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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the workplace a dangerous place to look for a relationship?

32 replies

eternallflame · 04/10/2015 19:29

I would just like your input if you don't mind. I am male btw. Once I feel up to it I'd like to see if I can meet someone. Issue is where I work the other men are fairly sexist lots of macho banter etc. Not that I am perfect, far from it, but I'm not likely to want to make someone uncomfortable. So I don't think friendly advances would be welcome. But I don't know where to start. I just moved into a new house in a new place and everyone around is loved up, families etc. I feel a bit out of place. Advice welcome.

OP posts:

bridie69 · 04/10/2015 20:04

Well it doesn't sound like an ideal environment for romance tbh. And if you aren't yet up to it, isn't it better to wait anyway?

Reese123 · 04/10/2015 20:12

I have done it twice, both turned out to be a disaster where we stopped talking to each other. I can't even explain the awkwardness, and the fact you will have to see that person on a regular basis which makes it even harder to move on.

True you can meet someone great, but based on my experiences I suggest you don't go down this route

Original poster

eternallflame · 04/10/2015 20:57

Reese yes I have considered that. Some male friends have suggested that this is the reason for the popularity of the leaving drinks.

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 04/10/2015 21:01

Yes, it falls under the 'don't shit on your own doorstep' rule. Unless it's a big organisation, or one where people mock exam around quite a bit.

But as it sounds as if you are looking to, stablish a social life (with possibilities) rather than hunting a Relationship, there's nothing whatsoever wrong with joining in teams/clubs/meet ups that your colleagues do, making friends (and then hunting at one step removed from the office, IYSWIM).

Trills · 04/10/2015 21:02

Leaving drinks are popular because you can flirt with someone and not have to see them the next day if it doesn't work out?

Interesting theory.

Trills · 04/10/2015 21:02

one where people mock exam around quite a bit

Are you a teacher? :o

AuntieStella · 04/10/2015 21:07

No, but perhaps my keyboard is!

(No idea how that one happened: move around - between posts in the organisation that is, not musical beds/desks/stationery cupboards)

ShelaghTurner · 04/10/2015 21:10

Worked for us. Together 17 years and counting. Mind you, was a bloody nightmare with everyone poking their noses in.

Original poster

eternallflame · 04/10/2015 21:14

Well I am joining an outdoor fitness class. I'm not sure I'll survive the first session tbh. I know it sounds judgemental but I don't actually like many of my colleagues which isn't probably a good indicator of looking there for a relationship. My business partner met his fiancée at work but my sister said people who start a relationship at her work are interviewed by HR and told one of them has to leave. Mind you she is prone to exaggerating.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 04/10/2015 21:21

If you wanted to go out with a sexist macho guy then it sounds ideal... otherwise not so much.

Ime those kind of guys are really competitive with each other over office 'bints'. I would steer well clear.

wideboy26 · 04/10/2015 22:20

I've ended up 40 years married with 4 grown up sons. I wish I'd resisted the charms of that beautiful young girl in the typing pool...

expatinscotland · 04/10/2015 22:22

It's a bad idea.

noisytoys · 04/10/2015 22:25

I wouldn't - Only because when I was with my abusive XH work was a safe place. When we separated I put my head down and threw myself into work and excelled in my career. I can't imagine having to separate and work with a colleague so won't embark on the relationship to begin with.

cozietoesie · 04/10/2015 22:28

I believe it's a really bad idea, eternal - but in any case, baby steps, I think? Why not see how the therapy goes for a little. It sounds as if you want everything now.

MrsTedCrilly · 04/10/2015 22:28

DP of 8 years was in my team, it was great.. Loved the secrecy at first! Still going strong now.. It depends on the people.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 04/10/2015 22:31

Met my dp at work and eight years on we still work together (although I'm on maternity)and have two dc.we had a year where he worked elsewhere. Works for us, and a fair few of our colleagues too. At the moment there's 3 other couples.

donajimena · 04/10/2015 22:33

Oh I don't know its a tough one. I can count over 5 couples (so 10 people) who met at my former workplace and are still going strong and probably double that who dallied and are definitely not going anywhere.
I think it depends on the size of your employer. If its you, the boss and another.. hell no! If its in the hundreds..
my dear brother is a success story but they were on different projects and in different locations so they just 'met' at work rather than worked together cheek by jowl

crossparsley · 04/10/2015 22:38

I am very happily married to someone who was a colleague at the time (15 years ago). I also had a few shags with other colleagues before. it really depends on what you are thinking/wanting. If you are serious, why not?

Reallywantgherkins · 04/10/2015 23:48

In my work place there are many couples who are happy and have been for many years. However,
I have just come out of a relationship with a colleague he works in a different building to me but we still see each other often. I would never, ever date a work colleague again. It's just too awkward and just after the breakup hurt too much to see him. Coupled with the fact that there are days through sheer coincidence I know exactly where he is and what he's doing at all times, he's there on work nights out and now it's over his ex before me who works there and is still his friend regularly shoots me stinking looks, I would never do this again. I shouldn't have in the first place, it's just too messy and makes certain aspects of my job very difficult.

hollieberrie · 05/10/2015 00:10

I was engaged to someone I worked with. He cheated, with someone else we both worked with. It was awful. I had to leave and so did he - but not before we'd struggled through months of serving out our notice periods.

If it happens it happens, but it's not something I'd recommend. Obviously works out well for some people though so you never know know

StarkyTheDirewolf · 05/10/2015 00:55

I've seen it work and I've seen it fail spectacularly. Within the company I last worked for people in relationships weren't permitted to work together directly, if a relationship happened, one would be moved to a different premises. I met my DH at work, we're married, he's wonderful. I was seeing someone who I worked with before him, he was a dick. I didn't have a problem with working with him after we split up, but he did, and shot himself in the foot by spreading rumours and making up lies, and was eventually asked told to leave.

ToGoBoldly · 05/10/2015 01:11

I think it is possible to stumble upon love at work, but I don't think it wise or appropriate to use work as a hunting ground, sizing up any colleague of the right sex. It's sleazy and makes things uncomfortable.

LightNC · 05/10/2015 01:21

It depends on your work, and your workplace. So it has to be a judgment call.

Speaking generally, I had to laugh at the idea of it being dangerous. Unless you're in the armed services or similar. I know a couple just celebrating 60 years together who met at work. So they survived, at least..

Original poster

eternallflame · 05/10/2015 01:22

I wouldn't dream of sizing someone up in that way or using work as a hunting ground. There are enough people doing that right now. Cozietoesie I am not intending to rush into anything, I was thinking maybe in a year's time or something. I am too emotional at the moment. After reading all the above I think my colleagues are safe anyway. I am sad so many people had difficult experiences. Maybe I am just thinking ahead too much it is just someone said sthg hurtful to me about me being by myself recently and I was trying to give myself some self belief back

OP posts:

ToGoBoldly · 05/10/2015 09:05

If you're agonising over it this much you probably don't have the capacity to be one of the sleazy ones so it's all good.

I've known people to snog at work amd it's been am awkward disaster afterwards, and people who have given coy glances across the photocopier and ended up married. So there is a spectrum possibilities.

But it sounds like this isn't really what your issue is. Not rushing sounds like a good idea

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