the physical relationship

[dad0f3iii]

Hi all. Im new firstly and yes Im a Dad. I hope this is ok. Ive only ever used this website/forum from afar for hints and tips on bringing up my boys. Been very helpful but never posted. The reason I post is just for some advice regarding my relationship with my wife. We have been married for almost 8 years and together for over 10 years and have 3 gorgeous boys. We had kids early into marriage only being married on our own for 1.5 years. We rarely have any sort of regular sex, around once every couple of weeks or monthly is some instances. But she hates it and she has for a long time. Last year she almost ended up having an affair but it never got to that stage as it all came to the surface when I confronted her after a tip off from a friend. She denied it at first but eventually after days of arguing she admitted it. We want to stay together because we get on really well and we love each other very much. (Im sure she does)(She does tell me as I tell her). What I dont know what to do is how to fix the physical relationship. Its always been a bit of touchy subject in our relationship from the start. She says she just plain doesnt enjoy it and never has in her life even before I met her. I do enjoy it and I would like our relationship to include that side of life more regularly and for both of us to want to and to enjoy it. I suppose Im also just wondering if other couples in a similar situation with kids that sex is just a no no. Or am I unreasonable to want that and go on about it as much as I do with her. she hates talking about it etc. Im just at a loss. Any help please. Or if this is the wrong place please let me know too.

It's not unreasonable for you to want to have a regular sex life with your wife.

It's not unreasonable of her to decide she doesn't want or like sex.

If she was like this from the beginning of your relationship, then it's unlikely that she's going to change now, I'm sorry, especially as it doesn't sound like she wants to change, from what you've said.

I think you either accept that you are never going to have enthusiastic sex with your wife, but she might give you a grudging duty shag now and again; or you leave and find someone who enjoys sex; or you both discuss whether opening the marriage would work, so you could get your needs met elsewhere.

Personally I couldn't be with someone who didn't enjoy sex with me. Or at all. Sex to me is what glues a marriage together; it's the most intimate sharing act.

That's my fear and deep down I kinda feel that's how it's gonna be since its been like that from the start. There are little times now and again once a year probably when it feels good and it feels like it should do. I agree on the fact it acts as a glue and the intimacy of it helps bring you close together. Thank you for your advice. Appreciated.

Oh Dear. I totally get the situation you are in! I am in the very same (but I'm a woman). How old are you both?

We are both in our early 30's. We're still so young. I can't bring it up as we argue whenever it gets talked about. It's draining. Don't wanna mention ages exactly incase she is a member on here. Eeek.

What age are you guys if you don't mind me asking.

I find it interesting that you say she came close to having an affair. If she doesn't like sex, was it just an emotional affair, or is the problem that for some reason she doesn't enjoy sex with you?

Could it be that she has some desire/sexual need that she feels she can't share with you? Do you know who the potential partner was in this affair?

Is your relationship equal in other ways? If (for example) you both work, but she still does all the childcare (it happens often) then the lack of sex might reflect a wider resentment and feelings if inequality. There are many possible reasons. Lack of sex drive is only one of them.

We both work. I'm full time while she is part time. She went part time to look after little one and be there for other two with the likes of school and nursery events. In terms of workload it's balanced. We both do our part with everything whether it be childcare or general house duties. Only thing I rarely do is cook. I'm not great. But I'll tidy up kitchen afterwards etc. Childcare is balanced too. Both love spending time together with our boys. It was emotional. Only a kiss. I believe her. I only knew of him as I dug into the tip off from a friend seeing them spending time together when she was meant to be elsewhere. Don't think she has any desire etc that she can't talk to me about. I'm very open minded and relaxed. From reading other posts on here I think I just need to step back a little and just be there for her for a while. Not get focused on the physical side for just now. It's been a long drawn out saga but maybe proper space from even talking about it may help. She says she wants to be with me and wants it to work in all areas of our relationship. I think she feels as though I don't love her enough. I have good days and bad days as she will too. I'm more understanding some days than others.

Yes, I had to read your op twice to make sure I'd read it right the first time. She doesnt want sex with you but was going to start an affair.

What did she think they were going to do. Play tiddlywinks?

I'm with pocket saviour . I think sex is the glue that holds a marriage together and I'm so sorry that you say you love each other but are not in a mutually satisfying relationship.

I also think her refusal to discuss it doesn't help things but I can see how you are going round and round in circles of exasperation, desperation until you might be getting accused of bullying...and getting no solution.

Obviously you can't go on like this forever. You will eventually look to fulfill your needs elsewhere . Reluctantly at first because it sounds like you would like to fulfill them with the woman you love.

I recommend if she's willing to work on it to go to relate. First of all the counsellor will check your basic relationship is sound and may help to work on the sexual side of things themselves but if she feels that more expert help is needed she can refer you to the sex therapy side. When I worked there relate had an excellent sex therapy dept and I hope that remains.

I hope you can get to a fulfilling relationship but your wife has to be willing to work on it . If she isn't you can go for counselling yourself where you can work on what you want to do because I think it's unreasonable to go without sex for the rest of your life or just have begrudging sex which satisfies noone.

I hope your wife sees this thread and recognises ( both) your problem and wants to get some solution.

While its up in the air life a white elephant in the room it's going to be a breeding ground for resentment and sooner or later will impact on family life. Especially when your children become sexually active.

Hmm. It's possible that you are sexually incompatible, not just in the frequency with which you would like to have sex, but in the type of sex you would like to have.

