DH controlling time with his and my family - what to do?

[ninniepie]

I posted recently about my DH being controlling about me seeing my and his family. I had some good advice but people suggested a write a post in relationships.

I am looking for some advice on going forward with my husband. We seemed to have reached an impasse since the birth of our daughter regarding our respective families and I don't know how we can sort it out.

I will try to explain the situation as best as I can without writing an essay.

Before DD was born we hardly saw PILs. I saw a lot of my family, especially my mum and my sister. My mum died shortly before DD was born and my sister moved to America. My dad lives 700 miles away (hard to get to) and my PILs 500 (direct flight).

As soon as DD was born I felt that my DH started to put his parents feeling before mine. It's quite hard to explain but I feel that DH concedes to all of my PILs' wishes because they are SO keen on being grandparents. My family, is much less hands on. So it's like they don't count anymore.

Whenever we spend time with either family, we have huge arguments. When we see PILs, I am reprimanded for not giving up DD into MIL's care at 100%. I admit that I find it hard handing over DD completely to my MIL. Firstly, because I feel isolated so I don't want to hand DD over. Secondly, seeing DD with MIL makes me jealous that my mum won't ever see DD. Finally, I am filled with an irrational fear that because my DD is SO adored by my MIL and that my MIL is so hands on; DD will end up preferring PILs to my family/me. However, I have really tried to put these thoughts out of my mind and I have definitely made big efforts to include MIL. PILs are good grandparents. But they never seem to think about how I might feel.

When we see my family, DH implies they are not worthy of our visits because my dad and sister don't spend all of their waking moments fussing over DD. DH is very critical of both my dad and my sister and has said horrible things about them. When we visit my family DH causes uncomfortable situations by being rude to me. And now he is point blank refusing to go to my dad's at Xmas as it's too far to get to. And he definitely won't visit my sister in the US. I will admit that my dad and sister have strong personalities and can be difficult sometimes. But the person who caused the problems when we are with them is mainly DH.

Of course, I still want to see my sister and dad and I want DD to spend time with them so I have planned trips to see them before Xmas. DH has agreed but complains he won't see DD when we are gone so now I feel guilty; I am depriving my DH of his DD. But he won't come with us so what should I do? Not go at all?

As spending too much time with PIL is difficult for me; I tried to suggest that DH take DD to see his parents for a weekend; I would miss of her course but I would accept it and have a weekend off. He said that is unacceptable as we would appear 'divorced' to his parents. So finally, his parents will come to ours and I have to do all the cooking and organising and let MIL look after DD 100%. I also suggested he take DD a day earlier to his parents at Xmas so I could take a day less holiday and he hit the roof. He said if I did this then he would stop my trip to my sister.

As time goes on it seems to be harder for me to see my family all whilst having to see more and more of his. I feel unequal and isolated. But I wonder if I've caused everything myself - if I just let MIL take over then maybe I'd have less issues? I feel constantly torn about the right approach to take to make things easier for me and stop the fighting with my DH.

Honestly? I'm not one to start screaming LTB in these threads, but this to me is not a marriage. Your H is controlling and awful.

I agree. The whole situation sounds exhausting and he sounds scary.

Stop pandering to him. Go on your visits without feeling guilty. If he missed his DD so much he would come with you. He's basically got you tangled in guilt- as a result he gets everything he wants and you're miserable.

TBH the easiest solution would be to LTB.

Of course, I still want to see my sister and dad and I want DD to spend time with them so I have planned trips to see them before Xmas. DH has agreed but complains he won't see DD when we are gone so now I feel guilty; I am depriving my DH of his DD. But he won't come with us so what should I do? Not go at all?

Just go and have a good time. Yes of course he will miss DD just like millions of other parents who have to go away for family, work, leisure reasons, missing your children is entirely normal and enjoying some peace, quiet and downtime while they are away is normal too. It is total nonsense to 'appear divorced' for one weekend away without you, and you are already going to your own family on your own. You've both made the choice you will go, so stick to that. You can facetime or skype every day so he sees DD.

