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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD different religions, parents and is he lying?

44 replies

Dontknownono · 05/10/2015 17:02

Long time poster, but changed name. Sorry this is long.

Met a guy online last year. I'm 32, he's 33. Dated exclusive for 8 months now.
He's met my friends, DD and my family.
I've met not one single person from his family or his friends. I've never been to his house (lives with his parents)

I've brought up the whole meeting his family a few times. There is always an excuse like i don't have much to do with my friends. You're my only friend really. I gave him an ultimatum a month or two ago. Saying if I don't meet his family then I'm going to assume he's hiding something. Like a wife etc (checked every record nothing about him being married) he also states he isn't married..

He comes from a mixed family. Dad is Muslim and mum is Jehovah's Witness.
When we met. He said he wasn't either and both his parents (they're split mums remarried) were always trying to send him to their religion. It's since come out recently he's been going to JW meetings (lying to me pretending he's sleeping etc) apparently he didn't want to upset me....

So it transpires (according to him) that his mother is very concerned that I'm not a JW and that if he's serious about me how's it going to work with children etc. my stance on this is I'm catholic and I am brought up to respect everyone, but I would never not celebrate Xmas or birthdays and I would refuse to take that away from a child (esp as I already have a child)

He says to this he wants kids and how would it work as he would want to take them to meetings etc. I said no. Why is your faith the one that gets to be spoken about?! I said the only thing here is to go separate ways, you find yourself a JW woman your mother will approve of. Or if we decided to carry on and have kids and marriage, we bring them up without religion and let them decide when they're ready what oath they wish to choose.

So he went with that option because apparently he loves me and his mother can get stuffed if she doesn't like it. I told him he needs to move out of his mothers house.

Speaking to my mum who is a great judge of character she thinks I should cut my losses as it'll never work. I'll never be accepted into his family. Of he chooses me he will always begrudge me. I'll always be the one left out as he will have to do things with his family. My mum thinks it'll be hard work and a lot of heartache for me. I'm inclined to believe and listen to my mum. My friends however think it could work and that it doesn't matter if his family don't accept me. I'm torn right now as I really don't want another failed relationship. My head, heart and gut aren't telling me anything and I would rather hear what others think of the situation than my friends as they're not sometimes the best people to offer advice.

TIA

OP posts:

Joysmum · 05/10/2015 20:25

Trouble is, you're caught up in the emotion of it and it can't be hard to look at things logically.

Just try to remember this doesn't mean you're wrong and it's not a negative against you. I'm sure he's a lovely person and that's why you'd like everyone to be wrong. Trouble is that issues that big really are deal breakers so think it's worth thinking about this very carefully.

You're only 8 months into this relationship, imagine being a year or 2 years, or 3 years + kids down the line. The longer this goes, the more you'll feel you've invested and the harder you'll find it to break out as that time pressure keeps building.

Have a good long think, but remember the longer this goes in for the harder it will be.

PS your mum rocks!

StarkyTheDirewolf · 06/10/2015 01:07

I also agree with your mum. And joysmum .

Adarajames · 06/10/2015 01:26

JWs are pretty cult like (they're listed on some of the cult watch organisations), and lots of cutting people out of their lives if they marry / have relationships outside their church. Run while you can!

StarkyTheDirewolf · 06/10/2015 01:39

^ yep, being "defellowshipped" ^

OP, I only know from my experience, (was with a JW boy from 17-20) there were huge expectations on me/us to live a certain way, be a certain way, for me to convert wasn't going to happen and the idea that because I was in "the world" that I wasn't "pure". It's a difficult set of expectations to live up to (and my bf was lapsed, didn't attend, lived alone from being 16, only hadn't been disowned because he hadn't been baptised into " the truth" the idea being there was still time to "save" him and by extension, to a certain extent, save me.) It was scary.

Atenco · 06/10/2015 05:45

Mmm, a friend of mine went out with a man who wouldn't tell his parents about her, as if she were a dirty secret.

Frankly that kind of coward is no good as a life partner, because they will always keep secrets and lie if needs be to avoid problems.

