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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How Can I Turn On My Boyfriend and Initiate Sex to make him want me?

45 replies

o0candypops0o · 05/10/2015 17:57

I've been with him for over 2 years. I'm 24 he's 26.

He's not very emotional or intimate and things like straddling him and kissing him or stroking him or other subtly things like that don't do a thing.

He's recently told me that sex is too repetitive and he does all the work. We have sex once a week if I'm lucky. He has a very low sex drive and says it's because he's lazy and doesn't exercise. I have a very high sex drive so it's quite frustrating. I've taken it very personally and feel unwanted and unattractive.

I have a whole drawer full of sex toys and lingerie sets but neither of us take the initiative to use any of it.

My plan so far is to designate days twice a week to have sex, incorporate a different toy each time, to wear my lingerie sets, I've downloaded a karma sutra app on my phone and have ordered some more things online which should arrive tomorrow.

I'm not the most confident of people so I'm really feeling the pressure to pull this off and get him to want me again. Please advise me on anything I can do to boost my confidence and specially any ways I can initiate sex with someone that reacts to nothing >_< He doesn't like being stroked, doesn't like his ears nibbled, isn't a fan of passionate kissing... I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle before I even begin - HELP!

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 05/10/2015 18:04

Probably best to find a nice sex manual to read in the privacy of your own home, don't you think dear?

LoisPuddingLane · 05/10/2015 18:05

I think you're fighting a losing battle.

mrstweefromtweesville · 05/10/2015 18:07

Leave him.

donajimena · 05/10/2015 18:08

Hmm if my partner designated two days per week as 'sex days' I'd run a mile.
Good God! I don't know what answers you are looking for but your way sounds very unsexy

molyholy · 05/10/2015 18:08

Sorry but you are fighting a losing battle. Mismatched sex drives is hard enough, but it sounds like you are bending over backwards (literally) to get any kind of reaction. His excuse is he is lazy. No shit sherlock! He is not even trying. I would dump him tbh. He obviously can't be arsed.

Original poster
o0candypops0o · 05/10/2015 18:10

After talking to him about it, it was actually HIS idea to designate two days so we can get back into the routine of it. He picked one day and I picked the other...

OP posts:
Original poster
o0candypops0o · 05/10/2015 18:13

Wow, I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community. Enough with the sarcastic comments okay I came here for help and advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
o0candypops0o · 05/10/2015 18:15

Wow, I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community. Enough with the sarcastic comments okay I came here for help and advice.

OP posts:
donajimena · 05/10/2015 18:18

You have had some supportive comments
maybe mine wasn't it sounds like you are totally mismatched in the bedroom department.
To improve your confidence? Well parading around in your lacy smalls for someone who doesn't appear to like sex and rejects you is hardly going to do wonders for your self esteem.
I think you should split up

sugar21 · 05/10/2015 18:26

You may get more response if you get this thread transferred to the sex topic. In general we are mums on here and we don't tend to tell the world that we straddle, put on our lacy knickers, etc. We do tend to talk about poo vomit breast feeding and ttc along with parenting and education.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2015 18:26

You are 24. This will be your life if you stay with this man.
What does he do for a job? Is it manual and tiring?
Crikey I'm nearing 50 and had some impromptu sex this morning.
This is not right and it's not OK for you to keep doing this to please him.
What is he doing to please you.
Lazy!!????

Does he watch a lot of porn?
Do you live together?
If not, then it's time to cut him loose and find someone who wants you.
This guy just isn't that into you!!!

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 18:29

At 24 I would run a mile from someone like this. You do realise in a year or two you won't be having any sex at all, don't you? Your twenties is the time for trying out relationships and to see what works for you. This doesn't, so move on!

AngieWhats · 05/10/2015 18:30

You're SO young.

If I were you, I would NOT be settling for a guy who is lazy, unemotional, finds it hard to be intimate, doesn't like sex, can't be arsed to exercise etc etc...and I certainly wouldn't be pulling out all the stops with sex toys, lingerie and kinky apps for him!

DarkRosaleen · 05/10/2015 18:35

I would consider leaving. At your age and life stage (no children?) you should both have pretty high drives. This is probably as good as it gets.
I would suspect drug use, porn, confused sexuality or he has gone right off you. Sorry.

honeyh365 · 05/10/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 05/10/2015 18:35

He doesn't like sex. Bin him off and find someone who does. Life's too short!

Gabilan · 05/10/2015 18:36

You sound mismatched. At 24 I would just move on. You're trying but it doesn't sound like fun for either of you

Mom2K · 05/10/2015 18:41

You need to get out of this relationship asap. You cannot do anything that will change his behaviour, and your attempts to get him interested will just continue to erode your confidence every time he rejects you.

I'm not being cynical - I speak from experience. He is lazy, selfish and doesn't care about your needs. It would be a different matter if he was impotent or had some other medical issue preventing him from having sex...but even in that scenario, a man that loves and cares for you could still meet your sexual needs in other ways. This man just doesn't care, plain and simple. Don't waste your life on him...this will only get worse and as a previous poster said...you will end up in a completely sexless relationship. If you're ok with that then stay. If you're not, cut your losses and go now.

Flowers
Mom2K · 05/10/2015 18:43

Just to provide some context....I married my ex when we were both 21, and my guy sounds exactly like yours. I'm now 30 and finally divorcing him. I wish I hadn't wasted my 20's on him.

Fratelli · 05/10/2015 18:47

Sorry but I would also move on. Sex should be spontaneous and fun. It sounds like he's just got a very low sex drive and it will only get lower I'm afraid. Sorry it isn't the answer you're looking for Flowers

gatewalker · 05/10/2015 19:23

It sounds like you're taking responsibility for things in the relationship that have little to do with you at all - namely his low sex-drive, his self-admission of laziness, and his non-responsiveness.

It is almost certain he won't change, OP. Please consider leaving the relationship and finding someone more compatible.

GrimpenMire · 05/10/2015 19:25

I could not be arsed to do one tenth of what you have done and I have a few self esteem issues myself. Why bother? He doesn't! I would be letting this one go OP. Way too much effort for someone that doesn't appreciate it.

Kewcumber · 05/10/2015 19:32

You like sex, he doesn't - 24 is too young to be compromising in something like that especially if you're not married and have no children.

Designate all the "sex days" you like - he either doesn;t get turned on by you or he just has a much lower sex drive - IME neither of those things is going to change.

Starkswillriseagain · 05/10/2015 20:12

OP I do worry that you aren't compatible in the bedroom which can really lead to issues later but I understand that you want to try first.

Have you asked him what he does like?

You could spend a night just you and he focusing on you both, have some finger food you enjoy with each other and a little wine? Then spend time telling each other what you like and doing it?

Role playing games can also e fun: strangers in a bar etc.

If it doesn't work though OP, know when to call an end to it. The last thing you want is to keep trying when it's just not working, and both of you need to be on board. The moment one isn't is time to think about finishing.

Hopefully things will even out, just keep talking.

usual · 05/10/2015 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.