Tell him you'd appreciate one weekend off and most reasonable people including ILs would see that. After all, he is getting some time off while you go to your family. What's good for the goose and all.

If his controlling behaviour goes beyond the examples above, then you have a bigger issue than sorting out these trips away.

Here's a link to your previous thread - it's in 30 days only so will go poof towards the end of this month.

FGS do not let his mother take over!. She did an awful job with her son and she will do similar damage to your child. You need to protect her from all of them.

You have a DH problem as much as his parents are a problem. The rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree. His whole family of origin are dysfunctional and it is of no surprise to me at all that he is abusive. His whole family of origin are the same.

Joint counselling with him is not recommended at all here given his controlling nature. NO decent counsellor anyway would see the two of you in the same room given his controlling nature.

I would seriously consider your whole future within this going forward because your DD will undoubtedly be affected by his and his family of origin's behaviour. Infact I would now seek legal advice with a subsequent view to commencing divorce proceedings.

I read your other post and I'm afraid I still think LTB he is bullying you. You have a young baby, you've lost your Mum recently where is his love and support for you as his currently vulnerable partner and mother of his child.

You offered some very suitable suggestions and he's peed on all of them in a nasty manner.

To put it in perspective my brother has always lived in England (Army) and my parents in NI. They saw his DCs maybe twice, three times, a year at most and they have a wonderful relationship. I was the same with my iwn Gran.
You dont need to travel for weekends every 6 weeks (read that in your other thread) for theGPs to have a relationship with their DGC.
Its how they act when they do see them that matters.
Your H is a dick btw.

I've just seen on yourother thread that you are in a different ountry to yourILs but see them every six weeks.

Bloody fucking hell!

What's the point of being in a different country if visits are that frequent!

He can see his own parents that often, but can't expect you & baby to keep trecking there!

" So finally, his parents will come to ours and I have to do all the cooking and organising and let MIL look after DD 100%."

He can look after his own bloody parents!

Sadly he sounds as awful as them.

He can look after his own bloody parents!

Except he responds to their presence by completely checking out, diddl - reverting to teenager behaviour and sleeping all day, emerging for meals. The dynamic is seriously fucked up. OP is to learn her place at the very bottom of the pecking order.

"Except he responds to their presence by completely checking out, diddl - reverting to teenager behaviour and sleeping all day, emerging for meals."

Missed that, sorry.

So if he isn't bothered about seeing his parents, what's all the fuss about?

Just about appearances as faras them seeing their GC is concerned?

He wants to be seen by them, he doesn't actually want to see them - it's all about appearances I think. They only want to see the baby so OP is completely superfluous but is not allowed not to be present - not even for 24 hours at Xmas.

Is this how you want your DD to grow up, OP? Thinking that it's completely normal for a wife/mother to be bullied by the man she married/had children with? Accepting that her PIL are the ones who will raise her children? That her own spouse doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for her... and doesn't care who knows/sees it?

Because unless you do something to change the situation you're in... that's what will, in all probability, happen.

Your instincts are there for a reason. Trust them. Don't check out and allow your MIL to replace you. Don't allow your husband to treat you as a handy housekeeper who happens to have had his child. Show your DD how to be a strong, confident, independant young woman in her own right.

In short? Run. Red flags are waving left, right, centre concerning your husbands treatment of you - and, actually, of your DD, too. Your PIL actually don't have any more right to spend time with your DD than your own father and sister do. But, as I suspect your family did a better job of raising you (you sound lovely, just very controlled) than your PILs did of dragging your DH up, I'm afraid.

Please don't allow them to damage your DD, too.

Thanks everyone for replies. I decided not to link the last thread because I wanted to try to be completely factual about what the situation is like. But perhaps reading the other thread helps put things into perspective so thanks to the poster who linked it.

