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Original poster

WWYD different religions, parents and is he lying?

44 replies

Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 17:02

Long time poster, but changed name. Sorry this is long.

Met a guy online last year. I'm 32, he's 33. Dated exclusive for 8 months now.
He's met my friends, DD and my family.
I've met not one single person from his family or his friends. I've never been to his house (lives with his parents)

I've brought up the whole meeting his family a few times. There is always an excuse like i don't have much to do with my friends. You're my only friend really. I gave him an ultimatum a month or two ago. Saying if I don't meet his family then I'm going to assume he's hiding something. Like a wife etc (checked every record nothing about him being married) he also states he isn't married..

He comes from a mixed family. Dad is Muslim and mum is Jehovah's Witness.
When we met. He said he wasn't either and both his parents (they're split mums remarried) were always trying to send him to their religion. It's since come out recently he's been going to JW meetings (lying to me pretending he's sleeping etc) apparently he didn't want to upset me....

So it transpires (according to him) that his mother is very concerned that I'm not a JW and that if he's serious about me how's it going to work with children etc. my stance on this is I'm catholic and I am brought up to respect everyone, but I would never not celebrate Xmas or birthdays and I would refuse to take that away from a child (esp as I already have a child)

He says to this he wants kids and how would it work as he would want to take them to meetings etc. I said no. Why is your faith the one that gets to be spoken about?! I said the only thing here is to go separate ways, you find yourself a JW woman your mother will approve of. Or if we decided to carry on and have kids and marriage, we bring them up without religion and let them decide when they're ready what oath they wish to choose.

So he went with that option because apparently he loves me and his mother can get stuffed if she doesn't like it. I told him he needs to move out of his mothers house.

Speaking to my mum who is a great judge of character she thinks I should cut my losses as it'll never work. I'll never be accepted into his family. Of he chooses me he will always begrudge me. I'll always be the one left out as he will have to do things with his family. My mum thinks it'll be hard work and a lot of heartache for me. I'm inclined to believe and listen to my mum. My friends however think it could work and that it doesn't matter if his family don't accept me. I'm torn right now as I really don't want another failed relationship. My head, heart and gut aren't telling me anything and I would rather hear what others think of the situation than my friends as they're not sometimes the best people to offer advice.

TIA

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 17:08

Listen to your mum; she's giving you really good advice.

I find it really hard to believe a devout JW would marry a devout Muslim. What's the religion of the man she's married to now?

He doesn't sound nice enough to lose everything for. You can't really trust what he says, his family are hostile to you, he doesn't have any friends. It's not an attractive proposition, is it?

KittensandKids · 05/10/2015 17:11

My ex was JW and we were married for 16 years but personally I would listen to your Mum. I never listened to mine and she was right. My inlaws are lovely people but very different.

ftmsoon · 05/10/2015 17:11

Run! My friend is a pagan and married a lapsed JW. He's gone back to it and it's horrible for everyone.

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 17:11

Thank you for replying. I said the same thing re his parents. He says neither were religious then...

I've never met his family or any of his friends. So he says it's his mother who's he's having arguments with all because I'm not a JW.

He's a decent bloke other (well from what I've seen) and we click, but I'm starting to think my mums right. End of the day she's got no reason to say anything other than to protect me. I just feel so torn. He is perfect is everything it's just this whole religion and his family.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/10/2015 17:12

Agree 100% with Imperial. This isn't going to work!

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 17:13

Sorry forgot to add her new husband is JW

OP posts:
Joysmum · 05/10/2015 17:26

Taking this at face value and this is about religion...

You're not meeting his parents now because he is afraid to be his own person.

If he can't be his own person enough now to even feel comfirtable with introducing you then there's no way this will work when the stakes are raised and kids come into the equation.

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 18:28

Kittens in what way were they different? He says he wants to move out and will start the ball rolling. We even discussed me moving in with him, but am I being stupid here for even considering it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 18:30

Joysmum, do you think it could change if he moves out? I get the feeling he's constantly surrounded by it and can't escape unless he moves out. I also get the feeling like he doesn't want to disappoint his mum. Maybe I'm clutching at straws here, but opinions all welcome please!

OP posts:
NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 05/10/2015 18:43

I had a quite difficult relationship with someone who lived with her parents at a similar age. Not judging, there are all sorts of reasons adults sometimes need (or even choose) to live with their parents, but it did make certain things very difficult - hard for her to be her own person and not feel obliged to fall in line with her parents' wishes in that situation, and I can imagine it's the same for your boyfriend. So moving out might make all the difference. But moving straight in together sounds unwise, because what if it doesn't change things? I can't see those issues going away, especially if you do have a child together.

DarkRosaleen · 05/10/2015 18:48

Hmmm. I would be concerned regarding a number of things.
Firstly, how mature and independent is he? He sounds controlled by his Mum. Will she be the third person in your relationship insisting on her values being applied to your family life?
Secondly could your bring up a family with JW principles. What if you have a shared life and he began to insist on JW religion?
Thirdly, listen to your Mum and then discuss her concerns firstly with her and then with your BF. He might have a convincing counter argument that soothes your concerns.

