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Original poster

How do I say no?

36 replies

Patchworkturtle · 05/10/2015 11:19

Following a nasty break up recently I booked a trip to Euro Disney for me and my little boy in November. We've never been away just the two of us and I was terribly excited at the prospect of having our first adventure just me and him.

The problem is my mum has sort of invited herself along. She said over and over its my decision and I've said I just want it to be me and my son. However in the last week she's advised me she's been put on anti depressants, she's arguing with dad all the time and needs a break, and would desperately like to come with us for the 5 days. She even said she would pay for the trip in full.

Now money isn't an issue for me, I wouldn't have booked the trip if I couldnt afford it, and I really want some time with my son. I'm alarmed that she's practically begging me to come, especially when the three of us went earlier in the year for a weekend and we were at each other's throats the entire time.

I love my mum dearly, and don't want to hurt her, but she's quite controlling, is always at my house, has just shoehorned my brother a job at the place she works, is very very involved in all aspects of my life despite any attempt to pull away on my part. I don't want her to ruin this holiday- I need something to look forward to as I've been really down since me and ex split up and the excitement of planning instantly disappears when I imagine it being anyone more than me and my son on the trip.

How do I let her down gently? I'm concerned she's low, so perhaps I'm being selfish? I'm so conflicted as to what to do.

OP posts:

Hornydilemma · 05/10/2015 11:27

I had something similar with my mum about 10 years ago - I'm a lone parent, and was going away to Portugal with DD (as I work FT I only see her for long periods at weekends)

I was just very blunt - "DD is missing me as I work FT and is really looking forward to time just with me, it would change the dynamic of the holiday if it wasn't just us, and I've promised her we will spend some special time together because I work such long hours".

This stopped the main discussions about the holiday, and then when there was an indirect comment "Oh I've no one to go on holidays with" I pointed her at my brother and my sister "Why don't you ask one of them?"

(of course she didn't because both of them were in relationships at the time - there's a whole other thread I could write about everyone assuming my time was theirs as I had no partner to spend it with, but once you're in a relationship it's like your decisions re how to spend your time are perceived as more important...)

bjrce · 05/10/2015 11:27

This is a very difficult situation to be in.

I know you feel bad about your mum, it does appear she really wants to go with you.
Just an idea, if money is not an issue for your mum, why not plan another break with her, ie somewhere hot or a nice city etc.
To be really honest, I don't see how Euro Disney could appeal to your mum, she must really want to get away with you.
I do understand the part of your mum being a really strong and controlling aspect of your life, have had to deal with this myself. Used to getting her own way.

Would a separate break/holiday be an option?

Bloodyhellfire123 · 05/10/2015 11:30

[clears throat] "no"

In all seriousness, it sounds like you're seeking permission to say no. You already know that her coming along with you will make you unhappy but she's trying to guilt you into it. I've been on the receiving end of family guilt before and it's horrible. And in this scenario it already sounds like she's starting to ruin your looked-forward-to trip. Just gently explain that you would really like to go just you and your son and maybe you could arrange a different trip with her which she can pay for and ask her to plan it, a weekend away maybe. It'll hopefully appease her, won't ruin your trip to Disney and will give her something to focus on and look forward to.

Original poster

Patchworkturtle · 05/10/2015 11:34

That's what is frustrating and upsetting for me- I have suggested she and I have a holiday at least twice a year for the last 8 years (since I left home). She has literally never taken me up on the offer, she just isn't interested.

It's so difficult because she can be quite spiteful and I know if I say no she won't drop it, the guilt trip will just continue until I go and then she won't want to hear about the trip when we get back.

One of my biggest regrets in life was not getting away from my hometown when I had the chance- I live my life like a 26 year old child it's worse now I'm a single parent.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2015 11:34

How do I let her down gently?
You don't!
From your description of her I would say she doesn't take hints or the such like.
Be seriously firm on this one.

'No mum, you can't come. I have booked this as time for me and DS and that is that. Stop asking because I'm not going to change my mind'

No sorry or please or anything like that. She will see that as a weakness and pounce.
Keep it firm and short.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 11:35

Why would she want to go away with you (and vice versa) when it was rubbish last time? What's her view of what happened last time you went away together?

I would just say no. Say you want to spend the time just you and your son. If you back down now, you might as well not go away at all.

Tell her to book something with her husband - if they're arguing now it'll give them a chance to get close again.

kittybiscuits · 05/10/2015 11:50

Sorry Mum. Not this time.

Sighing · 05/10/2015 11:53

Sorry mum, that's a no.
You're really keen for a break mum, you deserve one. Here's some spa weekend ideas. You should try one

Scobberlotcher · 05/10/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 12:02

I agree with Scobberlotcher. Just be honest and remind her of the last time you went away.

Friendlystories · 05/10/2015 12:10

There is no 'perfect' solution here, either you let her come and ruin what should be a special trip for you and DS or you say no and put up with your mum making you feel guilty. I would say no, doesn't really matter what reason you give (although wanting one on one time with your son, your experience last time you went away with your mum and just plain not wanting her to come are all perfectly valid) the result will be the same and you cannot control or be responsible for her response. You obviously care about her feelings or you would not be worried about her needing time away etc but sometimes your feelings (and your sons') should come first and there's nothing wrong in that. The idea of an alternative break is a good one, even if she says no at least you've tried to offer a compromise. Stick to your guns and have a great time, your mum can only make you feel guilty if you let her and time alone with your son is precious

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/10/2015 13:27

Good post, Fern.
Patchwork , guilt is a tricky thing, imho. Only you can make yourself feel guilty. Your mom is manipulating you. You have been trained to bow to this out of ...family duty?

