I have a proper, "grown-up" job, a mortgage, an elderly parent who needs care, I'm kicking against it like crazy. Part of me thinks that once DD is 16 or 18 and has effectively left home, then the world is my oyster. I could rent out my house, travel the world, volunteer with NGOs, maybe make a real difference (my job is fine. I'm a lawyer. But it's not earth-shattering or going to change the world). I could get a motorbike. Take up sailing and sail round the world. Move to a different country and learn another language.

DP is understandably fed up. She wants babies and she wants them now. I said from the outset of the relationship that I wanted more children. Now it's crunch time and I just don't know what to do.

I've always kicked against the norm. I've always had itchy feet and wanted adventure. I always assumed I would live in different countries, meet exciting people, have amazing experiences. Living in a city in the South West of England, working full time and raising children does not really tick those boxes.

But - in reality - if I wasn't with DP, would I actually want to do these things? Am I just being contrary (as is my nature)? Would I be perfectly happy having more children and a fairly comfortable lifestyle? After all, I can travel the world when I retire.

Obviously whether to have children or not is a deal breaker for DP. I love her and don't want to lose her. But nor do I want to be trapped.

Part of me thinks I should just take the plunge, have more kids and suck it up. But I just don't know what to do for the best.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Am I just being a selfish twat having an "early-life" crisis?

I think that many of us change with time. What we might desire at one period of our lives becomes very different to what we want at another. That's not inconsistency - it's life!!

Bit of an off-the-wall suggestion this, but here goes.

One of the things that screams out from your post is that this is very either/or. I wonder if it really has to be, though? There are all kinds of coparenting relationships that can 'work' very effectively for the parties concerned. Perhaps it doesn't have to be 'Either I stay at home and become the usual nappy valley person OR I go off travelling the world'? Just because lots of middle class people do this very engaged parenting with a couple doesn't mean that's the only way - I have separated friends who spend a lot of time in different countries who coparent quite successfully, friends who are away a lot on leave and who share childcare responsibilities etc. I often think that actually two couples post-amicable divorce is the ideal ratio of children to adults - everyone can get a bit of a break and a bit of adult life back!!

Since your DP is prepared to coparent alone - and indeed would go down that route were you to leave - then maybe this is something to discuss with her - in a very open and honest way. I do think it's vital that both parties are completely 'on board' from the start. You have to be prepared for her to walk away, of course - she might not be at all comfortable with it, and she might be very angry with you for leading her down this road. But she might also be open to arrangements that would give you a balance of childcare and freedom.

I think the conversation is one that needs to happen (for honesty's sake between the two of you) - and her reaction may clarify your options and decisions.

You need to let her free to fulfill her goals. You need to set yourself free too.
It's crunch time and you both need to walk away now and get on with your own wishes.
You're both postponing the inevitable.
No, this is not a midlife crisis. It's just life, presenting its brutal reality under sodium light. And above all, you're not a bad or selfish person at all!! And neither is DP. You both have fundamentally different ideas as to how you each want to live your lives and your ideas don't gel. Look, you've done the parenting gig for years. It is totally ok to want to live your life for you now. And it's ok for DP to now want to invest herself in motherhood. Time to move on OP.