HellKitty · 06/10/2015 05:54

A friend of ours, his wife and young children were JWs. His parents converted when he was young. They've since left the church and are fully fledged atheists now but they have no contact with their families. Both families disowned them. I have heard that quite a lot, maybe your BF is scared of being thrown out of his family? It's a shit way to live whatever, I do think if he 'gives up' his life for you he may get resentful.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 06/10/2015 06:17

This may sound a bit pessimistic but imagine that you do have children and then he gets back involved with being a JW. You split up. It's Christmas/ their birthday, his turn to have the dc that weekend and you have to wave them off knowing that they won't be celebrating. Even worse one has an accident in his care and he refuses treatment. For me, if he is still going to meetings I wouldn't risk it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/10/2015 06:34

He's lived under mummy's influence for 33 years - what makes you think a couple of months of living alone will break that?
I think if you have children with him you will be storing yourself up a mountain of problems for the future.

Iggi999 · 06/10/2015 06:38

No no no. If the religion wasn't JW, or if he was adamant he wanted nothing to do with it - but this will always be with you. That is how it works.

FannyFanakapan · 06/10/2015 16:53

My friend lived with a jw for years...he was told he would be shunned if they married. So they were Wed and his parents did not speak to him again. Until he divorced her some 8 years later.

Original poster

Dontknownono · 06/10/2015 17:18

Thank you all for your replies. I think the odds are stacked against us and it's not really worth carrying on. You've all brought valid points along with those of my mums. I personally don't wish to be with someone who's family are so closed minded. It would bother me if they had nothing to do with me. That's not how I want to bring up any children or live my live that way. I'm starting to think as he knew all this along it's part of a plan to get me to convert. This is frankly never going to happen.

I guess I need to figure out how and when to tell him it's over. It'll be difficult as I know he will try and talk me round. I'll keep everyone updated if you don't mind. Might take a week or two

OP posts:

TheSnowFairy · 06/10/2015 23:55

Good luck OP.

I agree with the advice you've been given.

BIL's mum is JW. He married SIL (not religious) and had 2 children. He has now gone back to JW and it has torn their marriage apart and caused a lot of heartache. The unilateral decisions made by one JW member in a family have far reaching ramifications.

TheSnowFairy · 06/10/2015 23:56

PS and he wants SIL to convert. She just wants out.

Original poster

Dontknownono · 07/10/2015 17:56

Thanks Snow. Seems everyone's agreed with my mum lol I just need to figure out when and how to say it to him. I'm such a wuss. Can I go crazy on him so he thinks I'm weird and dumps me?! I think that's a better outcome lol

OP posts:

Ricardian · 07/10/2015 18:03

And that's before we consider what happens were you to have children with him and one of them needed a life-saving blood-transfusion. That would put some of the "My mother in law has used my best Pyrex jug to mix paint, should I go no-contact" threads into sharp perspective.

BoGrainger · 07/10/2015 18:21

My immediate thought also was a wife hidden away somewhere! Everything you know about this man is what he's told you. You don't even know if he actually has a mother! I'm afraid the JW connection, however slight, would have me running for the hills. Good luck in making the right decision.

Rockytoptennessee · 07/10/2015 18:46

A good friend was brought up by JW parents. She has publicly left the JWs. Her parents have now cut all contact with her. It's more of a cult than a religion.

tableanadchairs · 07/10/2015 18:55

keep it simple
This relationship isn't working for me bye. no need for excuses
Then block

Smorgasboard · 07/10/2015 19:35

If you don't have an address for where he lives and have not been round to investigate further, you need to bin him for that reason alone. Sod the religion, he says was at JW meetings while claiming to be asleep, he could just as easily be with an OW. He may even be living with his wife/partner rather than his mother.
Really, if you are going to OLD don't take everything you are told as the truth. There are a lot of fantasists around and you need to be sorting out who's being honest by having more proof - like going to their residence and having there address for a start. Never date anyone exclusively if you don't know where they live, is a good rule to start with, it should be a minimum requirement.

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