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 18:58

Hi Nell, we spoke on Friday and I stupidly suggested it and he was all for it. Then I backtracked as it was a spur of the moment thing. I said to him I think he needs to live on his own for a while as it'll do him good. I dint think with all this happening I want to live with him right now as nothing he says ever actually happens. I want so,e action rather than words for once. I think I'd be be very stupid to move in with him without reassurances from him that were backed up. ( all I ever have is his word. Never seen his house or met anyone. How do I know everything he's ever told me isn't a lie?)

Dark, he seems kind of independent, but again that's what he's told me. I've nothing to back up what he says. I'm guessing he is kind of controlled by his mum, but I find that odd a man of 33 being controlled by mummy. I couldn't bring up a family with a religion I don't wish to take part in, no. In the beginning he was adamant he wasn't religious. Had he been honest I wouldn't have wasted my time and I think he knows that. Now it's further down the line I've stupidly fallen in love with him. I haven't mentioned to him what my mother thinks as I dint think that's important unless we do break up. I guess I'm protecting us both incase we do work out and he resents my mother further down the line.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 05/10/2015 19:00

My friend was with a man like this. His mother refused to meet her, he wouldn't stand up to her, he swore he loved her (perhaps he did). The relationship carried on slowly faltering, while his mother searched for suitable arranged brides and he did nothing. Of course it ended. But only after a lot of heartbreak.

honeyroar · 05/10/2015 19:00

And as someone else said, it's not about the religion, it's about him not caring enough to fight/ stand up for you, about him not putting you first..

Piratespoo · 05/10/2015 19:01

Why don't you say, this Saturday, we are going to your house for a cup of tea. Tell your mum.
If he starts blabbering, cut your losses. What exactly is the problem with meeting her after all this time? He sounds like a baby or a liar, neither of which you want.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 05/10/2015 19:06

I am sorry but i'm a bit confused. Did both his parents convert to their respective religions after they married? I know very little about jws, apart from the blood thing and not celebrating Christmas etc, but I always assumed that anyone who married outside the faith would have been cast out.

Are there different sects within jw? Also if someone has a strong faith why would they hide it from their partner?

RandomMess · 05/10/2015 19:08

Yeah he's 33 and still trying to keep his Mum happy...

Cut your losses, it's a huge thing to overcome and I don't think he's ready.

MumOfOne14 · 05/10/2015 19:10

I think if he's just a JW for his mums sake, then maybe it could work with you as I don't think he will stick to the religions requirements, especially if he moves out, But if he's a JW because he wants to be, then it's going to cause a lot of problems down the line.

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 19:21

Honey roar, I wonder if it's the same man? I've actually asked him outright if his mother has been setting him up with JW women. He says no way would he do that and not tell me... ?? I wanted to make my mind up after meeting his family as I think I'd get a gut feeling then and could cut my losses. But that don't look possible now.

Piratespoo, he will come up with something. And it'll always be plausible it always is.

Grief, I asked this as said it's such a diverse set of religions. His response was neither of them were religious back then and were only religious later on it life.. Not sure if to believe that though. I don't know much more than you on the JW front.

Random, do you think I should give him a few months to move out? I wouldn't tell him I'm giving him a few months mind. Maybe see if he leaves by January? It's not like he can't afford it.

Mum, that's what I'm hoping for. But unless he moves out and actually does what he says for once I cant really believe it can I?

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 19:24

He's a mummys boy. Her influence won't suddenly stop once he's moved out.

Joysmum · 05/10/2015 19:48

I think you're right to see how things go when he's moved out, and to not move in together until you can see how he is when not under their influence.

I fear the worst but the only way you'll know is to see it for yourself. That's a long time to be investing in something with not very good odds tbh.

Original poster
Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 20:02

Joy, you're saying exactly what my mums saying. Are you my mum? Lol thing is I know you're both right. So why am I trying to hold out to try and prove everyone wrong?

OP posts:
tunnockt3acake · 05/10/2015 20:11

33 still living at home !

I expect his family do not know about you

I expect he will be expected only to move out once he is married (to someone else)

or

He could choose to cut all ties with his family & live with you

That is probably the stark truth

I would ask him to choose be with you or stay with his mother with a short deadline like a week

I would cut & run

Nevergrowingup · 05/10/2015 20:16

I'm with your Mum on this.

Even entering into relationship without any of this is difficult. By that I mean that every relationship has its ups and downs, often tiny irritations but they make it feel like hard work.

Add in your uneasiness about the religion issues and you've got a mountain to climb. It shouldn't be this much hard work at this stage.

amarmai · 05/10/2015 20:16

he sounds way too good with the explanations and you say he lied about religion until you were hooked. Maybe you are still being lied to until you are signed sealed delivered and pregnant. There are a lot of red flags here . I'd back away.