We do see inlaws around every 2 months to 6 weeks. When we go to them; DH works or sleeps. When they come here, DH works or sleeps. He does have a very stressful job. And he will do some things with them; like taking them out somewhere, but I feel like he mainly keeps his distance. They don't seem to mind this, they only want to see DD anyway. To be fair to PILs, they would happily help with meals and stuff when they come here. They are extremely helpful. But I feel embarrassed letting them do this! DH would say 'no one asked you to take care of the food, we can just get a pizza'. But I feel bad. If they visit; I think we should take care of food etc. But I'd appreciate DH's help.

I don't want to leave DH. I think we could be happy. But we have lost sight of what is important. When it's just the three of us; we have a good time together. I feel like because I kept my distance from MIL during my pregnancy (she wanted to know everythingand all I could think about was that my mum wasn't around) that when DD was born DH wanted to compensate for my behaviour by letting her in completely. Not sure if this is clear?

I have tried talking to DH about his parents but he says that all they want to do is enjoy their granddaughter when they see her (as they hardly ever see her...) and I should accept it. It's just not that simple.

Is your DH from a different, more "traditional" cultural background?

He's from France. Not worlds apart in terms of cultural differences but enough.

"I don't want to leave DH. I think we could be happy"

But you will not be happy because he is as much of a problem as his parents are. He prioritises the needs of his overbearing parents over you and leaves you to deal with them. He also reverts to boy mode in their presence and they allow him to do that. In their presence you are ignored and they overtly dote on their grandchild. They are NOT good grandparent figures to her because they also see you as her mother as an afterthought. Theirs is a really emotionally unhealthy family; do you really want to keep on exposing your DD to all that dysfunction?. She will not thank you for doing that to her.

You cannot change your DH but you can change how you react to him.

It matters not a jot that he is from France; no one country has the monopoly on dysfunctional families of origin.

If your visit to your sister is in November, then you will have done it before he can veto it! Same with your dad.
I bet he just doesnt want to take responsibility of taking DD down there on his own, possibly having to look after her. Does he EVER look after her on his own? Do you get to do some sleeping or going out on your own?

Yes dh does look after dd on his own. I go out quite regularly with friends and to play sport once a week and he encourages that. I do do the main childcare but that is as I work pt and also I want to. It's important to me.

I know dh can't veto my trip and he wouldn't anyway. He was just so angry that I suggested going to pils one day later that he used my trip to try to control me. And I wouldn't dream of not going. Just like his parents wouldn't dream of not visiting us. I just wish it could be done without the angst.

I appreciate all the good advice. And of course it's easy to say ltb when I've just given an insight into our relationship regarding our families. Maybe it will come to that but I don't want it to. I want to be able to sort out this issue and to communicate with my husband and feel my feelings are respected. I just don't know how to do it.

You don't have to follow his orders.

What would happen if you just didn't hand over your child like some kind of grandmother comfort toy?

im really sorry but this is not marriage. I have experienced similar abs in your head, you try to make it ok. May I ask your background? This is the 'norm' unbelievably in some cultures. Total disrespect and control.

You have NOT brought this on yourself. If you had have given, there would be something else I'm afraid (speaking from experience).

I don't give in to his orders or hand over dd to his mum either. I want to make him understand that his expectations aren't normal.
Anyway, I'm going to my sisters and my dads and still aim on going to pils one day later. We will see how it goes.

It's hard to know how to make someone respect your feelings when they see no reason to do so, and there's essentially no disadvantage to them when they don't. Hope things work out for you, ninniepie.

You don't have to be controlled by your dh, tell him to get lost.
Do you think he will change and start to respect your feelings all of a sudden?

I think both of you need to go to counselling and talk this through with someone.

"I want to make him understand that his expectations aren't normal".

I do not think that will be achieved primarily because he does not think he is doing anything wrong by you or his child in the first place. This is all deeply ingrained within his own psyche; his whole family of origin are dysfunctional and he is very much a product of his own upbringing. I can see why you want to sort it out (that is in your nature as well because you are a nice person and want to see the good in all people) but he will likely remain unmoved by any of your well reasoned arguments.