How do I say no?

[Patchworkturtle]

Following a nasty break up recently I booked a trip to Euro Disney for me and my little boy in November. We've never been away just the two of us and I was terribly excited at the prospect of having our first adventure just me and him.

The problem is my mum has sort of invited herself along. She said over and over its my decision and I've said I just want it to be me and my son. However in the last week she's advised me she's been put on anti depressants, she's arguing with dad all the time and needs a break, and would desperately like to come with us for the 5 days. She even said she would pay for the trip in full.

Now money isn't an issue for me, I wouldn't have booked the trip if I couldnt afford it, and I really want some time with my son. I'm alarmed that she's practically begging me to come, especially when the three of us went earlier in the year for a weekend and we were at each other's throats the entire time.

I love my mum dearly, and don't want to hurt her, but she's quite controlling, is always at my house, has just shoehorned my brother a job at the place she works, is very very involved in all aspects of my life despite any attempt to pull away on my part. I don't want her to ruin this holiday- I need something to look forward to as I've been really down since me and ex split up and the excitement of planning instantly disappears when I imagine it being anyone more than me and my son on the trip.

How do I let her down gently? I'm concerned she's low, so perhaps I'm being selfish? I'm so conflicted as to what to do.

How dare you step out of line and not do what she wanted!!!

She does have control issues that is for sure. You need to keep practising your firm boundaries.

Well done and enjoy your holidays

I feel dreadful for causing such a ruck.

You didn't, your mother did. Seriously, don't let her put all of this on you. This is a problem entirely of your mother's making, especially as you've offered to go away with her in different circumstances and you've refused.

Sorry, she's refused.

Well done you for standing up for yourself. I can't believe (except I guess I can) that she asked you to leave as a result. So much for it being your decision.

She will now try and guilt the crap out of you about it but the fact that you feel a weight has been lifted says it all. Time to set some boundaries.

You didn't cause the ruck. She did.

Well done for standing your ground.

She argued I was saying she wasn't going to be part of our lives anymore
I know and hate this kind of comment. It's not something a parent (anyone) should say.

When my mum says this kind of thing, I think it's because she really feels everyone hates her. Partly as she feels sorry for herself, partly as she knows her behaviour can be awful and often really would justify people not wanting her around. It's a vicious circle: because she knows she can be a pain in the bum, she gets all petulant and is a real pain... makes you want to press the "reset" button.

Keep up the good work and don't feel guilty: she's being unreasonable. Maybe this new attitude will turn out to be better for you both. Have a great time and enjoy your independence!

You didn't cause anything. She did.

The normal reaction to that is to wish the person a lovely holiday and say you are looking forward to hearing all about it. her insistence that she comes with is not normal And neither is her reaction to not being invited. it is all controlling and spiteful.

Good on you op. the only way you will stop being treated like a child is if you stand on your own two feet and don't allow her to continue this behaviour. this is a fantastic start. Well done!

Your mother's reactions are pretty much typical of a controlling parent; she really does not see you as a person in your own right. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies such people leave their now adult offspring with. Her behaviours are certainly not loving ones but ones that spring from a need to have complete power and control over you instead.

You wrote initially that you do not want to hurt her but she has never considered your feelings in any of this either; its all about her. It is not your fault she is like this.

Well done for saying no. You must continue to say no as well as raising your boundaries a lot higher when it comes to her. I would also keep her well away from your son as well. She was and still is not a good parent to you and is not either a good grandparent example to your son.

Do read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Your mother's reactions are pretty much typical of a controlling parent; she really does not see you as a person in your own right. Fear, obligation and guilt are but three of many damaging legacies such people leave their now adult offspring with. Her behaviours are certainly not loving ones but ones that spring from a need to have complete power and control over you instead.

You wrote initially that you do not want to hurt her but she has never considered your feelings in any of this either; its all about her. It is not your fault she is like this.

Well done for saying no. You must continue to say no as well as raising your boundaries a lot higher when it comes to her. I would also keep her well away from your son as well. She was and still is not a good parent to you and is not either a good grandparent example to your son.

Do read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

You've undoubtedly done the right thing. Now, start looking forward to the holiday and do not back-track!!