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Original poster

Is there no hope for this relationship?

44 replies

cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 16:41

This is going to be a long story but I need people to talk to.
Some background. I have been with my DP for 2 years. He is 10 years younger than me (he is middle 20s). We have had a very loving relationship but we have had a lot of external problems along the way. My DM died of cancer only 3 months into our relationship. I had a lot to sort out with my DF and the house and so on.
We live in a valley in a foreign country. I own a flat in one village. He lives in bedsit in his parent's house in the next village. Due to this, he has been pretty much living full time in my flat with me.
Due to village rivalries there was hell on when we got together. I was bullied out of a music group I was in due to this - people blanking me, spreading malicious gossip and so on. I was devastated. I had just lost my mother and then they did that. Other village people spread lies around about me being an alcoholic and promiscuous (I am neither).
Meanwhile his family went ballistic with him. His parents were hideous to me at first but came round after a while. His brother has said 3 words to me in 2 years - completely blanks me. His sister is horrendous - I can't even begin to write down the things she has done and said.

He has been very supportive and we have helped each other through this. He has lots of problems with his work and also in his village. The main problem is he does too many activities outside of work and is permanently exhausted - he is a member of 5 different groups which meet regularly and is on the committee of 4 groups. On top of this there are all kinds of things he does on an irregular basis. It means he is out every night of the week and most weekends.
He regularly ends up crying in the evenings with the stress. I try to help him but the only thing that is going to help is if he gives up some of the activities.
About 6 months ago, he said he wanted us to take things a bit slower and he wanted more time in his village because he was feeling overwhelmed. We discussed this and agreed to it. He also wanted me to consider moving in to a flat in his parents' house (they have a massive house!) which his brother used to live in.
We spent more time in his village but his sister began to make life hell for us (she doesn't even live there) and his parents said I would have to get rid of my cats. (No way!) So after a while DP had had enough and said, let's forget this idea and then he ended up staying permanently at mine again. He had a lot of freedom but also made time for me - we agreed to keeping Thursdays free to have time together. I also began to recover from my mother's death and because my village had excluded me I started two new activities in nearby towns which I love.

Now just before our holiday we argued twice. Once was because he has begun coming along to one of my new activities (it is a musical group) as a substitute but he has been unreliable and leaving me to explain which is very embarrassing and I love the group and do not want them to think badly of us. The other time was because he has taken on yet another activity - organizing a youth group. This will meet on Thursdays which is when we were supposed to have time together. Another man is co-organizer and although DP said that day was no good and he could do days X, Y and Z, he said no can do. DP then agreed to a compromise with me that he would not go every week so we could have time together if the other man could not compromise on the day.
Result of this is other man has gone AWOL, DP has had to do it every week since our holiday.
We had 3 weeks amazing holiday - he was so loving and so relaxed. Talked about our future together.
2 weeks after arriving back, this Monday he announces he would rather give me up than any of his other activities so he wants a break until January and he wants to live in his own village in his bedsit. Says it's over.
He did this by phone. I said I would like to talk about this and have some questions and discuss what happened.
Monday afternoon he writes sms saying he loves me, he misses me. Monday evening he was at his parents'. Monday 11pm he phones and says it's over.
He has been coming and going all week but not long enough to discuss anything. Tuesday night he cried all night and said his heart was broken.
He went off on Friday morning to his parents' and has had a weekend of various activities in his village. He said he would come back this afternoon to talk to me. No sign and no sms.

It's hopeless isn't is? Any words of wisdom or support?
This is just a bizarre situation this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 16:50

PS: Regular poster. Name changed for this.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 04/10/2015 16:57

Unless you get away from his family this is never going to die down.

He was 23-ish when you got together? That is v young.

He may be very loving but if you stay with him you'll have a life of him over-committing elsewhere. A miserable life, basically.

There are 3 BIG problems here: his family (and also community) against you being together; his complete lack of boundaries; his age. Even one of those could easily topple a relationship.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 17:07

You're right. It's hopeless. Your life is going to be hell if you stay in this relationship. He sounds very immature and his family sound dreadful. The whole bloody community sounds awful!

I'd recommend moving away actually to a place where there are normal people who know how to relate to each other.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 17:11

It is awful. I am thankful that I have found two groups to join in nearby towns where the people are not like that at all.
However DP is coming to one of them as a substitute and is at every second rehearsal. He did not ask me if that was ok. He just did it. It is not ok - that is my time and my activity and I wouldn't dream of gate-crashing one of his groups and hanging around. He has been recently talking about joining the second of my groups and I told him I did not want him to. He did not take that well.

I am frightened of being on my own in a place where I have been excluded because of him and I don't know how to start over. I just don't think I have the strength to.

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 17:13

Yes, hopeless. And fully of completely unnecessary drama - crikey, where on earth do you live that rival villagers behave like that is this day and age? Confused

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 17:16

What kind of job do you have? Do you have enough money to start again somewhere else?

