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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How Can I Turn On My Boyfriend and Initiate Sex to make him want me?

45 replies

o0candypops0o · 05/10/2015 17:57

I've been with him for over 2 years. I'm 24 he's 26.

He's not very emotional or intimate and things like straddling him and kissing him or stroking him or other subtly things like that don't do a thing.

He's recently told me that sex is too repetitive and he does all the work. We have sex once a week if I'm lucky. He has a very low sex drive and says it's because he's lazy and doesn't exercise. I have a very high sex drive so it's quite frustrating. I've taken it very personally and feel unwanted and unattractive.

I have a whole drawer full of sex toys and lingerie sets but neither of us take the initiative to use any of it.

My plan so far is to designate days twice a week to have sex, incorporate a different toy each time, to wear my lingerie sets, I've downloaded a karma sutra app on my phone and have ordered some more things online which should arrive tomorrow.

I'm not the most confident of people so I'm really feeling the pressure to pull this off and get him to want me again. Please advise me on anything I can do to boost my confidence and specially any ways I can initiate sex with someone that reacts to nothing >_< He doesn't like being stroked, doesn't like his ears nibbled, isn't a fan of passionate kissing... I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle before I even begin - HELP!

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 05/10/2015 20:24

Of all the forums, why would you post on a parenting website for sex advice?

Starkswillriseagain · 05/10/2015 20:30

To be fair there is a sex topic that could work. Maybe you should get it moved there OP, because there isn't any AIBU in your OP?

HubertsBirthdayStick · 05/10/2015 20:32

Is he gay

DarkRosaleen · 05/10/2015 20:43

Fairenuff,

Possibly because lots of others do.

Fairenuff · 05/10/2015 20:51

On a parenting website posters are going to be wary of giving 'sex tips' to a stranger online.

You would get more of what you're looking for on a forum more specific to your needs OP.

Starkswillriseagain · 05/10/2015 20:57

I think OP wants sex tips but really I wonder what the OPs OH is doing about this dry spell? Right now it seems like it's all on her and affecting her confidence.

He doesn't like this, or this or that...so what does he like? He wants regimented sex ut that itself can be boring so what excites him and what excites the OP. It's not all about him, OP and turning him on...

Original poster

o0candypops0o · 07/10/2015 18:27

I feel like there is a pattern emerging here! I can see that everyone is saying for me to leave him. For those of you saying I shouldn't post about sex here why not? You're all female, and as you're all mums you clearly know how to have sex that'd why you're on here. Most of you are probably older and a lot more experienced than me hence why I thought you were a good target audience for my question and would give me sensible answers. If I posted this on yahoo or something I'd just get a bunch of 14 year old trolls. But anyway it seems that the only advice I can take from this is give it one last shot and if that doesn't work then pack my bags and don't look back. Thanks for your help, I'm not one to give up so I'll give it my best but I should know when to call it a day and if nothing else you've opened my eyes to that.

OP posts:

NumbBlaseCold · 07/10/2015 20:39

Not everyone is a mum on here Candy, but I suspect most if not all have had sex.Try for a bit but keep dropping in mind.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/10/2015 20:48

Not everyone here is female either.

Fairenuff · 07/10/2015 22:40

Not everyone wants to respond to any old random asking them how they turn their boyfriend on.

After all, they could be some old geezer wanking into a sock couldn't they.

But you've had good relationship advice.

daisychain01 · 07/10/2015 23:24

Candy pops please also be aware that you are potentially violating people's privacy asking them for tips and tricks. This is the Internet. A public space.

You've mentioned you and your DP aren't exactly setting the world alight. People on here have suggested that maybe you aren't well suited or that he has some other underlying problem. Please don't ask people to give more than they're prepared to, you'll have a long wait. But feel free to stroll along to a more suitable forum if you find you arent getting enough of the right kind of "information" OK?

Eekaman · 07/10/2015 23:34

Hey OP,

Male here and I'm agreeing with the general consensus - your sex life with this man is as good as it's going to get. From here on, it might well have brief moments of excitement, but it will slip back into the rut again because of his self professed laziness; deep down, you possibly already know this.

You are young, too young to be putting up with this, so please, call it quits, move on, find someone more into you. Good luck.

(Although, I should add for your information going forward, most men are into the visual aspect, so dressing up is a pretty well guaranteed winner, and most men don't really get off with cuddles and subtle things... maybe be more direct.)

CactusAnnie · 07/10/2015 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizabethJess · 08/10/2015 00:36

Almost certainly gay. If not, then into another woman.
Nothing to do here but destroy your own self esteem by trying to achieve the impossible.

Move along. He should be toast to you.

FeelsLikeHome123 · 08/10/2015 01:11

He should pop along to see his gp and get his thyroid function checked.
If you are this incompatible in your preferences after only 2 years, it may be time to look at the long term picture. If you decide to stay together, you have probably about another50+ years together, without intimacy or any type of physical attraction, is that really how you both want to live

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/10/2015 01:29

Er. "going to bed in nightclothes" does it for me. Or just 'being around when the children are not". And we're in our 40's.

Sounds fairly unusual for a young man, tbh. Maybe you might want to talk about it, rather than trying to think of ways to entice him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/10/2015 02:18

All that booking in sex with toys, lingerie and karma sutra apps sounds utterly depressing. If he doesn't like sex then all the outfits and gymnastics in the world isn't going to get him interested.
Give it a shot by all means but please know when yo call it a day. This is no life at all.

Gabilan · 08/10/2015 13:20

"Most of you are probably older and a lot more experienced than me hence why I thought you were a good target audience for my question and would give me sensible answers."

I can think of various reasons for not openly discussing sex tips in the Relationship section on MN. 1. you're never as anonymous as you think on the internet 2. Even if you are, some people will have built up relationships on here and be "known" as their online persona, so wouldn't want to overshare 3. Although I dislike troll hunting, you do have to keep it in the back of your mind that someone might not be who they say they are and 4. I think you were getting sensible answers.

I appreciate that you wanted hints and tips on how to turn him on. However, having been in a relationship with someone with a lower sex drive than me I know how humiliating it can be. Plus, you really shouldn't be persuading anyone to have sex if they don't want to, male or female. So I wasn't going to give you advice on how to make yourself feel worse by being repeatedly rejected when the sensible advice was "you're only 24, move on". If you still wants hints and tips I second the PP who said to use the Love Honey forum.

moopymoodle · 08/10/2015 14:14

I think telling the OP to run before delving deeper is a bit much. OP, have you had any issues in the relationship like lots of arguing or a bad atmosphere? If so it's very likely that those issues will contribute. If not then I would seriously consider taking the advice given on here. If he has no good reason for been the way he is them it's likely nothing you will do is going to entice him. If he's lazy then why should you have to anxiously Try to get him interested with designated days, lingerie and toys.

Me and my DH have our weeks where we maybe only have sex once but when somebody is into you and loves you then it should come naturally to them to want you.

Kewcumber · 08/10/2015 16:37

*Not everyone is a mum on here Candy

Not everyone here is female either*

And not everyone who is both has children and is female gave birth to their children so technically its possible has not had sex.

Though I am splitting hairs because though DS was adopted rather than home-grown I have indeed had sex. But not generally to someone who wasn't interested, otherwise I would have left.

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