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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone Up? My gut instinct has kicked off overtime ....

62 replies

MissPiggyandKermitsLoveChild · 07/10/2015 01:47

To cut a long and boring story cut very short, can anyone think of a reason why my OH would be taking a selfie of himself in the downstairs bathroom? I found it in his deleted pics box of his online storage.

He is fully dressed, it is just of his head and shoulders, its a little on-line dating-ish. My gut instinct is kicking in a really bad way, I just cannot think of any other reason why he would take a photo in such a secretive way.

I "restored" the pic and it was taken almost two months ago. He has been quite distant and I have asked him if something is going on and he has denied it.

Devastated...

OP posts:
TheBlessedCheesemaker · 07/10/2015 04:56

On an iPhone, if he has one, go to settings/privacy/location services/frequent locations. This will show you every address he has visited recently, and for how long.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2015 06:45

The particular use for which this photo was taken is not that significant in the context of his past behaviour and the OP's current concerns.

Even if it's for innocent use, he may still be up to no good nonetheless.

BrendaandEddie · 07/10/2015 06:57

It's not for linkd in is it?

Leigh1980 · 07/10/2015 07:03

Why don't you do a Google search of the image then anything with that picture online comes up.

BrendaFlange · 07/10/2015 07:20

Op, you are completely over reacting here.
I have never even looked at an Internet dating site (have you? You seem very sure what the pictures look like!) and never put selfies on social media. I really really hope that my DH does not start tracking me, stalking me, snooping and involving RL friends in getting ideas for ways to do it.

Because the few selfies I have taken and deleted have been taken to see what I look like from the side, to see if I can take a decent photo for work , to check if a spot is visible, to experiment with camera settings etc.

I appreciate that your upbringing makes you suspicious and untrusting . You married a man who (confessed to you that he had) cheated on his previous wife . So it maybe that you have just felt generally suspicious for your whole marriage.

To go from finding a single deleted selfie to immediately assuming an affair and implementing a huge invasion of his privacy is OTT.

Calm down and ask him. Just say 'you look quite handsome in this one, why did you delete it?'

mimishimmi · 07/10/2015 07:26

I take selfies all the time, including in the bathroom, but never post them on anything. Usually it's to get an objective view of whatever makeup application I've done that day. Maybe he just wanted to check out what he looks like because mirror/photos very different eg if he's aged more than he thinks he has

Unless you've got some other things to go on, I'm a bit surprised by your suspicions based on that alone.

BrendaandEddie · 07/10/2015 07:29

Two Brendas on one thread.

HellKitty · 07/10/2015 07:42

I used to OLD and the bathroom selfie is extremely common. So common that I'd start looking at the decor or products in the background.

This really doesn't sound good op.

Joysmum · 07/10/2015 07:44

Fuckit he has form and is behaving strangely. I'd be snooping too.

I hope all's well though OP and you were wrong and can both improve the realationship enough do you feel secure and cherished.

mrssmith79 · 07/10/2015 07:50

One solitary selfie? Step away from this thread, you're being whipped up into a frothing, catastrophising ball of paranoia.
And you're sleep deprived.

BrandNewAndImproved · 07/10/2015 07:52

I online date and the most common photos are of being on top of mountains and with tigers/chimps/elephants. No one really does selfies with a straight expression in a bathroom mirror. The bathroom mirror selfies that are on there are with the tops off and not a lot left to the imagination .

I think your overreacting tbh op, he could of just wanted to see what he looks like with whatever angle. I wouldn't think selfie = cheating

BrendaFlange · 07/10/2015 07:56

He 'has form'in his previous marriage. Over 10 years ago . I have form from my previous life, a decade or so younger, and would never ever behave like that again . Maturity, reflection, knowing how to make choices that value a relationship, being more honest with myself as a grown up etc.

Branleuse · 07/10/2015 07:58

i think youve got massive reason to feel insecure, because of your experience with your father having a secret family. Thats HUGE.

I dont however think this means that your dh taking a selfie is evidence of an affair.

ToGoBoldly · 07/10/2015 08:04

I would not be best pleased if my partner started surveillance of me based on one deleted photo either, that's crazy.

shovetheholly · 07/10/2015 08:05

I would ask him about it straight out.

There may be an innocent explanation - that he needed and ID photo for work or some other reason (I have done this before when I was getting a railcard and I couldn't be bothered to go to a booth and pay, and when I needed a headshot for a team I was in).

Or it may be that he's on some site somewhere (though it's good that the image search didn't pull anything up).

I'm saying that you can't be certain either way. I think sometimes on this forum there is a kind of rush to certainty (he is cheating/he isn't cheating) when the evidence is quite inconclusive. It is also very easy when you feel insecure in yourself (somethings because of a legacy of terrible betrayals) to start having all kinds of suspicions. From what others have said, there is history here for you that might incline you in that direction. I'm not saying you are categorically wrong or right - I'm saying you can't be sure.