I doubt you mother will ever change. You wouldn't be able to change her anyway; but you can change yourself.
Stop feeling guilty.
Your mother will react to your decisions as she will-it need not affect you. Having a tissy fit if she doesn't get her way just shows she's a spoiled brat. Don't back down and it isn't too late to move away .

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 13:30

She has someone to go away with - her husband. I think if the last holiday had gone really well things might be different, but she's proven she can't be taken away on holiday without everything being spoiled.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/10/2015 13:41

How to say "no"?
An effective way to shut someone down when they are so dismissive of your stance is a rapid fire "no,no,no,no" . And repeat, repeat until that conversation is over. If you feel you need to say something else, go with "that doesn't work for me" but even that gives an opening for argument.

It may seem rude, but get past that...she is being rude by not listening to you. So anything past "no" is a waste of your breath.

Is it possible to make plans and not tell her at all? She sounds like someone with whom it would only be safe to discuss things after the fact.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/10/2015 13:48

Maybe she feels you arent safe alone? Some people find the thought of being alone unbearable.
Say no, mean no, your holiday, your child, your money. Enjoy.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2015 14:01

Sally, the OP clearly says that her mum fancies a break, rather than she thinks she won't be safe alone in Euro Disney!

Original poster

Patchworkturtle · 05/10/2015 14:17

There is a degree of truth in what Sally has said actually, but that's a different post entirely.

She keeps saying things like 'make sure you lose your luggage before you lose him' and 'keep him away from the tracks at St Pancras'.. It's infuriating, upsetting and as a 26 year old woman it makes me feel like I'm a terrible incapable mother.
If I pull her up about it she tells me I just need to heed her advice then she won't have to keep repeating herself- FWIW I have no intention of him going anywhere but half a foot from either side of me at any time!!

I'll tell her tonight. I almost want to cancel, save everybody the aggravation.

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/10/2015 14:35

So she is worried about you being alone, but worried she`ll worry!! She projecting her fears. You are capable, and, you are a different generation to your mom ... its an age thing!! So shes trying to guilt you, so she can come and keep an eye on you.

ravenmum · 05/10/2015 14:45

It is SO NICE to have a trip away on your own the first time after spending an extended time (and maybe other holidays) with a difficult partner. Your mum evidently doesn't know how you feel. I'd also go for the brief and firm approach, but how about offering her something else at the same time? A mother and daughter shopping trip together before Christmas? A trip to a spa?

0dfod · 05/10/2015 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Friendlystories · 05/10/2015 14:55

Please don't do that op! You and your son deserve to have a fun trip together, don't let your mums' negativity spoil it. I know it's hard to switch off the feelings her comments cause but as Sally says, your holiday, your child and this is your life and no one has the right to tell you how to live it. I actually think this is more important than just the holiday too, if you cave in to pressure now you're setting a precedent, your mum needs to understand you are an adult and perfectly capable of making good decisions and keeping your son safe. Make this a starting point for asserting your independence and refusing to be manipulated by guilt or the implication you are not capable of managing your own life. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently with the break up so it's really important that you feel in control of your life going forward. It's understandable that your mum may be worried about you if she's seen you go through a rough time but she needs to support your decisions not make you doubt yourself and it's definitely not fair to let her own issues interfere with you building your confidence as a single parent. I really hope you won't let anything spoil your special time with your son, enjoy it you deserve it

Isetan · 05/10/2015 16:30

I almost want to cancel, save everybody the aggravation.

She treats like a 26 year old kid, in part, because you let her. Cancelling the trip only sends the message that you aren't capable of going on a trip without her. Would disappointing your son be more favourable than disappointing your Mum? I'm sorry she's being difficult but this is as a good a time as any, to start standing up to her.

pocketsaviour · 05/10/2015 17:21

My mum was somewhat like this in that she would immediately catastrophise everything. "But what if you fall under the train? But what if someone steals your purse? But what if you get raped? But what if you get lost?" Just on and on until you felt like you had to give up on the idea.

I don't see her any more. It's great.

This book might help you.
If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth.

Elendon · 05/10/2015 17:34

I would say no to this trip and get her involved in another trip in the future - perhaps a few days away as a staycation or a week abroad in a cheap sunny destination.

Hope you and your son have a lovely time away. It sounds like you both need it. Bon Voyage!

Original poster

Patchworkturtle · 05/10/2015 17:56

Well I told her and it went down like a lead balloon as expected. She started talking about tickets and just said that actually I was rather looking forward to me and my son being alone for 5 days, to adjust to our new life after ex left and to make the most of the holiday I'd booked off work.

She argued I was saying she wasn't going to be part of our lives anymore and that obviously I'd have a better time without her but 'good luck coping with the stress of it all'.. I can't stand passive aggression, so I just shrugged, said I am sure I'll manage and that we can organise something for the New Year as a big family thing.

She asked me to leave. I feel dreadful for causing such a ruck but the weight off my shoulders already is great. Just watched a Christmas parade on YouTube with DS- seeing how excited he is is exactly why I booked this trip in the first place!

OP posts:

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