There is no need for you to actually state which of these sound like you but they are possibilities to consider -

A) You want complicated, time-consuming sex that involves lots of dressing up, toys and fancy scenarios. Some people like this, others do not.

B) You want 'maintenance' sex ie for her to let you hop on and have a go whether she's in the mood or not. Some men like this and most women find it not only distasteful in itself, but it festers away at them that their supposedly loving partner sees them as something he has a right to stick his dick in.

C) You want sex that she finds dull - always missionary position in the marital bed, no talking, no oral... she's the one who actually fancies a bit of dressing up/toys/handcuffs. Again, some people like very straightforward sex and others do not.

A further possibility, if your wife had a religious upbringing (religion is utter poison and does massive damage to sexuality) she might either be unable to rid herself of the idea that sex is a bit disgusting and, once you have children, totally unnecessary - or she might be gay and unable to admit it to herself or anyone else.

Or, despite what op says, there are other problems in the relationship that causes his wife to switch off.

We don't know . We've only heard one side of the story.

That's why going to relate With a willingness to work on the relationship together will allow a counsellor to teasel out any discrepancies.

If everything is hunky dory and just all about sex ( in my opinion it very rarely is) then they can go straight on to sex therapy.

A further possibility, if your wife had a religious upbringing

My Mrs did have a religious upbringing and I feel that some of her issues relate to that. Prior to marriage she was always saying it would be better when we are married.
That would be because of the whole it's wrong to have sex outside marriage religion promoted.

Thank you for the replies. Its definitely a help. I'll raise the possibility of relate to my wife and hopefully we can build from there. I do want it to work and I want the sex side of things to be a mutually enjoyable experience. I don't want her just to roll over and accept it. I would like her to get enjoyment from it too.

Do you like to please her in bed?

Yeah. But she hates me doing anything to her at present.

If you're only having sex once a month this is probably happening around ovulation and it's probably duty sex.

I'm concerned that she openly tells you that she hates sex and doesn't enjoy it, yet you are still having sex with her. It also sounds like you are trying to logic her into wanting sex with all the discussions about it. This simply will not work. You can not talk someone into wanting sex.

Your wife did not nearly have an affair. She did have an affair. She admits to kissing him therefore it was a physical affair , although to what extent it was physical is unknown. Unfortunately it's often much more than that.

What were the consequences for this affair ?

Previous post was in relation to loveyoutothemoon's question. On a side note, main reason for posting on here for is to get a female perspective. Mates are just not into chatting about it and are generally not very helpful.

I do chat to her too much about it. And I probably need to take a huge step back if we are to progress anywhat. With regards to the affair the consequences were a huge apology, a long of discussion about what we wanted and a considerable amount of time just trying to move on and put it behind us. I don't bring it up anymore. I've put it behind me. Trust issues are still there however. But I keep telling myself I'm silly. Don't actually worry about a lot hear days. It's been a while now and she has no interaction with this guy anymore. She's always so busy anyway. And she tells me where she is and it checks out always. There's never time unaccounted. Not checking up on her. It's either swimming lessons for boys or work or valid reason. Been about a year since the kiss and the texts etc.

Do you absolutely KNOW she is no longer in contact or do you assume she isn't ? How did this affair end, did she call him in front of you ? Did she give you full access to phone and emails ?

OK, so the message she appears to be giving out remains that she doesn't want or like sex with you. The fact that you continue to ask for sex and indeed have sex on her (rather than with her - she really does seem to be giving in to shut you up and then, presumably, lying there gritting her teeth until it's over) is, i'm afraid, going to increase her distaste for sex with you rather than reawaken her desire for it.

Would there be negative consequences from family for her - or you - if the marriage were to end? Do either of you live in a community/culture that is hostile to women's autonomy divorce and has other sexist 'traditional' views on men and women and their behaviour? Because I am getting the impression that both of you are enduring your marriage and that you are basically not compatible at all.

Yeah she let me view texts. They stopped. She no longer sees him at the place where they met. I know it's definitely done and buried. Absolutely sure of that. He's not in the picture at all.

We live in a normal uk scenario. There would be no backfire to divorce etc. We'd be supported in the end of it all. Her sister recently divorced and her orients supported her. So that's not an issue.

As for sex she periodically says we can do "something" with no mention from me. Although she knows I want to pretty much any time. I think in just gonna have to step right back from sex altogether for a while and see if that makes a difference. Also look at the relate idea too. Dunno how willing she'd be but I can only ask.

Something's got to give.

She cannot live ad infinitum in this unhappy state.

Either she will have an affair or you will and then everything gets blown out of the water.
Relate will help you to see if there's a future in staying together or if you'd be happier apart and hopefully with new partners.

If you do part better now in an amicable way than after an affair where's there's emotion runnining like wildfire, cheating and lies.

I would love to know why she doesn't want sex with you....but then again I bet you do too.

You could show her this thread, if she hasn't seen it already.

I'm not sure what would be gained from showing her this thread. She knows she doesn't want sex and she knows he does. She possibly would feel very betrayed.

Never show a partner a thread which is based on your complaints of him/her. FFS. If the partner is abusive then it is dangerous to do so as the abusive person may become angry and/or ramp up the abuse (if it's verbal/psychological abuse then the abuser will belittle the poster's concerns and carry on regardless). If it's six of one and half a dozen of the other (ie a difference of opinion rather than an abuse situation) or the OP has conveniently left out some vital information, the other partner is going to be defensive/angry/feel very hurt and betrayed, and not at all likely to start changing his/.her behaviour due to what a lot of strangers have said online.