It sounds as though you and your DH would benefit from a bit of a chat about this. Whatever is going on, you shouldn't be feeling this panicky and destabilised. It's an awful thing to go through. I send you Flowers

BrendaFlange · 07/10/2015 08:12

Good post, Shovetheholly.

I had been meaning to redact my advice to ask him about the photo in any form of disingenuous way, and to just ask him outright, openly, honestly and calmly .

Your experience of your Dad and abusive ex does not mean that all your suspicions in life will be based in insecurity, but as you yourself have recognized it is a factor. Try imagining that the thread title says 'anyone up? My insecurity has kicked in big time' and re-read your posts in that light . Which feels most likely?

peggyundercrackers · 07/10/2015 08:40

To be sitting vomiting after finding a deleted photo is extreme. You've searched on line for the pic and there is no match of it online.

You need to get a grip and stop being so paranoid.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2015 08:48

I agree that this is a massive over reaction. He took a selfie so he's cheating? Thst really doesn't follow. It sounds like you don't trust your dh if you've made such a leap. Apart from being distant, do you have any other reason to suspect him?

To be honest if my dh accused me of cheating just because he found a selfie on my phone I'd be really upset and think he was totally out of order.

Original poster
MissPiggyandKermitsLoveChild · 07/10/2015 08:49

Thank you for all your responses, I feel asleep about three-ish and have so far spent the morning sorting the children out. I am sleeping on the sofa anyway at the moment as he snores and I was having nights with only one or two hours sleep.

Thank you all for your comments and responses, especially those with regard to my Dad. Perhaps this is my childhood inner psyche telling me that I have never emotionally dealt with it all.

I have reversed google search the image but have not done any other type of tracking etc., did not really want to get to that point.

So, anyway, he left about four ish to get the first train, I did not see him before he left. I sent him a text telling him about the pic I found and he is insistent that it was taken by accident. Don't really know what to make of that response to be honest.

Personally I dont even take my mobile to the bathroom with me, let alone select the camera and then the reverse camera, and press it to take a pic with my camera at arms distance and slightly raised above my head.

I need to get ready for a 12 hour shift at work, I could do without it to be honest...

OP posts:
Notgrumpyjustquiet · 07/10/2015 08:55

OP forgive me if I've missed it but I didn't read any detail about the 'style' of the photo. If it's head and shoulders and he's in his work shirt and tie looking authoritative I'd assume linked in or company website etc. If he's topless and pulling the duck face I'd be more inclined to be suspicious. But even then blokes can be incredibly vain and he could just be checking himself out. Has he become concerned lately about grey hair/ losing his thatch/ eye bags? (Mine is!) He deleted the pic after all so like other posters I'm not going to encourage you to fly off the handle without at least asking him about it, whether he's got previous or not.

BrendaFlange · 07/10/2015 08:57

Aaagh, I meant to add to my list of innocent , pointless selfies, the ones I have taken by accident .

While looking through other pics or reading a text or whatever.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 07/10/2015 09:05

Hmm. I do think that this is reason to be a bit unsettled. I mean, who was the picture for? Not you. So who? And now he is lying (saying it was by accident). That's another cause for concern. The only way to get to the bottom of this, is to get hold of his phone. If it's always in his pocket and never left just lying about, then this speaks volumes. I'd call in sick today. Be kind to yourself x

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 07/10/2015 09:13

If you were at work at the time it was taken he needn't have taken it in the bathroom - presumably he had the whole house to choose from. Perhaps he was just messing about with his phone... I've used it as a mirror before to show DC themselves from a different angle/ what their hair is like at the back - perhaps he was trying to get a look at a spot (as in pimple) on his face which he couldn't get a good look at in the bathroom mirror...

Your gut instinct may be sadly coloured by your childhood and your dad soa bit off - or it may be spot on given your DH has been unfaithful to his previous wife... but either way on its own I think its a giant leap from a fully dressed head and neck selfie just sitting on his phone, to assuming anything at all really, let alone unfaithfulness.

I think this specific selfie says nothing at all - though it doesn't mean your suspicions are unfounded necessarily . but don't found them on this one selfie which as far as you know he's done nothing with and genuinely doesn't sound suspicious as a thing viewed in isolation, to most people.

Chewbecca · 07/10/2015 09:14

I have taken the odd selfie at random places round the house. No 'reason' for it whatsoever. Sometimes maybe to see if a spot shows up or something equally trivial. I have never uploaded a selfie to the Internet, ever. There doesn't need to be an explanation for the selfie.

If you have other cause to worry, explore those, but the pic seems like a massive red herring to me.

GruntledOne · 07/10/2015 09:23

But why would he need to take it in the downstairs bathroom if he wanted to keep it a secret? Surely it would be child's play to do it at work, or any time when you're not around? He could have been trying out the camera function, trying to get a better look at a shaving cut or zit or just seeing what he looked like. I've got a few similar photos of myself when I was messing around trying to get a better shot of myself for Facebook: my dh could just as easily construct a whole torrid affair about the odd fact that I was taking selfies in the bedroom. Guess what, I'm not having an affair.

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