I've never heard of places like this - which country are you in? Couldn't you come back to the UK?

pocketsaviour · 04/10/2015 17:23

The whole thing sounds like you've fallen through a time warp and landed in feudal Europe Confused Honestly I'd be looking for a way to move to a city or at least an area that's more "normal" if you know what I mean.

As far as the relationship goes, unfortunately I think that's gone the course and is now at an end. He is very young and seems quite immature from what you've said.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 17:24

It is a European country but some of the valleys are a bit er... backward... stuck in the past.
The men from my village were so infuriated with DP sleeping over at mine that they jacked his car up on bricks, stole the wheels and dispersed them to 4 different places for him to find.....

I am self-employed. I could start again - financially I could manage it.
But I don't know if I can do it mentally.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 04/10/2015 17:30

These men who object to your significant other staying overnight with you, when they realise you aren't together, who are they planning should take his place?

I didn't live in a backward village and the instant the ex had gone, men started turning up out of nowhere, claiming they knew me (his friends, the husbands of women I knew etc) and leering with intent.

Watch yourself. I don't like the attitude your neighbours have shown.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 17:30

I don't know if you can stay there mentally. Shock

good grief. You could write a film script about this sort of nonsense.

It's got to be a Balkan state, hasn't it?

LovelyPostItNotes · 04/10/2015 17:33

wow, bullying not just from your DP and his family but the whole village??

I would not want to live like this OP Sad

Get out while you can and RUN.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 17:33

Mrstwee - I don't like it either. The reason they turned against me when we first got together was because they said I should have chosen from one of the single men in this village and not gone off with one from another village.

Leavemywings - you couldn't write a film script because no one would believe it!

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 04/10/2015 17:36

He sounds immature and not very committed to you. You sound like you need to simplify your life and consider where you want to stay where you are currently living in the long term. Without this very part time relationship to distract you you might be able to plan your future more actively.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 17:37

Are you sure it's Europe? It's sounding like the back of beyond in Papua New Guinea or deepest tribal Africa!

I can just imagine all the elders having to have meetings about how to deal with you and your waywardness. Shock

lavenderhoney · 04/10/2015 17:38

I think that's it's over, from your description of his behaviour. Which you would probably have done anyway, given your concern about him attending activities you enjoy and you aren't keen on him being there. Lucky escape, really.

Why do you want to stay there? How long have you lived there and I have to say if I was you I would sell the flat you own and go and live somewhere more cosmopolitan, busy with loads of things to do, and with people who don't care what village you're from or who you date. I don't know how you get any work done! It sounds awful, for you, so stressful.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 17:38

It's definitely Europe! And not one of the balkan states!

OP posts:
LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 17:39

But it is 2015 though? You aren't a Time Traveller? Grin

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 17:42

Nope it is 2015. When I go to my two groups in the towns I breathe a massive sigh of relief that the world is normal out there.

I know in my heart this is hopeless but I have never loved someone like I love him. We have had the most amazing times in among this mess. We have had the most brilliant experiences and done fabulous things. I just can't imagine saying goodbye to all of that.

OP posts:
mrstweefromtweesville · 04/10/2015 17:43

Get the hell out, cherub. There's a risk that its only going to be so long before someone decides to show you what you were missing.
I recall being young (it was a while ago) and being quite friendly with a man I worked with (just friendly, nothing more) and being challenged on it by another man who, perfectly seriously, said he had seen me first so I should be his friend! This was in Rochdale, not Sicily or the Balkans. Men can be a bit weird. They live under the - false - impression that if you go with one of them, you will (and should) go with them all.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 04/10/2015 17:47

haha I was going to suggest Sicily next!

Limer · 04/10/2015 17:52

Wales? The valleys gave it away.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 18:01

Still no message from him. I am not not not not going to pick up the phone and see when he is going to turn up. He was supposed to be coming this afternoon to talk things through. I am now considering whether I should get as much of his stuff into my car as I can and dump it at his place.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/10/2015 18:11

this Monday he announces he would rather give me up than any of his other activities so he wants a break until January and he wants to live in his own village in his bedsit. Says it's over.

Monday 11pm he phones and says it's over.

He said he would come back this afternoon to talk to me. No sign and no sms.

Read this again and again, then pack up your car with all his stuff and drive it there. Then seriously, SERIOUSLY consider whether this sort of environment is healthy for you. It sounds appalling. Just the thought of the whole village knowing who you're sleeping with and having an opinion on it is horrifying.

Original poster
cunojarvi · 04/10/2015 18:13

Ok. Thank you. I am going to have to be really strong now but I have been through worse.

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 04/10/2015 18:26

her username suggests the swedish valleys. sorry you're going through this OP, it sounds like hell