DH controlling time with his and my family - what to do?

[ninniepie]

I posted recently about my DH being controlling about me seeing my and his family. I had some good advice but people suggested a write a post in relationships.

I am looking for some advice on going forward with my husband. We seemed to have reached an impasse since the birth of our daughter regarding our respective families and I don't know how we can sort it out.

I will try to explain the situation as best as I can without writing an essay.

Before DD was born we hardly saw PILs. I saw a lot of my family, especially my mum and my sister. My mum died shortly before DD was born and my sister moved to America. My dad lives 700 miles away (hard to get to) and my PILs 500 (direct flight).

As soon as DD was born I felt that my DH started to put his parents feeling before mine. It's quite hard to explain but I feel that DH concedes to all of my PILs' wishes because they are SO keen on being grandparents. My family, is much less hands on. So it's like they don't count anymore.

Whenever we spend time with either family, we have huge arguments. When we see PILs, I am reprimanded for not giving up DD into MIL's care at 100%. I admit that I find it hard handing over DD completely to my MIL. Firstly, because I feel isolated so I don't want to hand DD over. Secondly, seeing DD with MIL makes me jealous that my mum won't ever see DD. Finally, I am filled with an irrational fear that because my DD is SO adored by my MIL and that my MIL is so hands on; DD will end up preferring PILs to my family/me. However, I have really tried to put these thoughts out of my mind and I have definitely made big efforts to include MIL. PILs are good grandparents. But they never seem to think about how I might feel.

When we see my family, DH implies they are not worthy of our visits because my dad and sister don't spend all of their waking moments fussing over DD. DH is very critical of both my dad and my sister and has said horrible things about them. When we visit my family DH causes uncomfortable situations by being rude to me. And now he is point blank refusing to go to my dad's at Xmas as it's too far to get to. And he definitely won't visit my sister in the US. I will admit that my dad and sister have strong personalities and can be difficult sometimes. But the person who caused the problems when we are with them is mainly DH.

Of course, I still want to see my sister and dad and I want DD to spend time with them so I have planned trips to see them before Xmas. DH has agreed but complains he won't see DD when we are gone so now I feel guilty; I am depriving my DH of his DD. But he won't come with us so what should I do? Not go at all?

As spending too much time with PIL is difficult for me; I tried to suggest that DH take DD to see his parents for a weekend; I would miss of her course but I would accept it and have a weekend off. He said that is unacceptable as we would appear 'divorced' to his parents. So finally, his parents will come to ours and I have to do all the cooking and organising and let MIL look after DD 100%. I also suggested he take DD a day earlier to his parents at Xmas so I could take a day less holiday and he hit the roof. He said if I did this then he would stop my trip to my sister.

As time goes on it seems to be harder for me to see my family all whilst having to see more and more of his. I feel unequal and isolated. But I wonder if I've caused everything myself - if I just let MIL take over then maybe I'd have less issues? I feel constantly torn about the right approach to take to make things easier for me and stop the fighting with my DH.

Thanks trib.

I think the issue is .. your not happy .,, your hubby needs to understand this. You are telling him .`im not happy to let Mil Take over, im not happy that you wont help.when they are here .. keep going. Im not happy you wont come to dads. So its not so much about his parents but how you feel. Keep his parents out of it, and relate how you feel to him.

He refuses to visit your family but insists on you visiting or hosting his family. Huge double standards.

Why don't you stand up to him? How would he react if you refused?

Sally I think that's good advice. I mainly shut down when he starts ranting about things - as I won't back down but it's easier than arguing back. But him ranting isn't healthy and I also don't want to put up with it.

Pils are coming for a few weeks. I am going to go out Friday night and come back Saturday. Will not prepare food or anything - he can sort it. And I won't feel embarrassed if they end up eating a kebab. That's his problem.

Are coming in a few weeks. Not for a few weeks.

And you're possibly right Attila. I do feel like I can come up with the most reasonable solution or ideas but he won't agree.

The food things is for you to feel like you`re a good hostess .. as unfortunately the state of the house things being ready (bed/shopping) reflects on you, not him, if say amy comments are made, a swift .. oh DH said hed sort the beds,. Oh sorry theres no coffee DH said hed shop ... DH said you didnt mind dust? blah blah

I went through the same ninnipie. Mine wouldn't really visit mine but I was expected to visit his.

You should not have to try so hard to make him understand. In fact, he should not even be behaving this way. He feels that his family is more important than yours.

If your PILs will happily help with meals and so on, then why on earth aren't you letting them? They are family, not guests, and especially when you see them so frequently you shouldn't feel that you need to wait on them hand and foot.

That to one side, your H sounds like a nasty bully. Ignore him as much as you can and live your own life, if you really are set on staying in the marriage.

My husband's French, he's not a controlling twat though.

Cultural differences my arse. His family are dysfunctional slash abusive.

You need to get away from them all.

Twinkle l'm not using his nationality as an excuse - definitely not. I wish I hadn't revealed that about him; it's not important. Being from a different culture does however make things sometimes difficult.
Anyway thanks everyone for the advice. I am going to have a good think about going forward.

"Being from a different culture does however make things sometimes difficult."
Not for me and my French DH.

Culture plays a big part of who you are, how you act, what you believe, what your priorities are, even your sense of humor, it can vary in the same country between cities. It is relevant.

Each family has its own micro-culture, IMHO.

But I really do worry that

1. Your dh shouts you down. No matter how much you think you stand up for yourself, there must be lots of times that you give in for the easy life, it's only natural

2. He wants to cut you off from your family.

IME, men who are in their parents' pockets just create heartache and pain within their own marriages. And that's a sad way for you to live, ninniepie.

That's good for you Emma. However I have lived surrounded by people from another culture from mine for a significant amount of time and there are definitely important cultural differences regarding family dynamics which have an impact on my relationship.

The crux of the matter isn't who is from where anyway. The matter is that I feel that dh regards his parents to be more important figures in our lives as they are more hands on and keen grandparents. And I find this unfair, overwhelming and disrespectful to my feelings as spending time with my family is and always has been very important to me. Thanks for all the advice about this issue.

I'm not sure what to do going forward. But I have my flights booked for my trips so i am focussing on them.

TBH it sounds as if your PILs mean very well but that you have quite different (but not wrong) boundaries. I think that you should have a chat with your MIL about the fact that you don't want to hand over your DD to her when MIL is around. French grandmothers are used to being very hands on and taking DC for weeks at a time and English mothers find this very invasive.

minniepie, you don't have to be bullied by opinions here either ! You seem to know your own mind.

"French grandmothers are used to being very hands on and taking DC for weeks at a time and English mothers find this very invasive."
Another generalisation, not true IME of the French families I know.

I think it all depends on family dynamics, as you say OP, much more than cultural differences. But maybe he/they use culture to justify their behaviour? "That's just how we do things."

Anyway I wish you luck. I think you need to focus on your husband not your MIL. In a healthy relationship the two of you would be a team, you would reach an agreement and he would set the boundaries with his parents. There is no point you trying to set the boundaries with MIL if he disagrees and will let her do what she wants anyway.